Pay extra attention to how he talks about his ex! [from Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft]

sewingmachinesavior · 2021-04-22T18:47:55+00:00

I wish I had known point 3, when I was younger. It would have saved me from emotional and financial ruin.

I’ve leveled up A LOT, but the negative effect of that decision has effected my entire life. Don’t do it ladies!

eatnthrowtrashaway · 2021-04-22T19:33:20+00:00

I never thought about the physical abuse claims but the only man who physically abused me (dislodged my wrist while trying to restrain me) claimed to have been physically abused himself by various exes at the start of our relationship.

Probably because they knocked him over the head in attempts to get freed like I did. I will be passing this on to my gfs I feel like none of this is ever taught anywhere and it could potentially save lives.

SaturnGirl1989 · 2021-04-22T19:53:57+00:00

On a side note, don't date someone still angry or bitter about their ex even if its justified. People need to heal themselves before bringing someone else into the picture

chickenlesnugget · 2021-04-22T19:29:26+00:00

Just because he was genuinely the victim in his previous relationship, doesn't mean his perception hasn't been damaged by it. My mom married a man who had been with an abusive narcissist for years, was really cautious and verified his story from other people, but he is still a self admitted misogynist who doesn't believe women are capable of love the same way men are. While I know this is because of the abuse (at least in part...) he uses misogyny to justify not doing the chores, and my mom is just happy because she's his rare unicorn who's not like other girls.

AnniaT · 2021-04-22T19:51:28+00:00

A man who hates his exes is a huge redflag. Even if he badmouths just one is already enough. A mentally healthy man ready for another relationship has moved on and holds no hate or contempt against exes. And of course if all his exes are "crazy" or "bitches trying to ruin him" then he's for sure the problem and possibly an abuser.

___alchemy · 2021-04-22T19:49:03+00:00

I knew a guy who was actually abused by his girlfriend. Including him locking himself in the bedroom because he was terrified of her screaming and banging on the door, demanding he cut off all ties to friends and family for her. After he broke up with her, she stalked him, hanging around his house in the evening, cutting herself and saying she'll kill herself if he doesn't take her back. Things that would actually qualify as emotional abuse.

You know how he talked about her? "Yeah ... well she wasn't very well." - "Dude, she was absolutely batshit, you can be glad she didn't burn down your house or something!" - "I mean, it wasn't that bad ..."

That's how an actual male victim of spousal abuse spoke about his ex. Still kind of meek and a bit terrified, still making some excuses here and there.

Any man who goes on long opulent rants about their terrible crazy psycho ex is probably not actually the victim. Especially when it's in turn used "oh but YOU'RE different" then it's 99.99% of the time pure manipulation.

bamboohobobundles · 2021-04-22T21:25:20+00:00

Oh yea. My ex was very big on the whole "men's rights" bullshit. He said stuff like this all the time.

Women ruin men's lives by falsely accusing them of rape or abuse because they can. Women are soul sucking gold diggers who drag men through the court system and bankrupt them after divorce. Women keep their poor innocent children away from their loving, caring fathers just to be nasty. Women can fuck whoever they want while nice men get ignored because they're not tall enough or rich enough.

I obviously wanted desperately to prove to him that I wasn't that kind of woman, because I thought he'd been hurt in the past and had a good reason for believing this stuff.

K0rla · 2021-04-22T19:22:25+00:00

Also, it’s possible to have been hurt by someone and yet not use any slurs (sexist, in this case) to describe them. If the words “whore”, “bitch”, “slut” etc. easily roll out of a man’s tongue, run. It doesn’t matter what she did, some words are just dehumanising.

ScrappleSandwiches · 2021-04-22T19:24:10+00:00

Everyone should read this book. it’s free online.

Throwawayrightaway28 · 2021-04-22T21:28:10+00:00

This is great advice, but the short version is to just know that pretty much every man on earth who says he was abused by his woman partner was the abusive one. Double points if his mom or other women relatives blame her.

zorra666 · 2021-04-22T20:37:20+00:00

I had a first date with a guy who spilled a long and tumultuous tale of his ex-wifes abuse onto me. I didn't buy it but played the sympathetic ear. For over an hour as he drank.

When I added a brief mention of my own experience being abused, he said, "Wow, you must be really stupid to fall for a guy like that."

He told on himself. It was clear to me that this guy was not only an abuser, but a blatant, obvious, drunk, stupid one.

Postscript: When I got home from my rapid escape from this horrid date, I discovered that this abusive scrote had sent me a series of dick pics taken from the bathroom of the restaurant we had been at. WTF.

musicalistic · 2021-04-22T21:49:16+00:00

I have finished reading this book. I must admit that this book is scary but true because things written on this book are all real life examples. Imagine there are so many fucked up men in life to the point someone wrote it as a book with high accuracy of reality.

