Are all divorced men = LVM?

Ngwanuza · 2021-01-24T05:32:15+00:00

I know a fair number of male divorcees, and I share you're point of view.There is an absolute absence of ownership and introspection on their part, plenty vilification of their previous partner. Or worse still, outright avoidance. Both don't bode well for a new relationship.

shockingupdate · 2021-01-24T05:37:19+00:00

I don’t have enough divorced guy friends to really speak to this thoroughly, but what I can say from men I’ve dated who’ve tried to fast-track to marriage is that they try desperately to make you see nothing but their best qualities while shoving you closer and closer to the altar. If they won’t talk about their past marriages or ever past girlfriends, I wonder what they would say if you asked, “what do you think makes a man a man?” If it’s the cookie-cutter “leading a household, having a wife, etc.” I suspect that, at some point in their lives, they were obsessed with impressing themselves, their parents, their friends, with having the prettiest wife and the most successful picket-fence lifestyle, to the point of considering their relationship secondary to the social clout it provided. But that’s just a theory.

questionsaboutrel521 · 2021-01-24T08:34:35+00:00

I think the problem is likely more with OLD than with divorced men. OLD attracts narcissists, the emotionally stunted and all around LVM.

wagonwheel_ · 2021-01-24T05:37:13+00:00

My uncle is a total HVM, and he is divorced. His wife left him, but because she is a genuine narcissist and he put up with her for the sake of their child. However, I do think that he falls into a very small minority.

circescircus · 2021-01-24T13:28:48+00:00

Most of the time, yeah. Women file for most divorces, and they do so because they can't take being married to NVM anymore. So a man has to be thoroughly terrible and worthless for a woman to give up companionship, shared finances, an emergency contact, to accept the stigma of divorce, 10 times more true if he has kids. His wife decided that living alone without him, even with a child/children, is easier than dealing with him. This tells you that he has nothing to add to a woman's life, that he just takes and takes. Also, if a man is on apps before his divorce is finalized, or very soon after, that tells you all you need to know. If he can't reflect, be alone for a while, get some therapy, think about why his marriage ended, is just immediately on apps looking for his next bangmaid mommywife, that tells you all you need to know about why his wife divorced him.

Most divorced men are divorced because they kept exploiting and disrespecting their spouse, if they didn't outright cheat on her or abuse her in some way. They are damaged goods with the scarlet D on their forehead. The D also stands for douchebag and dickhead, they are damaged from divorce because they are a douchebag and dickhead. [I don't believe this is true of divorced women-- I think the opposite. Divorced women are often survivors of abusive or NV marriages, and had the integrity and self-respect to get out.]

I think there are a few "exceptions" where it is not necessarily the guy's fault 100%. But that still doesn't make him worth dealing with. Men can't get over a breakup from a 9 month relationship 10-20 years ago, they rarely truly emotionally recover from a divorce. They just take it out on women, the next woman who dares to give him the benefit of the doubt.

He comes from a very conservative or religious culture where they pressure both men and women to marry young. Like a Mormon guy who was pressured to get married by age 21. I can see a couple like this growing up and growing apart, divorced by age 30. Likely to have other issues as a result of this upbringing, but it doesn't necessarily suggest that he was so terrible/abusive/worthless that this is the reason for the divorce. This is the least nefarious reason for divorce, and not the excuse most men readily have.
His ex is genuinely mentally unstable or has untreated mental illness. A LOT of men try to claim "my ex was crazy", the vast majority of men who insist their ex was crazy just made her crazy or they are totally making it up to suit their narratives, but there are a minority of cases where the woman really is crazy. If he claims his ex is crazy when she is not/he made her that way, he'll be manipulative and abusive, and he will make you "crazy" too. If his ex REALLY was mentally unsound, he's going to have a shipping container load of mental health issues to unpack, a lot of trust issues, like the dude will need several years in therapy but will be back on dating apps before his divorce is finalized. Avoid.
His ex cheated on him. It could be that he cheated on her first, she got fed up with him looking at porn, whatever. His reason for divorce is "justified", or a mutual decision to divorce is justified if they are both cheating, but so often, women don't just cheat because they have the opportunity or because they are thirsty. Women usually cheat because the man is emotionally neglecting her. A HVW would never cheat, she would just leave the guy, but a lot of pickmes cheat because they like to have a backup before committing to leaving. This guy will also have mental problems and trust issues, he will make you pay for his ex's crimes. This type of guy is often on dating apps before his divorce is finalized too, looking for women to pay for his ex's crimes. Avoid.

