What's the FDS view on "reading" porn?

AutoModerator · 2022-03-01T18:48:27+00:00

[1] - We Just Launched a Website: wwww.TheFemaleDatingStrategy.com. Click here for registration information. Please also join our Twitter and Instagram Pages for updates!
[2] - Listen to The Female Dating Strategy Podcast
[3] - Please read the FDS Handbook and Wiki before commenting. Repeated comments demonstrating lack of basic sub knowledge will result in a temporary or permanent ban.
[4] - Please REPORT any comments that do not follow the sub rules. If you do not report it, the mods will not see it.
[5] - PLEASE REMOVE ALL PERSONAL IDENTIFIABLE INFORMATION from images (Name, Location, Job description, education, phone number, etc). Failure to remove ID info will result in a 1-2 day ban. Repeated failures will result in a permanent ban.
[6] - This sub is FEMALE ONLY. All comments from men will be removed and you will be banned. DO NOT REPLY TO MALE TROLLS!! Please DOWNVOTE and REPORT immediately.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

melympia · 2022-03-01T19:25:46+00:00

Considering I've read my fair share of erotic fanfics (and then some) and even tried my hand at writing (not exactly successfully), I'd say it depends.

If what he's writing is stuff you feel comfortable with (like, no assault, no rape glorification, no coercion, no degradation... and so on), I honestly don't see this as an issue. If, however, his writing contains things that would make you uncomfortable if they happened to you in real life, I'd say it's a hard pass. Does he write just sex scenes for the sake of smut (PWP), or does he have a plot (outside the bedroom gymnastics)? How is the relationship outside the pornographic scenes? How does his male lead treat his partner(s)?

I'd suggest you actually read the guy's stories to get a glimpse into his mind, and take it from there.

TheLastUBender · 2022-03-01T21:59:48+00:00

I think occasionally consuming written erotica is inherently less harmful because there are no actors involved (unless the themes are really weird and extreme). I also think it should be less addictive because it not as built for instant consumption and as a constant 'feed', it requires some imagination.

That said, I think people that write erotica - not just as an occasional hobby, but as a major part of their life - would be a turnoff for me. I think they'd be too preoccupied with sex overall and there's a good chance they have a weird fetish. I've always preferred fiction that doesn't get too graphic, I don't really want the author's sexual fantasies to come seeping through the pages of an otherwise good story.

BooksandEarlGreyTea · 2022-03-01T22:49:31+00:00

As some who tried to read erotic fanfiction and original erotica, only to be put off by all the kink/ BDSM, rape, sexual assault and unbalanced power dynamics, I would be really wary of someone writes their own erotica.

Sure it is not as bad as porn, since no living people are involved, but IME a lot of the consensual content is rather blatant and degrading. I once had a guy send some smut he had written way before FDS, it was as boring and straight to the sex as expected. No well constructed imagery or a slow build as the 2 characters began to get intimate, no metaphors or sensuality.

It really does depend on what he writes about and how he writes it, though it will be telling on his perception of sex and intimacy.

whiskey_and_oreos · 2022-03-01T18:56:54+00:00

Make sure he's not covering up writing some super weird fanfic. Or reading what's basically transcribed porn with incest and SA themes.

Otherwise I think I'd be ok with this in theory? Lots of women read romance novels. Reading erotica requires use of your imagination so I don't know if it's a gateway into video porn and some of it is very well written. But then again, men will ruin everything.

c_a_t_lady · 2022-03-01T19:39:26+00:00

I think with writing or reading erotica the question is more about what type of erotica it is. How it plays out, what's dynamic, is it SA etc. I could almost see myself writing romantic "light" erotica.

If the writing is weird fanfiction or sexual assault, then that's a red flag. But if it's "regular erotic writing", then I suppose I don't see anything and with it, even though I'm open to reconsidering my view.

I'm quite interested what are others' feelings on this because it's something I've thought about occasionally as I've even considered writing it myself.

Regardless, just pay attention to what kind of writing it is, especially the one he writes himself!

huevos_and_whiskey · 2022-03-02T00:33:47+00:00

I think this is a really interesting topic to bring up!

On the one hand, erotica is not exploiting anyone in the same ways porn does. There’s no human trafficking, or tricking actress into enduring abuse. On the other hand, there is some really weird, toxic, abusive stuff out there, so it has the same potential to spread ideas about abusive sex and normalize them. I think it really comes down to what type of erotica he reads and, even more importantly, writes.

