sexual/partner insecurity

Slipthe · 2021-06-07T04:54:16+00:00

Consider what you want out of dating.

If she's giving you more time and attention, more promises and commitments, then you have something the DTF guy doesn't have. You are higher value to her. If you weren't she'd be chasing someone else.

Your frame is all messed up. Your end goal is sex. Not the relationship. Which is why you're comparing yourself to one night stands. And I'll bet a lot of these 'hoops' you're unjustly being put through are various ways of spending time with her that doesn't involve sex. What a bore.

This is something that women say but men don't really get: there are men women will have sex with that aren't good enough for a relationship.

Men should be able to understand this analogy, because they do the exact same thing with slutty women.

taapy234 · 2021-06-07T05:09:21+00:00

How can I get past this?

There's no hard and fast solution here.

Blooops here will tell you to cultivate conscious naivete attitude so that you "don't think too much" about women's past to deal with it. They will give you every possible justification to excuse alpha fucks/beta bucks nature of women to the point that even questioning this female behavior will get you labelled as a muh soggy-kneest or some other bullshit shaming label at you.

Are you willing to give up your critical thinking faculties in exchange for having blissfully ignorant one sided relationships with women? Believe it or not, LOTS OF MEN in real life actually prefer this rather than being alone and have a turbulent personal life.

If you ask me, I recommend you have your own universal reasonable standards for all women. For me, I won't take a woman seriously for anything if she didn't show sexual interest in me within 3 days of meetup. This may be too small of a window for you so you could increase it to a week or two depending on your preference. (If you wait more than 2 weeks chances are, she's definitely fucking some other guy behind you while leading you on so cut your losses by that point)

KirthWGersen · 2021-06-07T05:03:26+00:00

One way to look at it is it that timing really matters.

If you are the guy who meets her just after she has split up with her last boyfriend, in the right context, who just happens to look like that sweet first boyfriend of hers (or her father!), when her friends are encouraging her to start dating again, it may be handed to you on a plate.

But if you meet her at a time when she is preoccupied with other things in her life, don't quite look like her type, etc. it may take considerably longer to establish trust and intimacy.

It is not necessarily any reflection of you, it is simply contextual.

WestsideMoonWalker · 2021-06-07T04:55:53+00:00

Whenever I meet a woman that I’m interested in dating I constantly think about the possibility that there is a man that had to jump through 0 hoops to have sex with her, while I have to go through all sorts of hoops to even bring the possibility of a serious relationship to the table

First two things. This only applies to people that are interested in casual relationships.... and it's highly logical for someone to want the person they are going to be with longer-term to meet certain standards.

How can I get past this? It’s a very disturbing thing to constantly be thinking about and with each girl I’ve talked to in the past few months I often wonder if one of her male friends had sex with her relatively easily before she met me and if he’s secretly laughing at me jump through hoops just to enter a relationship with her.

By not giving a fuck? This is horribly neurotic. Legit would be more productive to just shut off your brain than to indulge this. If you don't care for the person enough that you WANT to put the effort in, don't date them. Plus.... as someone that has had sex with someone like, right after meeting them before, why would I ever give a fuck about what other people do with that person after the fact, lmao. Nobody is laughing at you.

I know it's not good thing to thing to think about, but I really don't want to be someone's second choice. I don't want to be the guy someone settled for because the man they really wanted didn't reciprocate.

How can you even be sure this is the case? But the obvious answer is to go and develop yourself into someone that IS capable of being a person's "first choice". If you are able to get what you want, why does any of this shit matter? Hint: It doesn't.

Nation_of_Two · 2021-06-07T04:58:02+00:00

If this is really eating you up inside, get therapy.

Novadina · 2021-06-07T06:50:58+00:00

Your view on relationships is really odd... do you feel this way about making friends too? Like it’s not fair you have to “jump through hoops” to have a friend?? If you don’t think that, why do you think a relationship with a woman is somehow different? Maybe instead of trying to extract sex out of a woman by jumping through hoops, just try to get to know a woman? Sex is often just a natural thing that two people who like each other a lot desire to do together. A romantic relationship is just a more intimate friendship. Getting to know someone shouldn’t feel like doing tricks to get something, it should feel like getting closer to them, everyone should be enjoying the process. Maybe you aren’t hanging out with women you actually like?

milkyymochii · 2021-06-07T04:55:33+00:00

Males do the same shit. They will be on their best behavior and put far more effort and care for a hot ass girl than an ugly girl. Males value women pretty much exclusively on looks and treat them accordingly. The prettier the better treatment. Males openly admit ALL the time that ugly/average women are invisible to them

So women can say the same thing: “I wonder if he was even nicer and sweeter to the last girl because she was prettier than me. What if how he treats me is totally connected to how he values me as a person?”

