How long should I date him before moving on?

electroloop · 2020-09-23T14:43:42+00:00

Lol. Let it go.

He’s a 42 year old man who needs to shit or get off the pot. If after 7 months of dating he still doesn’t want to be exclusive with you, he never will.

Or there’s the other side of the coin where he’s pressured into becoming “exclusive” with you and then his resentment will grow. All of a sudden he’ll start to be “working late”, or “too tired.” Aka cheating on you with some 20 something he met off Bumble.

You’re a queen, sis. Move on.

randomgirl34861 · 2020-09-23T14:51:17+00:00

He’s been like this for 7 months?! Your relationship should have been defined months ago. I find that when people are scared of titles, it’s just showing the surface tip of large emotional issues that are below the surface. & Why is he talking about you being his “wife” when he’s too scared to call you his girlfriend? That sounds like a completely empty promise to me. I think that to have put up with no title for this long means you have empathized too much. That’s how LVM impact us when we fall for them: You put too much in, and then they make you feel like it’s not enough.

Alma00019 · 2020-09-23T14:45:25+00:00

Let it go. If he was 20 and "scared" of the title but still acting like a good boyfriend, then I would be more understanding. But the dude is 42 years old. If he still hasn't worked through this at his age, don't hold your breath he will any time soon. You're going to be a forever a girlfriend to a middle aged man who is "finding himself" and never will find himself.

He may be a good guy with good intentions, but the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

At this point it's not about whether he's trying or not; it's the fact that he's 42 years old and still hasn't figured basic stuff out. It's not your job to help a 42 year old man not feel "scared" of the "title" of "exclusive, committed relationship."

You can have all the empathy for a person who is genuine but is in pain, while realizing that person is NOT healthy psychologically and therefore is not the right romantic partner for you.

You'll actually be helping him in the long run by NOT putting up with his bullshit and by leaving him. Enabling bad habits and the path of least resistance is NOT helpful or empathetic. So please don't feel bad or guilty about leaving him. And please do leave him for YOUR good.

Fatt3stAveng3r · 2020-09-23T14:48:44+00:00

He is 42 years old // he's afraid of the title

Titles aren't scary. He just doesn't want you. Well - he wants you, but only temporarily. He doesn't want a relationship, period. He SHOULD have worked through his "shit", as you put it.

Don't accept an excuse this pathetic from a 42 year old man. This barely works for a 20 year old boy - and even then, should only work on a pickme.

Fatt3stAveng3r · 2020-09-23T15:01:08+00:00

I also want to point out two things that are red flags here.

Future faking - "He discusses the future as if I will be his wife". Pretty words, cheap and empty. Future faking and love bombing keep you interested and hopeful. Don't believe words. Believe action. What was his action?

Well...It was yours.

"I asked how he felt about dating exclusively."

So YOU were the one who started the Define The Relationship conversation. This is a no-no. The reason women do this is because the men aren't interested in them enough to do it. If he was truly invested in you, he would have done that months ago. His action was making you have to start the DTR talk. His action was silence, letting you hope, letting you believe he had intentions that he did not.

"Well it's not MY FAULT you got caught up! I never said we were exclusive! I never said I wanted a relationship. I'm so scarred, I could never be loved again, woe is me..."

He will say some variation on that theme whenever you dump him.

veruscka · 2020-09-23T14:58:46+00:00

I’m sorry girl but he played you. The fact you had to bring up exclusivity after 7 months is in itself a red flag! In the future, please vet harder and if he doesn’t bring up exclusivity after 3 or 4 months, just move on. You should also be dating multiple people before commitment is established. Reread the handbook and try to internalize it.

letsberealforamoment · 2020-09-23T14:43:24+00:00

I'm not seeing the grey area. Nor am i seeing that you read the handbook.

What I am seeing is future faking, a 42 year old scrote that is still mentally 20, and wanting an "out" so he can, in theory at least, fuck other women. Not over his ex. ANd then you, giving him all the gf/wife benefits without anything in return from him. This is a classic example of a man pretending to be an HVM in order to keep you around for sex. But when the chips are on the table he is all "muh, i be skerred because of muh ex".

