Discussing future finances

yoursultana · 2022-02-12T18:52:06+00:00

No man who loves you truly would expect you to pay for any bills- period point blank. If he’s so popping and has money for three properties, then he’s nickeling and diming you bc he thinks he can do better. This doesn’t mean you’re not worth it- HE doesn’t think you’re worth it- big difference.

Cut it loose now. Leave.

lolmemberberries · 2022-02-12T04:29:51+00:00

If he owns two homes and is looking to buy a third and you are looking to buy your first home, you are not on equal footing with him financially. He should not be asking you to pay rent or bills.

sourcircus · 2022-02-12T02:58:10+00:00

Like the rest already mentioned the age gap is concerning. His age in particular makes me wonder why he has not settled down yet. It is easy to pay lip service to marriage when you don’t show any significant action but throw the word around. It is super effective with women who feel they have to settle down soon. Of course 6 months is way too early but is prime for love bombing.

You mentioned that you cried during the conversation. What did he do when that happened?

I saw another comment about you replying that he pays for dates, etc. but I would like this to be top of mind that it is the bare minimum for a man to do that. It should not hold weight. Rather you have to consider thoughtfulness in places he chooses, intentions, effort.

This is probably not what you wanted to hear but you seem to be in a great position financially, and you are young (not that any woman should every settle), you can do so much better.

Affectionate_Gap_326 · 2022-02-12T00:37:40+00:00

"we probably make about the same amount of income."

The fact that you don't even know how much money he makes is a huge indication you should not be buying a house with him.

Stop acting like a wife. You are not.

candyfox84 · 2022-02-12T01:06:15+00:00

Should not be bringing up home purchases or other major life decisions without a clear position on marriage. My ex tried to do this to me, three years in we still weren’t married but he wanted to buy a second home with MY cash for the down payment and “both our names” on it.

Girl, I dumped him and bought my own damn house.

catsuramen · 2022-02-12T02:08:36+00:00

Unlike what other posters suggested, I'd say instead of showing all your cards stating what YOU want, ask him what does he envision you guys future life be like.

It's a futile effort to 'communicate' your non- negotiable anyways, so might as well VET VET VET his answers. Go in with your own solid expectations with a actionable plan. If you are no-no in splitting 50/50, leave if he mentions it because he isn't gonna change his mind or resent you for it. If you are okay with splitting it by contribution, determine what is fair for you and don't budge.

You mentioned he has 2 other homes. Does he plan to rent out his current home and move into your home that you solely paid and titled for free?

Most of all, trust your gut instinct. Does he have YOUR best interest in mind?

iwanttobesobernow · 2022-02-11T21:50:28+00:00

6 months? How in the world have you had enough time to vett this guy?

purasangria · 2022-02-12T00:15:58+00:00

He's 10 years older than OP, and wants to go 50/50?

😒 😒 😒 Naw, sis.

Aromatic-Owl8808 · 2022-02-11T23:01:51+00:00

He's way too old for you, he's old enough to know better, and he is stingy. Dump him. Don't let it go, let him go.

SessionLeather · 2022-02-11T22:05:56+00:00

I have a house on my own. I pay for it myself. If I were with someone significantly richer (income and/or assets), I would expect him to pay most if not all of any expenses. If he owns 2-3 houses, he has more substantial assets than you and you could say that you hope to be with a partner who is trying to be an equal with you/bring you up to their level. But men either are supportive or greedy, I find. I prefer to just disengage somewhat and let them come to me if they are trying to set agreements that don’t work for me.

1bukitbatokstreet25 · 2022-02-12T02:33:00+00:00

He draws too many lines. that guy isn’t interested in sharing his life w you he wants an amicable arrangement living together.

enchantedglow · 2022-02-12T06:59:25+00:00

Rather than let it go, I think you need to dump him. He has 2 homes, is working on purchasing a 3rd but wants you to go 50/50? No sis. Also, he clearly makes enough to afford utilities so why does he even want you to pay for that? The fact that he acted surprised is also a red flag. A HVM knows you're worth it and wouldn't question that. Listen to your gut. And I agree with the other posters that the age gap is a concern.

millennialpink2000 · 2022-02-11T22:11:36+00:00

It sounds like you and your bf are on different pages. He instinctively went to 50/50, then course corrected when you called him out on it. The 'your dream house will be yours solely' sounds like love bombing and future faking. His level of 'surprise' at your previous contributions sounds shitty. He shouldn't have been surprised if that was his norm.

