Why do I do this?

probebeta · 2024-09-02T19:09:52+00:00

You failed to listen to her saying I'm not happy, so you're holding yourself responsible for this. Since your kids are grown I assume you're more senior than me, so my perspective might not be accurate. But when she's saying I'm not happy it usually means shes porking another guy or planning to. There's nothing you could have done at that point to bring things back. You probably had many opportunities to go outside the marriage to find "happiness", but you chose family. She didn't...

Acts of kindness that I do these days will only happen if it's for my kid. Anything outside of that is business only. You do this, I do that. No need to prove anything to her.

ADHD_247 · 2024-09-02T08:26:46+00:00

The most precious thing a person has in life is time. and selflessness and loving thy self, very much at odds.

And be it write or wrong, woman are actually attaracted to men who love or knows how to love themselve first and foremost.

Internal_Echidna5646 · 2024-09-02T08:22:17+00:00

Cancel a few hours before. Kids will get over it. If she asks just tell her something came up.

She probably was going to conveniently have someone else stop by or already be there and/ or post online how great you are helping out.

Not because she believes this but to show everyone "see, we get along & are friends & I didn't do anything wrong in the marriage/relationship"

Turn your phone on silent & disappear somewhere , not your place. Go have a beer somewhere for a few hours & don't answer your phone for a couple days. Sounds like you're "too available". Believe me I've been guilty of it before & it doesn't work like the old days of helping out , being useful etc.

Plastic_Efficiency35 · 2024-09-02T00:37:24+00:00

Why? Because she was part of your life. You cannot erase that. Kids? Because you love them. As much as the reality that they have to learn. Fathers- we always sleep w one eye open. Maybe both when it comes down to our kids. No matter how old they are and how old you are. Do what you think it’s right. Just don’t go overboard.

techrmd3 · 2024-09-01T18:37:22+00:00

so she was unhappy? so you spent time doing video games was she a saint? I don't think so.

It's really a double mind F. Women these days think that their petty reasons for divorce are acceptable from objective criticism. I think the lame excuses for divorce by all parties these days is not compelling. And in time I think history will judge "at will" divorces harshly.

Anyway what I'm getting at is "playing video games" is not a sin. Playing too much video games is not a sin either. And the hell of it is when a spouse wants to exit a marriage... it does not matter the excuse. They are just slinging mud and seeing what sticks.

Don't let your ex or soon to be ex mind F you. Because IT DID NOT MATTER WHAT YOU SUPPOSEDLY DID... they wanted to EXIT. End of story

As to why you talk to your ex/stbex? Yeah many men struggle with this... and it's not healthy for you. And it's just ego fluffing for the ex receiving such calls.

You are essentially saying that you are "waiting around" in case their decision to blow up your marriage is reconsidered... you are "there for them"

F that. This person F'ed up your life once... Why allow such a person F up your life AGAIN?

Think and decide carefully about your ex contact.

tomsnow164 · 2024-09-01T17:49:05+00:00

Boundaries, bro. I didn’t understand them till I saw “boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and myself”. They are awesome.

I thought boundaries were things we did so other people know their place. They are things we uphold so that don’t lose our self respect.

Write them down and start following them.

South_Masterpiece543 · 2024-09-01T16:10:19+00:00

Read https://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy-ebook/dp/B004C438CW/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?crid=35S5E4YV7DAIB&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.QIC_gerneNw8_uJnLjW-myaPE_h6CSQzHWuhfgbydMv7BTIwwA-CF1LCJd34fXpWKfEXD5xbXmfbj41GMB6qselmFXBGLz2mHBrMJs9QqgOp2hHT-h0Xw5Bpdqr6NPTuimOjgBUmrVukwZJjplHkoCUwf8fv3_Ij93vV3_ETQVe6VSxQ3Nf9IYQYYr183gpiriBquhDL0Nlxzk3WgHT8fA.bHEUQdAzmVaJJBaOXV7NwPBe_A4bJVbJp3eg4eKlw-0&dib_tag=se&keywords=no+more+mr+nice+guy+robert+glover&qid=1725206979&sprefix=no+more%2Caps%2C169&sr=8-1

