What is it about cheating that is so traumatizing? is it social conditioning?

cloudydays84 · 2022-01-27T15:40:06+00:00

Now I understand the part about breaking of trust and feeling betrayed,

especially if this person still had your back and did everything they could as your partner.

So they did everything they could as a partner... except that they didn't?

Any_Championship_654 · 2022-01-27T15:46:34+00:00

The breaking of trust and betrayal is so traumatizing because it shatters some part of your world view and might even shake up the foundation of how you see yourself as a person. It forces your mind to restructure itself on some level, which is especially bad if you've developed a comfortable, stable model of the world around you.

Other reasons that tie in to what I said above, is that the subject of your affection has shown you objective proof that you are not good enough for them. Obviously cheating hurts less the less you care about the person you're with.

A controversial take I heard somewhere (this doesn't apply to everyone all the time) is that in general, men are more hurt by sexual cheating and women are more hurt by emotional cheating. It makes sense from an evolutionary point of view, men would be more damaged by raising someone else's offspring, and women would be more hurt by their partner investing his resources caring for another woman. Subjectively I can see that being true, I'd rather my GF fall in love with some other dude than find out she's been fucking someone else with no emotions attached. Both are ground for breakup but one hurts a bit more on a visceral level.

NarniaFox · 2022-01-27T15:50:18+00:00

Get cheated on and then report us about how non-traumatizing it is.

If you really want to have an honest question, it is mostly about trust, intimacy and security. If you can't trust your partner to hold their word and promises, if they've cheated on you once, then there's a life of suspicion ahead of you. Do they really have a lot of work today or are they fucking someone? Do they really have to go on a work trip or are they fucking someone? Maybe they have kids on the side you have no idea about or what if your kids aren't really yours? What if they've caught something? What if they're fucking you right after they've fucked their side piece, would you want to go down on them in this case? What if they leave you?

You can argue that if they "just have sex", they won't leave you or that they can always use protection and whatnot, but we don't live in an ideal world, we live in a world where people fuck up regularly and where we might never know whether another person is honest or not. We judge them according to their behavior and cheating is one of the strongest indicator of being infantile, untrustworthy, unreliable, lying, fickle, treacherous etc.

CFinCanada · 2022-01-27T16:01:19+00:00

Doesn't physically hurt them? My mom had a friend in Amsterdam who had a female friend who died because her cheating husband contracted HIV and gave it to her.

goatismycopilot · 2022-01-27T16:19:49+00:00

It can be humiliating and cause emotional damage especially if it is done in a very public manner, it can result in disease transmission, it can unleash other chaotic behavior that causes damage or pain.

Feisty-Saturn · 2022-01-27T15:42:07+00:00

When people break promises to you, that hurts. Especially if it’s someone you really trusted.

It could also feel violating. I follow a girl who talked about her bf cheating on her. From what she heard he did this unprotected. At the time she was pregnant. He would then go on to have unprotected sex with her and risk her health as well as their child health. That’s traumatic. To realize that the person you probably trusted the most, the person whose suppose to protect you is actively doing things to harm you is hard to cope with. It also makes you question yourself, on how you missed the signs.

jonrah69 · 2022-01-27T15:44:44+00:00

A lot of cuckold content in the sub the past few days

januaryphilosopher · 2022-01-27T15:55:18+00:00

Most people date monogamously and are strongly driven to at least want their partner to be monogamous. Cheating goes against that.

figuringMylife · 2022-01-27T16:11:42+00:00

as someone that’s very socially liberal/go with the flow - idc about “cheating”. i would never cheat and i would prefer a mate that never would never cheat but idc. my thoughts are it’s about an alignment of mindset.

the problem is loyalty. i’m very loyal. i have integrity. if we have kids, is he courting this other woman? taking his precious time away from his responsibilities? giving away money that could go towards their college funds? time and money that could be put into our empire? just choosing to do the wrong thing to suit his desires when he has a perfectly capable wife at home that would do anything for him?

disgusting and primitive. all over some random pussy.

but yeah i kinda agree, idc if other people cheat or w/e.

Dell_Hell · 2022-01-27T16:21:47+00:00

I think the traumatizing is the longer term, not just "a one time drunk f@ckup" situation.

It's the friend/acquaintance you knew set off your warning bells, and you ignored them or let yourself be talked out of them.

