Prepping to leave - biding my time

honeybadgerattitude · 2021-10-19T22:01:15+00:00

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You’re doing brilliantly!! If that helps. You’re doing everything right. It seems like he has some idea that it’s coming? Even if he thinks he’s talked you round again? Be very careful if he does. Protect yourself above all else. As for the feelings, I’ve been through a situation where I had to disassociate from my feelings while still living with my partner. It’s hard but doable. If you absolutely can’t get out before you can break the lease, you need to channel your focus. You’re probably upset and hurt right now. Turn it into anger. How dare he do that to you? He knows he’s signed a new lease too but he’s still doing it and gaslighting you into thinking it’s nothing. He doesn’t care about your feelings or your money. He only cares about whether you’re going to keep giving him sex!!! Are you angry yet? Good. Now get determined. You’ve got a lot sorted already but anger is a powerful emotion. It can be negative or positive and if you use it to fuel your determination there will be both you can’t do. Picture your life 6 months from now. In a new home with your dog, no one making decisions about your life but you. Feeling healed and happy. Get mad. Get focused. Get happy. You can do it.

Determinedblonde · 2021-10-19T22:51:59+00:00

The last time you had sex has already happened. No coercive rape here! He might have caught something from her.

charmparticle · 2021-10-19T22:11:28+00:00

Sending good thoughts and queen energy to you! Is there any way you can accelerate breaking the lease and tying up loose ends ASAP, like before he goes on the hometown trip? That would be an ideal time to vanish and move out. Can you negotiate with the landlord, find out the costs of breaking the lease and moving, get a personal loan or put stuff on credit cards for a bit? Move in with a friend or get a temp roommate/sublet?

He lied to you and he knows you know. The handbook and the recommended books and all our intuition says that leaving is the most dangerous time. Even if he's "just" a cheater, he lied to you about something important. What else would he lie about? He'd never hurt your dog, throw you down the stairs, cut the brake lines on your car, or tie you to railroad tracks while twirling his mustache and cackling? Who knows what evil deeds liars are capable of, when they know the game is up?

Is there a domestic violence hotline in your area? They may be able to connect you with resources, housing vouchers, and supportive women who have been through this and can assure you that what you're feeling is normal and serious. You're doing exactly right by channeling your energy into the logistics of leaving.

You can do this. A peaceful, liar-free life is out there for you and your pup. Wishing you safety and health, from someone who's been there.

bananabananabanana99 · 2021-10-19T22:14:15+00:00

Wow, this is exactly what I left my ex for. I didn’t want him to gaslight me, as he always did, so I also played the “long game”. He ended up slipping his mask for something completely unrelated, and I just happened to finally be mentally prepared, so I ran! The hard part is the lease agreement, can you move back home? Can you get the money together to break the lease agreement? I would not even tell him you’re leaving. I would find a way to pack up and get everything in order, and be out before he makes it home. BLOCK AND DELETE THEN AND THERE.! HE WILL GASLIGHT YOU TO OBLIVION. Also! Keep the screenshots as a reminder to yourself, and also because he’s going to paint you the bad guy... But make sure to put them away in a separate folder so the negative energy is out of the way. I know how you feel, and I’m so happy that you’re being a true ice queen. He thinks he’s so sly, and probably has that stupid smug smile too, knowing that his actions hurt you. Ghost him in the most epic way possible and enjoy your new and stress free life with your dog! And don’t worry, this fling of his won’t even last... he’ll do the same thing he did to you, to her instead. Just please please PLEASE do not write him any paragraphs, no explanations, nothing, let him feel as stupid as he is! For now, literally just act normal. Maybe even extra nice, so he really lets his guard down, because he already thinks he’s got you played. And.! Stay away from having sex with him, so you don’t get exposed to anything serious- don’t be cold about it, but tell him you have a headache, you’re tired, whatever... just some excuses to bide time, and also so he doesn’t project his cheating on you- you risk getting beat or killed that way. No excuses about yeast infections, funky smells, or anything like that... when you stop having sex with him, he’ll accuse you of cheating! Please be careful! I’m sorry this lvm wasted your time and money, but also thank you for reminding me today why I don’t want my lv ex to ever contact me again.

Inspection-Critical · 2021-10-19T22:48:03+00:00

very ironic that he tells me that he doesn’t want the last time we ever have sex to be the last time because I’m already planning on leaving because that would make him feel used.

So, exactly what he's doing to YOU? The projection is strong with this guy.

Despite us just spending the last half hour talking about how he’s doing all in his power to avoid her.

Is he insinuating she's stalking him? I've heard some shitty pass-the-buck excuses in my time, but this takes the cake.

Strategy-wise, focus on feelings later once you're out. Now's the time to buckle down and get tactical so you can leave ASAP.

What's your timeline? Exactly how much money do you need? Have you reached out to family and friends for help? Now's the time to call in the cavalry. If you can break the lease sooner and sleep on someone's couch for a few weeks, I would. There's no greater hell than living with a cheater.

