Letting the F#%$ Go

Peoniesandpopsicles · 2024-01-02T14:16:11+00:00

Get to the mind set that you are more than, and do not need, the approval of women. It is an unhealthy state of mind, overcome it and you will overcome the pain, permanently.

deadBeefCafe2014 · 2024-01-02T13:35:01+00:00

What few people say about the grief process is that the stages are neither linear nor final except when you get to the very end.

I’ve healed to the point where I am functional quite well, but I had kids with my ex. The closest I expect to get to healed will be when my youngest is emancipated and the final child support payment has gone out.

potatotornado44 · 2024-01-02T00:20:58+00:00

This is not just a reply to the OP, but to everyone.

You’re not going to hear from her.

You’re not her man anymore, you don’t mean a single thing to her.

It’s hard for us to fathom, but it’s true.

You are supposed to forever hold her in high regard as “the mother of your children“ but in turn, she has absolutely no regard for you, and she won’t.

She’ll be backed up by her relatives and friends.

She is busy relegating you to a place of irrelevancy. She’s also getting dicked down by 2 to 3 dudes minimum.

These are just facts, I’m sorry.

Live your life for you, not for what anyone else tells you to do. This is including the simps on this sub, who think that you should just throw away your whole life because you might have a kid or two with her.

It’s all bullshit.

Do what makes you happy. Think she gives a fuck about your kid when she’s out screwing half the neighborhood? No, she doesn’t.

Why should you be any better than she is?

Cheb44 · 2024-01-01T22:50:29+00:00

Man I feel you, I have been a wreck for weeks now. If I am learning anything from this, I am never ever going to date a woman that is newly out of divorce or just separated. I probably wouldn’t anyway but, just the thought that some poor guy is on the other end of that and me knowing that it probably has crazy smeared all over it, is a big fuck no.

Grand_Alps9214 · 2024-01-01T22:25:17+00:00

Ah sorry bro. It hurts. It takes time. You are on the right path.

For some reason this time I’m not doing it - but previously when a long term ended I did. Hoped. Check social media. And in turn tortured myself.

I promised myself - if it ain’t good for me I won’t do it. I won’t torture myself. If I see a pic of us, I try to smile and cherish the good Memory and then focus on getting ahead. Which I struggle with as well.

My point is - the more memories are there and around - the tougher it is. But it’s normal to feel pain - and heart ache - and heart break due to memories and situational times.

I feel you bro. Hang in there. Take it one day at a time. One day you will get over it (even though you won’t believe it for now).

And lastly. What a few have told me “this is your new life. You are starting your new life. It’s you. “

I know it’s scary - for me as well - but… I take it one step at a time. For me, I’m hoping to put all the admin paper stuff behind so that we can skip small talk.

Oh. And one thing. I had hope at the beginning. Every day or second day I asked her. Are you sure. Has anything changed. Etc.

So.. .stay strong brother!

JD-Anderson · 2024-01-01T21:54:06+00:00

There is no better feeling than when I got to the point where I could just let go.

Wild_Debt_8065 · 2024-01-01T20:57:08+00:00

The things that you miss just don’t exist anymore. That’s ok. As painful as the holidays are, you made it. Next year will be better. Be kind to yourself, give yourself grace. The whole thing is hard. I know you’ll find your way.

fives_gw · 2024-01-01T20:14:29+00:00

One thing I've been focusing on for myself recently (when I feel the gravitational pull of negative feelings coming back up, for whatever reason or no reason -- it's a normal part of the grieving process) is basically just reminding myself to dial back on the emotional evaluation/assessment of my current situation. I.e., when I think about how I feel about where I am now, what I lost, how badly I feel like I (and my kids) got utterly fucked over in many ways by my ex's utterly selfish decisions, how much money she extracted from me on a life scale, and how absurdly unjust it all was (and that that injustice was enabled by society and our legal system!), I know exactly how that's going to make me feel in advance. Zero mystery there. It's going to make me feel like shit, and hamper my healing and success in life in general, for no actual benefit. So instead of dwelling on that, I try to actively remind myself not to focus on that framing, and instead to try to affirmatively ("radically") accept the reality of my world as it is (without denying how I think it's shitty and unfair etc if I open that door), and then do all the day-to-day, nuts-and-bolts things everyone recommends on this sub. Focus on myself, make a plan, execute it, gym, be a good father, develop friendships/hobbies etc etc. And then trust that doing that day in and day out will eventually put me in a better emotional place, with nothing more than staying the course and letting time do its thing.

