🚩 Don't get suckered into "protecting/respecting" the guy you're dating by keeping his dirty deeds a secret from your longtime trusted family/friends

Thestral-glow6 · 2021-08-02T19:26:24+00:00

100% agree. I’m sick of the whole keep quiet and don’t tell anyone your literally being abused emotionally/mentally/physically because it’ll hurt some scrotes fee fees, and people won’t like him anymore 🥺 .. 🤨🤨🧐🤨🧐.. Your (vetted) friends and family love you, will look out for you and only want what’s best for you.

ComprehensiveAmoeba9 · 2021-08-02T19:17:37+00:00

I agree, my family has always been able to pick up on red flags right away after I mention something. One guy I dated was using covid as an excuse to not meet his family (turned out to be a commitment phobe). My parents said I could always meet them over zoom or FaceTime and when I brought it up to my ex he claimed they didn’t like using that. Keep in mind I had seen him FaceTime them before. My ex would tell me my parents were illogical and I shouldn’t listen to them🤡

PaunchyPilates · 2021-08-02T19:50:50+00:00

Telling women to ignore talking about the small Effups but giving "permission" is discuss the large Effups is merely so he can gaslight better. It's not different than how society as a whole says "but they don't have a record" or "but you've never complained before!"

Mention the small stuff; memorialize it in an email to a friend/ family member so that later you have a paper trail.

catlady4u · 2021-08-02T19:59:08+00:00

Mansplaining how to disclose abuse? Fuck this guy. I went thru this with my NVX. It was months before I told my family what an abusive POS he was. When he found out about it, he flipped out and accused me of 'stabbing him in the back'. I'm still grateful I no longer have to deal with him.

Jay-quellen · 2021-08-02T20:54:57+00:00

Abusers and toxic people rely on shame and silence in order to cover up their bad behavior.

pickmieshaexorcist · 2021-08-02T19:23:18+00:00

Good post, on the flip side, if you’re with a HVM, you’re not going to feel the need to hash over your relationship all the time with friends and family, needing all this advice/validation/reassurance.

A stark difference I’ve observed between my current marriage and my unhappy previous one is, I never feel the need to talk about current husband! Aside from just everyday news and happenings, of course. With my ex I’d constantly be venting to my mom and others. But I’m actually content and happy now. I’m not keeping secrets, either, it’s truly that there’s nothing I need to commiserate about.

So if you’re in a relationship where you’re always discussing and questioning and complaining, and feeling fucking awful 24/7 but trying to pretzel yourself into “working on issues” with endless conversations…it’s probably a relationSHIT.

PinturaMagnifica · 2021-08-02T22:16:24+00:00

I remember reading somewhere on FDS that it's important to mention your close, strong relationships with others (friends, parents, etc.) when you start vetting a man.

This lets them know that you have a party of trusted individuals who have you best interest at heart that you WILL divulge information to. It reminds them that you will not be isolated, and you will be harder to abuse. 💪🏻

Fetus92 · 2021-08-02T20:02:38+00:00

I wish I had read this months ago! During my last relationship I never told my mom anything bad about my ex except once where I needed to get reassurance to break up with him, and I ended up not breaking up with him anyways. I never told anyone about the few instances where he would take his frustrations out on me by talking down to me. Fast forward a month after the breakup and I open up about those things with my mom and she asks me why I would ever put up with that because she knows that being talked down to is the one thing I will not tolerate. I was kind of stunned, and wish I had brought it up before. I was so used to men telling me that getting friends/family involved in our relationship was destructive/toxic that it didn’t even occur to me that I needed someone to help me see past my rose-colored glasses to notice the very huge red flags that I just kind of buried in the back of my mind.

Vmchik · 2021-08-02T21:05:41+00:00

Yes, this definitely how they isolate you and slowly get you to go crazy because you won’t have anyone to help you see how they’re abusing you.

RabidWench · 2021-08-03T01:05:06+00:00

Half of those guys whining about disloyal women will go straight to their mama when they're having problems with their wives and girlfriends.