There is no break to be had. He showed you what he is. And he is a piece of shit. Block and delete him. Don't waste anymore empathy on this trash.

eveninghope · 2020-09-23T14:47:57+00:00

You ALREADY know the answer to this. Asking why this 42 yo man doesn't have his shit together is not the right question. What is compelling *you* to put up with this shit?

Inspection-Critical · 2020-09-23T15:03:47+00:00

WHAT?? Is he for real??

He's 42-years old and says he's afraid of titles?? Is he 16?

After 7 months, he's undecided about you?

The emotional immaturity on display here is repulsive.

If he's truly "scarred" from his past, he needs to be in therapy, not dating. He's literally stealing your time that could be better spent on finding a man who's ready for you. He's super selfish.

You say he treats you like a future wife, but I'm sorry, you're projecting your hopes. You can't be a wife to a man who won't even call you his girlfriend.

Don't argue with him, just end it and move on. You shouldn't have to beg an adult for a relationship.

I'm appalled on your behalf, OP. Seriously, don't waste more time on this guy, and don't believe any last-minute promises to change. You'll just waste another year on a dead end.

deeharden · 2020-09-23T14:50:59+00:00

How long? No longer, sis.

That asshat has no plans of making it official. Seven months is way too long.

By what you've written, it sounds like you're already emotionally invested in this man. It's best you go to the Sidebar and read all of the resources there, to re-educate yourself on what men are truly like and their manipulative tactics.

There's one thing I've learnt about men: If he's in the middle to any given argument, whether that be a 'maybe' to a yes or no question, it means "No". So, if he's unsure about something, the answer is always no.

Men are simple creatures. If they want something, they'll pursue it 'til the end. They are deeply competitive by nature. As for his excuse about his ex. Load of cock and balls. He just wants to enjoy getting the benefits of a relationship, without true commitment. It has nothing to do with you, it's just that he's a future-faking asshat who's playing on that desire of yours, to officiate your relationship.

Therefore, that's enough of a message for you to break things off with him and go find yourself a HVM who will give you what this LVM never will.

jayda92 · 2020-09-23T15:19:55+00:00

I (26) had a scrote like this!! Dated the man child (34) for 8 months. To be honest, I was already on my FDS mindset and he was in my scrotation just for his boat and some nice companionship (I was ditching LVFriends so I felt lonely sometimes).

He would do everything, the whole enchilada; weekends away, gifts, sleepovers.. Except showing some balls and ask me to be his gf/fiancee (I'm so glad he didn't, now!). He thought we were dating exclusively but I promised myself to never ditch my scrotation for scraps; exclusively dating and asking someone to be a gf are two very different things in my country.

I flat out ghosted him when I grew tired enough of him. He was sending some pissed messages when I ghosted, and I did feel guilty about not returning his keys.... But I blocked his ass... 😂 Tossed his keys in the canal. Why the hell would I waste ANY time on such a guy! He can go to hell by (his) boat.

He had to grow a backbone. And I ain't a doctor.

rosepinks · 2020-09-23T16:07:53+00:00

If he’s 42 and still afraid of commitment he will never change ... not until he’s old and suddenly wants a woman to take care of him 🤡

2020-09-23T15:23:06+00:00

I dated a 39 year old who used every excuse in the book on why he wouldn’t call me his girlfriend (I’m not there yet, the term is childish and I’m a grown up, I’m not gonna do it to show off to your friends, etc). He finally caved when he was trying to get out of trouble after he screwed up big. But continued to call me his friend (I accidentally saw a text message where he was clearly referring to me) or simply just introduced me by my name (but I’d get SO excited if he lightly touched my lower back while doing it). What should have clued me in was he didn’t like significant other or partner.

From my experience you either want the labels or don’t. Don’t give him the benefit of the doubt. It’s exhausting to be with someone who doesn’t know what they want.

Ms_Tilly · 2020-09-23T16:29:45+00:00

Gross. Get rid of him! And if he tries to backtrack and change his mind, don't let him. He doesn't mean it. Let him go.

Could be he's hoping his ex will eventually take him back.