It’s really interesting to see how others on here have responded as well. While what little erotica I’ve come across hasn’t been so bad, I can totally see why some people get the ick from it. I’ve actively avoided the really gross stuff, but I know it’s out there. Seeing the FDS take on it affirms a lot of my views. Probably a red flag, or at least an orange flag, but there’s a small chance it could be ok. Honestly, I’d be a lot more judgmental and skeptical about a guy who says he writes erotica than if one of my female friends said the same. Like, 85-90% chance it means he’s a creepy perv, where for a woman that would drop to like 60% and quite frankly I don’t care what a platonic friend does in the privacy of her own home, but for a guy who I’m considering dating that becomes much more relevant.

SwampDwellingPirate · 2022-03-01T19:53:10+00:00

Personally, I'm a bookworm, poet and aspiring novelist. I LOVE a poetically described sex scene, especially if there's a broader context other than just the sex itself. It has to be passionate, it has to have character development leading to the attraction between the characters, it has to focus on describing emotions, sensations, it has to describe the character's bodies in a way that isn't objectifying, feel affirmative and lovely, and not have power dynamics (maid vs employer, age gap and shit like this).

I feel like this is VERY different from some forms of smut fiction where people just dump their weirdest fantasies, in a terribly written way. To me, themes and language is very important in any type of media consumed by a man, and I don't think sexual themes are inherently problematic, it really depends on context and how it's executed. But this is my personal opinion because literature is one of my main interests, and I value sexual themes in my own writing style, so I'm not talking on behalf of FDS here.

Having said that, I find it VERY weird if a guy is such an avid consumer and writer of erotica, and ONLY erotica, that's a huuuuge red flag. If he writes and reads the same amount of other genres, and if his subgenre/style of erotica is not some weird ass shit, and it's consumed in moderation, I don't see a huge issue. This aspect of his personality/hobbies need to be vetted just like I'd vet a man's alcohol consumption, and stuff like that.

All in all, if the mere idea of him consuming and writing erotica, no matter the subgenre, no matter how well written and wholesome, if it gives you the ick and makes you uncomfortable, own your feelings, respect your boundaries and next him. Don't settle for it, no matter what him or others tell you. You're allowed to not accept that, and it's 100% understandable, just like some women don't accept men who drink, smoke, game, of whatever. You don't need to compromise your values EVER.

If you're more like me and don't necessarily see that as a deal breaker, ask to read one of his stories, preferably one he has written himself. If it's not some weird shit he will gladly share, and It'll tell you all you need to know. Also make sure to check if he consumes/writes other forms of literature.

Depending on what he has written and how, it can even show how good of a lover he probably is. I say this from experience. You'll be able to tell haha. 👀

CorruptSoulGem · 2022-03-01T21:06:54+00:00

I feel like if a man ever told me that he was into reading erotic fiction instead of watching porn I’d be really sceptical of whether or not he was lying to me to sound feminist.

Laci green used to talk about erotic fanfiction as an alternative to video porn and her videos are used to be very main stream, i’m surprised I haven’t heard of more men using this as a manipulation tactic to make themselves sound better to women.

ifhewantedtohewould · 2022-03-02T01:37:14+00:00

Just read what he reads and writes, you’ll get your answer then. If he doesn’t let you, that’s also your answer.

millions_ofpeachs4me · 2022-03-01T19:01:09+00:00

I know the bar is in hell because my first thought was “Well, at least he’s able to use his imagination!” 🤣

I’m curious to see others’ responses on this. What is he like otherwise? Is he creepy about it, reading and writing graphic, degrading stuff? Does he dive deep into his imaginary worlds, complete with 1000 yard stare into the books? Is what he’s reading/writing novels with actual stories that include steamy sex scenes, or just literal written porn?

I’d feel turned off to be honest. It’s a little old-timey, like some guy who keeps a Playboy in his briefcase or something. He clearly told you about it for a reason, was it because you asked him if he’s into porn? Seems a little like he’s trickle truthing.

The porn red flag is still a red flag though maybe there’s more to it in this case.

pretty_kill · 2022-03-01T20:26:22+00:00

Some erotica is more depraved than live porn, with more severe topics, since the acts described don't have to happen to a real woman. It really depends on what its about. But as far as effect on the brain, I would think written erotica is less harmful, but I have yet to come across any statistics about it.

all_or_nothing_bet · 2022-03-01T21:07:46+00:00

I don't find it appealing at all when a man is so focused on sex that he has the need to read or write such content. I love good sex but my life isn't consumed by it. I wouldn't be interested at all in developing a close relationship with anyone for whom it's such an important topic.

Japanese_Lasagna · 2022-03-02T04:49:04+00:00

I’d request a link to whatever he enjoys reading or is writing. Whenever a man has told me he enjoys fanfiction or online stories, I ask to see what kind to see if we have similar tastes or if he has bad taste. In my experience, they tend to have bad taste but are perfectly willing to share.

