How would you react if your boyfriend wouldn't go down on you unless you shaved? Would you break up with him? Or would you consider shaving a small courtesy you're willing to grant?

postmodernistweasel · 2020-05-22T21:34:23+00:00

Of course, shaving is fine if it's something you are happy with. Personally I would never shave for a man again. For me it is an unwanted reminder of my pickmeisha past. I used to always be shaved, but I was only doing it because a lot of guys had expressed that preference and I didn't have the confidence to be true to myself. I don't believe the excuse of hair tickling their noses or whatever. Far more to do with porn and normalisation of prepubescent fantasies. Grown women have hair. It's actually more hygenic and healthy. I find it more comfortable and it gives me more sexual pleasure. Pubes help the flow of natural lubrication and adds to sensation for us both. I prefer it. But I obsessivly removed it for men, and the asshats cheated on me anyway. Men who complained about my weight, when they were fatter, and wanted me to dress up sexy for a date on their couch. Men who made me feel inadequate no matter how hard I tried to be what they wanted. Never again. I'm only interested in men who adore my sprawling pubes. If they so much as drop a hint, we're done.

cirrus_cloud · 2020-05-22T22:40:16+00:00

OP! I would be very cautious about committing to having sex with him so soon. I assume you’ve been doing long distance this whole quarantine, so how well do you actually know this guy? I rly don’t think three months of texting and video chats is enough to really get to know someone’s character.

I would hold off for a while longer until you have a substantial number of IN PERSON dates under your belt.

feminist-hermione · 2020-05-22T22:40:08+00:00

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eyeahyabasic · 2020-05-22T18:53:15+00:00

“I don’t think I’m willing to shave the whole area.” That’s your answer. When/if this comes up just tell him that.

VikingPug · 2020-05-22T23:29:12+00:00

I have never, in my over 24 years of dating had a guy advise me of any preference he had for my pubic hair. As long as I’m clean I’m not doing anything else for any man. He should be so lucky to eat my pussy.

-Edit- what a bunch of Pickmeishas in here. A man doesn’t get to have a preference when it comes to your most intimate body parts. Expressing that preference before you’ve even been really dating is just inappropriate besides. I’m grossed out.

EclecticBarbarella · 2020-05-22T19:01:38+00:00

It’s fine for him to have a preference but if that preference doesn’t line up with your sexual needs then it’s probably not going to work long term. I do what I do down there because I like it that way, any guy who doesn’t like it has no obligation to go down there, just like I don’t.

On a side note, I find it really disturbing when men are only attracted to completely shaved genitals, it reeks of pedophilia or porn sickness. I tried shaving when I was younger to see what it was like and if I wanted to do it, I felt like I was 12 again (down there), it wasn’t a confident feeling for me. I get not wanting a mouthful of hair (samesies) but if it’s closely trimmed, it’s not like we shed like cats. Only being attracted to completely bare skin down there is either too much porn or he wants to pretend you’re prepubescent.

naturalbornvirgo · 2020-05-23T00:44:50+00:00

Not shaving anything is a great way to weed out LVM imo.

eru378 · 2020-05-23T01:01:37+00:00

I honestly think it's a red flag for a man to have strong opinions on pubic hair styles at all. It smacks of an almost fetishistic interest. I think it's reasonable for both sexes to want things to be trimmed and neat for easy access, but if someone cares beyond that it's not great. I dislike all these strong and highly specific sexual preferences that are formed and carried around external to any actual connection to another human being and then imposed on a partner. As one of the top FDS posts says, this ain't Build-a-Bitch.

radical__daphne · 2020-05-22T21:17:06+00:00

Dump

--wellDAM-- · 2020-05-22T21:06:31+00:00

Who is licking the mons and outer labia anyway??

Don’t you open the wrapper to eat the candy?

Meccha_me_2 · 2020-05-22T19:33:21+00:00

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gursky0 · 2020-05-23T05:51:27+00:00

He hasn't even seen you naked yet and he's telling you his body hair preferences? Sounds like entitlement to me.

_ladybusiness · 2020-05-22T20:08:38+00:00

I have guidelines I like to follow for things like this:

1. Is he willing to do the same for me?

If he prefers it when you do [x thing], then you have the right to voice your own preferences and expect reciprocity in similar areas. If he doesn’t want to be held to a certain standard, then he’s a hypocrite for insisting others meet his. It’s safe to assume a guy like that won’t care about your feelings in every other aspect of your relationship.

