She filed today I’m lost

Ok-Barracuda-8970 · 2024-02-02T20:22:23+00:00

The pain never goes away but it does get better

MrCleanWI · 2024-02-01T21:50:12+00:00

I hate to say it, but get used to that lost feeling hang around for a while. If you can get yourself a therapist, I suggest doing it otherwise you're going to tear yourself to pieces trying to think over everything. It's a bitch and it doesn't get any easier. At least not for a while so find yourself some help.

6-demon-bag808 · 2024-02-01T05:01:43+00:00

I hate to break it to you, but you're just screwed. Lawyer up immediately. The system is designed to break fathers and husbands. There is no good news here. Your life as you knew it is over. However old you are, you are hitting reset now with less money

Old-Place2370 · 2024-01-31T21:26:29+00:00

Sorry you’re going through this OP. I too went through this pain & having a child with my ex didn’t help either. It does get better I promise. But for now you just have to live in your pain & embrace it. You’ll feel 1000 times better in 3 - 4 months. Trust me. I went from being miserable to having fun again in that time. Time will heal your wound.

dnbndnb · 2024-01-31T20:36:29+00:00

It it’s becomes even remotely hostile carry a VAR every time you’re near her. Try to keep communication to email (or text if necessary) to establish if she is hostile & uncooperative, or is weaponizing the children against you.

Physical-Pie748 · 2024-01-31T19:16:12+00:00

what was her reason for divorce? because shes unhappy or what? yeah, as always.

Classic_Dill · 2024-01-31T16:23:20+00:00

You’re gonna get more than enough advice in here and I guess I won’t add to the same thing over and over, but I will tell you this. It’s something I realize it made me feel at least a smidgen better, you’re gonna do everything you possibly can to protect those kids and keep a smile on their face, but you need to realize something right now, you cannot save them from the trauma at least not all the trauma that they’re going to have to go through, you’re just gonna have to be there and support them and if they need, you be the dad, they need you to be, but there is no way for you to actually save them from all of the trauma that happens during the divorce, it is what it is, you have to do the best with what you have. Remember 55% of married couples have to go through this in America now. You are not alone! My divorce was one of the single best things in my entire life, sure, I get lonely from time to time, but it’s better than being with somebody that I shouldn’t, but the kids had no silver lining, it’s always going to bother me, but it had to happen, my partner was a cheater.

Embarrassed_Emu_1865 · 2024-01-31T13:35:00+00:00

Take care of you! Give yourself permission to be sad! When I was first given the news, I found whiskey and mj helped. Get yourself through…don’t make any decisions right now!!! Just cope, the initial thing to do is survive, because you just took a big hit. You gotta experience the first wave, then you can start to work through it. Don’t try to fight for an answer to your situation, just accept that it’s happening and feel that pain and betrayal because it will awaken you to who she really is. Then you can approach the situation more logically (with a lawyer!) than if you were feeling the initial wound. Don’t try to reason it away from her. Accept it as her clear communication, and now you take action to protect you and your kids’ interests. She WILL overreach if you let her. The person you married is gone. You now are dealing with someone whose interests cross over and impede yours.

broakie212 · 2024-01-31T11:18:06+00:00

Take it one day at a time. IT IS NOT THE END of the world. You had a life before her you’ll have one after her. SHE IS NOT the only woman in the world.

All of us in this group been in your shoes seek out friends and family, and don’t forget you have a big support group in this forum.

One day at the time, start by re finding who you use to be before she tried changing who you were. Start doing the things you use to like doing.

upvotersfortruth · 2024-01-31T10:56:32+00:00

Read the complaint
Get a lawyer
Talk to someone
Compartmentalize and self care to the best of your ability
Take not less than half of any cash in joint accounts
Change all passwords and log out of shared devices
Get a PO Box and have everything you still get by mail sent there
Cancel credit cards to which she has access
Create a safe and secure space for yourself in the house unless and until your lawyer says you can move out
Don’t show her your pain
Don’t beg for reconciliation, unless it’s strategic to buy you time
Stick with the bros here, the collective experience is unparalleled

S4z3r4c · 2024-01-31T10:42:29+00:00

There's no obligation to do anything. You need a clear mind before your next decision. In the hierarchy of needs you require food, water and safe shelter.

keencone · 2024-01-31T06:46:46+00:00

IT.GETS.BETTER You don’t have to feel it or believe it right now, just survive-the-suck and keep telling yourself that over and over.
It really does.

iamnotyoutoday · 2024-01-31T06:26:17+00:00

no, you are not lost.

you are you now.

i understand the pain ... currently going thru that. my ex will NOT win this.

it is so painful.

everyone goes thru this. just be patient. don't take rash actions.

Sthompson1965 · 2024-01-31T06:24:43+00:00

It’s a dark place and time in your life and will be for a period of time. I don’t know how long we are all different. Get a lawyer and a therapist, perhaps later a divorce coach. you wont have an appetite or sleep, unfortunately normal. Be honest with the kids even if some of this maybe your fault (I am not saying it is). There will be a light eventually after all this, difficult to believe now but I promise there is. You will need to have some communication because of the kids, but have no other communication other than that, this will help you move on. Everyone is here for you.

