Ughhhh this excuse making ridiculousness. Sometimes it is that simple.

souredskittles · 2022-03-27T22:03:43+00:00

Does it even matter if he’s wanting to do it but doesn’t? Bottom line - he isn’t doing it. Don’t waste your time thinking on the whys.

Mighty_Wombat42 · 2022-03-27T23:59:45+00:00

Obviously there are situations when desire isn’t the only determinant for behavior. People don’t understand the context when they say this statement isn’t true.

When we say “if he wanted to, he would”, we don’t mean that a man will always do things he wants to do and never do things he doesn’t want to do. We mean he will ask you out if he wants to go out with you. He will propose if he wants to get married. He will treat you well if he cares about staying with you. And look, if you’re with a guy for years and he doesn’t propose, but wants to have kids and live together, does it matter if he doesn’t want to marry you or if he deep down inside wants to but his commitment issues or childhood trauma is holding him back? The end result for you is still the same. We’re saying that one shouldn’t sit around in a situationship or stay with an incompatible man just because he never explicitly said that he didn’t want to get married.

mythrowawaypdx · 2022-03-28T00:49:52+00:00

Back when I was a pick me I read the book

He's just not that into you

I've read it after each heartbreak and will likely read it again. It's short, can be read in a few hours and basically states out all the scenarios where a man might be disrespectful and reminds the reader that in 99.9% of those cases he will let you know if he is into you.

Best to match someones energy, if you aren't into texting I'm not either, lets see what happens when I stop. If they don't come around that relationship was meant to end. If he realizes too late I've already moved on. I value myself too much to dwell over the reasons I'm not a priority to someone & I'm no longer going to build someone up before I've gotten to know them. If I'm not valuable to you then oh well, I must have misread the situation let me look elsewhere for someone who is mutually into me. Not everyone has good taste.

electroloop · 2022-03-28T01:56:47+00:00

Lmao “life coach”. You lost all your credibility there sis

Life coach translates to unemployed loser who instagrams their macchiatos and minimalist jewelry aesthetic.

gingerwabisabi · 2022-03-27T21:33:19+00:00

I understand what she means, about general situations. I've dealt with a huge amount of trauma and invisible health issues that have held me back in life. It's taken a long long time to achieve many of the goals I had set for myself and I'm still working on some things that others have had easily their whole lives because they were born into different circumstances. That said, we are talking about dating and marriage here.

We are not rehab centers for broken men. We are looking for a partner that benefits us, not a project or a child.

Men are capable of growing on their own.

Men can do research and go to therapy to learn how to heal from trauma, deal with neurodivergence, function effectively, communicate well, make and keep friends, etc. etc. all by themselves.

They can learn about money all by themselves.

They can get good at fitness and cooking and how to dress themselves - all by themselves.

If a guy wants to, he will improve himself. If he doesn't want to, no amount of coaxing from us will put that fire in his belly.

This internal motivation used to be called "having grit" by cowboys.

We want men with grit. If he has grit, he will demonstrate it consistently with his actions in some fashion.

"If he wanted to he would" = if he has grit and likes us, he will treat us well long-term (including even during a graceful breakup). If he doesn't have grit but really wants us, he will treat us well for a while.

No excuses for men. He can treat you well or he can get out.

crafeminist · 2022-03-28T01:00:58+00:00

If he wants to and still doesn’t, he never will.

MsWriteNow07 · 2022-03-28T01:25:50+00:00

“Can’t do is like won’t do, neither of them have a home.” Maye Angelou

I don’t care if a guy can’t treat you well for some actual good reason like verified illness or family issues or trauma. Is your outcome any different than the guy who just won’t treat you well because he refuses to give you that respect? No?! Either way your energy is not being reciprocated and you are not being treated the way you deserve. You don’t have to get a PhD in a man’s mental state, either he’s doing or he’s not. All you need to care about is the outcome. No matter what his reason is you will be the one suffering. Just say no

Heather619 · 2022-03-27T21:56:55+00:00

"Life Coach" - another person trying to be a therapist, but without credentials

whiskey_and_oreos · 2022-03-27T21:08:17+00:00

Her rationale is a rabbit hole of excuses we've all heard that are meant to keep us in situations where we are consistently let down, disappointed, and discarded. If the only thing stopping someone from being HV is themselves, they have zero excuse to do better.

DivineGoddess1111111 · 2022-03-27T21:56:55+00:00

She needs to STFU and stop gaslighting women. She is literally excusing useless men.

extraodi · 2022-03-28T00:48:01+00:00

My question to her is “if he wanted to he would” is a logical fallacy then if he wanted to why didn’t he? When it comes to relationships if they wanted to they definitely would.

My friend who was in a toxic relationship where they didn’t “but wanted to” and said to her “it’s the thought that counts though right?”