Do you share anything besides the lease? Utilities? Bills? Bank accounts? Netflix? Quietly (emphasis on "quietly") begin untangling your lives. Remove yourself from shared accounts and change your passwords. If you can't move out tomorrow, at least start moving out valuables and important documents - store them at a friend's or rent a safe deposit box at a bank. Stick less valuable stuff in storage, if need be.

Focus on stuff that can't be replaced easily or at all: heirlooms, personal documents, laptop, anything you need for your job. If the furniture's yours and you can swing it, plan for friends to help you move out while he's gone. If you have to leave furniture behind, fuck it. Furniture's replaceable.

Get tested. Cheaters aren't known for playing safe, and condoms aren't bullet-proof.

Don't tell him anything. Have excuses prepared if he asks.

millennialpink2000 · 2021-10-19T22:25:09+00:00

Congrats! It sounds like you've got the plan in place and the resolve to do it! Get angry because that's the most motivating source of energy on earth. Use it to polish your resume, research apartments/areas for your new spot, clean out your belongings so there's less to move, exercise, listen to Alanis Morissette and turn this Elle Woods moment into something productive for you.

Vaahla · 2021-10-20T00:50:36+00:00

It’s fucking hard to keep the mask up, I’ll tell you that. Plan your escape for as soon as possible, and just disappear while he’s out.

You do not owe him an explanation. You cannot fix him. This is not a problem that you can solve.

BlueSkiesOverLondon · 2021-10-20T00:44:21+00:00

Avoid having sex with him, and if possible avoid letting him know the reason until you are out. Fake a bout of crushing unrelated depression (you need a very plausible reason) and say it tanked your libido. Pretend to have a yeast infection or BV. Develop a cold if you normally give bjs. If you can get away with it, pretend someone close to you or a family pet died. Whatever you can think of.

Obviously the not having sex with him part is more important than maintaining the cover as to why, but I think you could probably avoid sex for at least a month whiteout him getting suspicious (and potentially retaliating dangerously) this way.

I emphasize this because I have found it’s doable to dissociate during everyday life it’ll it’s short-term, but having dissociated sex (ie rape) will buy your therapist a Porsche. It’s always a terrible idea.

hugship · 2021-10-19T23:56:10+00:00

You’re doing all the right things! Congrats on making the decision to do the right thing for yourself and good luck with your journey to extract yourself from this.

On a more logistical note, it may be worth considering talking with your landlord or building management company (once you have money on hand to break the lease) about the situation. You owe him nothing in terms of preserving his reputation, and some landlords will do you a favor and allow you to break the lease for free or reduced fees if they know the reason behind you needing to break it. Similar to how some landlords and mgmt companies will let you off easy breaking the lease if you’re in the process of buying a house that came before the lease was up.

IMO it doesn’t hurt to ask and as long as you have the money saved up for the full fees, if they say no you can just let them know you will find a way to pay for it and to proceed with the process of breaking the lease.

Other redditors, please correct me if you think this is a bad idea. Im not trying to steer OP wrong here.

ApartPersonality · 2021-10-20T04:05:48+00:00

Good luck and please, please give us a follow up.

warinmymind94 · 2021-10-20T04:22:58+00:00

Been in a similar situation before. Here's what I advise from living in it. Find a copy of the lease and read it over carefully. Some let you leave early you can just pay a fee type of thing, but it all depends on what it says. You could always talk to your landlord as well if you have questions.

Start saving up money. Get an idea of what other apartments would cost and keep it in mind to budget. Typically they want to see that you make at least 3x the rent.

Keep quiet about your plans and ideas to move out. Don't be telling him you're looking at apartments and saving up. The less you say the better.

Mentally, get in the habit of detaching from him. Cook your own meals. Do your own shopping. Do your own chores (ie don't do him any favors. Don't share food with him. Don't be giving him rides, etc you want to have that separate mentality already). Treat him as a roomate. Don't be opening up to him or hanging out. Gush to friends or family.

Have your own life, and if possible avoid him when he is off. When my ex would have off or come home and have a lot of down time and I knew it, I would use those times to go out. I did deliveries then through an app so I could just turn it on and make extra money. Or I would run errands or just hangout with friends or do work at a coffeeshop. It helps with the detaching.

When you do have to interact with with him keep it more business. Talk about stuff you have to get done for the house /etc. Don't have a lot of depth with him. Slowly pull back more and more.

If you don't already get spare keys for the apartment so you have some. If things go sour in his end you don't need him locking you out or stealing your keys as a manipulation tactic.

Keep your valuables locked up and hidden. That includes cash, credit cards, important documents, things of sentimental value, keys. You never know how pyshco he will go when he realizes it and if he will retaliate.

When it comes to moving out, the safest thing is to be sneaky about it. Get all your valuable items it first and into a secure location. Do this when he is not home. Its ideal to have a friend or 2 help you. Then go back and move out the rest of your stuff as quick as possible before he gets home. If you have a lot of stuff, then slowly start moving your stuff over into the new place a little at a time until you have enough time to do the heavy lifting.

