Do Unspoken Dating Rules Even Exist Anymore?

Ill-Cook-6879 · 2025-06-11T23:27:12+00:00

Well one of the unspoken dating rules is that you don't have to clarify the situation with regards to exclusivity but if you don't then certain consequences become more likely. You didn't clarify early, and one day instead of some cheerful sex you ended up with an argument and a huge source of sex and validation being withdrawn. She didn't clarify early, she ended up feeling hurt and having wasted her time.

I do not see that situation you describe as one that lacked rules. She got upset. One can play within the rules and still end up upset. One can play within the rules and still be manipulative or vindictive or a time waster or just generally a bad person or whatever. This is true of any set of rules. A person can 100 percent manipulate any set of rules.

You're not obligated to care for her feelings and she's not obligated to say oh cool cool how about a blow job when she finds out you don't care about her feelings.

RayAP19 · 2025-06-11T22:54:30+00:00

One unwritten rule that everyone should follow is "Unless you've established exclusivity, assume anyone you're seeing is also seeing other people."

ta06012022 · 2025-06-12T02:34:04+00:00

Like I’ve been seeing a woman casually for a while. She recently proposed exclusivity, and when I declined, she accused me of "using" her, and then had an emotional outburst after finding out I was seeing others. But we never agreed to commitment, she just assumed it.

So the question is, did you explicitly say you were only looking for something casual?

Either way, it's okay, because you're not exclusive unless you've explicitly agreed to be exclusive. But I learned through my experience that things are ultimately easier when you're explicit about only wanting casual. I had a few bad experiences freshman year of college with girls I hooked up with who assumed there was the possibility of something more. After that I started being really explicit that I only wanted casual when that was the case, and I didn't encounter any more drama.

growframe · 2025-06-12T00:05:12+00:00

The only relevant one is the unspoken rule that people will arbitrarily make up unspoken rules on the fly and then blame others when they don't go along with them

toasterchild · 2025-06-11T22:49:57+00:00

I live in a very large metro area and there doesn't seem to be any unwritten rules anymore. It works best when people know what they want for themselves and search for like minds.

I have friends who live in areas with smaller populations, they experience a lot more unwritten rules than I do here but oddly enough people seem more promiscuous while also having more expectations and preconceived notions. So many dating experiences are local.

Kapoue · 2025-06-11T23:26:40+00:00

There are a lot of unwritten rules in dating like there are in any human interaction in general.

But they will vary by culture, country, city, etc.

In my city, it's expected that people will split the bill. Not doing so would be kind of weird. I misspoke once when the server came to ask for the bill splitting and she looked at me in shock when I said to bring only one bill.

On the other side of the fence, I know my girlfriend was always getting into uncomfortable situations when guys (usually recent immigrants) wanted to pay for her drinks.

a-perpetual-novice · 2025-06-12T00:10:27+00:00

Even if there are baselines, things are buyer's beware anyway. Basic CYA (cover your ass) or trust but verify approach to life.
I think both exclusivity and non-exclusivity would benefit from being verbalized. Everyone just communicate early and often.
People get mad and feel wronged even when they are only a victim of their own projections and assumptions. Or maybe they feel like there's a "should" that others don't.
You don't have an obligation to, but I would think that makes you a bad or at least emotionally immature person. Feeling bad for someone can happen even when they are solely in the wrong. Hell, I feel bad for murderers and what will happen to their life. If you have enough self-acceptance, it is easy to trust that you are a good person and simultaneously feel bad that someone is having a hard time even when they blame you, whether you are at fault or not.

If you are sensitive to people blaming you, then an easier (never foolproof) approach is to make it extremely clear that you aren't looking to be exclusive even if you are doing supposed relationship activities. Every time you meet if you want to be extra clear. But even then, some people will find a way to blame others. They always do.

bluestjuice · 2025-06-11T23:50:45+00:00

Not universal unwritten rules, no.

Use your words and ask for what you want. That goes for everybody.

pingo5 · 2025-06-12T12:42:07+00:00

Yeah you should be disclosing that you're seeing others. This is standard across pretty much all relationship styles. Especially before you got to ditching condoms. Sleeping with multiple people carries risks that need disclosed. It's messed that ya didn't.

On a more murky note I still think if you're being nonmonogamous you should disclose. 97% of relationships are monogamous. It's far beyond an expectation I think.

Outside_Memory5703 · 2025-06-11T23:16:04+00:00

Yes. People date to get relationships. If you don’t want a relationship, you don’t date, you go for hookups and hookers

MongoBobalossus · 2025-06-11T23:36:45+00:00

There are three rules that I live by: never get less than twelve hours sleep; never play cards with a guy who has the same first name as a city; and never get involved with a woman with a tattoo of a dagger on her body. Now you stick to that, and everything else is cream cheese.

