Really looking for some advice…

crypto_keeper88 · 2022-07-27T20:32:16+00:00

Time to move on, she isn't in love with you and you can't force someone to love you. The marriage is over.

RideATX · 2022-07-27T20:34:18+00:00

As soon as someone else wants you, she comes crawling back. Bro, you need to start steering your own ship. If you want to be with her for the sake of the kids, then that is your choice. But right now she doesn't respect you or look up to you. You need to lead and not worry about her. Live your life like she doesn't exist and be outcome independent, you do what you need to do, be super dad, and don't worry about what she thinks. If she decides to follow you then that's great, if not cut the cord and continue driving your ship without her.

Character_Hippo90 · 2022-07-27T21:41:11+00:00

You’ve danced around for almost a year begging for another chance, and now she says she wants to try again. Try what? Try deciding IF she can fall in love or try to indulge in other sexual pursuits! Give her a strong taste of decision making and hit her with divorce papers. Just her abandonment of the home is enough to show that she is unfit. And, smile nicely with your co-worker.

Front-Lion-5098 · 2022-07-27T21:04:08+00:00

So, she gets a whiff that other women maybe on your tail and now she has an epiphany??? Sadly she had you as good as dead and was out doing her own thing - basically, like you never existed. Now she wants you back?? No, sorry, you will take her back and it won't be long and she will be back to her ways.

As for the kids, man, she was bolting during the weekends - your kids will be fine - it is you I a worried about - the see-saw she is doing with your head. You need to tell her, that it is not worth the heartache. She wants a separate new life, og, she can have it.

Sorry to be harsh but she lied and told people you cheated on her?!?!? She is pretty low man

Ridethelightning1987 · 2022-07-27T22:18:47+00:00

Bro she’s losing her life net and scrambling to keep you on the hook. Serve her papers. She doesn’t love you

JD-Anderson · 2022-07-27T22:59:24+00:00

Go through some of this subs older posts. Once they say they want a separation or hook up with another guy, I haven’t known a situation where that marriage is salvageable.

ElSushiMonsta · 2022-07-27T20:59:19+00:00

Time to move on brotha she clearly has and since no one wants her ass she waited till the last minute so she wouldn't lose her meal ticket. Divorce her.

Funny_Wolverine_9 · 2022-07-27T21:19:58+00:00

She created the fight to give a justification for the separation.

She was already seeing the person BEFORE and cheating on you before you two went on vacation. Women plan divorces 1-2 years ahead of men.

If you reconcile with her, it will be a matter of time before she leaves you again.

dday_throwaway3 · 2022-07-27T21:44:17+00:00

> I’m terrified to break my kids hearts with a divorce.

Kids are more resilient than you think. My kids were the same age as yours when I divorced, and they are doing just fine.

Also, divorce is inevitable. Your wife has made that clear. There is no reconciliation here even if she did a complete 180.

Gattsama · 2022-07-27T21:08:36+00:00

So sorry you are going through this man. As others have said thr marriage is over. You can not negotiate genuine attraction. She checked out a long time ago, and is only hanging around because you are her back up and insurance policy. IF something worked out better with the other guys, she would be gone. Do not do the pick me dance.

The kids will be OK, and staying in a toxic relationship for the kids doesn't work. My parents divorced and I was fine, I have seen other kids take it really hard. My parents never said a bad word about each other to us, and my Dad never lived more than 20-30 mins away.

Let me be 100% honest as a kid I thought everything was cool. As an adult I can appreciate it must have been really hard on him not seeing us every day. Look into some of the more modern residency agreements: 7/7 or 5225.

I'm sending you a DM with an over view of the divorce process. It really varies from state to state, how long you were married, etc.

Good luck and be safe.

CrazySanta7 · 2022-07-27T21:32:54+00:00

Proceed with divorce. Fight or not, she likely thought about separation long before that. She wanted that single life. Give her what she initially wanted, not some timeline to change her mind. You can't let kids be your sole reason to stay together. She'll pull this stunt again.