Lost_Kale90 · 2022-03-01T19:16:38+00:00

Tbh it weirds me out that he writes it. That tells me that he likes erotica or porn a little too much, unless you're into that too. But it also totally depends on what he reads/writes and if it aligns with what you like.

keep_my_stuff · 2022-03-02T11:06:33+00:00

I was talking with someone on OLD who said they wrote femdom fiction. I read some and I got the ick, it was basically the same eroticization of lack of consent and lack of dignity, just with genders reversed. I stupidly agreed to meet him(pre fds) and he was just a mess in person.

Writing erotic fanfic is not the same as porn. No women harmed in its production, just some brain cells. Reading fanfic even if it is an addiction, is still a less harmful (to self and others) addiction than jerking it to porn imo.

I would look out for signs of addiction and for signs that he has a warped view of sexuality.

queeninprogress · 2022-03-02T14:45:17+00:00

Depends on his taste. I met a man who was into WRITING erotic fiction once. He sent me a sample. It was the worst thing I've ever read. Men have no taste (and in his case, talent).

FUBARfromLSA · 2022-03-02T00:41:07+00:00

Very interesting question.

I often refer to porn as “rape on tape”.

This isn’t rape, no women harmed in the production, no exploitation.

The next question is do you believe him? Is writing erotica accompanied by a secret porn habit?

Dunno, I have to say I’m honestly on the fence with this one.

thanarealnobody · 2022-03-01T22:47:30+00:00

Reading erotica is a very different thing from consuming and contributing to the pornography machine so I wouldn’t say it’s the same thing.

It’s not as addictive and less likely to cause ED.

I would have only 2 questions to keep in your mind, 1. What kind of erotica is he reading?

And

Is he telling the truth?

oscine23 · 2022-03-01T20:50:47+00:00

I’m so turned off by men and their nasty sexual fantasies that that would bother me too. Who has time to sit around writing erotica? Sounds weird.

Noemie_Mathilde · 2022-03-02T07:03:28+00:00

I think it's fine if it happens to be true. He could have a browser history full of god knows what. The only way to really know is to snoop. Asking if he watches porn may have made him think it could be a dealbreaker for you. It's tricky, keep an eye on him.

FilibusterQueen · 2022-03-02T16:57:09+00:00

I don’t think it’s as bad as porn because no women were harmed in it’s production. But typically my answer to this depends on:

Whether the erotica he reads written by women?
Whether it’s really erotica or a regular novel with graphic, but well-written, sex?
Themes in it: obviously anything non-consensual, violent etc is a massive red flag

As for writing it? Personally, unless it was in the context of an erotic scene he was writing in some other novel. I’d be pretty creeped out.

MsWriteNow07 · 2022-03-03T18:42:27+00:00

I was once at a professional writers’ conference where this man read aloud a dystopian story where women were traded sexually as commodities. The very next man in line read a time-travel story where is a hero was kind of like Walter Jameson in that old twilight zone episode and there was a woman who was his sex slave in all the times he travelled to. In every era she was reborn so she was always a teenager/early 20s when he was in his 40s/50s and she was a perpetual virgin who could only have sex with him. Yes, that is a real story that someone wrote that gained him admittance to one of the most prestigious writers’ conferences in the country. The point of my story is this was professional writing NOT erotica. Think of how many novels like twilight or Fifty Shades of Grey are hypersexual yet not actual erotica. If this man is telling you he writes erotica, you should probably be concerned.

Tharwaum · 2022-03-04T00:12:47+00:00

Well it’s not a green flag. I think you need more info. How big a part of his life is it, and what is the content. Ask him what the red lines are for the content he enjoys and that which he creates. Also is it something he wants to pursue later in a larger capacity?

spinsterchachkies · 2022-03-04T18:47:14+00:00

It’s using your imagination and doesn’t involve any real people, so way healthier. I see nothing wrong with it

pinkmailboxes · 2022-03-13T00:42:11+00:00

I’m surprised so many women are okay with erotica on here. I think it can just be as harmful as porn even if no one is getting sex-trafficked or abused. I’m saying this because erotica is just another form of pornography and honestly I feel like most of the subjects being discussed in erotica can still be inherently misogynistic and degrading. It’s also still a form of pornography as stated earlier so I’d advise to stay away from it at all costs

Title	What's the FDS view on "reading" porn?
Author	sammytheforsaken
Upvotes	269
Comments	43
Date	March 1, 2022 6:48 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/t4f50b/whats_the_fds_view_on_reading_porn/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/whats-the-fds-view-on-reading-porn.1104638 https://theredarchive.com/post/1104638

Comments