I feel like I’ve failed at live because at 27, I’m unmarried and childless.

Uncommon_Sense_12345 · 2018-10-12T12:50:12+00:00

I don't know if you are a man or woman, but having kids so your mom can be a grandmother and is nagging you is not a good gameplan for a happy life. It is your life and not your mom's.

I too felt guilty about chosing not to have kids, but at the end of the day I would be raising them not their grandmother.

Marriage is not right for most people and one of the best ways to ensure that your marriage fails is to marry because of financial pressure.

Get the other people's voices out of your head and live the life you want.

theambivalentrooster · 2018-10-12T12:57:29+00:00

Hey you know what will make you extra miserable? Having kids for someone else's reasons.

Here4thebeer3232 · 2018-10-12T12:51:28+00:00

At 26, my situation is not too different than yours in that I am unmarried and childless. But I do not see myself as a failure. You are still relatively young, and waiting till you are financially stable will make a lot of things easier than if you had kids earlier on. In my experience, for decisions like marriage and kids it is always better to wait a bit longer and get it right the first time, as opposed to rushing into things and realizing a few years later you dont actually like the person you are with. I dont plan on having kids till I'm older than 30 for these reasons. Plus there is so much more I want to do in life that I won't be able to with children.

What else do aside from work? What are your passions? Goals that you have aside from a wife and kids?

Dubslav_von_Chekem · 2018-10-12T12:53:59+00:00

That life script's never going to work for you because you're not from the strata of society that readily achieves financial security. In fact, there is a very decent chance you will never achieve financial security.

If you are from the level of society where you're buying a house after a single year of work in any place in the country except New York City or California (and there, you can rent any place you want if you really want to), then the calculus is significantly different.

Get married. Have children. Don't worry about the finances - you'll never get there. Save as best as you can.

Good luck, I mean it sincerely.

And if you believe in reincarnation, perhaps things will be better next life?

condorama · 2018-10-12T13:29:30+00:00

Am 28. People with kids seem miserable.

crackrocksteady7 · 2018-10-12T16:00:16+00:00

I feel great because I'm 27 unmarried and childless. I have so much money my main question is what to do with it

LewisCross · 2018-10-12T13:06:23+00:00

The question every person should ask themselves is:

What do I want?

Do you want kids? Doesn't matter what your mom wants. What do YOU want? Do you want kids?

Do you want to get married? Yes, I know you want secured finances and blissful happiness. But know that "happiness" does not always mean "bliss". It can mean many things.

You seek marriage if and when you want it. You have children if and when you want them.

Dissentient · 2018-10-12T13:13:33+00:00

I feel exaclty zero pressure to follow the LifeScript^TM, and I have no desire to marry or have children at all.

I've been telling my parents that they aren't getting grandchildren since I was 12. How my friends and acquaintances choose to live their life is not a concern to me.

If you do actually want to have children (because you want it, not because of social pressure), then definitely wait until you are financially stable. At least for the sake of your child. Growing up in a financially unstable household is not fun.

MercedesBenzoAMG · 2018-10-12T12:53:34+00:00

Do you actually want marriage and kids or do you just feel pressure from friends and family to rush into it? That's something very important you gotta be honest with yourself about. So many people enter into these things for the wrong reasons - because it's something to tick off a list, not because it's a genuine desire.

If your mother has four kids she will probably get grandkids whether you have children or not. And it's not your responsibility to provide them in any case.

Stop thinking about what other people want you to do and ask what is it you actually want?

“We are all alone, born alone, die alone, and — in spite of True Romance magazines — we shall all someday look back on our lives and see that, in spite of our company, we were alone the whole way. I do not say lonely — at least, not all the time — but essentially, and finally, alone. This is what makes your self-respect so important, and I don’t see how you can respect yourself if you must look in the hearts and minds of others for your happiness.”

-Hunter S. Thompson

Yourstruly777 · 2018-10-12T14:03:39+00:00

I had my first kid at 46. Not married.