SnooChipmunks8506 · 2022-07-27T22:24:50+00:00

You have already lost her. Now you are dragging your poor children through this nightmare of a marriage.

End it and DO NOT DATE anyone until you have had 24 months of therapy and addressed your codependent tendencies.

Brother she is fucking everyone, you are paying the price.

Stand up and be the dad you know your children need and get to a healthy place.

flowingwisdom13 · 2022-07-28T01:48:15+00:00

It’s likely she gave the same 14 days ultimatum to her new boyfriend and he most likely passed on her, then she came back to you.

OP, just go through this exercise. Detach yourself from your situation just for a few minutes and look at what this person that is supposed to love you has done to you? Has anyone in your life ever disrespected you the way she did? Especially after they had known you for years and knew the things you stood for and cherished ? has anyone ever come close to treating you this way ever ? If they had, what actions did you take towards them? Why not do the same now if that is the case? This should guide you.

You have been having your kids almost to yourself. It would make no little difference to them if you had them full time. But it would make a hell of a positive difference to them if you were to dissociate from this woman physically and mentally and become your best self and no longer have to deal with mental health issues.

Plenty of advice on this sub on how to proceed further but you first have to make the firm decision to divorce her and never let her back in.

SeaworthinessJust560 · 2022-07-27T21:36:34+00:00

Time to have some honor. It sucks but is the best you can do. Try to do no contact , ice stone. Specially do not be needy.

Your only vengeance is to be happy after going through hell

Late-Kangaroo6081 · 2022-07-27T22:19:47+00:00

She has treated you with utter disregard, completely self focused. Now, after publicly defaming you, running around, indulging in her early mid life crisis and half abandoning the family, she wants back in. But what remains of your marriage that she did not scorch and how can you heal and grow? You gave her two weeks to decide what she wants to do. But you have every right to decide what you want to do. Her act is done and now the stage belongs to you.

WartimeDad · 2022-07-27T23:25:52+00:00

Dude get the fuck out of this. Hire an attorney. She is going to torture you in front of the kids for years and years? Forget about it. Lose the dead weight and let your kids see the best version of yourself.

rsmiley77 · 2022-07-28T00:42:24+00:00

Dude the disrespect she has shown you…. How can you ever go on from that?

rubix_fucked · 2022-07-27T23:07:55+00:00

You shouldn't settle for less. Take some time and see how things go with the other woman. Your wife already ended and opened up the marriage with her affair. You are a safety net for your wayward wife nothing more.

warrior_up · 2022-07-28T01:19:28+00:00

Cheese n rice man. Save some self respect. Take the trash to the curb where it belongs, she’s gonna get used by plenty over the next couple years. Be alone, be free so you can see how pathetic you’re acting right now and get red pilled so you never get cucked like this again

God speed man, you need your balls back like yesterday

WendyBirdie1 · 2022-07-28T02:00:04+00:00

Run. Your kids will thank you someday and will respect and love you so much.

Odd-Damage-4689 · 2022-07-28T04:29:22+00:00

Afterall she treated you for months, went on dates, lied to everyone that you cheated WHY, JUST WHY do you even consider trying again. You should have served her with papers once you found out she was seeing other man.

Your kids saw everything, right? They saw you depressed. They saw she left home. Dont ignore. Dont rugsweep. Dont let her gaslight you. Dont play pick me dance anymore.

There is no remorse. She told you to suck it up. She doesnt love you anymore. Doesnt care about marriage, your mental health and well-being. She just didnt find anyone who would commit. Its time to move on and protect yourself. Lawyer up and find whats your options look like. Secure finances and prepare exit plan. Be a good dad. Your kids will be fine.

MartyMcFly7 · 2022-07-27T21:21:50+00:00

No doubt, that's a really difficult thing to have to go through, my heart goes out to you.

You're really letting this woman run your life. I think everyone here can see that. You want this too much and you're trying too hard. She has way too much control over your life and is being very disrespectful with your emotions. She needs to get her shit together and you need to grow a pair (no offense, we've all been there).