This is life. Humans treat other humans based on what we assess is their value. Males and women are valued by a plethora of things.

fyhrhvgh · 2021-06-07T05:25:06+00:00

Honestly, whenever a topic like this comes up most women proceed to argue in bad faith and gaslight. It’s very interesting.

The whole Alpha fucks/Beta bucks scenario is easily observed, and it’s hilarious to see women deny its existence.

The reality is that your gf/wife has busted it open for a another man, and that man had to put in a trivial amount of effort compared to you.

Do what you want with that info. For me it’s made me skeptical about the nature of male-female relationships and as a result I refuse to get too involved.

Remember that Robert Dinero quote from Heat?

“Never get involved with something you can’t walk away from in 10 seconds or less”

Words to live by.

mimblezimble · 2021-06-07T05:05:02+00:00

If there are men in her past who in a zero-effort approach got into her pants, there will also be such men in her future. Therefore, beware of any future arrangement in which you automatically accept responsibility for her pregnancies, such as marriage. It is obvious that you want to keep your distances. You simply cannot trust what she says. Don't believe her.

PlayfulLawyer · 2021-06-07T05:51:31+00:00

Well unless she's a virgin or has a body count of like one or two , the odds are that there are some dudes that she fucked that didn't have to put in a whole lot of effort, that's just how it is these days and that's the mentality that you have to have going in, that itself will make things easier for you.

As far as things you can do to help improve, make her learn your best effort, and think of yourself as a prize as well if she doesn't show any enthusiasm towards you in terms of sending you a message out of the blue to see how you are, or doing sweet gestures for you or here's the big one if she makes you wait just a little bit too long for sex and then doesn't do it with enthusiasm, that's the kind of woman that you're talkin about that you want to avoid, other than that you just got to kind of do what you do

tickledpic · 2021-06-07T11:24:51+00:00

Whenever I meet a woman that I’m interested in dating I constantly think about the possibility that there is a man that had to jump through 0 hoops to have sex with her, while I have to go through all sorts of hoops to even bring the possibility of a serious relationship to the table

Then you are not actually desiring an LTR. If you would want an LTR, why would you care that other people got something different with that person quicker?

Sounds like your actual desires are about sex and you pretend you want LTR because you don't think women will agree to have sex with you if you don't offer LTR.

That's the only way it makes sense for you to feel bad about jumping hoops - if they get what I want (sex) without hoops (multiple dates) then they have a better deal.

But when a person wants an LTR they also want dates, so at that stages dates are not hoops to jump through. So you are simply lying about your desires. I suggest you stay true to your desires and be truthful about them.

Personality, I date only after sex. I don't know if I want an LTR with a girl before sex so I stay true to myself and I'm also truthful about to the person I'm talking to.

ToughAnswers · 2021-06-07T04:47:15+00:00

It's current year that's just what's on offer.

How about just not committing...then it doesn't matter how quickly she let someone else fuck her.

Whoever you fuck, you'll fuck without pledging not to fuck others

Simple-Craft-9577 · 2021-06-07T05:30:42+00:00

Talking somewhat from personal experience, what helped me was substantially increasing my notch count. Like super high. Now, the only reason I vet a girl’s past is to evaluate her capabilities to become a strong partner. I don’t feel weirded out by the fact that other men may have gotten to have sex with her immediately after meeting her. Mostly because I’m convinced that I could have as well, if I wanted that kind of a relationship with her.

I’d recommend tagging these questions as Q4M. Women don’t think the same way that men do. And vice versa. You need the perspective of a man to deal with a situation like this.

If you think that you would rather stick to your current approach of abstaining from casual sex, either try to radically change your perspective about women and LTRs. Or perhaps try to become a monk. But seriously, take it from someone that was in a very similar position like you, try and play the field a bit more.

PS: Everyone, at some point of time is being laughed at, by someone. Jeff bezos was laughed at during his divorce. You think he gives a fuck whether Joshua from north Minnesota laughed at his divorce ? No right ? Try and be the guy that has so much value to himself, that even if your girlfriend’s past ONS is laughing at you, when she puts up a photograph of you both on social media, he secretly wants to be like you because you have so much going on for yourself.

