Little reminder about "red flags"

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blasthead99 · 2022-04-10T22:49:41+00:00

Also I just want to emphasize your point that red flags are signals/indicators of something wrong. It’s like a pre taste of what’s to come, not the actual thing. I’ve seen some people (not just in FDS) write out essays of their spouse/potential partner actively doing toxic and abusive behavior towards them and then ask if it’s a red flag…and I’m thinking we’re a little past the point of a red flag now. They’re literally showing you the bad thing and you’re wondering if there’s more to come?

thowawaywookie · 2022-04-10T21:20:57+00:00

Excellent points!

A red flag is a signal to take action. So many times I've heard someone say well he has all these red flags and list them off, but they are still with him.

There's like a disconnect between knowing these things are bad and pulling the plug.

Red flags aren't meant to be collected.

Block, delete

Golden_Lavender · 2022-04-11T01:37:50+00:00

I like to put it as red flags are like multiplying by 0. Any green flags lose all value because of one red flag. If you see one hightail it out of there because it's going to be the reason you break up anyways.

Technical_Moth248 · 2022-04-10T21:31:28+00:00

I once was berated by a friend for being upset that my boyfriend of 3 months had told me he wouldn't feel anything if I died (and no, this wasn't something I asked) because "it was hypothetical and it's mean to police how someone responds to grief" ????

Don't ignore red flags and keep the knowledge that some people will for whatever reason think you're TA for not putting up with some absolutely heinous stuff from men. Big or small, if something isn't sitting right with you there is almost definitely a reason that shouldn't be ignored.

SayNad · 2022-04-10T21:08:58+00:00

I'll one up you on this one - ANY feeling that makes you go "huh? Why do I feel off?"

LEAVE.

Maybe it is nothing - maybe it is something really bad. Your intuition is telling you that it is sensing something - LISTEN TO IT.

JUST LEAVE.

You've got plenty of others to deal with anyway.

Get used to heed your intuition without questioning it. That's how you hone your intuitive skill.

mandoa_sky · 2022-04-11T03:07:42+00:00

my personal gripe re guys lying about their height is that I have a 6'1 - 6'2 little brother.

1) I'm good at guessing what 6 feet looks like since I live with one

2) the lie could be a clue they're insecure about their height - I don't want to deal with the meltdown in the event the relationship gets serious enough that I would actually introduce the guy to my brother

Equal-Ear2312 · 2022-04-11T05:07:33+00:00

And if we ignore said red flag, society will blame us as well. Women are seen as being responsible not only for themselves but for the behavior of the men around them too. Coupled with victim blaming, the damage this does is real and terrifying. What we should understand is that we are only responsible for ourselves and we are the only ones that can keep us safe. Forget "man as a protector trope"... We cannot afford being apologetic over our livelihood.

basuragoddess · 2022-04-11T02:41:04+00:00

It has brought me great satisfaction in my dating life to cut men off early on after the first lie, and watch them be absolutely flabbergasted. Like oh you thought huh? That’s what you did wrong. You thought. Trust is not something women should ever give second chances on - it bothers me with shows like Friends where the characters constantly lie to each other and it’s made to be humorous. One lie is the first rock that falls in an avalanche.

millennialpink2000 · 2022-04-10T20:41:27+00:00

Yes, yes, yes.

A guy (stranger I met that day) recently stole my joke and repeated it to a room of people in front of my face. It's been hilarious how people are telling me I'm being mean and petty for vowing to never work with him or bother with him professionally. They think 'karma' should take care of it. Bullshit.

Thanks to FDS, I know this is a HUGE red flag because it reflects his character and integrity. If this is what he stole IN FRONT OF MY FACE, what is he gonna do when my back is turned??

It's been surreal listening to men defend a guy they've never met, who stole from me in front of my face.

ifhewantedtohewould · 2022-04-10T22:48:35+00:00

What’s a red light at traffic mean? It means stop! Red flags are the same

Sunshine_Daisies2525 · 2022-04-11T06:48:06+00:00

And it sucks when friends don’t listen when we point out the red flags.