I would tell her that you want to be with someone who is happy to be with you and wants to be with you, and there are already other women lining up. Tell her you want her to be happy, and if you're not doing it for her, then she needs to find happiness on her own because you deserve to be happy too.

Grousers · 2022-07-27T23:50:19+00:00

It’s hard but be a man. Do what you know needs done. I’m in the 3rd year of my divorce and my kids are now 6 and 9. They were 3 and 6 when it all started. Be strong. Be a man. Set the example, and your kids will love you even more. I promise. Time to grind son.

Shitpostradamus · 2022-07-27T23:53:53+00:00

OP, literally everyone else that’s posted has said to get the fuck on with your life and divorce the whore, so I won’t.

What I will say is that the fear and hurt you are feeling right now are not easy to deal with and completely justifiable with how she’s mistreated you. I will also say that you absolutely will be in a better place in about six months to a year, if you focus on getting you back and being there for those kids. I was devastated when I found about my ex’s affair and tried to keep it together. Now I wish I’d moved on from the minute she decided on separation. This has been the best thing to ever happen to me and in time it will be for you too.

You’ve got a woman interested in you, who sees the bad ass guy you are, so you shouldn’t be worried about attracting women. You already are. Go find yourself again, or better yet, create the man you want to see in the mirror every day. God speed, brother

ad74b2wl · 2022-07-28T00:33:44+00:00

Jesus christ her therapist recommended you both see other people / let her cuck you? I swear the people who are attracted to these professions (therapy, marriage counseling) are deeply disturbed themselves. I know this absolute L U N A T I C who is studying to be a MC and I just can't believe how easy it is for these deeply confused people to get licensed to practice.

Idaho2A · 2022-07-28T02:20:11+00:00

One word: Divorce!

Dlanor31 · 2022-07-28T03:19:27+00:00

Move on from her. Who’s to say when she’ll change her mind again. You can’t live peacefully while wondering when she will change her mind. If she’s committed than divorce is not an option unless it’s mutual or someone has been unfaithful or is abusive.

aie-m · 2022-07-28T03:20:55+00:00

she said she’s not in love with me but our friendship is getting better

That's just bs, bro. are you blind or what? Move on, the man, before you learn your lesson the hard way. She had something going on and you're the spare tire. trust me, it will happen again. screw her.

akihonj · 2022-07-28T06:42:30+00:00

You're not lost you're afraid to take that leap.

Here's what you do, you accept that your wife was sleeping with other men while the separation was going on and keeping you as a safe harbour because she knew you would be.

She knew that if things went shit for her she could always pull you back, that's not love that is a secured income for her, you are the secured income.

You now tell her that you've met somebody else in work and you'd like to see how it goes, and as far as you are concerned you're still separated. Tell her that while she was having her fun and doing her level best to destroy you, you also took time to think about things and you do not want to remain in a relationship where the one person who should be reliable behaves the way she did.

Then you set up a fun date with this other woman and go and have a blast.

jkw118 · 2022-07-28T13:21:20+00:00

So the reality here, is she still doesn't know what she wants. She's basically attempting, because she needs a rock. She realizes your pulling the rug of stability. These actions aren't exactly the most stable of ones. Instead of telling friends she was unhappy or unsure, she blamed you for the issues in the relationship. This first off this isn't "adulting", and not fair to you essentially she's alienated you from all of those friends. Assuming you were back together and happy go lucky, now you have to deal with her family/friends believing you cheated on her. And that won't change.

That said, my ex did similar stuff to me, and I have 3 kids.. The kids realize all of what's going on, and it's best to get them out of that situation. They notice their mom going mia. They hear the silence and the yelling/loud talking between the two of you. My ex came back a few times then I noticed it, it wasn't that she was coming back to the relationship. She was coming back to a safety net. She even said, "I'm going to go back out and try again" she kept either quitting jobs, or getting fired, or just getting overloaded by having to deal with general life. This wasn't about a relationship this was about a landing spot for her, she's hit whatever realization that her being off on her own is alot harder then staying at the home. And I'm assuming she's either been living with friends/hookups...