You are not alone. The male mind and raw instincts have not evolved as fast as the sexual market place. That’s why you abd millions others feel this way. Just try to work through it in a timely fashion. Good luck to you !

mechanical_elves · 2021-06-07T05:37:12+00:00

You can expect more than a guy who would have been her fuckbuddy or ONS.

If you're in a committed relationship, you're supposed to get at least the hot fuckbuddy sex AND more. You jump through the hoops, and let HER worry about proving it's worth it for you. If she fails at that, pull back and let her know, if she continues to faill at that -- stop.

Note: this would work for any chick even if she never had a fuck buddy.

makemesomething · 2021-06-07T05:40:00+00:00

If you're jumping through hoops that "relationship" wasn't going to go anywhere. You're jumping through hoops because you're choosing to do so. The guys you see putting "no effort" and getting pussy for "just existing" are most of the time simply being straight up and direct with their interactions, offering take it or leave it ultimatums and getting what they want and not giving a fuck if they don't. You're not doing that but instead making it some kind of RPG game or quest.

It does not have to be.

How can I get past this?

The only way to truly get over this is to sleep with more women yourself. Anything else would just be cope for that insecurity which is simply mere jealousy over other guys.

You're never going to be anyone's first choice in life. Just like the woman you eventually marry won't be your first choice. People can meet new people every single day, your best friend one year, can be the person you only get updates through new Instagram posts a few years later. The woman you were infatuated with can be someone you used to know later. We change completely from what we used to be all time.

Either way, if being someone's number 1 is truly what you seek, then based on your mindset the only women that fall into that category would be the ones who sleep with you on the first night of meeting. That's gonna be the world you create for yourself.

midwestufohunter · 2021-06-07T06:30:07+00:00

This is extremely common and did not exist for any other generation of men.

thelajestic · 2021-06-07T07:11:48+00:00

a man that had to jump through 0 hoops to have sex with her, while I have to go through all sorts of hoops to even bring the possibility of a serious relationship to the table

These are very different things. Random sex is meaningless - why would there need to be hoops? You can fuck and never see them again.

A "serious relationship" involves bringing someone into your life and sharing things with them. It's far more intimate and has a far deeper potential to bring hurt and pain. Why on earth do you think anyone should do that lightly? It's a far more serious undertaking than having a quick shag.

Maybe instead of aiming for a serious relationship, you should aim for some NSA sex. You might then find you start fucking someone, you both fall for each other, and it can become a relationship. And you won't feel so bitter/resentful because you got that casual sex in the beginning.

sootlord · 2021-06-07T11:47:23+00:00

Whats you age?

You do need to understand/accept is that your always going to be a woman's second choice in today's dating market. Majority of women have had more wild sexual situations than most dudes will ever attain in their lives, this in itself is why you don't jump through hoops. This is what I do as a 28 year old man; keep your dating cheap af and make THEM wait for sex. You'll vet out the ones that are really into you.

You need to self reflect in what your goal is in dating. Do you want kids? Do you want marriage? Do you just want FWBs. What works best for you and you alone. Your obsessing over someone's else's past while your not focusing on yourself.

There are no saints out here OP only sinners.

Bandit174 · 2021-06-07T11:58:06+00:00

Yeah I feel the same way about it. Just completely kills my motivation/excitement towards dating.

superlurkage · 2021-06-07T05:00:32+00:00

Of course you will feel this way if you see a relationship with a woman as an unpleasant and unwanted obstacle to an end, instead of as the end in itself

TheBookOfSeil · 2021-06-07T04:53:51+00:00

Sounds like you have to deal with your personal insecurities in general before attempting to be in a relationship. If you feel inadequate next to some dude that you don't even know and have probably never met before, then you're basically creating reasons for you to be insecure, which I don't know if you want to be insecure or not because it's easier to create a strawman than it is to address your own lack of substance, but that's what it looks like is the case here.

fyhrhvgh · 2021-06-07T05:54:50+00:00

Honestly OP, just have sex with as many women as possible(safely), break as many hearts as you can and be the douchey chad for awhile.

After awhile you’ll be numb to the bs relationships bring.

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skunkbear444 · 2021-06-07T06:19:04+00:00

Red pill infomercial writes itself.

