Why We Pick Difficult Partners

GinSmokeLies · 2018-02-01T01:38:48+00:00

This is a pretty mild example but I think it fits with what you're talking about.

I grew up with two older brothers who teased me relentlessly. They made fun of EVERYTHING I did: how I chewed my food, how I held my pen, how I pronounced certain words, how I was built, etc etc. They aggravated me so much, but they were also my heroes and deep down I thought they were hilarious.

As a result, I have trouble feeling loved by a guy who doesn't tease me a bit. Not straight up mockery and verbal abuse, of course. But mildly annoying jokes and poking light fun at my quirks adds a playful quality to a relationship that I really enjoy and would be kind of confused without, I think.

Jammerly1 · 2018-02-01T04:37:31+00:00

My childhood template effected my friendships as well as relationships. My mother was untreated bipolar/ BPD, who was abusive at times and emotionally dependent on me for everything as a child. I became a second parent to all my siblings bc our fathers were either absent, or present but abusive, childish, or completely irresponsible. I would literally wonder as a child why the fuck they were even there bc they literally contributed nothing yet always had demands and just got my mom all hyper. They came and went as they pleased.

I spent a lot of time rescuing my mother from herself. She was always being over responsible and trying to help everyone at the expense of herself and her kids and then lashing out at everybody.

As a result, I’ve “rescued” a lot of chaotic female friends who’ve turned around and stabbed me in the back first chance they got. I’ve got a lot of general anxiety about having friendships with women at this point bc some of them really did me dirty. As much as TRP thinks I hate men, I’ve probably had way more trauma from abusive friendships with women than romantic relationships.

I can honestly say the guys I have dated were all over the map as far as attractiveness, social class, race, or particular quirks, so it’s hard to determine if I have a singular dating pattern.

However, i think my relationship with my father probably effects my overall viewpoint toward men in that I definitely think most of them are useless, selfish, entitled, irresponsible, emotional children who can’t see past the end of their own dick and don’t try to.

I also resent the fuck out of any guy who tries to “frame control” me with nonsense, especially if it’s just to obscure the truth, deflect responsibility, or completely hypocritical. Men love to require things from women they’d never bother to do themselves. My father was a master at this when he was young but as he got older I think most women in our community got hip to his bs. He only dates sad overweight white girls now who endlessly dote on him for reasons I don’t understand. TRP is pretty much the embodiment of this principle. It’s been a problem bc guys usually figure out quickly that I won’t bend on certain things and could care less about their manipulative nonsense and I think it makes them feel emasculated and threatened so sometimes they bounce with their tail between their legs. A lot of times bc it’s I’ve told them something about themselves they don’t want to hear, but I have no use for people who don’t want to live in reality or are only there to take from me to stroke their egos.

ArthurMacArthur · 2018-02-01T01:42:44+00:00

My father has without a doubt deeply affected my perception of men and my relationships with them. I knew very early on that I did not want to be married to a man like my father, for lots of reasons. However, growing up in that environment and learning how to navigate it and become accustomed to that kind of life, with that kind of man... there was never any way that I'd be happy with a "happy wife, happy life" kind of guy. I don't want to be married to a man like my dad, but I also don't want to be married to a man who's uncomfortable around a man like my dad. I couldn't possibly respect a guy like that, and would despise him because of it.

Mr. Arthur isn't a "difficult" partner, at least for me. He'd probably be a difficult partner for lots of other women. But I'd probably be a difficult partner for lots of other man, so it works.

destinaito · 2018-02-01T01:55:00+00:00

My mom was somewhat cold emotionally, had very up-and-down-mood-swings, I can specifically remember the two times she's hugged me in my life (one time was just for show), and I was never sure if she ever even wanted me as her child (more than a few times she made some kind of threat of putting me up for adoption or sending me away to an Uncle or Aunt's place)

WELP

RockinSocksII · 2018-02-01T02:20:33+00:00

Could people also be capable of picking partners who gave them what they lack from their childhood?

tiposk · 2018-02-01T02:27:10+00:00

This might not be a popular opinion, but I mostly agree with what I just heard. I have some experience with psychology. I have both received and witnessed people undergoing therapy, and this was a common theme.

We don't form these templates consciously and there usually isn't an obvious relation between our childhood and the issues we have with our partners. However, small events we see as children might affect our relationships as adults. People whose parents where inattentive usually fell in love with unrealistic and unavailable romantic prospects. Women who had, let's say, a cheating father or a father who spent too much time at work, had a tendency to stay with cheating husbands or emotionally absent men. Some avoided men at all, and in other occasions, they would obsessively look for supporting non-cheaters only to discover that theirs newly-found SOs are in fact unsupportive and big time cheaters.

If someone is boring it means they are "unlikely to make me suffer in the way I need to suffer in order to feel that love is real."