It's every time they were late or going out without you and you swear you saw something and brushed it away - only later realize that it was "deceiver's delight". The person you loved was getting off on the fact that you bought their bullshit to go fuck someone else. They used your trust in them to pull the wool over your eyes.

It's that you thought your partner getting in shape, new sex moves, and stepped-up grooming routine was to help put the spark back in your bedroom, only to find out it was all for someone else instead the whole time.

It's the thought of them both laughing at the stupid excuse you bought for them to go be together - again.

It's realizing their best stopped going to you, and started going to someone else.

It's the creeping suspicions you had, but everyone here on Reddit screaming you're an absolute monster who deserves to be beaten to death for going through your partner's phone convinced you not to do it.

It's the thought of them giving oral sex to someone else, then coming home and giving you a big, wet kiss with just a hint of those juices still on their tongue.

It's knowing sex with you during the whole affair was just "duty sex" to make sure you didn't get too suspicious.

It's when you finally see all the evidence on their phone - how your partner insulted you, seeing their words, reading out the things they did with them they have never done with you, the sexy erotic pictures they shared and can never fully get out of your head ever again.

It's all the little lies that all come crashing around you when you find out how long you've been buying their bullshit.

They made a fool out of you over and over and over again - using your kindness, insecurities, and trust to do it.

That's why it hurts so f@cking bad. They flagrantly used your own love and trust for them to hurt you.

flapperfemmefatale · 2022-01-27T15:42:36+00:00

From my perspective, it's just a clear message that your partner doesn't respect you and actually gives zero fucks about you.

Laytheblameonluck · 2022-01-27T17:23:34+00:00

Yes, it's about social conditioning, moreover it's about power - sex and power dynamics in a relationship, and perceived loss of it.

Esther Perel, in mating in captivity discusses "The shadow of the third", it's described here:

https://www.oneretreat.co.uk/shadow-third-paradoxes-monogamy-part-2/

So cheating has to do with this "Shadow of the third" and it's effect on the power balance in a relationship.

She also wrote a book on cheating, called "State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity", in which she prefaces that monogamy used to be about choosing one person to have sex with, whereas today it's about choosing to stop having sex with other people, for one person.

There's been a great gender powershift regarding cheating. It used to be widly asymmetrical toward men - women were socially outcast for cheating, whereas men could be married and visit the knock house, and they would be less socially outcast, and wives often secretly knew their husbands were doing it.

Today, this has swung wildly in women's favour. Women can cheat via AF/BB while married men visiting prostitutes are divorced and ostracised.

Subsequently, cheating has been escalated as a wrongdoing, even though we are now less monogamous, and particularly in early life, cheat more.

In summary:

Q: Are there any secrets to long-lasting relationships?

A: Infidelity. Not the act itself, but the threat of it. For Proust, an injection of jealousy is the only thing capable of rescuing a relationship ruined by habit...The threat of losing their partner may lead them to realize that they have not appreciated this person adequately...If someone threatens the relationship, they get jealous, wake up for a moment, have another kiss with the horny tusk, and get bored once more. Condensed into a male heterosexual version, the situation runs like this:

Afraid of losing her, we forget all the others. Sure of keeping her, we compare her with the those others whom at once we prefer to her.

From "How Proust Can Change Your Life" by Alain De Botton

Reference: https://www.penguinrandomhouse.ca/books/38356/how-proust-can-change-your-life-by-alain-de-botton/9780679779155/excerpt

cast-away-ramadi06 · 2022-01-27T18:58:59+00:00

Trust is the social lubricant that allows us to function in groups. Lose that and things get ugly, quickly.

sarkington · 2022-01-27T15:43:56+00:00

Feelings obvs

Or possesssion

wtknight · 2022-01-27T18:11:58+00:00

For men it’s about innate cuckolding fear. For women it’s innate fear of losing her husband’s support and resources, partly for her but mostly for her offspring. Women don’t have as much of a problem with polygamy if they live in a society where a man can have multiple wives if he has the wealth to support them, for instance.