Ancient-Homework7557 · 2024-09-01T15:53:46+00:00

I can understand being civil and thoughtful. Nothing wrong with that. But you don’t owe her this sort of work anymore. That’s the work of a husband. Of which you are no longer. I understand though. I did a few odd jobs for my ex after we split. Mostly out of habit. I’m handy and she’d just use my money to get it done anyway. (In the midst of divorce) so I just did shit. Not anymore. Cut that out immediately. She’ll be pissed but who cares. And if you don’t stop doing it. The requests will never end. Fuck that. Go live your new life. Separate from being her errand boy/Mr. Fix It.

karavan7 · 2024-09-01T15:48:30+00:00

There are lots of reasons that you’re attached to your memory of your former life. Just stop. No services. No money. Responsible co-patent by your own standards.

koboboba · 2024-09-01T14:24:42+00:00

You sound really stupid. And you're teaching your son what a weak man their father is, very bad role model example. Great way to have them lose respect for you.

Nobody respects a man who doesn't respect himself.

berniefl44 · 2024-09-01T14:11:41+00:00

Hahahahaha, please tell me this a joke post

IceDue123 · 2024-09-01T13:52:38+00:00

Holy crap dude! Stop this immediately!

There are thousands of people in your area that need help with things that will appreciate you and not gaslight you!

You are not her husband anymore stop doing husband stuff!

hogger303 · 2024-09-01T13:29:10+00:00

Because you are high on Hopium and doing the pick me dance, hoping she sees your value as a man and takes you back. The next guy will appreciate the work you put into her house.

DudeforRighteousness · 2024-09-01T12:24:48+00:00

She also had responsibility for the failure of the marriage. You were just likely so gaslit during the marriage you actually believed everything was your fault. Pro tip, some of it was. But not all of it. She’s probably still gaslighting you and you’re falling for it and that’s why you’re doing this goofy stuff. Just think about the fact that you’re going over to her place to repair stuff for her and she’s looking for other dudes.

Signal-Dot2326 · 2024-09-01T12:14:36+00:00

Have some self respect man

HereinPA1 · 2024-09-01T11:51:11+00:00

She doesn’t want you in her life and not helping her is part of what that means. I would argue what you’re showing your son is that you have no boundaries and even if a woman discards you she can still have power over you. He’ll respect you more if you stand up for yourself.

azwildcat74 · 2024-09-01T11:47:55+00:00

You’re teaching your son how to fix things but do you not see what else you’re teaching him? That it’s ok to be used as a doormat and chore bitch? Put your balls back on.

HusbandGettingBetter · 2024-09-01T10:56:42+00:00

Recast your motivation for doing these tasks as a way to be with your son, not to prove your worth. She stopped being a wife, so you should stop being a husband. Spoiler Alert - she will be quite upset when you stop playing her husband, but that's on her. She didn't want a husband, and it's about time for her to understand the consequences of her decision.

You are engaging in Nice Guy Covert Contracts. If you do these tasks, you think she will notice my usefulness and we can be in a relationship again. She did not agree to that. She won't fulfill it; stop expecting her to.

Your marriage failed because of both your actions. Yes, you played video games and were not the best husband in other areas, but she also did her part. You may understand your part in the failed marriage, but I will bet she does not.

Stop going over to her house and go to the park with your dogs instead. Go find someone else's house to go on handyman adventures - not necessarily a woman, just someone who needs help. Build a relationship from that interaction and see where it goes.

RevolutionaryAge8959 · 2024-09-01T09:55:49+00:00

Broooooo no more mister nice guy, please read that book, or just stop being that.

Imagine the guy who bang her is laughing at you.

There are one million things to better use your time.

Tchalang0 · 2024-09-01T09:31:33+00:00

Because you have no self pride.

dober88 · 2024-09-01T07:21:38+00:00

OP, stop being a simp. It’s still not too late for your kids to learn what a man with self-respect looks like

Comfortable-Angle660 · 2024-09-01T06:08:16+00:00

OaP, you need to stop this. You are letting her abuse you. You need to leave her struggle, otherwise she will never realize what she lost.

WizofWorr · 2024-09-01T05:42:54+00:00

Please find a hobby and sense of community outside your ex wife and family unit.

I recommend jiu jitsu, and autocross, which really helped me connect with other men who are often more mature and successful, and have already navigated similar things I'm going through.

Based on the way you are thinking, it seems really unhealthy to try and continue seeking validation in a way from your ex.

Title	Why do I do this?
Author	Theedon
Upvotes	19
Comments	36
Date	September 1, 2024 5:29 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1f673hz/why_do_i_do_this/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/why-do-i-do-this.1529038 https://theredarchive.com/post/1529038

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