I don't think this is what it's meant in the video. The video implies that we tend to rationalize our lack of attraction to people that don't treat us as we want by calling the boring, unsexy...

We prefer to readjust the way we interact with a partner who hurts us instead of pragmatically just finding someone who doesn't conflict.

The video says that this is what most people would suggest, to find someone better, but this impractical. Instead, we should learn how to deal with the people we're attracted to. This is the part of the video that I disagree with. If your spouse is violent or puts you through much suffering, I'd tell people to try therapy instead. Therapy might be hard, but it might help you to deal with these underlying issues that attract you to unsuitable partners.

Scatre · 2018-02-01T01:40:32+00:00

I hate that channel and all the pseudo-psychology/philosophy it spews. Don't want to learn about something in depth? Watch this cute animated video and pretend it's all mighty truth.

aNationofTwo · 2018-02-01T03:09:37+00:00

The school of life videos are childlike and simplistic but I agree with the overall message here. We pick partners who feel like family. For many many years I tried dating guys who were the opposite of my dad and ...that did not work out. My brain is hard-wired in ways that I cannot change and I just have to work around it. This may be what drew me to the Red Pill last year and why I glommed onto in for so long even though I knew rationally that it was false- Red Pill philosophy appeals to women with daddy issues. "Must appease the angry male in the room," she thinks again.

haunting-you · 2018-02-01T02:18:54+00:00

hm, i don't know that i experience this to any strong degree... at least, i've never dated someone that acted like my parents or family did to me. most of the first guys i dated were primarily picked because they were there and a way for me to escape my home life, to experience something different and distant from that. they weren't great guys so i guess there may be some comparable traits, but i don't think that had anything to do with why i picked them.

i remember that when i was younger my parents often had a really joke-y and jovial relationship with each other a lot of the time, though, and i do seem to see that as most desirable now. sort of in a Roseanne-y and also playful way, some sarcasm, some silliness. i think that's the extent, though.

edit: i do tend to want people around who are really laid back and kind; thinking on this again, it's possible that instead of looking for that template, i look for the opposite and seek out really nurturing people.

MyPasswordisPutin · 2018-02-01T11:47:00+00:00

I don’t think anyone would disagree that childhood affects how we are in adult relationships. It’s just to a greater or lesser extent dependent on the intellect of the individual. I really believe you can use your own intellect to recognize these things and change or redirect your own behavior in a more positive way.

I’m not into “difficult” guys. I mean, affection and cheerfulness was abundant in my house when I was growing up so it’s my default setting. I can easily see that I pick guys similar to my Dad in terms of personality. The main thing I’d fault my parents for is being stricter with me than they were my brothers. My brothers I love and I forgive them for torturing me.

Dubslav_von_Chekem · 2018-02-01T12:21:53+00:00

we're not being forced into a relationship by... dynastic imperatives

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

"unlikely to make me suffer in the way I need to suffer in order to feel that love is real."

Suffering is fun. This seems obvious to me.

How do you think the 'templates' of childhood affect our relationships?

My fragile ego demands constant but conditional stroking! I have a pathological need to be Beta Bucks - I don't think there's much use fighting it. I think I'm the shit, and so should she. My romantic gestures, if they can be called that, come in two forms. The first is for me to make a tribute to my own greatness. Dates ought to be magnificent. If there's a mood I want to inspire, it's awestruck. I want to exult in power! I want to show off and brag! A chance to flex my provider muscles sends an electric jolt down my spine. Let me be worldly, sophisticated, connected. Let me stride the world as an invincible Prince Charming, indifferent to the blows of the world, reducing the challenges of the world to dust with a snap of my fingers, and I will be happy.

What are the sexiest words I can imagine?

"Your will be done, my lord."

I want to be her Beta Bucks with all my heart.

The second is thoughtful gestures and the usual fodder of romance. I can only do these ironically. Shitty gifts, insulting pick-up lines delivered with a wink and a smile, stuff like that. I'm not made to be a AF, I'm afraid. I can't seduce.

Bridezilla? I am the Bridezilla.

I fear unconditional love. A gesture of unconditional love, delivered from deep within the heart... this would probably destroy me. Or her. I would melt like the Wicked Witch.

PBRScagsquad · 2018-02-01T01:40:25+00:00

I think it will affect what people will and will not tolerate in a relationship and what they look for in a partner to an extent, I think it's more likely to have an effect on people who are psychologically unhealthy.

DaphneDK42 · 2018-02-01T02:40:08+00:00

We are drawn to people with fallible traits because it is familiar to what we experience in childhood.

I'm drawn to a nice face, firm tits and a big ass.

crumblesnatch · 2018-02-01T02:51:54+00:00

Hm. It's an interesting thought.

