How picky should you be when picking a life partner?

Mimoxs · 2020-09-08T04:53:25+00:00

??? Very? It's one of the most important decisions you can possibly make of course you need to be picky

AstuteBlackMan · 2020-09-08T04:48:26+00:00

As picky as your options.

If you can’t get hot girls or hot guys then you can’t be picky

md8716 · 2020-09-08T07:52:25+00:00

Guys on PPD being picky about a partner reminds me a lot how bad sports teams try in vain to draft a star player.

They apply all these rules, strategies, and dealbreakers in order to filter down to the best prospect on paper, and it always ends up an expensive bust. Year after year of failure, and no idea why. Success eludes them like they're the Cleveland Browns.

And some guys can know within 5 minutes if a girl is future superstar wife material even when others can't see it.

So, in the end it has nothing to do with being picky and everything to do with the ability to recognize and develop talent.

Barely-moral · 2020-09-08T11:24:59+00:00

As picky as you can be without making your final goal impossible.

ModsRControlFreaks · 2020-09-08T04:30:08+00:00

We should be pickier about character and compatibility than ticking every physical box when it comes to choosing a life partner. Most go the other way, which is why the divorce rate is so high.

AnarchoNAP · 2020-09-08T04:49:31+00:00

As picky as their market value allows.

2020-09-08T09:01:00+00:00

Of course there is no reason not to be picky. But being married and staying married isn’t as contingent upon how perfect you believe your choice is, it’s also a function of your level of commitment to working out problems.

2020-09-08T11:51:00+00:00

Does it matter? Be as picky as you want but unless you're very fit and attractive or very rich, you won't get what you want, as men. Most men will just settle for whoever they can get and hope for the best.

Women are going to be picky too, but they get to be, due to vagina. They may have to settle later on, but not until they feel like it, because women would rather be single than be with their objective looksmatch.

reluctantly_red · 2020-09-08T04:32:03+00:00

Settling is for desperate idiots

AxeLond · 2020-09-08T07:45:14+00:00

I don't think you need to be very picky really. Making a evolutionary argument, throughout human history and across most cultures and societies today serial monogamy is the norm. For the most part pair bonding, raise a child, if partner dies or sucks go find a new one.

In the last 10,000 years we've started living in more complex societies with a lot of people around, but the first archaic human evolved 2 million years ago, first homo sapiens about 300,000 years ago. If you time traveled and stole a human baby from 70,000 years ago, it would do fine in modern society and not be very different from any of us.

Point being, for 3 million years humans have lived as mostly hunter-gatherers living in groups of 30-100 people, not really interacting with other tribes.

Throughout history humans have always been fine finding a person to bond and have children with out of 30-100 random people of both genders and ages.

That maybe leaves 1 in 20 of the opposite gender should you probably be able to have children with.

I don't know if some of you have a really fixed mindset or what, but almost all aspects about a person and yourself can change over time. If you find someone you like, all their traits I look at more as a starting point that can grow and change over time versus something fixed and it is what you get.

You run into the "Don’t try to change your partner" thing here. I think this is more, don't try to force someone to change and accept who they are. Some things are also a lot deeper ingrained like how open to experience, introverted someone is, versus what their favorite food is. Best starting point out of 20 people in your target demographic and work from there sounds good.

Like part of the problem being so picky is because there will be a lot of problems and differences that pop up over time, if you look at everything in a person as fixed, then any Incompatibleness is a sign to get out and find someone new. You should invest in your partner and work through your problems, nobody is going to be a perfect fit.

People can really change in dramatic ways, like a few years ago I was put on a medication that made me gain like 50lb in less than a year, I was real chunky, 210lb. Like 1-2 years on a different medication and lifting kinda overshot and got me to 130lb but now adding muscle up to 150lb, it's been like that for last few years. If someone is fat, you should be way more concerned what the fuck is in their head, rather than it being a instant no. If someone's head is good, they can lose the weight and get really attractive in like a year, easy. You're really just fucking over yourself having such hard no requirements. Pick best out of 20 and go with it, that's what worked for humans during most of our evolutionary history.

NoSelfEsteemGuys · 2020-09-09T11:05:31+00:00

Many people have told me that if you have looks as a first preference condition for a life partner, it doesnt end well. You get used to the looks of that person when you wake up with them and whatnot. Personality is malleable so a person who makes you FEEL good about yourself is the one you wanna settle with.