Guys in group 2 and 3 often become redpilled, so look out for that as well.

Dorkamus_Rex · 2021-01-24T05:33:20+00:00

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weekend111 · 2021-01-24T09:29:44+00:00

I’d say it’s at least a yellow flag. Yellow can change to red with number of divorces and age.

I’d say a guy my age (32) who’s been divorced once is a yellow flag. People, even HV people, make mistakes. But men are supposed to be vetting too, and getting divorced so young shows a lack thereof. A guy my age with 2 divorces? Red flag. Why would a 32 year old have 2 divorces? Just no. And yes I’ve met guys not much older than me in their second.

2021-01-24T08:50:31+00:00

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Gourmay · 2021-01-24T08:12:05+00:00

I think it depends on age. When I moved to the US I could not believe how many people on OLD in their thirties were divorced; I had relationships with two divorcés and they were both LVMs, NPD etc. If you’re meeting in real-life, that means you can vet better; in that case I would consider a younger divorcé. On OLD, under a certain age I wouldn’t risk it again because I’m not good at spotting their red flags.

questionsaboutrel521 · 2021-01-24T11:59:01+00:00

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simplicityduplicity · 2021-01-24T05:35:07+00:00

From personal experience, it’s all dependent on if the divorced man has done the therapy and introspection required in order to be a better man. Even if the divorce was amicable, there are absolutely things he needs to untangle in therapy. Most men, however, aren’t willing to step aside from their egos to do the work. I’d definitely approach this subset of men more warily than unmarried men.

Pornruinedsociety · 2021-01-24T11:31:47+00:00

Whilst not all men are directly to blame for divorce, we know most men watch porn which erodes relationships (even if the wife never new about the husband's porn use or turned a blind eye) and I don't know many married women who's husband does his fair share of chores and childcare and if they do the woman has to 'nag' them to do it. So I'm very skeptical of any man who's been divorced, even if the ex wife did something shit, things aren't always clear cut and one person's continued frustration and disappointment lead to them acting out in some way and too many men lie, some will lie about why they divorced. There may be some guys who are divorced but still have a lot to offer in a relationship, but personally I imagine they a very few and far between.

-pop-fizz-clink · 2021-01-24T05:54:33+00:00

All? I don't know. I'm not sure I want to cast a wide net such as that - the failure of marriages is not always or wholly a man's fault, so I'm not sure that being divorced is automatically a black smudge on a particular man. What I do know is that not many have done the work, (therapy, or at the least emotional and psychological self help, creating maintaining positive habits) and are still bitter about what (ex wife) she used to do or say or whatever. A lot of people I have come across dating-wise triggered by the tiniest of perceived similarities to the ex wife/gf (example: "oh, my ex used to say that" "oh my ex liked those too." "Well she said the same thing about me.") and it has truly thrown them - turn them into a headcase because they can't deal, because they don't know how. So they blame shift, she was this and that. Any guy who complains about an ex right off the bat, I have to cut it off. It's so toxic.

The examples of where you've said the same thing as his ex is always concerning. For me it's always been a really reasonable request such as "please don't do that" when poking my tummy ("ugh I'm just joking my ex couldn't take a joke either") or say, "you're scaring me, please slow down" (when driving maniacally on a dirt road and said "omg Alex used to hate my driving too, god I just can't win, I'm a great driver"). Maybe he could have taken some lessons about respect instead of continuing the super concerning cycle of negging and sincerely scaring someone, and then turning into a (twisted) joke. If theye divorced they're not Auto-LVM but the propensity is high for that, as the vast majority has not put forth any efforts into self improvement by seeking knowledge, professional objective feedback, and advice and maybe even help of some kind (perhaps there's an underlying issue that when treated, will help as a working part of a whole).

Just my two sense and yes I am verbose and I am working on it. Haha.

PasDeTout · 2021-01-24T15:59:30+00:00

I think many divorced men on dating apps are very bitter and an awful lot have the mindset of ‘I’m never marrying again. My ex wife took all my money. Women are evil gold diggers’. They are clearly LVM. But they don’t represent all divorced men. It’s just difficult to find them.

jayda92 · 2021-01-24T07:55:08+00:00

My fiance was married before. I used to reject divorced men since I don't need that kind of baggage in my life.

He was with her for 8 years, married her and divorced within 9 months because she was cheating with her boss (she's with the boss now). No kids involved.