Friend recently went exclusive with a guy, afterwards she told him she was open to seeing other people, and within a week he texted “casually” to ask her if it was cool for him to meet this girl who he had matched with before and agreed to meet with before their exclusivity conversation- as friends of course.

This is a man who’s often on random trips. My guess is he wanted her to be exclusive while he did whatever.

I told her not to answer because he should at the very least sweat it and figure it out himself. Otherwise, she’s always going to be the one to “be cool” and enable his inappropriate boundaries. She thought it was toxic not to text back, so she called him and she realised she wasn’t cool with it, and told him not to go. So now, I’m sure he will continue outsourcing basic moral decisions to her so he has no responsibility.

She got mad at me for ranting about him since I haven’t met him. She wants me to be supportive. At this point I just lied to her and said I was probably wrong. But I’m not wrong. He’s at worst a cheater, at best a bumbler who will always play dumb. I know he’s waisting her time. But at this point, she’s going to have to figure it out herself.

She’s been that person for me before, pointing out the red flags. It’s just hard to see when you’re emotionally attached.

not_a_paper_pusher · 2022-04-10T21:00:17+00:00

This reminds me of a red flag I saw in my ex years ago, he was experimenting with drugs and trying to hide it from me. I confronted him and he continued to lie. To me, someone that uses drugs makes me think we’d end up living in a crack den. It’s a deal breaker for me. Other than the drug use, he was lying, excluding me (it was “boys night” but all of the other girlfriends were invited), and he wasn’t giving me the opportunity to decide whether I’d want to be with someone who uses drugs.

BloedelBabe · 2022-04-10T21:25:23+00:00

YES.

“You dumped him because he couldn’t cook/clean?”

“No, I dumped him because the fact that he doesn’t know HOW to maintain a home is a flag that he considers those women’s tasks, and I’m not being a mommy/bangmaid for ANY man.”

FUBARfromLSA · 2022-04-10T20:49:31+00:00

Very well said- thank you for posting this.

katiekat0214 · 2022-04-10T23:30:06+00:00

I was just listening to the podcast driving back today, and the FDS queens made such a valid point: women are conditioned to be accommodating, forgiving, and to give men second chances... which doesn't work in our favor! It is part and parcel of patriarchy, and the sooner we all de-condition ourselves to STOP giving second chances, start listening to our guts and just cut men off, the better off WE as women, as a class/group/demographic, will be.

Just remember, patriarchy is hugely uncomfortable with women setting boundaries, so you know that's the right thing to do. Whatever works FOR your benefit, your safety, your peace of mind CANNOT be wrong, especially if it harms no one else. SET THOSE BOUNDARIES. This is one of THE BEST ways to eff patriarchy and contribute to feminism.

It doesn't get better. After you've seen that one red flag, it is just the beginning. Don't go down that road. Leave with your head held high, standards intact, and with the sure and certain knowledge you are doing the best thing for yourself. Scrotes, society, pickmes can all die mad.

Jinxhourglass · 2022-04-10T22:46:35+00:00

And if you guys get tired of explaining why you cut someone off to pickmes and red flag apologists, start lying or being vague lol. If a pick me friend asks why you broke up with someone: their plans for the future didn’t align with yours, you didn’t feel a spark, you don’t have anything in common, you want different things. Hell, if you didn’t introduce them to your friends and you’re in a big city, say you broke up because they are moving away and you don’t want to do long distance. Chances are no one is going to run into that person and recognize them anyway.