LUClEN · 2018-10-12T16:17:08+00:00

You're letting someone else's desires dictate your course in life. If we accept that our happiness is tied to making our own dreams come true and satisfying our own wishes, then you're going to be inescapably unhappy pursuing things which are oriented towards making your mum happy.

kandyapplez · 2018-10-12T16:19:44+00:00

i'm 27 and don't feel this pressure at all lol. i'm living my best life with my giant disposable income and lifestyle that would be ruined by marriage and kids. i like that my relationship with my bf still has the lightness and optimism more typical of an early 20s relationship because were not thinking about ""THE FUTURE""" at all, were just fucking and hanging out and loving each other and that's good enough for me.

it helps that i'm not terribly maternal leaning, but i do want kids someday. honestly with the way technology is going i'm confident that in ten years if i want to pop out two babies i won't have any issues. don't buy into the myth that your eggs wither at 35, that's been proven to be untrue

frankcastlestein · 2018-10-12T13:09:11+00:00

That would be called "winning" you are winning at life. Babies suck and a spouse is bound to cause you as much stress as pleasure plus you have less money and freedom. Theres a little story my dad liked to tell I'm going to share with you. Once upon a time a prince asked a princess to marry him. She said no and they both lived happily ever after going on adventures, banging who ever they wanted and staying out late drinking booze. the end. The point is tell your mom to fuck off.

reluctantly_red · 2018-10-12T13:23:07+00:00

I feel like I’m winning because I’m 26 unmarried and childless.

My boyfriend and I both decided if we got married it wouldn’t be until I finished school, and there would be no children until I was 35 or so.

In my opinion my friends who are getting married and having kids aren’t financially stable enough to do so. Why would anyone want a kid when they have to rely on so many people to help you raise that kid in the first place?

I want a strong income by that point so I can give my kid a good life. To be able to give them opportunities instead of never being able to let them do anything simply because I can’t afford anything.

When I was younger I hated feeling alone or behind but now I’m so glad I didn’t get into a relationship so young.

Mr_Smoogs · 2018-10-12T12:51:45+00:00

My parents want grandkids too but I don’t feel any insane pressure.

Who exactly told you to wait until you are financially stable?

How did your previous relationships end? And are you seriously on the market looking for suitors?

Mr_White119811 · 2018-10-12T12:57:07+00:00

I have my own goals in life and as long as I am working towards them I am happy. Sure I have my ups and downs.

I have never understood this "Society Pressures Me" concept. I am my own man, and i would not sacrifice my own path just so that I can make society happy. Who ever "Society" is.

Sure my parents would like to see me in a relationship, but I would rather get with Miss Right rather than Miss Make My Parents Happy. And if I wasn't happy in a relationship, my parents would not be happy for me.

Would your mu really be happy, if she knew you had kids just to make her happy?

What is your purpose in life?

lefactorybebe · 2018-10-12T13:10:16+00:00

My boyfriend's mom wants grandkids so badly. Admittedly she is older, she's in her late 60s or early 70s, my boyfriend is 27. I don't feel any pressure (I'm 25) because I know that I'm nowhere near ready for that. I don't even know if I ever want kids or not yet.

Is this something that you actually want? Try not to focus on what your family wants from you.

I don't know where you are, but around me my peers aren't starting families. There are a couple of people I went to high school with had oops babies, but nobody's actually trying for all that yet. One friend of mine is pushing for having kids, and all our other friends think he's out of his mind, it's too soon (he's 27).

But really, is this something that you want or is this something you feel pressured to want from outside sources? If you don't actually want that, or don't feel ready, forcing yourself into it is just going to make you miserable.

ayeayefitlike · 2018-10-12T13:55:55+00:00

Nope.

I’m 27, and just freaked out my entire extended female family by announcing exciting news... not that my long term, live-in OH and I are getting married/starting a family, but that I’m moving 600 miles away to start a PhD, and going distance with my OH.

Yeah, we want marriage and family eventually, but not right now - there are too many things we both want to do/achieve before our lives start revolving around our kids. But I didn’t predict the panicked reaction of my mum and my aunts, who seemed to think I was throwing my entire future away for three more years as a student.