She deserved better. A thought doesn’t mean shit without the gesture.

Why do people try to excuse the behavior of scrotes? I feel that maybe she’s generalizing but unless if there were extenuating circumstances I don’t see how—— let me just stop talking.

ceramicunicorn · 2022-03-28T01:43:27+00:00

I guess what she’s saying is that it isn’t necessarily that he doesn’t want to, it also could mean he simply cannot. Either way, he’s not doing what you need, so does this parsing out actually matter?

lostmillenia · 2022-03-28T02:33:25+00:00

There are all sorts of reasons why a man couldn't do something even if he wanted to.

However, why would you want someone who is unable to accommodate you. Either way, you're ruminating about something beyond your control instead of keeping it simple and saying "next."

savedempath · 2022-03-27T23:47:14+00:00

Hahaha. Okay she is coming from a Life Coach perspective. The person you date is not your client (ideally). While what she says might be true for her perspective. This advice is not applicable to dating. It's applicable to understanding human psychology sure, but not for finding a good man. Lol if she understood she'd be quiet. 🤣

PerspicaciousCat · 2022-03-27T22:36:44+00:00

She really thought she said something profound 🥴

_tinyimp · 2022-03-28T04:06:50+00:00

Great the pickme’s are evolving

Vaahla · 2022-03-27T21:58:11+00:00

Is she even saying anything other than disagreeing with the statement?

I couldn’t hear any substance.

jijitsu-princess · 2022-03-28T02:52:46+00:00

Can I just say I have waited for men to do what they said they were going to do or at least put action to words and that shit never happened.

Time to try it the other way.

spinsterchachkies · 2022-03-28T03:27:51+00:00

So she is selling her business. Yep got it

Far_from_deceived · 2022-03-27T22:11:22+00:00

I seriously didn’t understand what she was saying. Speaking speaking and no useful conclusion

FlockAroundtheClock · 2022-03-28T12:05:41+00:00

Fuck that lady. Why are women always making excuses for men's poor behavior? It's exhausting to listen to her nonsense.

2022-03-28T13:09:19+00:00

Why do women continually make excuses for these men? They make enough excuses themselves

Unlikely-Marzipan · 2022-03-28T15:28:34+00:00

I’m sorry, but I am so sick of these “life” and “relationship” coaches thinking they know more than an actual professional psychologist or therapist who have specifically trained in relationships.

Most often, these “coaches” are people who’ve had some epiphany that they want to help people, so they do an online cert and start preaching what they’ve learnt with absolutely no analysis or critical thinking skills. I’m sure people like her mean well, but she’s actually simplified things far too much herself. She’s assuming some vague motivational theory for why people don’t exercise as much as they should even though they want to, is the same as some d-head that’s emotionally abusing a woman with the push pull tactic.

These “coaches” can often do far more damage than they do good unfortunately. And they really need to stick to very basic principals of individual behaviour change for very basic/ superficial things, for people who are otherwise privileged and healthy. I.e. weight loss motivation, or taking steps to start a business on the side, or meal prep for your family every week.

Stay away from relationships, personality disorders, any mental health issues, addiction issues, trauma etc.

I don’t mean to be disrespectful, but please leave the above and anything ourself of the usual ‘ho-hum day to day stuff’ to the professionals. And even then, I would say most professionals only specialise in one particular area that they are specifically trained, experienced, and skilled up in.

GoldDigger2LVM · 2022-03-27T21:06:12+00:00

This is definitely just an excuse. If a man doesn’t have enough emotional intelligence to show initiative and appreciation for their partner once in awhile then they’re not ready to be in a relationship. Full stop.

wallet_rinser · 2022-03-27T21:17:31+00:00

While I understand the point she's attempting to make, it does not apply to romantic relationships, full stop

elainejay82 · 2022-03-29T00:55:56+00:00

Hope she got picked 🤡

alpinepunch2021 · 2022-03-29T03:51:38+00:00

Why do stupid people always get so jumbled up when they think they understand what a fallacy is? Like you could also just bleat 'Occam's razor' over and over again if you wanted to justify 'if he wanted to he would' - both 'arguments' are equally stale.

spinsterchachkies · 2022-03-27T21:59:50+00:00

[permanently deleted]

Noemie_Mathilde · 2022-04-01T10:09:26+00:00

Mental fucking gymnastics.

Title	Ughhhh this excuse making ridiculousness. Sometimes it is that simple.
Author	InappropriateMommie
Upvotes	213
Comments	54
Date	March 27, 2022 8:57 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/tpt1mf/ughhhh_this_excuse_making_ridiculousness/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/ughhhh-this-excuse-making-ridiculousness-sometimes.1109951 https://theredarchive.com/post/1109951

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