Artistic_Guest4386 · 2022-01-27T18:37:23+00:00

just hurts dunnit

Diddy_1978 · 2022-01-27T21:41:37+00:00

I agree. Cheating is overrated. I am not saying that it should be disregarded altogether, but it is a piece of a puzzle, made of many other pieces, in a relationship. Do I want my partner to be monogamous? Sure. At what cost? Bitterness, hate, regrets, sadness, dissatisfaction, constantly nagging for sex if I don’t want it (or vice versa, does he want me to be monogamous if I am clearly desperate to feel desired and he doesn’t desire me?). If we are friends, loving, happy on everything else, have a house, children, our families? Personally, I think sex with someone else is the least of the problems. That is a solution for a missing piece of the puzzle

NoRoperino · 2022-01-28T00:45:46+00:00

Found the cuck.

moresleepy1 · 2022-01-28T09:30:46+00:00

when you cheat on a partner you don't respect them. you can love someone and not respect them but then they are reduced to the status of a pet. You love your dog or cat if your a good owner you take care of them but you don't respect them or their autonomy.

Cheating is like finding your partner happily torturing an animal to death. it completely changes your prospective on them and you wonder how can someone "normal" do this? how could I have not known?

And the thing about women accepting physical cheating better than men. That is just a women who has decided to make her relationship transactional. A man normally doesn't have this option cause he is expected to be the breed winner.

Slootando · 2022-01-27T16:29:46+00:00

It’s an evolutionary instinct ingrained in men, to be revolted at the prospect of getting defrauded into raising another man’s spawn.

Vtridolla · 2022-01-27T15:44:57+00:00

It’s really just lying. I think a more interesting point that perhaps you’re trying to make is what is the purpose of monogamy? Why do we feel compelled that this is the only way? Why has society taught us love is constricting and not freeing? Etc.

DerekMorganBAU · 2022-01-27T17:43:20+00:00

Maybe I was born with a couple wires loose but I would love to be cheated on and find out so that way I could just cheat on them back and once I got caught I’d just laugh and shrug like “oh well thought we were in an open relationship now”

Too bad I never got cheated on I did all the cheating myself ugh

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EdessaKandros · 2022-01-27T15:57:54+00:00

The more you invest into a relationship, the more hurtful a betrayal becomes. My boyfriend had a woman who cheated on him and it gave him lots of insecurities he needed to let go off when he was with me. When someone cheats on you especially when that person has an important role in your life, the more it affects you in more ways than one when you separate. If you live with this person for example, you need to find a new place and that might affect you financially. You have to face embarrassment from family. Potentially being subjected to rumors. The difficulty of dating in the future. Everything you invested into the relationship goes down the drain in an instant. It’s almost like fraud.

chromie96 · 2022-01-27T16:07:46+00:00

If you trusted someone and made a comment to to them with terms that both parties agreed upon to remain monogamous, then it is a huge breach of trust and that alone can be traumatizing.

John_Oakman · 2022-01-27T16:24:29+00:00

Betrayal is one of those things that hurts on a fundamental level, this being displayed in almost every society dishing out the most heinous of punishments for treason and (mostly back in the day) regicide.

DisturbedBurger · 2022-01-27T16:41:16+00:00

Betrayal, omission, emotional investments returned with a facade.

lowlifedougal · 2022-01-27T16:47:53+00:00

beyond the trust and betray nonsense we have to explore it at the evolutionary biological roots. I believe it hurts so much from a female pov, because it signals a diversion and stratification of resources/provisioning away from her and her offspring

From a man pov, it signals a potential liability which could lead to investing in offspring thats not his own. It also signals genetic death

TomorrowsWar · 2022-01-27T16:58:17+00:00

do you somehow believe feelings aren’t real or something, I’m curious

If you have been in a relationship or if you grew up in a home with a good family, then I imagine you know how love works. Sometimes people are born with mental limitations or defects, in which case I would understand why you’re confused and it’s not your fault.

Love and relationships create physical reactions in our bodies. Your brain helps create and regulate these feelings. These are human responses and you may not see them with your eyes but they are physical responses in your body. These have been studied and observed.

When you get cheated on, your brain processes that information and reacts. Those reactions vary on your own brain, body, and perspective. No one reacts the same, we are not robots. But the common physical reactions have been observed to be not good.

Now some people, like I mentioned earlier, have emotional limitations, defects, or simply react differently.

So while Bob may not feel very impacted by his gfs infidelity because of his own perspective or internal reactions, Sam may feel physically sick and anguished. These are all based on their own biological and sociological builds.