The conflicts I've dealt with in relationships are not dissimilar to my parents'. My parents have been together 40+ years, and I can see echoes of their relationship in mine and my sister's. My sister is about a decade older than me, so her childhood was more influenced by my parents' early marriage dynamic. They were middling MC at the time, living in apartments, struggling a bit to make everything come together. They tried not to fight in front of my sister, but she eavesdropped on arguments and knows they slept in separate beds for a while. My sister's marriage, perhaps accordingly, is visibly contentious. My brother-in-law is a sweetheart who never says a word, but my sister can go on a tirade. Very strict and exacting, especially of her husband's behaviour.

On the other hand, by the time I was born, we were an UMC family - my dad's career took off, mom finished school and started her own. In my lifetime, they've had a quiet, warm love that comes from a deep understanding of each other's needs and personalities. They support each other to do greater things than they could do alone. My marriage has some influence from that dynamic, for sure. My mother's very feminine, definitely vain and a bit self-absorbed, but the only thing she adores more than herself is my dad. I definitely have always had a similar point of view toward my husband (and toward my father, come to that): I think he's the best man in the world. None compare. He deserves the best from me.

Personality-wise, I'm more like my father: i.e., he and I have aspergers. In my parents' relationship, my mother does the kind of busywork and social coaching for my father that my husband tends to do for me. He makes sure I remember people's birthdays, and prevents me from doing one thing for fourteen hours straight without eating, and tells me what the hell I'm supposed to say to people at work parties, and points out when my face is doing weird things in public, etc. I'm probably a difficult partner on that basis, but thankfully he seems to find it cute.

My parents have a good relationship, and my parents' relationship with me his pretty good. My husband and his parents have similar relationships. My husband and I are happy in our marriage too, but correlation doesn't always mean causation, so who knows. It's possible (and I think more likely) that observing successful marriages gave us the skills to manage our own marriage, rather than any deep Freudian effect being at play.

Willow-girl · 2018-02-01T12:22:15+00:00

The good news is that the cycle CAN be broken.

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BisquitBill · 2018-02-01T01:37:52+00:00

This is a moronic OP. Let's see whY

The OP says:

We are drawn to people with fallible traits because it is familiar to what we experience in childhood.

Very conclusive especially considering everyone is imperfect.

If someone is boring it means they are "unlikely to make me suffer in the way I need to suffer in order to feel that love is real."

No, that's a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you want things to fail, they will fail.

So I suppose this is just a launching point of discussion. How do you think the 'templates' of childhood affect our relationships?

Like I said, this OP is moronic. Stop trying to pigeonhole people into gender roles, templates and pills.

aqStorm · 2018-02-01T02:12:52+00:00

In my case i am not even attracted to damaged women, it's damaged and abused women who are drawn to me

notworthmuch20xx · 2018-02-01T02:13:42+00:00

I have never felt the urge to pick a "difficult" kind of partner

ki0diattributi · 2018-02-01T03:30:59+00:00

I believe in reincarnation, so I think we have a mind and soul that persist through time. This mind can receive and play with an idea in one lifetime, be profoundly impacted by it, and wake up in the next lifetime, wanting to explore and re-examine this same idea.

If you see a bias within the mind whose origin cannot be traced to childhood, it may be pre-existing within that mind, prior to its incarnation here. Similarly, many of our childhood events are unconsciously 'staged' by these biases, so even if we can trace something to childhood, we were already dead-set on 'acting that out'. We can point to the childhood experience, and conclude that this was the origin of the impulse, but our mind was already gravitating towards this even before that experience. The experiences even of childhood are often in some way mysteriously aligned to our preferences and biases.

That's why, for example, people can talk as if they were raised with a strong taboo against sex, but really it was only an inchoate uncomfortableness and polite suppression around the topic, which they interpreted in a stronger way, because of a pre-existing bias within their mind towards, for example, sexual unworthiness. Often times you can find relatively mellow expressions within the parents being interpreted in extreme ways by the children, indicating the child has a pre-existing sensitivity to the topic that was profound. Conversely you can find extreme expressions in the parents which the child, because its bias is not particularly impacted, can receive as benign or non-harmful. The early life is a sort of canvas on which children can paint an interpretation of events which is of their own choosing. Within certain limits of what actually exists, of course.

JustAnotherOmegaMale · 2018-02-01T06:36:03+00:00

This video forgets about the people who can't pick at all. Some of us end up with difficult partners because we'll take whatever we can get and don't have the backbone to go without love.

ToxicPossum · 2018-02-01T06:58:16+00:00

My mother was violent and I lived in fear of her for most of my childhood, she abandoned me when I was 12.

I grew up scared of people, especially women. When I finally got into a relationship at the age of 27 my partner became violent within a couple of years. I married her and put up with it for a few more years because I was so scared she would leave me.

MercedesBenzoAMG · 2018-02-01T09:55:25+00:00

Very Freudian. Probably true for some people, especially those who grew up in dysfunctional households, but certainly not as universal as the video tries to make out. There are people out there who are emotionally and mentally healthy and had normal loving families ya know. I mean I've not met many, but they exist!