There’s a huge gap between their generations expectations and ours, IMO. It’s much more acceptable to go the road less travelled nowadays. Of my friend group, there is one married and one engaged couple, no kids and the vast majority are cohabiting happily with no rush.

cateml · 2018-10-12T19:05:11+00:00

Do you actually want marriage and kids? As in, if you imagine waking up tomorrow with a partner and children (with all the loveliness but also stress/restriction/gnawing mundanity that brings), or you imagine waking up as you are - do you really want the marriage and kids right now or are you kinda cool with it for a while?
Because you're all 'other people have done this' and 'my mother wants this' and 'I'm not doing enough with my life', but you don't seem to have any positive drives towards that situation.

Personally I feel pressure to have kids in the sense that I want kids. I have a partner so that bit is cool.
I'd like to see my mum being with my kids because I'd like to see my mum being with my kids, but its my life and she has to deal with it either way - she has a friend from working who is younger and has young kids, and she kind of grandparents her kids to an extent so she gets it out of her system with that.
Maybe other people have found happy balance in their 20s and its all dandy and lovely but.... I'm not other people, I'm just trying to live my life, comparing yourself to others is a losing game.
As for secured finances and blissful happiness in your upper 20s..... yeah no one has secured finances and blissful happiness in their 20s, if ever. OK maybe not no one, but its fucking rare.

chukb2012 · 2018-10-12T19:40:48+00:00

How is that failure? Keep on keeping on. Do you. Don't worry about your mom being a grandma. She'll have plenty of time for that. You're 27 not 47. Slow the roll. Get yourself an amazing career. Travel. Use tinder to hook up. Be spontaneous. Everything else will come with time. Don't do drugs, and don't become an alcoholic, and you're basically winning life. Go you!

darla10 · 2018-10-12T20:33:54+00:00

Repeatedly Drilled into my head by mom: Before 25: “don’t get pregnant” Day After I turned 25: “where are my grandkids?”

You still have time but not as much as ‘they’ say you have.

eyewant · 2018-10-12T20:41:53+00:00

Must be nice not having to deal with kids. Im jealous.

squidracer · 2018-10-12T21:17:14+00:00

Nope, didn't want kids in my twenties and still pretty happy with that decision. Sure mom used to pressure me, but now she has hope that my brother will give her grandkids to brag about on Facebook.

I lived with a single mom for a few years to test it out and see if i wanted kids of my own. Noooooooo.

DaphneDK42 · 2018-10-13T01:04:16+00:00

If you want to get married and have children (if its something you want, and not just because that's what people around you want), then you should go ahead and do it. Not wait for the elusive "financial stability". (and for God's sake none of those horrid super expensive weddings) You are still young, you have energy and the optimism of youth and don't have to live in a four bedroom house. That's what young families have done since always. Its part of the struggles of youthful couples which makes them bond together.

SpaceWhiskey · 2018-10-12T12:55:26+00:00

It’s certainly smarter to wait to have kids when you’re financially stable, but if you want to start a family what’s holding you back?

I’ve always known I don’t want kids, so while there are people in my life asking when I’m gonna “finally do it” I don’t feel ashamed, I mostly feel annoyed. Even if getting married and having children is something you want, don’t let other people shame you for your choices. They should mind their own business, doubly so since you want to accomplish these goals, talk about salt in the wound.

Just do you. My advice would be don’t have kids just for the sake of it, it’s a noble effort to want to get your finances in order first and vet a proper partner. 27 isn’t even old, I’d love to be 27 again! Try not to be too hard on yourself and in the meantime screw the haters.

AutoModerator · 2018-10-12T12:44:46+00:00

Attention!

You can post off topic/jokes/puns as a comment to this Automoderator message.
For "CMV" and "Question for X" Threads: Parent comments that aren't from the target group will be removed, along with their child replies.
If you want to agree with OP instead of challenging their view or if the question is not targeted at you, post it as an answer to this comment.
OP you can choose your own flair according to these guidelines., just press Flair under your post!

Thanks for your cooperation and enjoy the discussion!

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

wub1234 · 2018-10-12T13:08:12+00:00

I never wanted to get married, but I had the exact same feeling. I still have that feeling, although less so now that I have achieved some success in my career. I still do, though, feel like a failure to some extent.

I didn't really feel any pressure as such. I would just have liked to have had a family. I know I'm really good with kids as well. I've been teaching my friend's 9 year-old daughter how to play chess over the last couple of weeks, and she's picking it up really well. It didn't exactly make me feel broody, it's just enjoyable. I know there are a lot of responsibilities and challenges involved with having kids, but I feel that the positives far outweigh the negatives.