Cat_With_The_Fur · 2021-08-03T01:36:47+00:00

Yep. I covered for my ex’s alcoholism for years. After we got divorced, I found out that the whole time, he’d been telling all of our friends, church, his family, etc all of our marital problems (conveniently leaving out that they all stemmed from HIS alcoholism).

Everyone in my town turned on me and I lost a lot of my community. They considered him to be “such a great guy,” and bought all his lies about how frigid I was.

I wish I had shouted from the rooftops that he drank and played video games all night, yelled at me, and bullied me into sex when I was disgusted by how drunk he was.

_queeeen_ · 2021-08-02T21:44:35+00:00

On the one hand, I’m very protective of my female loved ones and don’t want to know about every single thing he does wrong. On the other hand, I’ve had too many experiences where we’ve missed red flags because the ladies weren’t spilling enough tea or weren’t sharing with someone who was willing to call a spade a spade.

Talk about your relationship issues with your friends and older trusted women in your life. Also, if you have to ask, you probably already know.

anxious-american · 2021-08-02T23:54:59+00:00

My abusive NVM ex gaslit me into thinking I wasn't allowed to tell my friends what happened between us. He would shame me SO MUCH for telling my friends abiut the abuse.... I think he didn't want to have other people telling me to leave him.

sruslywhytho · 2021-08-03T04:24:06+00:00

I nearly lost a friend because she'd been in an abusive relationship with a NVM and covering for him for years. The signs were there when they first started dating. Then they moved in together and she basically never mentioned his name again outside of posting an occasional fake happy couple photo on FB. They moved into a place that she furnished and paid 70% of the rent for because he was broke of course. She couldn't have friends over because he assumed that people would steal his stuff. When I met him for the first time I had to pretend that the only thing I knew was his name. I couldn't admit that I knew what he did for a living, or that he had 2 brothers, or that he'd grown up in NYC because he would get pissed off at her for talking about him behind his back. I tried to talk to her about how unhealthy it seemed a few times and she got really defensive and we drifted apart. After they broke up she admits that he'd threatened to physically abuse her and she'd spent months living with friends and at hotels because she felt unsafe in her own home. If she'd of kept lines of communication open with friends that loved her it never would of had a chance to get that far.

PorkNeckBone · 2021-08-02T21:55:20+00:00

I’ve heard LVW repeat this same advice while saying things like other women want to “ruin their happiness” (because everyone wants their scrote 🙄 or they’re in denial about abuse). I’ve also had LV women tell me that I should cover up the things LVXs did when I was venting in past abusive relationships which made me question if I was overreacting to abusive behaviors. This advice is manipulative and isolating and only benefits LVM. I’ve never felt like I had to hide details about my partners in healthy relationships and never felt ashamed of my partners when in healthy relationships which really drives home how terrible this advice is. With LVM/LVW who push this advice too, I’ve noticed that the “small” issues they excuse escalate into, if they aren’t already, major red flags such as cheating, lying about drug usage, hiding STDs, etc. because they say you shouldn’t tell your family/friends about anything they may not forgive him for even though you probably will (why are we expected to forgive these big red flags? 🤯 why protect a man who doesn’t respect me? 🤯)

I’ve never met a HVM/HVW who told me this kind of advices either. It was always pickmes who acted like keeping a man was the most important thing in the world or scrotes who were trying to set me up to be comfortable with their abuse.

Xiena78 · 2021-08-03T03:24:51+00:00

I've always felt that If they feel their shitty behavior isn't "that bad", then they should be proud that everybody knows what they've done.. Don't keep their secrets. If they don't want to be seen as a POS, then don't act like one. It's not rocket science.

asianinindia · 2021-08-03T02:38:03+00:00

Disloyal? Sir you're a new addition to said woman's life. Disloyal? ROFL. Men really think they're supposed to be everything to women, don't they.

