Gaslighters typically begins gradually, with a snide comment or critical remark disguised as a joke. They may then deny having said or done something, tell blatant lies and eventually wear down your sanity. The more aware you are of their techniques, the better you can protect yourself.

_RustInPiece_ · 2021-04-20T17:45:04+00:00

"I'm sorry you feel that way." 🤡

pretty_kill · 2021-04-20T19:12:10+00:00

I had a guy who “gaslit” me but as a joke. Like he knew we both knew what was really going on, but he would deny it strongly, and sit there and argue with me. Even though we both knew. He eventually tried gaslighting me over serious things later. So yeah, if anyone forces you to question reality (seriously or jokingly) get out 🚩🚩🚩

starlight_sequence · 2021-04-20T17:53:43+00:00

My ex and I had an inside joke, because sometimes I would bring up something he said or did and he would completely deadpan, straight face tell me it didn't happen, or he didn't know what I was talking about. I found it funny at the time because it was so obvious that it happened that I would just jokingly say "Stop gaslighting me!"

And now looking back, I see so many instances of gaslighting that I didn't pick up on at the time. The moments where we were "joking" were just the moments he didn't get away with it.

He wasn't joking. He was testing

beatlefreak_1981 · 2021-04-20T20:00:19+00:00

"Your emotions are your responsibility." Also apparently his emotions were MY responsibility too. 🤦‍♀️🙄

hopewings · 2021-04-20T17:20:25+00:00

More information here:

11 Warning Signs of Gaslighting

They tell blatant lies.
They deny they ever said something, even though you have proof.
They use what is near and dear to you as ammunition.
They wear you down over time.
Their actions do not match their words.
They throw in positive reinforcement to confuse you.
They know confusion weakens people.
They project.
They try to align people against you.
They tell you or others that you are crazy.
They tell you everyone else is a liar.

2021-04-20T21:45:06+00:00

Never tell a narc that they're gaslighting you. They'll turn around and accuse you of the same.

bamboohobobundles · 2021-04-20T21:40:33+00:00

My ex used to argue with me and pick apart literally everything I ever said; he'd ask for my opinion repeatedly and then do the exact opposite of what I suggested. When I told him I didn't want to give him my opinion on anything anymore because he never listened anyway, he'd whine about how as his PARTNER I was SUPPOSED to be supportive of him when he needed it and how could I be so rude to him when he was asking for my help... Then when I'd cave and try to help him, he'd do the opposite of what I said yet again. Over and over.

When I started trying to call him out on this stuff his response was that this was how he broke the ice, this was how he kept conversations going, he just plays devil's advocate because he wanted to create lively debates, and if I couldn't handle it I was obvious being childish and oversensitive.

apple_cores · 2021-04-20T21:35:55+00:00

I feel like it always starts with “I was just joking” men will say some shut to test your boundaries and then if you react “negatively”, slap the joke label on it. The fact that they think this is ok and negates what they said is crazy. Do not fall for the “joke” cop out. Imagine if we joked about performing sexual acts in bed and didn’t deliver, they would lose their minds.

That and “you’re overrthinking.” Nah, I’m not cus 2+2 is not adding up. They know what they’re doing.

BeckyStocks · 2021-04-20T21:52:59+00:00

Critical Thinking is SO IMPORTANT as a defense against gas lighting. Develope it. Hone it. Wear it as a shield.

RecordingImportant94 · 2021-04-20T20:45:19+00:00

I knew from early on with one of my exes that he lied to the people close to him and to his bosses at work, going to extreme lengths to corroborate his stories. I just believed we had a special connection, it was true love and he would never do that to me 🤡If I caught him out, which I did many many many times he would twist it so that I felt bad that he “had” to lie to me because of whatever bullshit emotionally manipulative excuse he could come up with. He’d lie about things it was totally unnecessary to lie to me about, as I was a typical “cool” super chilled girlfriend. It was all a power play and so blatant I could kick myself for staying after the first time. Thanks to that experience and FDS I will never fall for it again.