NoThisIs-Patrick · 2020-09-23T17:06:15+00:00

Everyone else has already said good things, especially about the future-faking. Don't get caught up in that! You're wife or you're not wife - anything else in that regard really doesn't matter. I had a boyfriend who literally called me his wife. When I pressed him for timelines on really getting married, he suddenly wasn't so sure. We were together three years.

This:

While he stated that he's not dating anyone else, he expressed that he's afraid of the title (he is still scarred from his last relationship)

Why do you even think this is acceptable? I say this nicely as I have been there, too. But why is this acceptable? If he hasn't healed from his last relationship he shouldn't be screwing you around. His issue with his ex is not your problem. He needs to put his big-boy pants on.

Why should you accept less from a man just because of another woman? Nope. Don't do it.

Also, if titles are important to you they are important to you. You don't need to justify or beg or argue or discuss it. It just is. If he can't accept that then you two are not compatible and he can fuck off.

FDSxMuffinVSrat · 2020-09-23T16:49:14+00:00

7 months is too long. I'd say 1-3 months depending on the situation.

2020-09-23T17:53:46+00:00

Did you sleep with this man because... I swear... 🤦‍♂️

If you have to ask, move on.

Summerisle7 · 2020-09-23T18:51:50+00:00

Dump this 42yo baby.

And for future reference - HE should be the one asking YOU to be exclusive. If he hasn't asked...you already have your answer.

vmuzondi · 2020-09-23T17:20:00+00:00

Absolutely. At 42 he should know what he wants. He’s definitely wasting time with you and holding out for something better. Leave him where he is.

Hahane · 2020-09-23T17:30:20+00:00

How old are you? This also could be a red flag. Dump him. Asap.

2020-09-23T17:46:46+00:00

Whoa, 7 months. AND he's 42? Yikes and double yikes.

MACMUA · 2020-09-23T20:40:27+00:00

I’m 40yo. In your 40s.. you KNOW what you want. He’s using you as a a placeholder.

Shit of get off the pot

the-cool-hedgehog · 2020-09-23T20:44:07+00:00

Been with a guy who didn't want to label the relationship. I asked that we did, he caved in. The relationship broke my heart. Don't do this to yourself. The rules and timeline in the handbook are not there by accident, it is not made-up arbitrary numbers, but is pooled data and experience from many women who have done the field work for you. Deep down you know the answer, that's why you posted here. Protect yourself and move on.

EclecticBarbarella · 2020-09-23T17:16:37+00:00

I have commitment and trust issues out the wazoo and when I was dating someone I was seriously interested in, there was no denying it and I made myself face the feelings and work through them to at least give the relationship a chance. If he can’t do some semblance of that (at 42) then stop wasting time.

Rough-Tree · 2020-09-23T23:17:59+00:00

If he loves you, you will know. If he doesn't, you'll be ~~confused~~ in the grey area.

2020-09-23T20:31:32+00:00

I would tell him that after your conversation you decided he is right about not being in a relationship yet and that you have decided to see other men. I would not commit to this man even if he begs you. I would wait another 6 months before even considering committing. You could move on now or you can just date him. Put him on the back burner though. Like cut the amount of times you see him down to 2 times a month and cut sex down too. Mentally completely move on. The dynamic of this relationship isn’t good. You need to completely gain the power. If you had the power you never would have had to ask him to begin with. He needs a reality check. He needs to value you more. Throw him on the back burner and leave him there to get burnt.

Boddicca · 2020-09-23T23:35:41+00:00

If a guy can’t put a label on it after 2 months (3 max) I walk. Life is short and we’re all adults here.

Rediecoration · 2020-09-24T13:17:10+00:00

Block him, there are other men who arent such confused musty losers as this one

2020-09-23T17:06:20+00:00

Should I let it go and find a guy who knows what he wants?

Yes

balladwilds · 2020-09-24T08:18:42+00:00

how old are you sis ?

Title	How long should I date him before moving on?
Author	deeharden
Upvotes	67
Comments	56
Date	September 23, 2020 2:27 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/iyb51g/how_long_should_i_date_him_before_moving_on/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/how-long-should-i-date-him-before-moving-on.273574 https://theredarchive.com/post/273574

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