Ambitious_Cup5774 · 2021-08-02T20:45:47+00:00

If you find yourself venting to those whom you trust, consider it a red flag! You shouldn't need to vent and analyze weird stuff in a healthy relationship!

thatshadywitch · 2021-08-03T09:19:52+00:00

LMAO my ex was super pissed at the idea that I talked about our relationship with my friends and family. It is 100% manipulative because, if you don't talk about the issues going on in your relationship, only the two of you know about his low-value behaviour and you're isolated from family and friends if things get worse. And the gaslighting is strong. How many times do we hear about women hurt if not killed by their partner, who was "such a nice guy, it was totally unexpected"? Always, ALWAYS have a support system.

Solid-Liquid · 2021-08-02T23:42:56+00:00

Once I reconnected with my friends, the relationship lasted only 9 more months before I got tired of his shit and broke up with him 😂

_RustInPiece_ · 2021-08-03T01:20:48+00:00

I'd argue that this was a LVM - isolation is something that abusers (NVM) push for. And yes, you are absolutly right of course: Always confine to your loved ones, especially those who love you without sex on a platonic level.

eatnthrowtrashaway · 2021-08-03T02:17:59+00:00

I did this for years as a teen because I was so scared of being humiliated by my family for getting out of a relationship, by trusting the guy, or just because his actions truly embarrassed me. Never again. It’s never worth it.

Apart-Ad-6048 · 2021-08-03T08:24:22+00:00

I dated a guy briefly who would claim that he had hypochondria and couldn't kiss. Asked me to not tell this to anyone because it was his weakness. I still told my cousin and he acted all hurt and manipulated me to never tell this to anyone ever again. So here I was, in a relationship, with zero sexual activity. It turns out that hypochondria was not the actual thing. He had erection issues that he was trying to hide. Smh!

luvmyvulvaxoxo · 2021-08-03T13:54:12+00:00

To add onto your post, I always side eye men who prefer in person or phone call conversations. Yea, you can get a better feel for people. But in my experience men often use that as a way to avoid a paper trail and accountability.

My ex would yell and curse at me on the phone, all our text disagreements were more respectful, or ended sooner. My NVM ex boss loves to rely on his bad memory. He also deletes ALL his email and I think it’s so he can’t be held accountable.

BxGyrl416 · 2021-08-03T14:30:48+00:00

There’s a difference in protecting confidential/private information (like, details about your sex life, possible childhood abuse and trauma of you suffered) and keeping what call I dirty little secrets (that he’s married, that he’s still living with an ex, that he’s in court for failure to pay child support.)

I think some of this stems from the fact that women are constantly gaslighted and second guessed even when they’re right, so admitting that there is shadiness or dishonorable behavior on part of their partners would exacerbate this. Admitting these dirty little secrets, to some women, would mean giving people in their life ammunition to discredit them or write them off as having overall bad judgement. Notice when a woman is in an an abusive relationship, the first question is always “Why does she stay with him?” not “Why is he an abusive, manipulative POS?”

I once had a friend who was very cagey about a relationship. I literally never met the guy, even after he moved in with her. She casually dropped that he had a son (I don’t think she knew this going into the relationship.) Some of the behavior she described was really suspect, a huge red flag that he wasn’t being faithful. So, I asked her. Do you know she later changed her story to protect him? The details of her stories never added up. I’d ask her and she’d play it off like I forgot or misunderstood.

The lying and fronting for him put a strain on our friendship. It’s clear you don’t want me to meet him. We’re good friends for years. Why?

Well, she later admitted some months later that they broke up, he moved out, and he’d been cheating on her the entire time. WOW. No kidding. She said the reason that she wasn’t more open about details of their relationship is that she was embarrassed and thought I’d judge her. No, I’d judge HIM and advise her to exit stage left.

Title	🚩 Don't get suckered into "protecting/respecting" the guy you're dating by keeping his dirty deeds a secret from your longtime trusted family/friends
Author	top_of_the_stairs
Upvotes	779
Comments	44
Date	August 2, 2021 7:09 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/owlh6g/dont_get_suckered_into_protectingrespecting_the/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/dont-get-suckered-into-protectingrespecting-the.796833 https://theredarchive.com/post/796833

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