Does effortless dating work?

Alberic2092 · 2020-09-01T15:10:37+00:00

Sure. I mean, if you're a woman, that's the default.

Creation_Soul · 2020-09-01T11:42:34+00:00

The "problem" (if it even is a problem) is that people that are 100% compatible are very rare, if they even exist at all. So in theory, some compromises (even if they are small) must be made. But a compromise is an "effort" for most people, so effortless dating is pretty much non-existent.

wtknight · 2020-09-01T12:21:28+00:00

I think that one would naturally have to be pretty social to begin with for this to work. I’m a pretty withdrawn person myself so I’ve always had to make an effort to approach women either in person or (most of the time) online. I’m not the kind of person who engages in conversations with others, especially women, without having to put some effort into it.

Eastuss · 2020-09-01T11:29:36+00:00

All the social adaptation I went through in order to be successful with women implied to be more in the moment, and it worked.

You won't get the tradcon robotic women out there like that, but majority of women expect men who want to fuck them, who approach them, escalate the relation, ect... And all these masculine behaviours involve you living in the moment and being in tune with what you want. Most don't really care about the date or what you're doing, all this is supposed to be just a pretext for time together.

PMmeareasontolive · 2020-09-01T17:10:48+00:00

You have to have a fairly high degree of both attractiveness and sociability for it to be effortless.

As an average (rounding up) looking introvert I've "not worried about it" before and it resulted in a record setting dry spell.

2020-09-01T15:14:51+00:00

Effortless dating... So be a thin woman in the US? Can't get easier than that

usa_foot_print · 2020-09-01T13:21:10+00:00

Doesn't work well in the west anymore. No one wants to meet in person. They all want to meet online.

Helmet_Icicle · 2020-09-01T13:55:23+00:00

Doing nothing gets nothing.

ThisIsMyAccount135 · 2020-09-01T16:04:40+00:00

People want what they don't have.

In the boomer (and earlier) times everyone was marrying dating and fucking starying in their teens or 20s. In my grandpas day it was just assumed that every man would be married and would be fucking his wife every night.

In our times people are having trouble dating having sex and getting married. Therefore our culture is sex obsessed.

This idea that nobody had sex before feminism is totally wrong. Sex was actually more common and just a normal thing, like animals fucking. It was just expected to the in the confines of marriage, and not to be publicized if it wasnt.

tickledpic · 2020-09-01T14:03:58+00:00

would dating work for someone who does not actively think about it and does not actively think about the opposite sex?

You mean can you happen to be so attractive to someone that they do the active "work"?

Sure. That's the position attractive women usually find themselves in. Can a man happen to be in that position? Sure. But marketplace dictates that vast majority won't because plenty other men are willing to do the "work".

2020-09-01T16:32:03+00:00

Probably would work for women.

thetruthishere_ · 2020-09-01T12:16:03+00:00

Im a personally dont think about it person, I dont actively date. I dont use apps or have a FB/IG/Snap/whatever else people are using today.

I dont hunt for a man, I live life and it happens. Its how I met all my long term partners or anyone I went on a date with.

I come from a generation before the internet though were people met in real life living life and actually talked to strangers/cold approached.

MasterTeacher123 · 2020-09-01T11:29:43+00:00

If it feels like a chore, you’re doing it wrong.

poppy_blu · 2020-09-01T11:28:42+00:00

Dating is a lot easier for people who are percieved as high value in whatever their particular market is. People are who are not have to work harder at it. This is another one of those fundamental realities the whole world seems to be aware of and accepts at face value except for people who frequent the pillosphere.

JAdoreLaFrance · 2020-09-01T13:51:02+00:00

I think GETTING to "Wu-Wei" paradoxically requires the work of de-conditioning and of learning how to function frictionlessly in a society whose values conflict with your own.

I also don't think true "Wu-Wei" exists, in the same way that perfection can exist in our universe. Even Buddhists have the mopes from time to time, you can achieve 99.999% "uptime" in terms of contentment, but after a point the more 9's you try to add, the more exponential the growth will be in the time in your life you spend trying to add each 9.

baltasarblack · 2020-09-01T13:55:50+00:00

For me it worked, I was bored and lonely. But not necessarily looking for a long-term relationship. So did the dating thing in a more jokingly way. Always let the other parties know of my way of thinking so no one got duped. In the end I had a very good click where I hadn’t expected it at all. For now I seem to be in a relationship again. Let’s see where life brings us. I never want to be stuck in a dead bedroom again so if things go south I will be single again. No disloyalty or dishonesty, the one thing I want, for my SO and me, is to be happy.

Edit: nvm my reading skills are shit as always. I did think about dating and put energy in it. I just didn’t obsess about it that much. For me it was a fun way of getting sex and intimacy. My photo’s were of me being 10kg heavier, I would only put a little bit of make-up for my first date. And having shaved legs was optional.