As for me, like I said in another comment, if anything I look for the opposite of my mother in my romantic partners.

bunniebell · 2018-02-01T12:29:04+00:00

Logically, we (in the common family dynamic) spend our whole lives with our immediate families. Even when growing up and moving out, the family can be a large part of your life. It only makes sense that our formative years would shape us into seeking out a certain type of partner.

I fought my own disposition for certain types of men, because I wanted to be “normal”. Once I finally allowed myself to be at peace and follow my heart, I was much happier.

reluctantly_red · 2018-02-01T12:48:17+00:00

Damn, some of the people here had messed up childhoods. Mine was just the opposite I always knew my parents loved me and that they would always be there for me if I needed them. However, I was a shy fat kid so I guess I was always attracted to other outsiders. The problem is most outsiders seem to be way more messed up than I am.

wtknight · 2018-02-01T13:13:30+00:00

Most average to below average men just pick whoever happens to be attracted to them these days. Analyses like these seem more fitting for people who have a choice in their eventual partner, mainly women and high-value men who finally want to settle down.

that_other_person1 · 2018-02-01T16:30:19+00:00

What about the video was condescending? It seems like you felt the video was addressing you personally. I really like watching these school of life videos. Sometimes they’re a bit dramatic, but it’s nice to see how they view life through their emotional perspective.

I had a very healthy childhood. My family moved around a few times, but I don’t think it has effected me too much. Perhaps it has made me not look for friends as much as would be healthy for me, as I feel like they won’t last or be good enough. I don’t truly remember what my friends were like, because I didn’t know them on a deep level. This made me feel distant.

So I suppose in this way, this has made me long for a partner that I can know on a deep level. This was almost certainly going to happen in a relationship as an adult, but it is more true with my husband than I could find in most other men.

My childhood has made it so I didn’t want to date or meet people. I was the one who always made plans with friends when I was a child, and I didn’t really feel like there was much commitment from the other side. So, I hated the idea of dating for this reason, along with not liking the hook up culture for myself (I figured out I’m demisexual). Small talk is uninteresting and makes me feel distant from people. I was afraid a guy I’d go out with would be put off by my ideas or I’d play teacher for him. To have a guy on my level seemed unlikely.

I met my husband online, analyzing topics as I like to do. If I hadn’t met him, I’d probably still be single, or I probably would have met someone else online. We talked in a way I always long to talk about, in a way I couldn’t talk to someone in real life probably.

He isn’t difficult at all, our relationship is full of open communication, and he’s very calm, like my dad is. He’s not too similar to my dad, but I’d say his overall demeanor is.

I know my overall healthy childhood has impacted the way I view relationships, and I wish that people that weren’t lucky enough to have my background would get help if needed, or can learn along the way the relationship structure that works best for them. I have said that it would be cool if there was a ‘psychology for relationships’ class you could take in high school to raise your chances for acting in healthy ways in relationships (as friends or potential partners or family).

mistercheeez-o____O- · 2018-02-02T00:44:35+00:00

This thread is like that part in the Breakfast Club when the bully does his rant and everyone starts coming together after lol. I'm getting dem feels!

1UPZ_ · 2018-02-02T10:26:41+00:00

this is applicable for young people or for people looking for their first serious relationships...

but for those that have been divorced or have been in relationships with difficult partners.... the perception is vastly different. Finding that person that makes your life easier and more enjoyable is the one thing that they crave.

Therefore I believe the OP's theory is really about young people still trying to figure out what they want....

but once they've matured or experienced what they DON'T WANT or a very negative or difficult experience with someone... they realize that being with people that make you worry less, enjoy life is the way to go...

phdinfunk · 2018-02-03T17:33:51+00:00

Most likely, you're going to pick someone with some deep traits similar to your parents, whether you realize it or not.

In my case, I didn't even see it until I was almost 40 and had a 5 year old niece. I watched my parents interact and lets just say, their "shit" is exactly what I have "had to deal with" in partners and even people I've worked with in business arrangements. There's some deep commonalities, despite huge apparent differences.

It's pretty simple psychology. But yeah, I hid it from myself for a long time, LOL. I think most people do.

EDIT: I skimmed the rest of the replies and people are sane enough to realize this is the answer to OP's question.

Yay! Today /r/PurplePillDebate passed a basic sanity check!

Hystericalprince · 2018-02-01T01:53:00+00:00

The school of life is some serious crap.

Title	Why We Pick Difficult Partners
Author	whichbladeN
Upvotes	18
Comments	127
Date	February 1, 2018 1:24 AM UTC (8 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/7uf2rr/why_we_pick_difficult_partners/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/why-we-pick-difficult-partners.263759 https://theredarchive.com/post/263759

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