You can read more here

https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/31199042/

https://psychcentral.com/health/long-term-psychological-effects-of-infidelity

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/rediscovering-love/201709/how-infidelity-causes-post-traumatic-stress-disorder

sine120 · 2022-01-27T17:18:40+00:00

- If you're raising kids, potential to lose tons of wealth and household earning potential, potential to lose half of your time with your kid or more. Coping with the idea someone of low moral character raising your child and exposing them to more people of low moral character.

- Potentially being exposed to STI's. You now (embarrassingly) have to go get tested. You might have thought you were monogamous but someone you supposedly loved has exposed your junk to the world at large.

- A hostile unknown variable in your life. What is the affair partner like? Probably not a great person, maybe they're violent, a stalker or whatever. This unknown variable is now attached to your spouse or partner and clearly does not have your interest in mind.

- Loss of trust in and benefits of a partner. You will likely experience "trickle truthing" which wrecks your perception of reality. You had a contract that potentially represented half of your life including your socialization, your sex life, financial security etc. This loss of trust may extend to future partners ruining your own later dating prospects.

- Embarrassment/ loss of self worth. You're now known in your group as the person who got cheated on. You're now known to yourself as less than your partner's affair partner. That hurts. Very likely during the affair your partner was a shitty partner. People report less sex, less affection, less quality time. Learning the reason why hurts.

SuperSupremeKai · 2022-01-27T17:28:48+00:00

If it was social conditioning, we would have been desensitized to cheating right about now.

Many people are, whether they were the cheating party or the cheated on.

Insidious-Sid · 2022-01-27T18:14:59+00:00

For men, betrayal and a loss of the woman they competed with other men for and "won".

For women, betrayal and a threat to the resources they "won" which they were not planning on sharing with another woman.

Women probably hurt more. Men already know we've been settled for and love is conditional/transactional based on what we provide. But women, they want to know he's not just chosen her but rejected all other women FOR her. She wants to know she's "the only girl in the world".

"Tell me I'm the only one." they sing in song.

And of course, the sort of guys they're singing and writing shitty romance books about usually have loooooots of options. And maybe he's telling more than one woman she's the only one!

Fun fact: A lot of women seem to think men can literally will themselves to not find a more attractive woman than her attractive. They get uptight when a more attractive woman is in the room, they get upset if the man should "engage" with her socially, and they get downright catshit batshit crazy if she shows him an IOI (Indication of Interest).

I've been in those situations and the car ride home is a long and very quiet one, and "Do whatever you want I have a headache and I'm going to bed now." when you do get home.

What's wrong? - he asks

"NOTHING" she snaps as she stomps up the stairs.

Yeah. Nothing at all. lololol.

Women are very very jealous and very easily threatened by a woman she deems a rival or superior in looks. That's why women obsess about their looks the way they do. It's definitely not "for them" and "because it feels nice". What "feels nice" is being the prettiest gal in the room - and certainly not the ugliest.

Women also project their jealous minds and propensity to cheat and monkey branch onto men all the time too. Why are they constantly concerned he's going to cheat or just level up? Because cheating and levelling up are regularly recurring thoughts for her.

No_Regular1586 · 2022-01-27T19:48:42+00:00

For both genders it's because it is a betrayal, an ultimate lie. I can't speak for the female side, but on the male end obviously deep seeded genetic fear of being cucked. This makes sense, if some hot alpha fuckboy runs up and fucks your woman, you are now unlikely to be evolutionarily successful. Natural selection selects for men that are not okay with being cucked.

It's basically castration anxiety, because being cheated on is the ultimate form of emasculation. You are metaphorically castrating a guy by cucking him. If someone is better than you in every way that matters, i.e, taller, more muscular, more dominant, more confident, has a bigger dick, etc. and they steal the one person in your life you love the most because of that, it basically causes ego death. You have been outmanned, basically unmanned through this. Everything society and biology tells you to be, you are not. You are not a man anymore, you're now an impotent little cuck that has been thrown to the wayside. This is why guys react in such fucked up ways. Either they fetishize their fear of being emasculated (i.e, cuckolding, emasculation doesn't hurt if it turns you on), or you take back your masculine identity another way (fuck a different bitch to assure yourself that you are a man, kill her or the guy that cucked you to assure yourself you are a man through violence).