Yes, she could be going through some mid life crisis, but once it starts to affect your marriage/kids. It's time to get serious about things.

You need to divorce her, get a lawyer get it going. Get primary custody. And go for a date with the lady friend. If you'd like tell your stbx that you are going to start seeing someone, and that it takes two to make a relationship work. You've been way past the point of trying to make it all work, but was trying to keep it going for the kids. But this has been unfair to yourself and them.

Seemedlikefun · 2022-07-28T14:00:57+00:00

I say this with the upmost caring and support. You need help! You are destroying the possibility of your children having a chance at healthy adult relationships by being run over by your garbage pail of a wife. Man up and protect your kids by first getting a therapist, then an attorney. If you were my son, I'd slap the shit out of you, then hug, cry and support you in any way to get away from the boat anchor that is dragging your family into the depths.

jasonb197719 · 2022-07-28T14:54:50+00:00

OP, you’ve read through every comment on here. They all say divorce her, and they’re right. You’re in hell right now (I know, I’m there too) and it will be hard for you for a long time, but settle into it because you will become stronger and happier than you have ever been before. I know it doesn’t feel like it, but you will. This is a battle for your soul. Your self worth, your self love, your identity as a loving husband and a father are all on the chopping block. In this pain, get up and do what you know you need to do for yourself (and your children!) despite the pain. She won’t make it easy for you. In fact, she’ll be downright nasty, and she’ll use your protective instincts and love for your family against you. Don’t fall for it. You don’t need her approval to prove to yourself you’re worthy of love. Fight for yourself, and never give in. Now, imagine you didn’t, and now it’s fifteen years later, and she’s had multiple partners, turned your kids against you, and your life is in shambles. Do it now, fight, and never give in no matter how bad it hurts, you won’t regret it. Good luck, my friend.

samk002001 · 2022-07-28T15:07:24+00:00

Story of my life! You can’t force someone to love you, and it’s time to move on. Something probably have happened on the other side of her relationship and you’re her safety net to fall back on. That will be a no, bud!

southass · 2022-07-28T15:36:14+00:00

Dude so many red flags, i know this will be difficult but do not take her back and move on, She will cheat on you and leave you again.

Robosnails · 2022-07-28T16:58:02+00:00

She's lost all respect for you and therefore love for you. Sleeping with other dudes even with you knowing about it is just straight cruel. The harder you fight to keep her the more she will be disgusted with you. Desperation isn't a good look. It's time to get a lawyer, do not speak with her about it at all and just have her served. It's going to hurt but in time you will wish you had done it sooner.

Sufficient-Weight-55 · 2022-07-28T16:59:31+00:00

Day 14. It’s a test

trickneezy · 2022-07-28T19:54:43+00:00

Some people want the security of having others at their disposal. I find it sickening. She values having options more than she values you as a person. The very least she could have done is allowed you to try and find happiness somewhere else. I'm surprised her therapist hasn't addressed the fact that she is stringing you along

Least_Winter9632 · 2022-07-28T20:19:27+00:00

Went through something similar. And as the story often goes, she has begged me multiple times to take her back. We were married 17 yrs.

I’m only 38, plenty of time to rebuild my life. I’d really be screwed if she did it when I was 58.

Try to take the emotion out of it as best you can. Think logically. If she did it now, what’s preventing her from doing it again in 10 yrs, or 20 yrs. What would you do then?

My advice is to move on. Mourn your marriage, start rebuilding your life. The pain dissipates in time, and you get to be the sole captain of your own ship.

Title	Really looking for some advice…
Author	bookman332
Upvotes	22
Comments	49
Date	July 27, 2022 8:14 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/w9oqcz/really_looking_for_some_advice/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/really-looking-for-some-advice.1125472 https://theredarchive.com/post/1125472

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