2. Would I be genuinely ok with doing it as long as there’s not a double standard, or do I really hate the idea no matter what?

Sometimes couples don’t always want the same thing, that’s why compromise is important. But if you really don’t want to do something, not even a compromise or meet him halfway sort of agreement, then you have the right to say fuck that shit, guilt-free. Either he respects that or you find someone better.

3. Is this a request or a demand?

Consent is only valid if the option to say no exists without any backlash or consequences. He can ask with tact and respect, but if the answer is no then that’s the end of the discussion and he has to let it go and not make his disappointment your problem. No whining, no passive aggressiveness, no coercion or ultimatums or manipulation. And certainly no force.

4. Would it be inherently harmful or generally not beneficial for either one of us?

You need to do a cost-benefit analysis for every choice that’s in front of you. Even if a man asked for something that wouldn’t necessarily directly harm me but might not be a great idea for him, or he wanted to try something new and I wasn’t necessarily 100% against the idea... if I felt like it could be unsafe or ethically dubious on some level for either of us it’s still gonna be a hard NO. If you love someone you shouldn’t be afraid to question their less rational ideas.

Verysoftbun · 2020-05-22T19:18:33+00:00

Do what you're comfortable with and tell him.

I can't have without it turning into a swollen itchy disaster but I'd be ok with trimming.

You have to gage if it's something he's being a little controlling dick about or if he's willing to compromise. If he argues with you after you tell him your preference it's about control.

Averyhvw · 2020-05-22T23:19:55+00:00

Why not continue dating him when quarantine is over? Have him plan some dates for you, it doesn’t seem like you could’ve been on many of them if it’s only been three months including lockdown.

It just sounds like he needs to be vetted more. How’s his porn use?

As an outsider, it doesn’t seem like he’s earned the next step of sex, not sure why you’ve committed to it already. If you’re at fds, I’m assuming you want a true relationship and not just a hook up.

This would bother me too, I hope you can find out if he’s worthy of you before you continue.

VikingPug · 2020-05-23T01:04:02+00:00

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🙅‍♀️🙅‍♀️🙅‍♀️🙅‍♀️🙅‍♀️🙅‍♀️

rinabean · 2020-05-23T10:41:11+00:00

I can't believe he's twice told you about what kind of women he likes to have sex with.

He can go and have them then, can't he. Or, he can't, and that's why he's trying to control you instead.

TWICE!!! Twice. "I know I'm a misogynist or at least very selfish for having this double standard, but anyway, let me tell you about other women I want to have sex with. Also, this is how you should make your body look for me. Yeah I know you haven't even let me see it yet but you're obviously going to, and I want you to know I already have problems with how I imagine it to look."

and you let him say it again? And you're doubting yourself... saying you shouldn't get so worked up... noooo!

VikingPug · 2020-05-22T18:51:09+00:00

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2020-05-22T20:02:27+00:00

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GlitterBrainn · 2020-05-22T20:15:32+00:00

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Rdrses · 2020-05-23T00:09:06+00:00

I mean you can't just to shave all the time forever. If it's a deal-breaker for him, it's a deal-breaker for you

ponchoacademy · 2020-05-22T19:48:28+00:00

I shave before Im intimate with someone..its just what Im comfortable with. Id even use not shaving as insurance when I first start dating a guy to make sure no amount of temptation will get me to sleep with him too soon because I was so worried it would be a turn off.

Then it happened where I was with a guy and in the heat of the moment told him I really wish Id shaved, but I didnt so nothing can happen. He was like, you're a woman, its natural you have hair, why would that bother me?

So that got me to thinking, and Ive been with guys for the first time unshaved, zero negative reaction. Ive been with guys who are used to me shaved then decided to stop, zero negative reaction...all activities proceeded as usual.

And I realized..the only, and I do mean only reason why I have such a hangup about it is cause when I was younger, I dated a guy who made a huge deal out of being as smooth as possible, once even telling me I had a porn star p****. Crass yes, but I was young and stupid and took that not only a compliment, but just what guys would expect and that if I didnt shave it was lazy / effortless on my part.

