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Ladies can I have some input please? Why do you think we go for NVM/LVM? Utter useless scrotes , narcissists, cheap, porn sick, cheaters, ghosters? What do I need to work on for myself until I can get therapy?

throwawayyyyyynowww

September 20, 2020

472 upvotes

/r/FemaleDatingStrategy

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Post Information

Title	Ladies can I have some input please? Why do you think we go for NVM/LVM? Utter useless scrotes , narcissists, cheap, porn sick, cheaters, ghosters? What do I need to work on for myself until I can get therapy?
Author	throwawayyyyyynowww
Upvotes	472
Comments	73
Date	September 20, 2020 3:42 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/iwg4kj/ladies_can_i_have_some_input_please_why_do_you/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/ladies-can-i-have-some-input-please-why-do-you.267096 https://theredarchive.com/post/267096

Comments

[–]PsychologicalBeat2FDS Newbie105 points106 points107 points 5 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link

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[–][deleted] 25 points26 points27 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

Hmm, well personally I'm attracted to handsome, social, playful guys who have a sense of adventure and are risk-takers. I don't think I'm alone in that since evolutionarily, it seems to make a lot of sense to look for a mate who is like that.

Unfortunately, a lot of those guys aren't relationship-material. They've been blessed with female attention and success all their lives, so they've become lazy about making effort and entitled to female attention. There was probably a time in their lives when they were sweet for a high school girlfriend, but once college comes around and they're being constantly chased and fawned over, that just doesn't need to happen anymore. That creates a LVM.

As for LVM who are couch potatoes with nothing going on - yeah, I've never been attracted to them, so I can't speak to that. They're invisible to me.

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[–]shoesfromparis135Pickmeisha™️5 points6 points7 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

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I personally don't believe the myth too much that it's about choosing wrong. Often times, a man only shows certain addictions or problems down the line which are hard to pinpoint and then and since a lot of today's men are porn addicts, most of them are superb manipulators and liars and are able to compartmentalize their personality quite well. It's akin to conmen and most women, even though they are able to use intuition, aren't always in the position of financial freedom and have other social pressures that drive them into relationships. Sometimes it's easy to see red flags, sometimes it isn't. Some women have lower social and emotional skills (think e.g. women on the autism spectrum) and then also think about how most women are in one way or another sexually or otherwise traumatized and have been conditioned to have to ignore danger in order to survive.

It's a super complicated topic.

[–]MelatoninNightmaresFDS Apprentice10 points11 points12 points 5 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link

It's different for everybody, and it can be lots of things simultaneously, but I know one part of it for me is that I didn't really have any models of a healthy relationship, at least not the kind I wanted.

My dad is low-value and completely mentally checked out of his marriage and his life in general. He's a passive participant in his own life. He's also a massive asshole to my mother - who is, in his defense, also a completely reprehensible person and I honestly don't know what they see in each other. (I've spent a lot of time trying to figure it out. I think my mom was the first woman who walked past after my dad decided he was ready to get married and have a family, and my mom's a pick-me so she wasn't gonna pass that up.)

My maternal grandparents seem to have a pretty healthy, happy relationship, and my grandfather is probably a HVM... but it's not the kind of relationship I ever wanted. They have a traditional relationship - he's the breadwinner and makes all the important decisions, she's a pampered housewife who raises children and keeps a beautiful home. (That said, when I did find and marry a HVM, I was surprised by how like my grandfather he is. They get along really well.)

Pretty much every other adult male I was ever exposed to was low value, and every marriage I ever saw up close was a LVM/Pickmeisha pairing in some way or another. I didn't really know relationships could be any other way.

Combine that with the social messaging about being "high maintenance" or "a gold digger" or how these "hypocritical modern feminists" want equality but won't go dutch/split the bills/ask guys out, and "sex positivity" telling me that the way to be a cool, empowered woman is to accept casual sex and porn and kink... it's easy to see why I tolerated that shit before I realized who the fuck I was and what I deserve in life.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points6 points 5 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

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[–]AppropriateHoney6FDS Apprentice10 points11 points12 points 5 years ago* (0 children) | Copy Link