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Siukslinis_acc · 2025-06-12T02:36:31+00:00

Yes. Unspoken dating rules still exist. The problem is that each person might have different unspoken dating rules.

I don't think common unspoken dating rules exist in general. They do tend to exist inside specific subculutres. As each subculture has their own unspoken rules.

RahLyt · 2025-06-12T05:22:59+00:00

In this chaotic world I use myself as a point of reference.

if I'm uncertain about something I ask or observe (whichever tool is best for the occasion)

Colt_Master · 2025-06-12T07:05:30+00:00

It seems you were intentionally hiding information from her in order to keep getting laid as you further say in your other comment where you say you explicitly avoided saying you just wanted casual, but try to justify your actions by saying that she never put due diligence in obtaining the information that you explicitly hid, despite signs that the woman was interested in you beyond the casual. And further justifying it by saying that "women" (who's "women"? Is it 100% of women? Is that woman you were dating "women"?) also hide things so it's ok for you to keep casually banging someone who has feelings for you and who you should be able to deduce she might feel hurt when she eventually gets romantically rejected.

This all has little to do with "dating rules", it all has to do with baseline standard morality, which you've broken. Unless you're somehow willing to apply the same moral standards that you apply here to any other situation. The existence of lying by omission is a widely accepted moral standard. People universally dislike other people withholding information from them that both of them are aware affects their decision-making, and it's not a "dating rule".

Also I don't know what's the problem with her agreeing to unprotected sex. You simultaneously claim that she didn't know you were sleeping with other people. Don't you connect the dots between the two points? I don't see what negative character trait about her it's supposed to denote. Mostly, she was basically telling you "I'm not seeing any other people, are you?" through that statement, and you accepted it without making comments nor warning her that you might pass her something from the rest of people you were fucking? If you don't see how your failure to mention you two weren't exclusive and that you were seeing more partners at that moment and that you likely are open to unprotected sex with other people who you haven't completely vetted are safe of STDs affected things further down the line, I assume you're playing dumb.

Schleudergang1400 · 2025-06-12T09:54:39+00:00

Yes, there is no default morality. Everything happens between two people who need to talk about rules, ethics and expectations. Even if 95% followed a default morality, how do you know the person you are currently seeing isn't belonging to the 5% who don't? You are always better suited with assuming nothing and speaking about the things you want.

Are there still baseline dating ethics, or is it purely "buyer beware" now?

Don't expect anything. Make sure you are on the same page.

Should exclusivity always be verbalized, or are some assumptions standard?

Verbalized. Don't assume anything.

Why do people get mad when casual acts casual?

Individuals act individually.

Do I have an obligation to care for a woman's feelings, who I'm not committed to? If so, why?

You have no obligations but you will have to deal with the consequences of your actions.

Artistic_Speech_1965 · 2025-06-12T11:58:43+00:00

To be honest, there is no specific rules but you need to talk about the terms. One person can be okay with A but another one can find it bad. Always communicate

cutegolpnik · 2025-06-12T12:42:16+00:00

How did she not know you were dating other women? I would have dropped it in casual conversation so she was aware and not surprised. I always wanna be on the same page as others. It prevents drama like this.

DankuTwo · 2025-06-13T06:08:36+00:00

This is yet another weird American thing. In Europe you’re generally considered exclusive if you’re sleeping with someone. Only Americans hold onto the “well, technically we never said we were exclusive…” gotcha.

Also, if you’re simultaneously sleeping with multiple women casually that is pretty much the definition of a Chad…..

-Shes-A-Carnival · 2025-06-15T18:43:01+00:00

"dating ethics" lol

WebBorn2622 · 2025-06-16T05:39:19+00:00

Finally an interesting discussion! Here’s my two cents:

There’s still baseline ethics, but they aren’t the same as they once were.

Nowadays it’s more about open communication. It’s not a given people are looking for the same thing anymore so you actually have to ask, communicate and respect other people’s wishes.

You can’t fuck someone into loving you and you can’t lie to people about your intentions and expect them to not get hurt.

Exclusivity is an agreement between two people and has to be verbalized.

That being said, a lot of cultures take it for granted sex = exclusivity and a lot of people are still very old school. So you should definitely communicate this to a potential sex partner before engaging in sexual activity.

I know I know. “It ruins the mood” or whatever. But it doesn’t have to be a complicated sit down conversation for a whole hour. It can be a quick “let’s keep it casual” before you jump in bed together.