Anyway, it's probably not going to happen for me, so there you go, that's life, worse things happen to people.

blackedoutfast · 2018-10-12T16:05:31+00:00

I feel like I’ve been lied to- to wait until I’m financially stable to get married and have kids. That you’ll know when it’s right.

does anyone actually say this? the advice that most people give is that you'll never feel stable enough for kids, but you figure it out.

My mom desperately wants grandkids. She has four kids, one that is married and zero grandkids.

what do you want? please for the sake of your future potential children, DO NOT just have kids because your mom wants grandkids. she just wants something cute to play with occasionally and a reason to smugly humblebrag to all of the other old women she knows. 99.9999% of the time, you're going to be dealing with a kid and changing its diapers and listening to it cry and not getting any sleep and just being stressed out and exhausted.

DO NOT have a kid just to make your mom happy if you don't really want one. eventually this will lead to resentment and you subconsciously hating the kid for ruining your life. and this innocent kid who didn't ask to be born will pick up on it and it will fuck them up for life.

However, she wants it to be with the right person.

dude seriously stop worrying about what your mom wants. you may be 27 but if you can't take control of your own life and do what you want to do without letting yoir mom decide, you are basically still a child and definitely not mature enough to have a baby

Orange_Paisley · 2018-10-12T16:25:46+00:00

More and more people are delaying marriage and kids these days. You're fine, especially if you're male because you don't have the pressure of the biological clock that a woman has. If you're a woman, well, there is that pressure, but these days you can get IVF or extract eggs to use later in life.

DemonConsulting · 2018-10-12T19:28:19+00:00

I mean there are two layers to this. Fist of all, what do you actually want? Do you feel unfulfilled because you're not married and don't have kids or is it just outside expectations? If it is the latter then ideally you should ignore it and live the life that makes you happy - your parents expectations for you don't mean shit because ultimately you're the one living your life, not them. They gan make changes in their own lives to be happy if they want (and let's be realistic, with 4 kids, the chances of grandchildren are very high anyway).

If you personally really want marriage and children right now/ in the near future, what are you doing to achieve that? What have you done so far? Obviously those things don't just “happen“, it might be time to realistically examine how it can fit in your personal timeline, not just as an abstract concept by society but as part of your actual life and set priorities accordingly.

For example you say, you want marriage. Are you in a LTR with someone who you intend to marry and who wants to marry you too? What aspects of marriage are the most important to you, what specifically is holding you back? In the vast majority of cases there is no real reason why you have to be particularly well off to get married, at least if you're both in a similar financial position, you could literally go down to the courthouse and sign the paperwork.

If you want children, what level of financial security are you hoping for/ do you consider necessary and how realistic is it that you will achieve that within the next ~5 years? It might be necessary to focus on this and/or adjust your expectations. In general, finishing your education and/or having at least one parent in a secure job (by today's standards, not babyboomers') that will cover health insurance, rent, food, etc. for your household is probably the minimum goal that should realistically be met before having a child. Anything beyond that is great but some ideal scenarios might not be realistic. For example to expect to own a house, pay off your entire student loans, be at an advanced stage of your career, or have “job security“ in the sense that you'll never have to switch ever again (you should instead ideally have an education + work experience to have opportunities once a switch is necessary).

In general the only way ahead here is to be proactive, figure out what you really want, ranked by importance and potential time-limitations, then make a personal plan how those can be achieved and/or what can be compromised on. “Blissful Happyness“ doesn't just happen and never really has in the history of humanity - even the original fairy tales don't feature it, that's how absurd the notion is.

ssbmrai · 2018-10-12T22:59:14+00:00

It's true that society lied to you. Everyone is told that they can put family life on hold to get their perfect job and career. But what society didn't tell you is that not everyone is fit for that kind of life. Not everyone can do it and feel good about it afterwards.

poison-fang-blade · 2018-10-13T03:02:10+00:00

Does anyone else feel this insane pressure to have marriage, babies, secured finances, and blissful happiness happen in the window of your upper twenties?