Hoopy223 · 2020-09-01T15:14:15+00:00

Sure if being social and extroverted is your natural state of being.

ItsTheHardCockLife · 2020-09-01T19:34:07+00:00

In my experience this is the complete opposite of how most westerners live.

If by "westerners" you mean North Americans, which is what is typically meant when North Americans say it.

In many places in western Europe this is pretty much what they do; they have no strategy, escalators, or real long time goals—there isn't even a different word in Dutch for "friend" and "boyfriend".

They don't really go on dates; at some point they just develop an understanding that they're probably sexually exclusive based on how they act around each other which can lead to comical misunderstandings with expats apparently; apparently it's quite common for UK expats to assume that they are sexually exclusive whereas the Dutch would disagree.

JohnDoe9564 · 2020-09-01T12:57:47+00:00

High value people have suitors chase them. They don't need to spend a minute chasing after Becky or Rosy.

reluctantly_red · 2020-09-01T13:33:44+00:00

There was a movie about this (The Tao of Steve). The key isn't effortlessness its desirelessness.

Be Desireless

Be Excellent

Be Gone

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relish5k · 2020-09-01T13:35:39+00:00

This is the best case scenario, right? You want to meet someone where everything is "wu-wei" - it's just easy, you hit it off, no games. I think you need to be lucky though for that to happen.

rubbooyuri · 2020-09-01T16:23:01+00:00

It kind of works. I do like feeling you want to be around me, the person, rather than simply circling around like a vulture, waiting for me to uncover the pussy cave entrance

ldonnawho · 2020-09-01T17:00:42+00:00

It works. I never actively pursued relationships and tended to meet men when I wasn't looking. You have to be extremely comfortable in being alone but know that that's unlikely since there are always interested parties

Expensive-Guitar3609 · 2020-09-01T17:16:08+00:00

I never pursued women. All my hook ups and relationships, just "happened". I was there, women were there and jackpot. I had a threesome just by being there, girl 1 broke up with her boyfriend, girl 2 was trying to support her, I was watching football,then I went to bed (irrelevant details) fell asleep (more irrelevant details) girl 1 grabs my balls.

My friends think I lie about that night but that was what happened.

I have a "wou-chi" approach in every aspect of my life, I always say "if God wants it for me, it'll happen". Meanwhile I just do my own shit, I go to gym, work hard, read, try to improve my musical skills, I learn, I talk to people, I have a social life and try to make some money everyday.

What happens just happens. And if it doesn't happen then I just don't think so much about it becouse, well, why do you care so much about things that didn't happened?

You know, I'm a fan of a really small football team of Argentina. One of the many players that wore it's T-Shirt is Nii Odartey Lantey, an african player from Ghana, who was expected by football experts to be the next "black Maradona", but who failed miserably becouse of bad luck and some personal tragedies like the death of two of their four children and his wife. Unbelievable.

After all the pain he went through, Nii Lantey founded a school in Africa with the money he had made from football. A friend of mine, who is a journalist and a huge fan of our team, went there to interview Nii ("The Black Bird" we call him) and told me in the wall of his office was a phrase:

"If life doesn't give you reassons to be happy, smile becluse you are alive."

Big guy the Black Bird.

Nephilim8 · 2020-09-01T18:20:24+00:00

Interesting concept and it reminds me of Libertarian, indirectly.

Basically if everyone does their thing and doesn't really do anything negative to other people, then everything works out just fine.

Libertarianism is like that, but only works if the larger majority have that mindset. Its very easy to exploit otherwise which is why I'm a "libertarian" and not a Liberarian. I'm for maxim freedom but know that shitty people means their are limits.

This is a lot like this and with the right people sure this can work, but more IN the relationship IMO than the actual dating.

Dating I don't know her she doesn't know me. Some effort will probably need to be made. I've been surprised for example how many women I know are intimidated by me at first, and these are just people who become FWB's not relationships, they only told me this after they really got to know me. Looking back this was a problem for me dating, which I "fixed" accidentally while figuring out game a bit better. I still let my guard down a bit and it creeps back in.

So basically once I get to know someone I don't need to work and sure wu-wei baby, but I gotta get over that hump.

Kentucky_Supreme · 2020-09-01T18:25:30+00:00

I think that would (and currently does) only work for women that are at least average in attractiveness.

TheBookOfSeil · 2020-09-01T19:07:46+00:00

Yes. It's actually pretty great when you find someone who's interested, too, but that is the hurdle. People benefit more from trying to force things and working on their manipulation game, but the benefits are more short-term and probably the route that more impulsive people take.