Rad_dad247 · 2024-01-31T05:09:07+00:00

Speaking from a father like myself that won majority custody and child support(even tho now it just goes to my daughters college fund), do NOT move out. The courts see this as a dad leaving the moms and kids, no matter if you say u moved out to process/mental health etc. legally she cannot kick you out, at all. Sleep on the couch or spare room if u have one. If you leave the place where the kids physically sleep every night it affects your custody. Now if she leaves and takes the kids, then now you have rights to ask for the house or to have more custody of the kids bc it’s where they were used to before the split. Hit the gym, enjoy some things that your wife despises that you do(like guy hobbies etc) as long as ur spending time with ur kids while ur awake, play all the video games or tv u want when they’re asleep of course. Get a lawyer asap and make sure it’s a family lawyer, preferably male that understands fathers rights. Grab a notebook and hide it in ur work commuter car or somewhere she doesn’t look normally and make times and dates of anything suspicious or anything u can use in court(like threats, full text conversations, hotel receipts, bank statements, etc). Do not do anything out of norm financially. If u normally pay bills, continue to pay them, but u can still cut her off anything that comes out of ur paycheck like gym passes, extra subscriptions, etc if u don’t have a joint account. Best of luck to you boss. Hit the gym, fix a car up, build a computer, take the kids fishing. Enjoy life.

berzerker5000 · 2024-01-31T04:50:56+00:00

This is the beginning of a journey through shitsville there is no getting around it. It will test your strength in all ways, even your will to live. I could barely talk to my kids about it without breaking down. They are too young to be that upset but it does show. It affects them deeply but they cannot articulate it. I feel their suffering and it kills me. That’s why I can’t talk to them about it cuz I see their little face and I can’t. But in bits and pieces along the way, we have talked enough and they understand. The old saying what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger rings true. Once you get through this you will know yourself better and be better. In the meantime, appear strong, when you are weak. When you are alone, let yourself grieve. Loss of love is a great loss. Do not underestimate the time it takes to heal. You will have days where you feel free and happy, and other days of loneliness and despair. Recognize it as part of the journey and don’t beat yourself up. Join a men’s group. Be with others as much as you can, when you can’t be with your kids. Also research research research so you strategize yourself through this next very ugly phase to protect yourself legally and financially.

Issomeguy · 2024-01-31T04:32:47+00:00

Iisten to most of the advice here, use your own brain of course, hugs brother. What seems like the bullshit line of one day at a time... That's how it be my dude.

Fuck em You'll get there

upfnothing · 2024-01-31T04:30:18+00:00

It may sound cold but be grateful it’s only a filing. Many of us were destroyed in many additional ways. The kids can learn that mom wasn’t happy and that you can’t force someone to stay in a marriage or relationship. You have to stay on your grind cause there will be some incredibly tough times on the road ahead!

bluephotoshop · 2024-01-31T04:04:07+00:00

Do NOT move out and leave your children behind. It will affect your custody sharing. YOU are also entitled to sleep in the master bedroom. If she objects….it’s up to her to sleep somewhere else.

Signal-Dot2326 · 2024-01-31T03:45:03+00:00

The only thing that matters right now is you and your kids, she's now your worst enemy and will not hesitate to destroy you mentally and financially

Sensitive-Ad-1773 · 2024-01-31T03:29:46+00:00

I’m in the same boat man - 3 young kids, wife has told me papers are imminent. It’s been 2 weeks since she dropped the bomb. I can only share some of the steps I’ve taken which have begun to give me some piece of mind, many of which have been informed by this community. Compartmentalize..Spend time with your kids. Be the stable force in their lives, it is of the utmost importance. Give yourself some grace, and get ready. Information is power. Figure out what is most important to you, I’m assuming it is your children, and figure out a way to protect your interests. Get a lawyer, the best one you can find, and get ready to fight for your life…that is literally what you will be doing for the foreseeable future.

Take the first couple days to feel bad for yourself, that’s natural and completely ok. But then be a man of action, and someone you and your children will be proud of. Take the high road, don’t roll around in the muck.

SoCal4247 · 2024-01-31T03:29:06+00:00

You don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you. Keep that in mind. This is your time change your life.

gorillavstiger · 2024-01-31T03:24:10+00:00

While it will be extra painful I suggest you and your ex get a plan together for telling the kids.

This will be burned into their memories for a very long time, if not forever. Best not to blame one another but simply state that you two, while you love them unconditionally, simply can't be in a romantic relationship anymore.

Console them, answer any questions they have about the future honestly, and just be very present for them.

The conversation with my kids telling them we were separating was easily one of the hardest moments in my life, I was just glad I could hold them and comfort them as best as I could.

Bluerednaz · 2024-01-31T03:18:35+00:00

Take care of yourself. The best that you can anyway. It’s the best thing for you.

Women in these situations will make the husband feel like dog poo and not blink an eye

Android_1234 · 2024-01-31T03:16:56+00:00

Take a deep breath and splash some cold water on your face. Pick out a few sights, sounds, and smells you can identify in your environment to ground yourself.

This is going to be possibly the hardest thing you've ever had to do in your life. I am also very fresh into the process and never dreamed I would be having to figure life out again.

I did not have any children so I cannot imagine that extra pain, but I'm sure they will appreciate utter honesty. Tell them the things that caused this and also have a game plan of how things are going to look for them going forward.

Read through this sub and take the suggestions for recovery to heart. Eat well (once you have an appetite again), exercise, be around family/friends, do hobbies, etc. Self care and pouring love into your children during this time will be critical. Please know you are not alone in this process and all of us here have some variation of the same trauma. It will not be easy, but you can do this.

Title	She filed today I’m lost
Author	Obviously_not_mymain
Upvotes	37
Comments	54
Date	January 31, 2024 3:04 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1af7im5/she_filed_today_im_lost/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/she-filed-today-im-lost.1244236 https://theredarchive.com/post/1244236

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