NurseBubbleGum · 2021-04-22T20:25:41+00:00

That sounds like a ton of work...talk to the ex and play therapist. It's easier to pass that up.

lucidlotus · 2021-04-22T22:03:56+00:00

Yes. The last of these men I tangled with would mention his ex when he was drunk. Sometimes with nostalgia, other times with resentment, and once he called her the c-word. He said she was abusive. (They had an on-and-off relationship for several years. Red flag.) He turned out to be the abusive one.

Platipus6 · 2021-04-22T23:32:01+00:00

My ex said his ex-gf "pushed his buttons" 🤡

Here was me, 3 years later, being covertly abused for 5 hours straight in front of his family, trying not to blow up so I don't "push his buttons".

Apprehensive_Ad_7917 · 2021-04-22T18:50:44+00:00

I will always say this when this comes up: most violence by women against their partners is reactive abuse. Women do not hold a position in society that allows them to perpetuate domestic abuse in the way that men do. When a woman is violent against her partner, it’s almost always in response to being abused herself.

Edited to add some stats to back this up: https://opdv.ny.gov/professionals/abusers/genderandipv.html

lolmemberberries · 2021-04-22T23:57:55+00:00

If a man spends a lot of time talking about his ex (especially on the first few dates), know that he isn't over her.

helppleasekk · 2021-04-22T20:07:55+00:00

[permanently deleted]

amhran_oiche · 2021-04-23T03:52:13+00:00

HE TOLD ME HE HIT HIS CHILDREN'S MOTHER "ONCE" BUT "SHE HAD A MOUTH ON HER" AND I STAYED. HE HIT ME TOO.

🤡🤡🤡

fdsonlynoscrubs · 2021-04-23T10:34:36+00:00

I dated a guy who told me his ex wife is a lesbian and his ex before that cheated on him. Ok, stuff happens. But then he would talk about both of them a lot and still get angry, and I thought, hmmm... red flag.

Then one day he mentioned his ex wife isn’t out of the closet, and I realized ... omg these are just stories he made up in his mind. Like maybe she stopped sleeping with him because she didn’t want to sleep with him anymore and now he’s just telling everyone she’s gay. And the one before that too, he just accused her of cheating on him and now that’s the story he now tells people?

My mistake! Now when a man talks about his exes, in my mind I always side with the exes!!!!!

sdb56 · 2021-04-22T18:56:00+00:00

Anger is also worrisome in itself. Shows that the ex still has a strong pull. Indifference is acceptable.

esoldelulu · 2021-04-23T17:46:41+00:00

Yup, he used to talk about how abusive she was and how he was trying to get her help as if she was having some psychotic break. What was really telling is how he always snuck her into our conversations, doing a mocking impression of her and repeating things she used to allegedly say. He even said he hadn’t quite gotten a good impression of me yet.

Now I don’t wonder if his impression of me would have been equally mocking.

I also am skeptical of men who don’t tell the full story or only give you snippets of it. Like oh his buddy’s girlfriend hates his guts and told his buddy to stop hanging out with him. Why??? Crickets. Just left it at that. And if you’re like the old me, you’ll lean towards having empathy for HIM as if he was singled out and the victim of some overly possessive girlfriend.

I’ve been told by well-meaning friends that I’m overly cautious or paranoid. But I have to gently tell them to fuck off now becuz my intuition is a superpower. When I have that spidey tingle, I’m listening to it from here on out.

lansburysoda · 2021-04-22T23:35:49+00:00

4 was so huge. When I was inebriated, I told my ex about how I’d been raped. He never seemed to actually empathize, and would regularly bring up examples of how some woman “ruined a guy’s life” with a “false accusation.” He also talked about his ex as if she were a child and he was the spiritually enlightened/superior one. He was actually a full-blown narcissist and emotional abuser. Unfortunately, it took months for the mask to slip and his real personality to come out. That’s the hardest part about these relationships—I kept waiting for the “real him” to come back in a more permanent way, not understanding that the real him was a manipulative loser

zazaleaz · 2021-04-23T13:53:42+00:00

This really is the only reason to be up on what kinds of things MRAs say online: so you can spot them in the wild. They use a lot of language you won't hear anywhere else, and they all claim to have been physically abused or raped by women.

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Title	Pay extra attention to how he talks about his ex! [from Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft]
Author	veruscka
Upvotes	523
Comments	55
Date	April 22, 2021 6:39 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/mwbk5m/pay_extra_attention_to_how_he_talks_about_his_ex/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/pay-extra-attention-to-how-he-talks-about-his-ex.777422 https://theredarchive.com/post/777422

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