What you're describing is abstaining or holding off on a reward now for a greater reward later, and a lot of people don't have the will-power or inner strength to hold off on things until they find a good thing. Impulsivity and insecurity are two of the major forces driving consumerism right now.

hail_galaxar · 2020-09-01T22:14:24+00:00

You should work for anything you want in life. Anything. This includes finding a decent mate. People that are more open minded find mates quicker. I’m fairly attractive (at least I’m told that) and I have only been asked out on dates IRL maybe a dozen times. Im flirted with a lot, but they look to nervous to keep talking to me. People have so much more confidence online. As soon as I started online dating, I get about 100 messages a day and I no longer have to ask someone out because they weren’t wearing a ring. Dating is a numbers game. The more opportunities you have, the more likely you are to find someone compatible. I have so many single friends that complain about being single forever, yet they are to close minded to try blind dates, apps, speed dating, going to the gym. (Bars are probably the worst quality men you will find) so I don’t recommend. The other problem is they try an app for a week. I didn’t get any dates or find anything but horn dogs. Ok, I’ve been the app for a year and have met 2 boyfriends. Men love that I message them first. So many girls just wait to be approached because “the sperm chases the egg” or “I’m not desperate” you aren’t desperate, you just don’t want something bad enough to go after it.

midwesternMD · 2020-09-01T23:12:53+00:00

I think most need to put some effort into dating to be successful at it. But the problem is that unlike most other “goals,” success in dating can’t be readily assured by putting in more effort, time, or energy. And if you’ve been in a dry spell for long enough, there’s a very real urge to cling on to your first “match” for dear life, and try to woo her. This, I think, is “being thirsty.” It’s not a good look for anyone, man or woman.

I think the simple notion of being happy and confident in yourself and your singledom makes you more attractive. But young men in particular find it hard to truly be this confident in the absence of regular sex.

lilastr · 2020-09-02T06:42:49+00:00

Defends how you define “efforts”

feargrinn · 2020-09-02T07:54:57+00:00

would dating work for someone who does not actively think about it and does not actively think about the opposite sex?

You could argue that this is the archetypal "Natural" and what PUA ideas like "Inner Game", "Tao of Steve", Mark Manson's Models are striving to codify.

The success I see in my own life, and those around me, has certainly come from acting closer to this ideal. For me I've never fully internalized the belief and probably never will because I don't believe I'd meet the women I want to while meditating in a cave.

The Tao (as represented in the Tao Te Ching) itself could be taken as aspirational. Lao Tzu describes the sage as empty but "something moves within". I take from that you still have authentic desire and therefore are still driven to direct effort into satisfying desire.

But I am not a Taoist and I am sure one would tell me that the Tao we can talk about is not the Tao, lol.

Its always nice when things click into place for sure. If you're out and about enjoying life then that tends to happen romantically as well.

MicksPickle · 2020-09-02T09:21:11+00:00

The term is booty call

DangZagnut · 2020-09-01T11:25:16+00:00

Westerners are idiots with their stupid relationship structures and religious puritanism and women crying for money and status and men crying that they can't lock up a woman in chastity.

Yes none of them will even consider a different relationship structure, but prefer to remain unhappy with some ancient quasi-government-religious stupidity.

Sad really.

They go through dozens of relationships searching for a soul mate, which is basically the last person you meet and give up trying anymore and call them that, then you get to lead your life of quiet desperation and regret.

Just have lovers. Stop pretending you're in the bronze age and some magic book says a magic man cares what the hell you're doing with some bird you snagged from the pub. Lay your shit all the way back. Way back.

Just have fun if you're going to waste your time. Why be miserable?

87AudreyHorne · 2020-09-01T14:34:51+00:00

I'd say I'm an effortless dater and it works well for me, but you'd say that cause I'm a girl

But mainly I just like the way things are and I never looked for something important in a relationship or felt i needed one. I do love but ultimately I never experienced fear of being alone - if it's not working, then it's done. No tragedy or shame. I'm in things for the journey not because I expect or even want some life change from it

SwordfishSam034 · 2020-09-01T14:37:37+00:00

I believe firmly that anyone going into a relationship shouldn’t be looking for a relationship, or transversely, you shouldn’t go into one if you’re seeking one. The healthiest of relationships are formed between two people who are happy on their own, the purpose of being together in a relationship is to strengthen and enhance life, not fill the void of emptiness brought about from loneliness, a lack of sex, or absence of companionship. When these standards are met, not only are couples (of any sex or orientation) more likely to be healthy with one another, but being independent formerly are less likely to cling to the other for their wellbeing, be more comfortable and open to the idea of not being together (sometimes things don’t work out) and will usually have a happier time together enriching the others’ positive qualities, rather than coming from a place of deficits in filling what should be already.

Mrs_Drgree · 2020-09-01T14:10:55+00:00

[removed]

truwuweiway · 2020-09-01T15:38:37+00:00

Yes, yes it does.

Title	Does effortless dating work?
Author	Frinkst21
Upvotes	46
Comments	73
Date	September 1, 2020 11:19 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/ikif3u/does_effortless_dating_work/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/does-effortless-dating-work.172979 https://theredarchive.com/post/172979

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