Watzoo · 2021-04-20T23:00:24+00:00

Yes!!!

I wish there were a way to get every woman to google the term “coercive control” and read up on it thoroughly. It’s almost entirely rooted in gaslighting and if you have that down, you start to pick up on it everywhere.

fdssavedmylife · 2021-04-20T22:23:01+00:00

I still have an all caps “you’re so insecure” text from a LVX imprinted on my brain. This helps a little bit, though. I know he was emotionally abusive, I know that, but gas lighters are so good at making you question objective reality. The book Psychopath Free tackles this subject in depth and has a really great checklist in the intro with all the signs. So creepy how they all follow the same playbook.

Struggleis4real · 2021-04-20T18:30:42+00:00

Can someone explain the “Your emotions are your responsibility” from a gaslighting perspective? Isn’t it though?

I’ve been taught that it’s healthy to acknowledge the emotions, but it is my own responsibility to deal with it (action vs reaction) and vice versa. However, I’ve met too many toxic people who expect me to “fix” their emotions by absorbing it too. What am I missing here?

wordy_fries · 2021-04-21T00:48:35+00:00

"It was a joke"

UGHHHHH. No it wasn't a joke. Jokes are supposedly to be funny, sir. Not abusive.

_narrowstraits_ · 2021-04-21T01:05:28+00:00

Hey OP (or anyone else) I have a legitimate question for you. As someone who is got diagnosed medical problems that lead to a goldfish memory, how do I avoid unintentionally gaslighting? Obviously I don’t go “sorry u feel that way bb”, but like often I deadass don’t remember certain events happening and it’s hard to bring that up without being a dick. I’d stay quiet, but at the same time, sometimes events don’t happen as the other person remembered them and my memory is correct. I can’t really do the ol avoid close relationships until this blows over because this is just a fact of my life. I don’t want to gaslight but events are hard for me to place in a linear fashion.

butteryrum · 2021-04-21T05:02:54+00:00

"I didn't anything because I knew you'd react that way" 🙃

bpdweep · 2021-04-21T08:09:28+00:00

“It’s not that deep” “You’re always talking about the past.”

Watzoo · 2021-04-21T14:05:01+00:00

A big rule that we always follow in my house after escaping a guy like this and now raising sons is:

We don’t debate our emotions. We don’t debate our internal impressions, thoughts or feelings. They are what they are. You are the only and final authority on your emotional and mental insides. Only the person feeling or thinking those things knows what they are. You can share them or not share them, but we don’t pretend that we can crawl inside each other’s skin and pitch a lawn chair in their brain or heart and view their life experiences from there.

We stick to actions and choices. You did this. You chose to say this. You chose not to do this or say this or show up here. These actions and choices are the things a relationship and a life with others are made of. They’re the things to change or own. They’re the things we can seek input from others about.

I will say that it freezes the abusive types out quickly. First, they can’t hang (because their actions are crap). Second, they can’t break us down (they aren’t allowed in our heads). Third, because they can’t attribute specific emotions or motivations to us, their accusations tend to feel / sound hyperbolic and hysterical, and fall flat. Which is what I want, given the amount of time boys pressure other boys with the labels “p!€ssy” or “f.@g” or their equivalent. So it’s helped keep my kids’ friends circle fairly high quality and emotionally healthy as well.

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yourscreennamesucks · 2021-04-21T15:22:36+00:00

This is my mother.

2021-04-23T15:59:25+00:00

I have been working through this Gaslighting Recovery Workbook

It's been AMAZING!!!!! it covers gaslighting in all areas: romantic, work, family... I've learned so much and have been able to start my healing process.

I've also enjoyed listening to Dr. Ramani on YouTube. She has so pretty great videos on narcissists and gaslighting. And finally, I follow Sarah Speaks Up on FB. She posts some pretty great inspirational messages about healing from this kind of emotional abuse.

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11 Warning Signs of Gaslighting