I just thought this was really sweet and refreshing.

engg_girl · 2021-01-09T08:08:10+00:00

I actually had a guy read up so much on my field he asked an odd but relevant question on our 3rd date I had to reason out on the fly.

6 months later I was asked the same question at the thesis defense.

Noogirl · 2021-01-09T13:33:41+00:00

After my first date with my husband (a day out to a nearby town I liked) where I’d mentioned how much I loved reading and he asked me about favourite authors and what I was reading. He dropped me back at my parents house and then two hours later (when I’d take off all my make up and was in my PJ’s damn him) he rings the bell and hands me a package with a book by Stephen Fry which I’d said I really wanted to read. He was really embarrassed about it and mumbled “I think you left this in my car”. It was adorable and thoughtful, and I found out later he’d bought two copies so he could read it at the same time and talk to me about it in case we had a second date. When friends have asked how they can make their partner more thoughtful that way and what I did to make him treat me that way I always inwardly roll my eyes. Why do we take all the responsibility for how they treat us? I know, centuries of conditioning that everything is our fault.

Altowhovian93 · 2021-01-09T08:53:37+00:00

This is one instance that meant a lot to her. The concept is the man paying attention to her field, and reading up about it so they can talk about it.

Paying attention to the little things and educating himself on her interests is a HV trait.

myeggsarebig · 2021-01-09T15:05:15+00:00

My ex husband (super guy, we were very young) surprised me on our honeymoon by buying me new hiking boots. When he opened the trunk, there were 4 pairs in the trunk: “I wanted to be sure they fit!”

Green flag 😊

daglowup · 2021-01-09T10:50:06+00:00

Not gon lie I thought it was going to go differently based on the first few words...like she’d find porn or something else depraved. Pleasantly surprised.

loleetahaze · 2021-01-09T15:03:19+00:00

The guy I am seeing, when I was defending my thesis, read up all on the topic I was researching, took a day off work to come watch me defend my thesis and he asked such a thought-provoking question that after I answered it, the professors and my mentor said there is no need for them to ask me any further questions. He also helped me study and revise for my med school entrance exams despite the fact he's never studied that field and despite the fact that he is working almost every day.

Poggersisms · 2021-01-09T13:11:32+00:00

Honestly, ladies, this is actual gentleman behaviour and this is what we should swoon over, if you want to swoon.

Not “walking dates” or thoughtless generic gifts. Not chain restaurants 💀 This should be our goal and standard.

mynameisrominka · 2021-01-09T08:22:27+00:00

I was thinking corporate spy 😂😂😂

Aggressive_Birthday4 · 2021-01-09T12:16:32+00:00

This is super cute and honestly warms my heart.

And they say romance is dead. Don’t let men tell you that there are no HVM out there! They just want you to believe it so you settle for their version of love - which is just them jackhammering and objectifying you.

rideoffalone · 2021-01-09T10:34:31+00:00

Aw, Lin Manuel-Miranda has the sweetest boyfriend! (jk)

somegenerichandle · 2021-01-09T17:30:06+00:00

I had an ex-girlfriend who read some of my published stuff and she was so sweet and supportive and would actually go to my lectures in town. I've never dated a guy like this, but i suppose they do exist. The men i've dated have poorly tried to explain for me when their friends asked, and clearly only paid attention to the first 60 seconds of my explanation.

Emergency-Feed8216 · 2021-01-09T17:56:30+00:00

Maybe sweet, maybe stalkerish.

Everyone probably knows not all predators are openly misogynist knuckle-draggers. But after decades of research and personal and advocacy experience, even I'm still surprised how much abusers dissemble, even hiding their own MO from themselves.

According to criminologist Donald Dutton who studied thousands of convicted domestic batterers in prison settings, some serial batterers have a particular alacrity for learning topics of interest to their potential victims.

As a former advocate for dv survivors, I've seen this type. I've seen it personally too. A potential abuser may seem knowledgeable about feminism, women's rights history, women's sexual health, etc. They may express genuine-seeming admiration for icons of women's independence. They may even believe they mean it.

According to dv researcher Lenore Walker, battered women statistically show higher than average pre-abuse self esteem, suggesting that a significant number of serial abusers are drawn to confident, accomplished women (big game) more than the traditional victim stereotype of meek and insecure women. It would follow that these predators learn to evince personality traits that draw in and lower the defenses of their preferred prey-- things that intelligent, independant women find reassuring and admirable.

Basically violent control freaks can sometimes "biomimic" decent, safe men. That doesn't mean the real deals don't exist but it's a bit like Rolex watches-- more fakes on the street than real.

I say this after recently getting the depressing news that the ex bf who supported me through the criminal conviction against a stalking coworker a long time ago was himself convicted of domestic violence against the woman he married after dating me.

To be honest the guy was a little quiet and heavy for me. I like talkers with a sense of humor and sensed this wasn't going to be a long term thing. We parted amicably and married other people around the same time, but I always reserved fond feelings for him because of the important role he played when I was in danger and socially under fire for cooperating with the prosecution. I was vocally on the feminist bandwagon and this guy never made the wrong noises in response.

His mother and sister were feminists and he checked all the boxes. Double degrees from MIT, VP title by 26, handsome AF, spoke 6 languages, never once put down his ex, naturally excellent manners. His younger sister graduated from law school with top honors.

He didn't even overdo the feminist ally rap. He would pick me up from work every day during the criminal proceedings and kept the perp's victim-blaming flying monkeys (also my coworkers) at bay with a casual death stare. He even took witness statements in Spanish to aid the prosecution of the stalker. Anything I needed, he was there.

The only real red flag was that his mother had left his domineering, abusive, master-of-industry father when he was very young, but apparently not young enough to avoid contracting "batterer syndrome." I suspect he didn't even know what he was at the time I dated him and may have loathed what he became but the dye was cast.

Sometimes you don't even get the bad childhood red flag. Another thing Dutton warns about is the number of convicted batterers who lie about their childhoods, omitting the fact they grew up witnessing dv or enduring abuse. So there's really no replacement for time and vetting.

oscine23 · 2021-01-09T17:18:30+00:00

Isn't this a homosexual couple?

We need to not be set up to think that men will show us this kind of genuine interest - most do not.

luvmyvulvaxoxo · 2021-01-09T07:54:13+00:00

Why is a woman with academic research dating some man who can't match her intellect? "has no idea what he was reading".... Common. Really?

I think it's good to date people of different backgrounds than what yours is. But her post sounds like she got suckered in by a NVM pretending to be HV. She felt the need to brag about this... It seems like fronting.

Title	I just thought this was really sweet and refreshing.
Author	oscine23
Upvotes	4746
Comments	65
Date	January 9, 2021 7:28 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/ktmg92/i_just_thought_this_was_really_sweet_and/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/i-just-thought-this-was-really-sweet-and.729519 https://theredarchive.com/post/729519

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