Don't mean to be a Debbie downer, but you may want to reconsider this relationship

sewingmachinesavior · 2022-02-12T00:05:09+00:00

That level of age gap sets you up for abuse. Please reconsider. Search “age gap” in this sub and read read read!

RainbowChardonnay · 2022-02-11T22:55:46+00:00

Can you just buy a place on your own?

UmmmHiHello · 2022-02-11T21:55:09+00:00

All this stuff gets complicated

How old are you and him?

You’re 6 months in, just keep vetting

I personally say buy a home on your own (prior to getting married) so this asset is yours and yours alone … and you only need to save 5% down which is fine for most markets

Although too much here really to say for sure

I say this as a woman who has been married and then divorced. We split the house we bought together and bought my own 4 years ago and it’s appreciated by 40%. I love having this home that is mine and no on has ANY say 🖕🤩

mrs-not-know-it-all · 2022-02-11T23:29:56+00:00

Absolutely, you can not keep any unconformity while discussing finances. It is absolutely reasonable to not apport any type of money to a mortgage that doesn't have your name on.

And also paying for the utilities is not a acceptable 50/50 deal. He gets to put down payments on his mortgage which is going to give him equity. While all the utilities will give you nothing. So even if you are trying to aim for 50/50 order to be a fair trade, which fds is against, it would only be fair to split the utilities.

fyxgyden · 2022-02-11T23:26:10+00:00

If he can afford three houses on his own why does he need you to pay for anything? Is he just not man enough?

spicyspa · 2022-02-12T08:27:08+00:00

Sometimes when my daughter starts to ask a question about a man I'd just say don't.

I ask her why she needed to confirm what she already knew. It can be reassuring but discounting your intuition can be too late. I'll always discuss it, but she just needs to go with her gut.

So for the OP I ask as we all need to ask ourselves why do we need to confirm water is wet? If you need to ask a relationship question you already know the answer? Why can't we trust our guts? If we err when we trust our guts, the outcome is miniscule. Ignoring it is fatal.

Platipus6 · 2022-02-11T22:50:00+00:00

Any man who buys 'investment properties' is landlord scum, sorry.

We're in this mess because greedy men want to put every aspect of our lives on a monthly lease. Why sell something once when you can rent it out for 80 years?

Housing is a need, not a commodity. I'd ditch him for that alone.

Buy and own your own home and don't ever let anyone take it away from you. Housing insecurity targeted towards women has been the biggest tool of our manipulation and oppression.

ShittyPianist · 2022-02-12T09:43:06+00:00

"No spouse, no house," is a good rule of thumb.

He'd come for that house the moment you left him. Don't go in with someone to a mortgage unless you're married, so you have some legal protection incase it goes south.

lvrcalii · 2022-02-12T00:09:49+00:00

Meh. I'm not a fan of this guy OP.

SupremeDearLeader · 2022-02-12T00:54:43+00:00

Good husband material says yes ofcouse you can fix it up to your liking and I'll pay for it, he should be grateful a woman wants him. He's got some gold digger tendencies showing, not a good sign.

maymagicalheart · 2022-02-11T23:05:06+00:00

Sounds selfish. He already have houses in his name. To build a future together, it would only be reasonable to get houses in your name in the future to maximize credit and potential borrowing. Allows you to max tax benefits and such. If he was really thinking of a future together this would have been brought up. He does not sound like he is planning a future together. Be careful.

JulyParade · 2022-02-11T23:35:21+00:00

If you want to continue with this man speak with a lawyer about your best strategy here. An hour consult isn't expensive considering you are talking about real estate.

engineergorl · 2022-02-12T02:40:05+00:00

6 months is way too early to be planning serious financial decisions with your boyfriend like buying a home or splitting mortgage costs. Even if your boyfriend and you were to come to an agreement now, either of you could change your minds later or the relationship could come to an end before the agreement comes into play. Who knows what things will be like in a year or two? What you need to do is look at your situation, take your boyfriend out of consideration, and consider what you could or want to do. If you were single, what would your timeline be for buying a home and what mortgage would you be able to afford? I feel it would be financially prudent to go for a home you could afford on your own rather than relying on the potential of financial assistance from your boyfriend to get a bigger mortgage.