Found_Toucan · 2020-09-10T02:50:38+00:00

The older I get, the more I realize how much marrying the wrong person can ruin someone’s life. And furthermore, don’t get married just to say you did or because you’re getting older. If you’re looking for a life partner, make sure it’s your best friend, and a person with their head on straight.

87AudreyHorne · 2020-09-08T05:48:40+00:00

Can I just point out that while of course people can have deal breakers and good reasons to not be with someone even if they really love the person, the partner selection isn't made by making a pros and cons list - if you don't feel deeply in love then even a list filled with cons only means nothing, and you certainly won't think to yourself "I am mad about him but he is 5 cm too short" or "I think of her all the time but 13 past sex partners is just too much"

I mean maybe both of these factors lead to you not even developing feelings in the first place, but either way the choice to fall in love is made by you, but also not by you that you have control of. You either find yourself in love or you're not love. In the former case, you can still give yourself convincing arguments not to pursue it but it's usually big things that will affect your life. In the latter case, it really doesn't matter.

LooseIndication · 2020-09-08T04:36:00+00:00

[deleted]

ldonnawho · 2020-09-08T05:35:36+00:00

Physically and character wise I think you should be picky. I don't think it's important to have hobbies in common but be able to take part in each other's interests easily.

For me, I was probably pickiest about looks and least picky about hobbies and background.

nik6979 · 2020-09-08T07:22:15+00:00

Personality , looks , height , and financial status all mattered . You can be picky somewhat . Who wants to settle for someone they're not attracted too ? Geeze if you are settling and feel uneasy in the beginning when everything is new n fresh . You'll just wanna snap and walk away when things get rough . So get what you want within moderation .

misiepatysie · 2020-09-08T07:32:48+00:00

As picky as you want.A life partner is for life so they should tick all the boxes. The thing you risk by being too picky is being single till the end. The thing you risk by not being picky enough is divorce or being unhappy for the rest of our life.

Pastelitomaracucho · 2020-09-08T13:18:34+00:00

Picky. But picky in what matters most.

Agreeabbleness, family upbringing, sexual history, education level, career prospects, worldview, spending patterns, libido, dietary patters, future planning, communication skills.

Those are the things that matter.

mae1995111 · 2020-09-08T05:07:55+00:00

I mean you shouldn't need to pick anything. It should be completely natural. In college, I don't know a single relationship that formed other than by two people in close proximity that just fell for each other. There was no weighing up options etc.

Granted, relationships change as you get older, but if you feel like you can't choose between two people, you probably don't like either of them that much anyway.

BlackPorcelainDoll · 2020-09-08T08:06:29+00:00

No one should be "picky," unless you are comfortable picking yourself first. And by that, I mean you have come to terms with the fact you will be comfortable living a single life, should your "life partner," not exist, and such standards are not met. If you cannot do that, I would suggest going back to the drawing board. Because you should never, under any interpersonal circumstance, pick people before you are comfortable picking yourself.

Relationships, friendships, bonds made and broken - naturally, even the fancy 'life partner', are for company and to cure the boredom of going through life, they are not the end or the beginning of your life as you know it.

Dissentient · 2020-09-08T08:36:42+00:00

More people should be pickier and be willing to stay single forever as opposed to settling. Being in a bad or even mediocre relationship is way worse.

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GhostTheEternal · 2020-09-08T14:01:54+00:00

Picking a "life partner" is for fools and gamblers. The furthest a man should go is picking a "while it's good" partner. When she stops appreciating you, done, done, onto the next one.

2020-09-08T14:39:51+00:00

Very. Life partner means that you will be marrying them and sharing everything. Finances, debt, children, homes. Weddings aren’t a just romantic celebration, it’s a decision that will ripple out into the rest of your life. So when you do pop that question or if you say yes to that question, ensure you know this is the right person. So many couples end of divorcing simply for the fact they didn’t give everything else a thought

TheBookOfSeil · 2020-09-08T18:27:10+00:00

Pretty damn picky. Someone who's not picky either has low standards or they're low-value.

TheLotusLover · 2020-09-08T23:09:31+00:00

Insanely picky

MessiahJohnM · 2020-09-09T04:25:07+00:00

Well, when it comes to expectations on paper vs real life, some of the people you would initially reject, based on some arbitrary criterion you’ve made up, may surprise you. I met my fiancée on tinder. TINDER. I was just looking to date and was convinced this was going to be a casual dating type thing. Based on initial interactions via tinder, I was neutral feeling about a first date. I almost didn’t even go.

