I'm vastly amused, first of all, that my post kept getting zero upvotes, even after a kind queen here said she upvoted -- and sure enough, the total stayed at zero. That just tells me I hit a nerve, so buckle in, I'm about to hit a lot more nerves, hopefully this time with a damn sledgehammer. Scrotes, you can damn well die mad for what I'm about to say here.

Besides my worst fear of having a man just dump his kids on me so he can work like a maniac and avoid spending time with his kids, that right there is the prime reason I will never marry a third time, nor ever live with a man again. Separate houses, separate finances for the win.

The other thing I'd always want to avoid is him ABANDONING his kids with the first female stranger he deems remotely responsible enough, and just high-tailing it off into the wild blue yonder to go live a kid-free life. That's a fear, too. However, I'm not nice or nurturing; I'd never get in that position anyway, and I'd have no compunction about turning said kids over to foster care. Not only do I not have the skills or temperament to be a mother in the first place, much less a step-mother, I have no desire, no vocation, no wish ever to be a foster parent. I lean hard into my selfishness: I'm not about to take on anyone else's child(ren) for days, weeks, months, years. Not what I signed up for at all. Your kids, your responsibility, not any of mine.

Most of the reason I wouldn't date a single father is the presumption that he's different, his kid(s) are different and special, and they'll take to you, you'll love them, gaslighting blah blah, again, so he has to do less work, and I and other women get roped into doing more and more and more and ultimately ALL the work. And I'm not just talking all the housework, shopping, bill paying, all the mundane practical chores, I'm also quite obviously talking about all the emotional labor too: all the remembering, the noticing, the picking up, putting away, keeping tidied that goes unnoticed. Oh, and let's not forget: the goal posts always keep moving, so I could easily imagine a situation turning abusive where if something is done well, it's never enough, and if something is enough, it's never good enough. No thanks, no appreciation, no collaboration, no mutuality, just unpaid domestic slavery. But hey, at least you got picked! You're LOVED... for being an intelligent pack mule. For being USEFUL.

Being a step-parent means shouldering the entire load of an immature, dependent child, yet getting no credit (maybe decades later, after the child grows up and their frontal lobe matures... maybe?). It means having no power to enforce discipline, either, other than the bare minimum of not taking any physical abuse. I'd even argue that a child who acts out and mouths off, there's not a lot you can do in that situation other than remove yourself and/or just stop interacting. I don't know about any of y'all, but in a close, tense situation like that, where the bio parent isn't around, I'd take precisely zero of that and nope the hell out. Come get your kid or tell me where I can drop them off, I'm getting my stuff and leaving, we're done. Your child hates me, and the stress is NOT AT ALL worth it.

I'll finish here by saying that keeping separate housing and separate money goes a long, long way toward preventing *most* abuse and manipulation. Taking things super slow also helps prevent abuse, and runs off most users, who can't fake interest over the long haul. There's a whole lot to be said for asking a man, too, why he would have primary custody of his children instead of the mother. Someone else said, and I'm magnifying: it would take a hell of a lot for a mother to walk off without her kids. I'll say that the first thing I'd suspect is alcohol and drugs. That's some shitshow drama I'd never want to be involved with long-term, so no wonder the single father can't find anyone to date or marry long-term, especially if the bio mother is messed up.