Hurt people don’t always act reasonably

When people get mad their casual partner doesn’t turn into a serious partner despite it being clearly communicated that it’s supposed to be a casual relationship it’s because they are hurt. They convinced themselves they could fuck someone into loving them, and when it didn’t work out they got hurt and felt the need to take out those feelings on someone else.

But if you clearly communicated your intentions to them you haven’t hurt or deceived them. They hurt and deceived themselves. That’s their responsibility.

You should generally care for other people’s feelings, that’s called empathy

If you know she has feelings for you and is delusional about where your relationship to each other is going you can do the decent thing and end it because you don’t want to hurt her feelings.

That being said, it’s not your responsibility to assume other adults are lying about their intentions and insist they are feeling things they have expressed they aren’t feeling. If you genuinely believed her when she said she wanted to keep things casual that is on her for lying.

Basically; you shouldn’t knowingly hurt people’s feelings because “it’s not my responsibility”, but it’s ultimately not your job to double check that people aren’t lying to you

Sharp_Engineering379 · 2025-06-12T00:18:20+00:00

Within weeks, she was okay with unprotected sex

You mean you are okay with the consequences of unprotected sex.

Clean-Luck6428 · 2025-06-12T00:27:51+00:00

There never were many unspoken rules to begin with.

It’s just that people who had little experience dating before Covid are grasping at straws by projecting unwritten rules to try to make sense of things but they are just pulling bs out of their asses or think brainrot dating content is representative of real dating

Fun_Breakfast697 · 2025-06-12T18:15:31+00:00

I'm firmly in the camp of "you're not exclusive until you say you are" and reddit hates it. Lotta whining about "we didn't do this sort of thing back in the day" and "how can you expect to be taken seriously if you're fucking other guys?"

Anyway the real answer is that this is exactly why people tend to pair up with people who are very similar to them. When I was dating I didn't run into these expectation mismatches because I tended to date people very similar to myself. My partner and I both have unrestricted sociosexuality. We slept together on our first date with no expectation of more. We continued hooking up with no expectation of more. We both slept with other people in the early stages, even as our relationship became more romantic, and neither of us is bothered by that. If he expected me to cut off every other dick in my life the moment I touched his (or vise versa) we would not be together.

Anyway my best advice to you is (1) seek out sluttier women, and (2) if you're seeing someone casually for a while and doing relationship things, it's good to re-clarify every once in a while.

Ok_Shower_2611 · 2025-06-12T05:53:47+00:00

u r talking like u were forced into all this. she agreed to unprotected sex, sure. but that implies some level of trust. u cant sleep with someone three times and pretend emotions arent involved.

and u knew she was hoping to change your mind? then u let her assume and carried on anyway? where is the honesty? letting her know or ending it was the real move, u used her.

this has nothing to do with modern women or some post covid dating shift, those r all excuses. the rules never changed. u never communicated properly and now u r shocked there were consequences.

the truth is u r not ready for adult relationships/situationships. u want intimacy without responsibility without ever asserting what u want. the system is intact, its just u

Intelligent-Insight · 2025-06-16T06:52:54+00:00

Of course they exist, but we can't speak about them.

Seriously though, the unspoken rules are:

1) If you're looking for something serious, you are talking to/dating one person at a time.

2) If you are having unprotected sex, you are exclusive.

3) If you had to talk about exclusivity and, again, are dating for LTR, then exclusivity applies retroactively (see 1).

4) If she's doing dick appointments she can't seriously expect much.

That doesn't answer some of your questions, though, so let's address them. Note, that not everyone has ethics so you should beware. You should care for someone's feelings because you would want for people to care about your feelings. Of course, you don't have to do anything. Neither of you.

What you described is that old trp approach. It's basically lying by omission, but don't forget that this approach is based on the view that sexual strategy is amoral. You are getting what you want and what your strategy was designed for. Now the plate is either gonna drop or you will keep spinning it. Maybe, some will want to be a part of harem. Isn't that your goal if you are approaching dating like that? Not sure why you seem so frustrated that women don't follow rules/ethics when you are (not) doing the same thing. It's even more unethical to assume non-exclusivity than to assume exclusivity.

ThatBitchA · 2025-06-11T23:49:41+00:00

Yes.

It seems the unspoken rule of "expect men to string you along and then blame/shame you for it" is still in existence.

Title	Do Unspoken Dating Rules Even Exist Anymore?
Author	DiligentRope
Upvotes	6
Comments	70
Date	June 11, 2025 10:12 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1l95tke/do_unspoken_dating_rules_even_exist_anymore/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/do-unspoken-dating-rules-even-exist-anymore.1554507 https://theredarchive.com/post/1554507

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