When I was working through my issues with choosing LVM/NVM, I realized that I had a ‘mother complex’. I was a strong and independent women who could ‘fix’ any man who came along. I also was attracted to many qualities of LVM because secretly I wanted to be like them. I wanted to NOT have to make any major decisions, I wanted someone to take care of me, I wanted to cruise through life without taking responsibility of my actions. I realized that my major issue was that I needed to stop being really stressed out and doing things in life that I didn’t want to. I needed to stop trying to be perfect and like I didnt need anyone or anything. I also needed to stop doing things that were good for others and not good for me. When I started loosening up on my controlling tendencies, I stopped going for men who required me to put in effort. If the man wasn’t initiating, I wouldn’t have a relationship with him because I wasn’t willing to chase

[–]Danaus_genutiaFDS Newbie8 points9 points10 points 5 years ago* (2 children) | Copy Link

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[–]greenshadownymphFDS Newbie8 points9 points10 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]lookitsbrookeFDS Newbie9 points10 points11 points 5 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

Work on recognizing cultural misogyny.
Understand what led you to be in the situation you’re in, if you’re unhappy with it.
Consider your upbringing and attachment style.

I had low self-esteem once I got to be 11 and puberty hit. I soaked up all the negative messages from peers, the media, men, you name it. I’m 34, and only in the last year have I been able to recognize my worth. I’m worthy because I’m a human being!

Between 11-34, I thought being “nice” would get me whatever it was that I needed to feel better about myself. Be a nice girl, and: he’ll date me/I’ll get the promotion/I’ll be enough/whatever. Being “nice” also manifested in attracting assholes! I think part of it was wanting to be like them in someway: outgoing, not giving a shit, saying what they wanted. All of them were smart but losers! That meant I could see their potential, and shit if I wasn’t Barb the Builder.

Focusing on building up someone else meant I could focus on what wasn’t working for them, instead of shining that light on myself. I didn’t have to deal with my low self esteem. Now I’m working on my self worth. I’m also grateful for all the experiences that led me to this point. I’ve got a sweet house, some great friends, and I’m clear about my standards for any man I may choose to date in the future.

[–]azureangel35FDS Apprentice2 points3 points4 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

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[–]012596At-Risk Pick Me Youth4 points5 points6 points 5 years ago* (1 child) | Copy Link

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[–]vitryolicFDS Apprentice2 points3 points4 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

The Whys + Low self esteem, years of experiencing media equating my self worth to my looks by conventional beauty standards + Pushback from others when you are not submissive, making you feel wrong for being assertive or following your intuition + Damaging/bad/unhelpful advice from others who have lower standards for themselves + Complex trauma through mental and physical abuse, internalised through a young age + Poor treatment by multiple partners, distorting my view of healthy relationships + Lack of role models/examples of HVM in my life

The Hows + Recognising and counteracting my self sabotaging behaviour + Reading books/resources about self help, mental health, self esteem, being single + Female empowerment focused meet-ups, events, articles, media, influencers + Less time on social media, tidying up my feeds to remove negative influences, removing apps to free up useful time + No longer looking to OLD for validation, maintaining quality over quantity, rejecting anything that doesn’t meet my standards + Lots more “me” time doing whatever I want to do, picking what makes me happy in the moment rather than what I feel obligated to do

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[–]bear_sees_the_carFDS Newbie0 points1 point2 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

Imo, the relationships you observed as a kid and your mother's behavior towards her man/men. You pick it up and use as a default. Only once you realise your patterns and how bad your parents are as adults, you can see it for what it is.

Sure, how your father behaved towards women mattered too, but the issue is: female role model. Did you have a good one?

And after that surely comes your lack of spine and self-esteem, to be able to accept a subpar male specimen, simply to get experience you feel you lack in order to be an adult. Or because you do not think you csn do better, than that guy and the amount of respect he provides. You choose the way people treat you and those men are what you think you deserve. He is not bad, after all(but not bad isnt a "fuck yes!", its a no).

Concentrating on becoming a person you always wanted to be is the cure. Getting that degree, learning that make up, toning up your butt etc. Once you feel confident in who you are, enough to walk to a shop without make up and in shitty clothes, and confident to a point you aren't scared of strangers, losing friends when speaking your mind, being fired due to respecting your boundaries, this is when you are respecting yourself enough to dismiss any idea of nvm/lvm in your life. This is when you have a healthy relationship with your self, and this one stays forever with you. So start with that relationship, maybe, otherwise it will sabotage all the others.

Stop accepting stuff you would never let your best friend tolerate. The picture is clearer, when you see it from a side: would you feed your friend all this unhealthy stuff just to cure sadness temporary? No, you'd help them with getting a healthy lifestyle and a therapy. As example.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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