Trimming and keeping the edges neat as you described is totally fine and would be totally fine with and not at all an issue for any reasonable sexually healthy guy. If he says hes not okay with you shaving, Id say then we're not compatible then and call it a day. Cause little things like that grow into bigger "requests" (demands) over what you should change about yourself over time if you give him the idea that you are willing to make compromises on what makes you comfortable.

2020-05-23T00:45:13+00:00

I probably wouldn't keep dating him if he was that insistent... if he knows you don't shave already, what would he expect? Another reason being, my skin is very problematic in regards to shaving and I can't afford laser hair removal or constant trips to a decent salon to get waxed. If he was so wonderful that I wanted to groom myself to meet his expectations, he better be rich enough to help pay for those hair removal treatments! Even then, if this is a deal-breaker and you remove the hair, what will be the next thing he insists that you do?

If he's willing to try oral without having his wish fulfilled, I guess the next thing to keep an eye out for would be his reaction and how he communicates with you. If he grimaces and groans like a baby and makes a big show out of pulling pubes out from between his teeth--- next him. He might find out it's not a big deal after all, or might discover that he appreciates the lack of razor stubble.

Cobmobster21 · 2020-05-23T08:41:01+00:00

Nah I don’t shave my private area for any guy. The ingrown hairs and itchiness aren’t worth it. I have really sensitive skin so I just trim it.

AppropriateHoney6 · 2020-05-23T15:38:15+00:00

TBH doesn’t really sound like enjoys oral 😂

m00n5t0n3 · 2020-05-23T18:59:24+00:00

I had an ex who said that. Even though I trimmed very low, it was just stubble or prickly or something and he still couldn't deal with it. He wanted me to do a full wax. I left him. (we were together for years!!)

Mollzor · 2020-05-23T20:32:55+00:00

I would instantly lose any attraction I had for him, and that would be the end of that relationship.

ominousmuffin · 2020-05-24T17:47:54+00:00

he wouldn’t get oral again until he shaved then too 🤷🏾‍♀️ I wouldn’t ask for head but he wouldn’t receive lol

gcthrowaway2019 · 2020-05-23T00:24:17+00:00

Ok kinda torn on this bc I'd rather go down on a trimmed dude bc the hair gets in the way if it's too long and I'm not a fan of the whole taco meat thing. I keep myself trimmed anyway bc it's really hot where I live and if the hair is too long it snags on clothes.

I think it depends on exactly why he wants you to shave. If he says he wants better access, I'd say it gets a pass bc you can just trim it and be fine. If he's belligerent about it and says he wants you to shave bc you'll look younger or porny, run

spicybookmaster · 2020-05-23T01:43:25+00:00

I think communicating what you each like/prefer is fine. That’s healthy. But if he pushes the issue, after you have set your boundary (preferring not to shave completely) then I’d rethink things. He should want to please you (and get pleasure from) when you’re comfortable and happy. And it goes both ways. If you prefer him shaved, he should be willing to compromise, no ifs ands or buts.

Side note: I get Brazilians but usually leave a small amount around my gem. I got one just yesterday and she took everything off and I’m not a big fan :( I feel like I look like a giant child.

Brisket_Queen · 2020-05-23T11:47:22+00:00

You sound like you value personal grooming, which is the important part. It's completely up to you if you want to shave the whole area. Personally, I am effing sick of razor bumps and itchiness as a full shave grows back in. See how he acts, he will reveal himself to you.

lickyblickyuhh · 2020-05-23T01:47:06+00:00

I shave completely because I’ve been doing it for years and that’s how I feel most comfortable. You have no obligation to do anything you don’t want ESPECIALLY if he wouldn’t do the same for you

throwawayitst · 2020-05-23T04:51:23+00:00

In my opinion, never do the, do onto you as you would others. Just ask for what you want and need, you dont have to do them back and same for the other party. If you’re comfortable with it then do it it. Dont be malleable.

Shave if you dont mind it. If u do, try a trim and shave the bikini region!

fuckCharDMacDennis2 · 2020-05-23T02:08:43+00:00

Say that you'll shave if he does, that's it. You said that it's a feminism thing, but if you both compromise and do it there shouldn't be a problem

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