Good-Strong · 2021-06-07T07:02:38+00:00

Maybe accept that she's an adult human with a sexuality, and that sexuality most likely means she has had sex with a few people in the past (just like you), and enjoy getting to know her instead of thinking of that process as "jumping through hoops"?

Imagine how stupid you would (rightly) think a woman sounds if she says she keeps thinking of the women who have slept wit her potential partner for "less effort" than she is putting in.

The idea is that you actually enjoy the getting to know each other, and spending time together process, instead of just seeing it as "jumping through hoops" , and that too not to have sex WITH her, but to "get" sex FROM her.

Having the latter mindset described above guarantees unhappiness and failure when pursuing serious/long term relationships.

gimpgirl555 · 2021-06-07T08:17:00+00:00

Whenever I meet a woman that I’m interested in dating I constantly think about the possibility that there is a man that had to jump through 0 hoops to have sex with her, while I have to go through all sorts of hoops to even bring the possibility of a serious relationship to the table(FYI, I'm not saying that I shouldn't have to jump through hoops, just that it's disappointing that there are men that don't and that these men often end up being "mistakes" in the mind of the woman i'm courting).

What if we told you that she have sex with those men again on the same terms?

How can I get past this? It’s a very disturbing thing to constantly be thinking about and with each girl I’ve talked to in the past few months I often wonder if one of her male friends had sex with her relatively easily before she met me and if he’s secretly laughing at me jump through hoops just to enter a relationship with her.

The guy isn't laughing at you, but the girl is. She's thinking "lol I can't believe this guy is putting so much effort in. I wonder what else I can get him to do?"

I don’t care about body count, it’s just an effort thing. If I have to jump through 100 hoops but another dude just had to exist I feel incredibly discouraged and often lose interest.

He was the alpha male, and you're a beta male, that's just how it works.

I know it's not good thing to thing to think about, but I really don't want to be someone's second choice. I don't want to be the guy someone settled for because the man they really wanted didn't reciprocate.

It's either that or be alone. Most guys are never women's first choice.

You can deal with it by thinking about how she is not your first choice either.

orangishflowers · 2021-06-07T12:42:39+00:00

I'm curious about the deeper feelings you have associated with the other men having sex with woman easier. What does that feel like? I want to understand you.

It sounds similar to applying for jobs, some people don't even have to submit a resume or application, it's just offered to them. Does it feel like that to you, where it's just unfair?

Does it reflect badly on the woman like her value system is messed up?

Or insecurity? Like she didn't really want you as much as the other guy and it hurts?

Apprehensive_Boat_70 · 2021-06-07T13:32:53+00:00

Whats so good about them that you already consider them a potential girlfriend in first place?

vov1n · 2021-06-07T13:33:31+00:00

My solution is to not invest anything besides little bit of time before getting pussy, I don't invest even after that because idgaf, but if you want LTR then "reward" her after sex.

Keep investment minimal or zero, if girl is into you she'll be down for it and don't listen to stupid bullshit females and bps will tell you here.

xFallacyx69 · 2021-06-07T13:38:54+00:00

I mean, that obviously means you two aren’t compatible. If you’re ready to have sex with her LONG before she’s ready to have sex with you. She’s applying different rules to different people and is inconsistent. It’s not a matter of “she fucked him with 0 effort”… it’s literally that she’s putting up barriers for a reason… if that reason is that she only wants to monetize her sexuality, time to bounce. If that reason is based on something another dude did to her, time to bounce…

You’re not around to fix what other dudes did, just like she’s not there to have sex with you only because other chicks won’t.

Set up how you want to be treated, and if she doesn’t agree, bounce.

SaBahRub · 2021-06-07T14:53:11+00:00

You see sex as a validation of yourself that also diminishes your partner, not an enjoyable act that you share with a person you like

Have fun with that

rft24 · 2021-06-07T15:27:56+00:00

then just stop dating, because you’ll never know a woman’s past unless she tells you.

or you can stop worrying yourself with things you cannot control. use that piece of advice in all areas of your life, not just dating. worrying about things you can’t control makes you feel powerless and takes up mental energy you could be putting into pursuing a woman you actually like.

Title	sexual/partner insecurity
Author	Environmental-Mud706
Upvotes	3
Comments	119
Date	June 7, 2021 4:45 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/nu456v/sexualpartner_insecurity/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/sexualpartner-insecurity.781326 https://theredarchive.com/post/781326

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