You would need to research the circumstances in which a house purchased before marriage becomes a marital asset if that’s one of your concerns. Always consult a lawyer concerning prenups and laws governing division of marital property. Prenups can be circumvented or thrown out by a court, which is why lawyers are important.

Finally, you are 33 and he is 42. I know people are pointing out the age gap, but 33 & 42 is not as egregious as 21 & 30. Are you and him in similar life stages? Is he divorced? Does he have kids? Does he treat you like a peer, or does he view you as less mature? When looking at finances, you need to keep in mind that he’s had 9 more years on you to save money, buy homes, and accumulate more wealth. You should not have to struggle to keep up with his lifestyle using your own resources. You need to stick to the lifestyle you can afford, and he subsidizes if he wants you to come up to his lifestyle. That’s part of what not doing 50/50 is about. A man making $100k and a woman making $40k going 50/50 on an apartment that’s commensurate with HIS lifestyle rather than a cheaper one that she can afford is her sacrificing her savings to subsidize his lifestyle.

KetoKittenAround · 2022-02-11T23:36:08+00:00

Get a house you can afford that is only yours.

I don’t think the age gap would be that bad if you were in the same place in life. If you owned your own properties and such. My own fiancé is around 9 years older but when we met I owned my own properties and fully had my finances together. I had a portfolio and a solid understanding of building my own wealth/worth.

More than that? I would laugh if I were expedited to go 50/50. Like why is he even around if he can’t care for me and treat me right?

He sounds like he is future faking and I’m wondering if you tend to pay 50/50 on other things? Why on earth would he expect that?

Again, don’t mix your money on things you might not fully understand. Do your homework and own your own stuff. Then no matter what it will be yours, because he knows that all his stuff will always be his.

That_Insurance3648 · 2022-02-11T23:09:56+00:00

Do either of you have kids? Trying to put the pieces to the puzzle together

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warinmymind94 · 2022-02-12T22:22:00+00:00

Even as a pickme the men I lived with NEVER made me pay rent. They wanted me there. And I didn't cook or clean for them. I had lived with 3 men before FDS (all boyfriend's at the time) and they all said the same thing: they wanted me there, even just me being around was a good influence on them, no need for me to pay rent because it was their pleasure to have me and they wanted me to keep my money and use it for better things.

You did GOOD though by discussing your financial future with him, especially because he already is a homeowner. That's a conversation that every woman on FDS needs to have when she is getting more serious with the man.

You're right 50/50 is a roomate situation. If you wanted to split costs, you could have a roomate. In some cities I know people get a roomate for higher end fancier apartments and do 50/50 and the rent is about $1800 to $2k a month. So they can pay like $900 to $1k a month and have the roomate, or for that cost they could find several 1 bedrooms average looking apartments (not luxury but not dumpy) or a more luxurious studio apartment and live alone. Just something to keep in mind the money you'd be splitting with him is money you could use to have any of the apartment situations I mentioned OR you could use it for buying your own house.

I'm suspicious of him for wanting 50/50 but also for the fact that you're name isn't on the deed or ANYTHING. that's a massive risk for you - your name isn't on it and I'm pretty sure legally that means he can have you removed from HIS property any time he wants!!! Scary!! You could be on the street in the blink of an eye. For no reason with no warning either.

Mortgages also arent as expensive as rent. They're usually like half the cost of what renting it would be, as like a rule of thumb. Have you seen the stories online about men upcharging women in your type of situation. Like she's being charged 1k thinking it's 50/50 and really his mortgage is only $500 (numbers for simplicity). But also WHY PAY ANYTHING for HIS house that you don't even LIKE? WHY?

Sis he owns THREE places. There's no reason from him to change you a dime especially when you're his gf, especially when your name isn't on anything, especially when you don't even like the house, especially when be has so much power over you. He initially said he wanted 50/50 and seems like he out earns you. Don't bother! This is risky and dumb for your own sake. Get a roomate if you want to share bills if not live alone I showed examples it can be done.

misandryisnotreal · 2022-02-12T21:39:29+00:00

Not even once, sis. Run.

Title	Discussing future finances
Author	Expensive-Worker5767
Upvotes	193
Comments	61
Date	February 11, 2022 9:33 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/sqa7xd/discussing_future_finances/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/discussing-future-finances.1101175 https://theredarchive.com/post/1101175

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