Dont mention your standards

BasieSkanks · 2021-11-04T17:27:08+00:00

Also, be careful about mentioning your standards to men you are vetting. If you tell them what you’re looking for, you’ve given them what they need to manipulate you for as long as it takes for them to get what they want out of you. For example, lot of men have copped onto the fact that more and more women are taking an anti-porn stance and are now saying they’re also against porn. It’s not uncommon for the woman to catch the man continuing to watch porn months into the relationship. Keep your standards and boundaries high and close to your chest.

vucinal · 2021-11-04T12:57:44+00:00

I agree. Or men will use your standards against you and try to neg you

DallasM19 · 2021-11-04T13:50:55+00:00

This. "What do you look for in a guy?" And questions like this from men shouldn't be answered. "I want to know what you look for in partner that I can pretend to be that until you let me have sex with you".

"Oh, I'll know it when I see it 🙂." Or I say a joke "dark hair, brown eyes, loyal and great recall. Oh, sorry that's a doberman."

Only you need to know what you're looking for. They don't actually care, they're just figuring out how to best play the part (some men may genuinely care, but they are quite uncommon).

" act like you've been treated well" 💛💐

hopeful_flounder93 · 2021-11-04T13:25:48+00:00

Or whine about you being eNtItLeD...

Or use your standards to pretend to be HV for a limited amount of time, to get what they want for what ultimately amounts to zero commitment, minimal effort, and no accountability.

Nonsense.

And don't tell anyone you're on FDS either, for your own safety.

KathyisQueen · 2021-11-04T16:08:03+00:00

I say my standards to my friends only, to normalize having standards. My friends with LVBFs always put it down and shame me but I also don’t care because I’m not looking for a relationship that mirrors theirs. And ngl ladies, when I tell those friends about the dates I go on and the guys I am meeting that I vetted are gentlemen, and funny, and treat me well they get super resentful of their icky boyfriends and are real quiet about my standards. I agree men can use our standards to manipulate us, but I want to normalize women having standards even if it means being mocked.

Angeli_33 · 2021-11-04T12:59:43+00:00

Agreed or people stuck with LVM will hate you for wanting someone the opposite of that.

fireforestfairy · 2021-11-04T17:05:44+00:00

If you mention your standards to a guy, he'll just pretend to be what you're looking for if he's LV.

DivineGoddess1111111 · 2021-11-04T13:20:46+00:00

Or LVM will fake having the standards you want so never give them a play book.

Bekinditsfree · 2021-11-04T19:32:52+00:00

Legit. What I just do is list some vague socially accepted qualities when people ask what I look for in a guy. “You know, I like guys that are funny, respectful, empathetic and loyal.”

Then I wait and see what those guys think those qualities look like. ESPECIALLY when they think I’m not looking.

Sewud · 2021-11-04T15:32:59+00:00

Some men will ask you questions about your interests and values just so they can hide the parts of themselves you wouldn't like. It's always better to keep your cards close to your chest and play dumb. I've been an open book too often and men use it to lie and manipulate. I think ideally you should say something that means nothing like tell them there's no "chemistry" and block them. Honestly for the longest time I thought blocking was rude and basically I thought men were entitled to my time if they wanted it.

Hikari3747 · 2021-11-04T21:54:40+00:00

I was once told I'm "entitled" for saying I only date guys with jobs, a car (we don't live in a city with public transport), a career, and an education of some kind.

like no my dude, I am looking for someone who can measure up to my resume.

Sunshine_Daisies2525 · 2021-11-04T14:42:28+00:00

Yo, even on here I was like “I don’t date men who don’t do their own laundry” and members came out of the woodwork to defend these scrotes. People always find a reason to be personally offended and make it about themselves.

Weeeeezh · 2021-11-04T17:14:06+00:00

Nah, for two reasons:

1) I am sercure in myself and don't care if weak willed people disagree with my perfectly reasonable standards. I want to normalize having standards as a woman.

2) I might have a good influence on other women. I can't count how often I have heard the phrase 'hmm, I've never thought of it like that'. While it is pretty sad how many women never thought about demanding the basic minimum, I like how I make some think about it and actually make them aware of problems they could easily avoid.

If you are surrounded by people that constantly abuse and neg you for your opinion and standards, that's of course a very valid reason to move in silence.

spiderunderweb · 2021-11-04T14:29:07+00:00

Exactly, I made that mistake thinking that it made me appear high value. No, I just gave the cheat codes on how to manipulate me. Not anymore

Ericaeatscarrots · 2021-11-04T13:23:12+00:00

THANK YOU. Always need this reminder. Silence is golden 🙏

arnezuara · 2021-11-04T15:16:40+00:00

Show, don’t tell.