Look into getting a restraining order. Watch that he doesn't follow you or know where you are moving to. Think about having security/ways to protect yourself in your new place especially. Be ready to block and delete his number.

My one friend is trying to move out of his place hes stuck in a lease with an ex gf who cheated.... and he went to the landlord and the landlord actually went and told his ex that when he moves out she will also have to leave because she can't afford the rent alone. Read the lease first and make sure to tell the landlord you want to speak in confidence first before doing anything. He may be able to have someone else move in as a roomate.

Stay safe and hang in there.

oscine23 · 2021-10-20T02:22:38+00:00

And I wouldn’t waste time with screenshots. He knows what he did. Just ghost his ass and deal with the rental office directly. There a thousand ways to never speak to him again.

DarbyGirl · 2021-10-20T16:46:30+00:00

Ooh hon hugs to you first of all.

I am going through this right now, and here's my 2cents for what its worth. This will all depend on your timeline and what he knows you know.

- This is going to be very hard. Feel your feelings, go for a long walk and cry it out. Do whatever you have to do. But - keep it to yourself.

- Grey Rock. If you don't know what it is google it. It's a great tactic to start distancing yourself.

- Keep those screenshots, and make a list somewhere of all the reasons why you are done. All the things he's done. Refer to it when he's showing up and being the person you first met and causing you to doubt yourself.

- Get your ducks in a row. When you do find a place, don't tell him you are leaving until you are about to leave. You may feel like you "owe" him some time. You don't. This will cause a lot of drama, stress, and heartache if you don't listen.

- Once you tell him your leaving, be prepared to batten down your hatches and weather whatever storm is coming. He may be mad. He may start bawling, He may be okay with it. He may be all these things at different times.

My ex has gone through the gamut of being mr-overly-helpful-let-me-help-you-move, to mr-lovebombing-crying "I thought if I was nice to you again you'd stay" - to mr helpful again.

This is the worst one. You will feel bad for hurting him. You'll want to comfort him, you'll second guess everything. You will feel very ungrounded. That list? Those screenshots? ... Now's the time to refer to them again. Remind yourself why you're leaving. Short term pain for long term gain.

Stay strong.

Edit to add: if you feel he will be destructive, squirrel away anything you absolutely must take with you at a trusted friends or relatives house. Any special family herlooms or musical instruments...etc, get them out. Anything else...it's just stuff. If he wants the couch, fuck it, let him have it. The less you have to argue over the less power he has to keep you in his grip.

BooksandEarlGreyTea · 2021-10-20T14:53:53+00:00

I see a lot of ladies here have already cover most logistics but I noticed a couple of things.

You mentioned you have personal loans, does he know how big they are? Could you pretend they are bigger so you need to start working 'overtime' to pay them off? Also pretend to be working overtime would give you space both from him and to do stuff elsewhere.

You said he uses your car, do you drive to work? If so, could you do 'overtime' on the day you break the lease then just not come back to the flat?

IllustriousChest · 2021-10-21T01:54:51+00:00

Just caught a glance at his phone to see that he's downloaded a Second Phone Number app and something called Text Now. Everything is fuel to the fire.

oscine23 · 2021-10-20T02:20:19+00:00

Do you really have to wait and save up the rent money to leave? You can do that from anywhere —a family or friend’s couch. You need to go now. Or at the very least not be there when he gets back.

When you’re away from the bullshit, you’ll be able to see him for what he is and you won’t question yourself. Don’t sleep with him again. Who knows what he’s got.

ImCold555 · 2021-10-19T21:26:54+00:00

Why don’t u just change the locks while he is gone?

_mooness · 2021-10-20T14:47:11+00:00

Did you give the leasing company your social security number?

seadragon6 · 2021-10-20T19:17:08+00:00

I think it must be a redpill tactic, but men who say they “feel used” are deliberately abusing you and turning the narrative around so you feel like the abuser. Get out of there safely!

thediverswife · 2021-10-20T21:48:32+00:00

You’re doing what you can in a situation that must be really painful. You’re thinking several steps ahead which is strategy, it’s always good to be prepared. The only thing I would add to the list is having a trusted friend or two who can come and pick you up or let you spend the night if needed.

bombas- · 2021-10-21T08:36:25+00:00

I’d love to see you move out while he’s gone. I realize it’s tough financially but I promise it would be worth it.

Re: the rent/breaking the lease, does anyone know if one option, and I know it’s risky, is to just refuse to pay him? OP would need to evaluate for herself whether her ex & the landlord would bother coming after her or just decide it’s not worth the hassle though…but I’ve heard enough stories of deadbeats doing this & getting away with it so.

Title	Prepping to leave - biding my time
Author	IllustriousChest
Upvotes	264
Comments	123
Date	October 19, 2021 7:01 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/qbibso/prepping_to_leave_biding_my_time/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/prepping-to-leave-biding-my-time.1078595 https://theredarchive.com/post/1078595

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