Basically to be cucked is to be emasculated, it is a direct attack on your masculine identity and your sense of self. Everyone you are supposed to be has been ripped from you, plus there's the pain of emotional betrayal. I'm going to be frank, I'm scared of getting attached to women because of this. I remember all those angry nights spend fantasizing about revenge on people that have betrayed me and I think, what happens when I get cheated on? It happens to almost everyone at what's once, so how will I react? Will I threaten the whore, and catch a charge? Will I kill them, and go to prison? Will I laugh and pretend to not care? Will I be too scared to do anything and regret it forever that I allowed my masculinity to be taken away from me? I shudder to think about any of it. Either I try revenge and fail, only to end up more pathetic, or I try revenge and succeed, only to ruin my life.

The inner incel in me cannot accept being cucked by Chad without some form of recourse. I just can't accept it without hurting them in some way.

hermetickingdom3 · 2022-01-27T20:48:19+00:00

There's a lot of things that are traumatizing that we have been socially conditioned to not express out of fear of being ridiculed.

A pog who has never even picked up a rifle after basic training can complain about PTSD and have an ear of sympathy.

Someone who has been dumped after having such an emotional bond will have less of an ear of sympathy. A person who can't even get a date because they are that ugly will just be ridiculed and gaslit.

tonyghow · 2022-01-27T21:04:07+00:00

How about a non-sexual analogy:

You begin a business partnership with someone and agree to be open and honest about financials. You gain a few clients and start making good money.

However, one day you find out that your partner has been charging clients extra and taking that surplus for themselves. Do you shrug and say, “well, it’s not traumatizing, it’s just frustrating” ?

Or what if your partner is skimming from your earnings and using that to prop up some other secret business they began months ago. Another shrug?

After dissolving the partnership, are you able to trust any future business partner equally, or do you make sure to put measures in place to prevent the fraud? Like monitoring all accounts and invoices?

sootlord · 2022-01-27T21:15:14+00:00

Its because you wrap your identity with someone and when they cheat on you. Everything you built up and your ego gets absolutely annihilated.

Love is just chemicals

lonely_mixtape · 2022-01-27T21:30:50+00:00

tbh. I don't fully get it either. I've never been in the position of being cheated on and I definitely think other's feelings are valid in how they respond to that type of thing, but I don't fully get why it's such a gut punch. I get jealous and stuff, and I probably would be mad too, but I don't get why it hurts so much or even why jealousy exists at all.

ginagj · 2022-01-27T23:25:04+00:00

It’s the fear that she will be better than me or I may lose my partner to her. It’s the competition and the lack of comfort. If he cheats he doesn’t feel like he’s mine. It’s me being selfish. It’s me being jealous and protecting my interests. If my partner has multiple partners does he have all the time and resources I want or need?

If a man can fulfil his current partners emotional and if she has his kids, financial needs that I guess you cannot really complain if he has another girl somewhere. Most of them do regardless of whether we like anyways.

-Virgo-Virago- · 2022-01-28T00:15:57+00:00

uh, the betrayal

42nanaimobars · 2022-01-28T06:26:02+00:00

Cheating is terrible

fungilense · 2022-01-28T12:03:18+00:00

My opinion: you enter into a relationship with someone you trust them. Unless it’s been discussed about sleeping with other people you both assume (by our monogamous society) that imitate act is reserved for the both of you. It’s just a betrayal of trust when your bf/gf cheats.

CFinCanada · 2022-01-28T12:32:37+00:00

Man abandons wife and 9 children for woman he is having affair with: https://www.yourtango.com/love/thought-22-years-and-9-children-was-enough-make-our-marriage-work-i-was-wrong

But yeah, cheating is no big deal...

xcheshirecatxx · 2022-01-28T13:19:33+00:00

Haven't you heard of stds ?

Cause I got one from my ex cheating on me.

So we'll pass on the "not hurting their partner"

What I don't understand is people who don't have sex at all with their partners, and don't want them to have sex with other people

Title	What is it about cheating that is so traumatizing? is it social conditioning?
Author	Mobrowncheeks
Upvotes	0
Comments	119
Date	January 27, 2022 3:36 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/se14uj/what_is_it_about_cheating_that_is_so_traumatizing/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/what-is-it-about-cheating-that-is-so-traumatizing.1097264 https://theredarchive.com/post/1097264

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