We have hella more in common than expected, and the way we communicate with one another is like winning the lotto. I’ve always had the issue of jumping subjects because they connect in my mind, but those around me not quite following. She speaks my language AND other people’s language! Like a translator.

That isn’t it though. I mean, bomb chemistry, we are both obsessed with climbing, but we also have enough different to make life interesting. Healthy boundaries, healthy social life outside of one another, etc. not trying to brag, just saying that being open enough to get to know someone is important. Most people don’t plan on their next date being their life partner. And those who do are creepy unless it’s an arranged marriage.

TLDR: life does not go according to plans. Being open to that makes life suck less, and actually have a few good moments in there too :)

WilliamWyattD · 2020-09-09T08:31:54+00:00

We should be very picky. However, when it comes to physical attraction, we should no be celebrating the biological urges that push us to be picky there. We should recognize them as the obstacles to happiness they often are. It is a delicate dance. We should be trying to transcend them, but at the same time, aware of our limits in doing so. We do need some attraction and there is a limit to how much we can transcend our basest attraction triggers. Still, we should be trying so that we can focus as much as possible on the qualities that truly matter, which are about character rather than appearance.

SteveSan82 · 2020-09-08T09:47:26+00:00

You don’t need a life partner anymore. You can have kids out of marriage without shame. Women can fuck a 100 guys and be called brave and progressive

Anthony-waltzs · 2020-09-08T06:38:32+00:00

Very picky. No alcoholics, no drugs, no mental illnesses and most definitely no high n-count women. All of these things should be accounted for when thinking about settling down with someone. This is the rest of your life your talking about.

Goran07 · 2020-09-08T04:49:34+00:00

If females are actually expecting to have a life partner, they should be expecting their first partner to be just that. Inherently, the more failures they have, the worse their current situation becomes.

The females who actually succeed at finding a life partner tend to be the ones who are, not just "picky" (not necessarily about their prospective husband's SMV, but their own inhibition to immediately put out), but also understanding of their actual worth. Females with over-inflated self worth are more likely to get pumped and dumped/not be provided for because they chase higher SMV males who aren't feasible providers.

For males, it's simply a matter of not choosing to have a life partner until they recognize that's the only realistic way they're going to continue having consistent sex for the rest of their life.

2020-09-08T11:46:41+00:00

Very picky. All of my LTR stepped on a scale prior to the third date to ensure they were not lying about their weight. If they’d lied about that who knew how deep the rabbit hole went. Never had any issues with it...all of them were willing including the wife.

azngirl7689 · 2020-09-08T12:50:56+00:00

Very! This is the possible father or mother of your children and lifelong partner. This is who you’ll be at the nursing home with. Be very choosy because that’s a long time!

darksoldierk · 2020-09-08T13:25:46+00:00

Well, logically, how picky a person should be depends on the level of incremental risk that they are taking. What i mean by incremental risk is, risk that is applicable to one gender but not the other. For example, for a woman, her risk primarily revolves around the dangers of physical abuse and the wastage of time. Yes, there is risk for men to be physically abused, but, relatively speaking despite the fact that it occurs, men are, on average, physically superior and therefore the actual consequence of that risk isn't as high (for example, a man can fight back if she attacks him). For women, after a certain age, it's be difficult for her to have a baby and that time frame is relatively short in our modern word because after all, the average age of settling down is moving up not down, it's at what now? 28-30?

For men, their incremental risk revolves around financial risk and the risk of having the benefits of their fatherhood (raising your child, being with your child etc.) revoked either by the woman or by the courts. Financial risk is not "just money", financing, by definition, are a tangible representation of a person's intangible qualities. Being strong is not tangible, knowing how to program is not tangible, it's a skill. It becomes tangible when those skills are used to benefit someone else (in most cases, corporations) because the corporation pays for those skills. Money, is a representation of the intangible limited resources that a person has. Those skills often require investment, so the financial risk is really, the risk of losing the benefits of the skills that you invested into, without the relative compensation for the cost of acquiring those skills. Women don't have significant incremental financial risk primarily because divorce court's bias favoring women. In addition, women get the right to abort, men don't and women often get custody of the children. This means that women don't incur the risk of having their motherhood revoked, they, first and foremost, actually have the choice to become a mother (ie. to abort or not), then they get the choice to take the children away from the father via the courts. Men don't have the choice to become parents, if, lets say, she gets pregnant and she wants to abort while he doesn't, he doesn't get a say, he doesn't get to choose, and our judicial system has not implemented some sort of compensation to men for that lack of choice (if there was one, that would be a risk for women). And the courts rarely give men physical custody of the children.