It's a bit of a question, for me at least, to figure out the right balance between adequately "feeling my feelings" of grief, loss, anger, loneliness etc (which is absolutely the standard advice of any good therapist, and necessary to work through those feelings in a healthy and productive way), but at the same time not allowing myself to dwell in that headspace or let it consume me emotionally or unduly dictate my actions or thinking (which just sets me back). My approach to that balance, recently, has been to sort of engage on a limited basis with those negative emotions. Recognize when they come up, acknowledge them, almost like a pseudo third-party observer of my own emotions. "What am I feeling? Why is that coming up now?" Etc. Then give myself some affirmation/reassurance/grace etc about how I'm feeling. Literally like a good friend would, but addressed from myself to myself. And then work to, as best I can, close that door and put those thoughts and feelings back on the shelf once I feel like I've fully aired them out for the moment. And then bring my focus explicitly back to the business of kicking ass on all the day-to-day stuff that everyone here recommends.

Can't say it's easy or even that I'm perfect yet at actually doing everything I just wrote above. But I think it gets easier with practice and repetition and intentional focus on how you choose to respond when you feel the grief come up. And I've found (and others further along seem to agree) that the emotional downswings naturally decrease over time in both how often and how intensely they come up. Just focus on doing the nuts-and-bolts living as best you can and and just sort of "ride the wave" as time carries you to a better future emotional state. Stay strong, OP, you got this!

Everyonelookatme1 · 2024-01-01T20:00:58+00:00

Throw in 2 little boys and a vicious custody battle and you’ll see how low your mind will go during the holidays

Particular_Car7127 · 2024-01-01T19:18:16+00:00

Learn to accept the new reality, grieve over the break up, it will be hard, but the light is there.

Reflog1791 · 2024-01-01T19:13:32+00:00

Dust yourself off and try again brother. Have some compassion for yourself, let it go, and move forward.

cactuscharlie · 2024-01-01T19:10:51+00:00

I was hoping to wake up refreshed and ready for the new year.

I can't explain why, but the first of January is even more depressing than Christmas. I don't know how to let the shit go. Hoping that time really does heal wounds.

Miserable_Ad_1172 · 2024-01-01T18:52:05+00:00

I can understand why you stumbled. It’s ok I’m Sure it’s happened to most on here. Right now just take a moment, ask yourself where this thinking gets you…pain I’m guessing. I know it’s hard but if you treat her like a fire that burnt you, this teaches you not to put your hand back in the fire. Try not to be mad at yourself for feeling these things. It’s normal. Stumble,fall,fail a little. It’s all part of the healing process and it Will make you stronger than you have ever been. Know that it’s over, don’t worry about what they do now, get back to your grind and keep moving forward. You got this man 💪🏼 chin up,shoulders back and get moving 😊 happy 2024.

berniefl44 · 2024-01-01T18:43:43+00:00

I think the worst part is NOT knowing what they are doing ? Do they have a new guy in their lives or are they still alone? What are they doing everyday ? Are they shopping or sitting at home ? Are they going out for dinner with someone or by themselves? The NOT knowing part is the worse…

Title	Letting the F#%$ Go
Author	Shogun_Warrior_PM
Upvotes	56
Comments	58
Date	January 1, 2024 5:13 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/18w18aw/letting_the_f_go/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/letting-the-f-go.1242034 https://theredarchive.com/post/1242034

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