I'm 28 and I don't know exactly if what I feel is pressure, but I do feel a bit left behind, even if I'm in no hurry to get married and never want to have kids. My main social circle is composed of 6 people, 3 of them are married, one has been living with his gf for almost a decade now and one moved out of the country to live with his gf. All of them have been stable at their jobs for about 5 years and my job record can't even be called a "career" and myself and 5 of the 6 guys have graduated in the same year.

Willow-girl · 2018-10-13T05:22:52+00:00

It's not good to have a life mission that is dependent on the participation of other people, because then if they fail to cooperate (or even show up at all), you're screwed.

The good news is that when you're doing interesting things with your life, other people tend to want to tag along.

Khiv_ · 2018-10-13T09:25:47+00:00

That's funny, because I'm 27, unmarried and childless, and feel like I've succeeded at life because of that.

weag5l · 2018-10-13T12:42:16+00:00

Well then you probably don't want to hang out in r/childfree LOL. Some of those people (It's mostly women, I think) sound a bit bitter, though. I think they're the roughly like female MGTOWs.

impuls1ve3 · 2018-10-13T14:14:13+00:00

Why bring a child into a dying planet

daveofmars · 2018-10-13T17:47:09+00:00

If you honestly think a family will make you happy then you're more than welcome to attempt to have one. I'm not sure your sex but a women at 27 is typically pre-wall and I'd assume you have some options.

But if you're feeling like you've failed at life in the general sense then perhaps more ground work needs to be done to get you in a better state of mind. Maybe it's loneliness, bad diet, no excessive, shitty job. Could be any of those.

Physiologist21 · 2018-10-14T06:08:08+00:00

The usual answer like anything in life, within reason, do what you want and fuck what anyone else thinks. You are ready when you are ready and that is the only thing that matters.

The real question is why do you feel pressured to do anything because of someone else? Answer that first and you can get rid of the pressure. Life is long, don't spend it being stressed out. Chase happiness not obligation.

Also my 0.02, it is much better to wait and build up your finances children and marriage are huge stressors, even the good ones.

Pastelitomaracucho · 2018-10-17T20:00:29+00:00

Wait until you are 45, divorced with kids that don't talk to you and an ex wife that would rather see you dead. And that all the people who pressured you into starting a family will be nowhere to be found.

Now THAT will feel like a failure.

TheGreasyPole · 2018-10-12T13:57:40+00:00

I didn’t get married until I was 33, and didn’t have kids until 34. But I’m a guy.

If you’re also a guy, you’ve still got plenty of time.

If you’re a gal, you’ve got time... but perhaps not quite “plenty”.

I didn’t feel the pressure you talk about. But, again, I’m a guy. I was also in a very stable relationship at 27 that had started when I was 24 and was clearly going to lead to the marriage/kids thing.

A lot of this depends on where you are now and your sex.

If you’re a gal, and are not in a relationship right now, it’s time to go get your guy.

If you’re a guy, and in a 2-3-4 year relationship already with a good gal, you’re right on track so far as I can see.

TranquiloRush · 2018-10-12T14:13:43+00:00

Wait until you're in yours 30s and unmarried and childless.

Not only do you stop caring about it, but you stop caring about human beings in general.

RedPill-BlackLotus · 2018-10-12T12:50:37+00:00

Happiness comes from within

beachredwhine · 2018-10-12T13:34:53+00:00

Yeah you are a failure. Better start working on this you've barely got time to go the family route. Also ppd is not a very good place to get advice on anything. It's filled with losers.

321PK · 2018-10-12T16:06:09+00:00

Idk that I’ve ever felt “pressure” from anybody like family or friends to get married or to have kids. To finish school definitely. That was non-negotiable. I do think there’s an unspoken feeling tho that if you’re perpetually single then there is a problem.

zeppelin445 · 2018-10-12T17:28:11+00:00

This comment section really shows how many selfish and irresponsible people visit this sub. LMAO!

This sub is like >90% blue pillers.

Title	I feel like I’ve failed at live because at 27, I’m unmarried and childless.
Author	ChrismaKwanzukah
Upvotes	20
Comments	99
Date	October 12, 2018 12:44 PM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/9njy9r/i_feel_like_ive_failed_at_live_because_at_27_im/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/i-feel-like-ive-failed-at-live-because-at-27-im.259501 https://theredarchive.com/post/259501

Comments