If you talk about your standards, they will mirror them to convince you that they are worth the try.

HoldenCaulfield7 · 2021-11-04T18:48:20+00:00

I feel like the people in my life that truly know me and understand me support my standards whereas people like my mom - who is truly miserable herself and has never been happy in her love life - critiques me and tells me I’m being too high maintenance

saint-jezebel · 2021-11-04T14:19:28+00:00

This is very true. Always keep your standards to yourself. People will beat you up and put you down before you even have a chance to get your feet wet finding someone compatible.

FullTimeOrNoTime · 2021-11-04T14:59:05+00:00

Am I the only one who thinks it's weird to actually care what other people have to say about how you live your life? Queens, if they have something to say, it only affects you if you LET IT. What does the handbook say? A queen does not waste her time on inconsequential people and things. From another woman, some questions and genuine conversation about it is one thing, but don't suffer through snide comments and the like. At the very least, you should ignore them. If it continues, you should remove them from your life. From a man, well, that's all obvious. Don't give them a script to follow, and if they aren't for you, then they aren't for you.

ashesofgrey · 2021-11-04T14:46:24+00:00

As for women, I think deep inside they're resenting you for the fact that they couldn't do something like you and they're stuck with LVM which society convince them that it is good for them and they were living in this lie all through their life. So ofcourse they will oppose you for seeing the truth. Denial is the first stage of acceptance.

For men, it's simple. They know we're talking about them and they're afraid that if this gets mainstream no one will give them a chance lool

yoonbunny · 2021-11-05T05:50:57+00:00

Great advice. I learned this the hard way. Being vague is the safest however can come with some issues. LVM will always try to pry MORE information out of you to disguise themselves. When I was casually dating I’d start listing pretty normal standards that progressively got crazier, “I like a man who likes animals, plays guitar, has the hair color of mud, can speak Swahili, enjoys Tibetan throat singing” lol

LanaDelDesperate09 · 2021-11-04T13:10:31+00:00

I will never mention because I don’t want to give material away to be manipulated, in case they happen to be trash. And trust me, they’ll use everything they can, everything you tell them about yourself. I also don’t tell other people because I don’t want to hear “you need to be less high maintenance or you’re going to die alone” or some bullshit excuse from pickmes. I don’t care for that. And I also don’t want to hear it from men because they love to neg and also tell you how you’re never going to find anyone who meets your standards. I see way too many women making this mistake. They tell the guy everything they want and expect right away, then the dude fakes it for months. Then they blame the women when their mask drops because a woman shouldn’t expect that much, that you should “accept me for who I am” or some bullshit like that. Also too many women believe in this delusional idea of “change”. Change is just as delusional as believing in unicorns. Nobody is changing ever for anybody at anytime. Won’t happen. Specially not men, they are lazy and don’t want to change, so drop this idea. I’m never telling a man what I expect from him. I’m only observing, analyzing and taking notes then reviewing them. If the man is not the final product, he’s not getting a chance of “changing” aka faking it until I’m trapped in a marriage with him. Too many men fake it for a long time. That’s why we hear horror stories from people who found out who their partner was when they got married or when they had a baby etc. I don’t want to risk dealing with a narc or someone faking it until they make it. But I will say tho, most women don’t follow this advice. They just talk and talk and the men learns enough to manipulate them and pretend to be what they want.

pinkjanuary8 · 2021-11-04T13:39:01+00:00

Yep, I’d rather them just show their true colors and then assess at this point. A guy in line with my values shouldn’t need a blueprint for how to act, he’d just be that way anyway. Same with my friends.

haggis_rising · 2021-11-04T16:27:29+00:00

Agreed. Keep your standards to yourself, then if someone doesn't meet them you can simply walk away.

TikiTikiTata-chalala · 2021-11-04T13:58:52+00:00

Yes, the most that's worth mentioning to friends or even dates after a while is 'someone nice, is he a good person' because it's a non answer, without seeming like a non answer. It makes your point without giving out details on what makes a person good for you, match your values, or setting your expectations.

*I definitely thought Meghan Markle's answer when she explained how she and Harry met was a spot on way to respond to that question. I do have some thoughts about her and harry tho (I def fell for some of the smear campaign she was put through, but the more I looked into it the more it seems like Harry duped her into a lot so he could use her reaction/stress as an excuse to dip)

Title	Dont mention your standards
Author	NUTELLALOVER97
Upvotes	950
Comments	41
Date	November 4, 2021 12:46 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/qmjrrc/dont_mention_your_standards/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/dont-mention-your-standards.1085950 https://theredarchive.com/post/1085950

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