I had issues with that, so i decided to speak to my mom. I also got out of a 8 year relationship. She thought it was a good thing; that he wanted marriage and asked her when she was ready for it.

My fiance and I are waiting for our wedding, he asked me a year in into our relationship. He proved that he is HV over and over and over. I'm happy I didn't write him off too soon.

SerenaFit · 2021-01-24T05:19:08+00:00

I don’t know many but from those I do know I agree with you 💯 unfortunately

2021-01-24T06:43:50+00:00

I will swipe left on 100% of divorced men on a dating app without a second thought. Because of the nature of online dating I’m not going to willingly choose something that is such a potential red flag. Also, if I were on OLD I’d try to date within 2-3 years of my age (either way) so someone who is my age (31) and already married and divorced makes me uncomfortable. And I just wonder when he had time to learn how to be single and work on himself.

I may think differently as my dating pool and I get older. Also, if I vibe with someone I meet organically and it turns out he’s divorced I may think differently. But that’s too hypothetical for me to worry about.

CrazyPaine · 2021-01-24T09:55:50+00:00

It reminds me I was asking for help on the assistant part of reddit and this guy asked me where I lived.

First red flag.

I lied about where I lived fuck that. He told me where he lived of course, saying why he created a reddit account and then he mentioned that he was going through a nasty divorce, his wife was stalking him and he was trying to be mature about it or whatever he said.

Second red flag.

Then he told me that he had a POF where he wanted me to edit, he will guide me on what to say and I could have the money and assistance.

Third and final red flag.

I just made an excuse and blocked him. No way man no way. Yes I need assistance but fuck that.

Babooshka-123 · 2021-01-24T10:05:30+00:00

I don’t think so, because the women I know who are divorced are amazing so there must be great divorced men out there too.

I have wondered if 40yo men who have never been married are a bigger red flag because nobody would marry them, then again I know 40yo women who are amazing and never married.

(I’ve just used 40 as an arbitrary age)

2021-01-24T23:00:03+00:00

I would say definitely be even more cautious than normal... But I wouldn’t automatically assume he was LV from just ONE divorce, assuming he’s young and not having a midlife crisis.

She might’ve cheated. She might’ve amassed huge gambling debts, as happened to my cousin. She might’ve had a drug or drinking problem. They may have simply married way too young.

Shut does happen.

I would vet vet vet. But a failed marriage that didn’t last very long and wasn’t the result of anything in particular he did or his midlife bullshit, I wouldn’t hold against him.

Vast-Imagination · 2021-01-24T12:05:17+00:00

I think when a woman gets divorced she is generally a lot more introspective. She has girlfriends that she cries to, talks to, reflects to. So even if they don't go to therapy they've had so sort of opportunity to express their grief and feelings and process their emotions.

Men are much less likely to talk about it and also much less likely to go to therapy.

So a lot of them just bottle it up, never deal with their issues, never learn from it and want to rejoin the dating world again.

Having said that, some were just unlucky first time. Especially if they are from a culture or religion where they tend to get married younger, then they may be divorced and can warrant a second chance.

But anyone who lies about it is a red flag for sure.

BettyX · 2021-01-24T21:23:53+00:00

OLD attracts LVM, period.

2021-01-24T16:19:41+00:00

Most women will do just about anything to make a marriage work (especially if there are kids).

Years of marriage tend to make women incapable of surviving on our own, unless we intentionally go I to marriage with the mindset that we'll have backups.

melonmagellan · 2021-01-25T06:15:13+00:00

If he can admit his part in the failure of the relationship, and is a good father if he has kids, then he's not LV in my opinion. That is, if he's done some self-improvement in an effort to correct his flaws.

balladwilds · 2021-01-24T15:30:27+00:00

of course not. it's like saying all divorced women are LVW

Bacheegs · 2021-01-24T19:05:11+00:00

I actually find more hvms are divorcees, at my age at least. If a man hasn’t been married by 35 often that’s a lvm sign. Depends on each person

butterflyhatcher · 2021-01-24T18:53:34+00:00

Are all divorced women =LVW?

Let's not dabble with asbolutes here, there is nuance with each situation.

2021-01-26T11:01:34+00:00

Yes.

Title	Are all divorced men = LVM?
Author	Dorkamus_Rex
Upvotes	179
Comments	62
Date	January 24, 2021 5:15 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/l3t5dl/are_all_divorced_men_lvm/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/are-all-divorced-men-lvm.746232 https://theredarchive.com/post/746232

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