So, if you analyse the situation, in reality, men have significantly higher risk than women, not because the consequences of those risk are more severe, but rather, there are laws preventing and attempting to deter the consequences of the risks for women, but for men, the laws allow and even encourage the consequences of those risks. What I mean by that is, the law deters and attempts to prevent physical abuse because physical abuse is illegal. In contrast, the law does not make choosing to abort or not without the formal consent of the father illegal, and in fact, when that choice results in the factual crime of paternity fraud, the law does not have consequences for the woman for that crime, which means it allows that crime to occur. In other words, the government mitigates the consequences (resulting in a reduction in the risk) for women, without doing the same for men.

So, the risk for men is significantly higher, and the way men behave in discussing the n-count and sexual history is really, simply a reflection of the risks that exist for men in the modern dating world. A woman's promiscuous past is an indicator of an issue relating to loyalty and commitment to her partners, or an indicator of poor decision making, both of which are a key factor that could end up with the man either losing his children, or losing his assets in one way or another.

When it comes to women, things like height are not reflective of the risk that they are taking. Maybe 100,000 years ago where taller men were more intimidating and therefore, were more able to provide physical security, maybe back then, that criteria was logical, but in the modern world, that is an obsolete concept. When it comes to money, or success, maybe 100 years ago when women couldn't earn money or success and had to depend on men for these things, it made sense, but in today's world, women using those as criteria only indicates the woman's laziness and lack of success.

irllylike-spiders · 2020-09-08T04:40:58+00:00

i mean?

i think a relationship is successful with communication. sexual, emotional, and just plain verbal communication.

so, idk i found someone i liked, okay? they fit all my standards - attractive(to me), things in common, etc

after that? it’s just up to if they cheat, beat me, or become boring to me. boring as in no common interests, they stop being attractive to me, we drift apart. which happens. doesn’t mean that the body count, height, etc they had going into the relationship is what caused us to fail. it just means we didn’t work out.

Skadi793 · 2020-09-08T13:30:40+00:00

Look at it like interviewing for a important job, or starting a career.

If you are highly qualified and a desirable candidate, you can get into a lucrative position at a prestigious firm. If you lack qualifications, have trouble relating to people, etc., you can get a job, but it will be for a lousy company.

In other words, you can find a high-quality wife if you have the qualifications, drive, and background to land her. Same with women (or should be). If you are a high-quality woman with a lot to offer, you will get offers from the select few

*at least that is how it is supposed to work*

The problems with men are:

They sell themselves short, and underestimate their value
They settle for low-quality women because of worries over scarcity
If they find themselves overlooked, they don't work on themselves in order to improve. Lose the weight, get into shape, read, gain skills employers want, get cultured.

If you are a relatively high-quality guy, you should be VERY picky. That means finding a woman who:

Is cultured, and from a good family
Is younger (under age 26 if possible)
Has a low N count and a history of LTRs. No FWBs, no ONS, etc.
Is reasonably attractive and charming: won't embarrass you at a party
Is ideologically and politically solid--no Neo-Marxist ideas, feminism, CRT nonsense. Ideally a relatively religious girl who isn't some postmodern nihilist.

Now it can be hard to find everything in one package. I met my future wife when she was 30, and because she was older, her N count was higher than mine. However, she was from a very good family (wealthy), was very cultured and intelligent (went to a top university, played violin, etc.), was cute, very charming, and politically/ideologically moderate. Wanted to have children.

So I compromised on a couple things, but it worked out.

LooseIndication · 2020-09-08T05:32:07+00:00

Losers want people to not have standards, but still to be considered better than competitors.

Women that tell to men what men should prefer, are psychopathic abusers, pretending that other people doesn't have right to make his own choices.

If a person chooses you as partner because he doesn't has standards, then you aren't better than any other person, and can't pretend to enjoy his loyalty. He will cheat freely, even with worse people than you, since he doesn't has standards.

JohnDoe9564 · 2020-09-08T04:32:17+00:00

Hiring a private investigator is the best way to predict how your partner will act in your future together.

Title	How picky should you be when picking a life partner?
Author	KickKathleeenKennedy
Upvotes	23
Comments	79
Date	September 8, 2020 4:24 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/ion2v9/how_picky_should_you_be_when_picking_a_life/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/how-picky-should-you-be-when-picking-a-life.212167 https://theredarchive.com/post/212167

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