Lightningxxx · 2022-04-11T10:27:34+00:00

Seconded. If you ignore the first small red flag, there’s a whole ship of red flags docked at the harbour, waiting to come wreck you…

frangipanivine · 2022-04-10T22:30:40+00:00

Exactly this. I was on and off with this one LVM for about a year, and this one day about three months in I saw this bizarre flash of anger over something reeeeally petty. I paused and thought about it but this was pre-FDS so I didn't immediately jump to cut him off. A year later, he got PISSED over something (I wasn't even arguing with him or showing any emotion, I was just saying things he didn't like hearing) and began driving extremely erratically, to the point I feared for my life. I was sobbing and when he stopped the car I literally RAN out of the car into my house, immediately deleted/blocked on everything, told my dad about it so we could call the police if he tried anything, and I even emailed his mom and informed her very politely that if he ever returned to my parents' home the police would be called. Then I blocked her on everything too. If I'd paid attention to that first flash of anger, none of this would have happened. The guy has personality disorder tendencies, and he even knows it, but somehow still thinks I should put up with dangerous erratic driving when he can't control his emotions? Lol next.

itsjustphe · 2022-04-10T20:43:49+00:00

A hill I will always die on is that all red flags perceived by girls and women are valid.

Something I stand by is that a man will not be unkind to me even in jest. Apparently this makes me too sensitive but I think it is a sign of an antagonistic personality.

stephanienyc108 · 2022-04-11T00:00:36+00:00

Yes 👌 I had issues with a guy 6 months in. Ended up marrying him. Had even bigger issues after that. Divorced him. Met a guy I loved too much. Did everything for him including getting him a great job. 8 months in he was hesitant to get serious. 5 years later I had to break up with him because he didn’t want to move the relationship forward. He still says he has no idea why it ended. 🚩🚩🚩 I saw the flags and kept driving. Big mistake and more importantly waste of time.

FoxyMaybe · 2022-04-11T03:13:14+00:00

A red flag is a behavior or trait that triggers the subconscious alarm bells that alert you to danger. It is a signal that you are dealing with someone who is not acting in good faith, who is capable of harming you, and who is showing you an unsavory and possibly dangerous side of himself that you ignore at your own peril.

It isn't harmless when he lies to you; it's a sign that he is a dishonest person and has no qualms about deceiving you if it suits him. A man who will lie about the little things will lie about anything and everything.

It isn't harmless when he puts you down, even jokingly. A good man finds nothing funny about disrespecting the woman he's courting; a bad man sees disrespecting her as his right.

It isn't harmless when he has "casual" addictions, or a history of ugly conflict in previous romances, or children he barely sees, or a checkered job history, or bleak finances, or a lack of friends. In fact, any and all of the above flags should send you running for the door regardless of his other qualities or ability to smooth-talk you into laughing them off. Whether he's a drunk or a druggie, an abuser, an absentee father, a ne'er-do-well, a destitute loser, or a friendless dickhead who is habitually alone because he treats people terribly, he isn't good enough for you.

Red flags are not seen with the eyes, but the gut. Your instincts will never lead you astray when it comes to judging a man's character, and ignoring them can be catastrophic. I'm not saying that we should expect men to be perfect, but any time you see something serious enough to ask other people whether it counts as a red flag, it's time to walk. To ask is to answer.

OutspokenPerson · 2022-04-11T01:04:01+00:00

Yep. It’s not a red flag to prefer different foods, for example.

It IS a red flag if he makes nasty comments about what you are eating, pretends to gag, throws your food out, insults the culture for the food, equates the preference differences to differences in class (suggests you are low class for liking something), refuses to cook, refuses to grocery shop, refuses to wash dishes or set the table, insists you pay 50/50 for groceries but eats most of them, eats your snacks and won’t replace them, eats your snacks and pretends he did you a favor to keep you from getting fatter, consistently over orders at a restaurant when you offered to treat him, expects you to cook for him from a limited set of recipes you don’t even like, takes food off your plate, gets offended when you wants to eat your own food instead of letting him take half of it when he’s still hungry after scarfing down his whole damn meal before you’ve barely started eating your own.

There are MANY LVMs who will engage in those behaviors while acting like YOU have “food issues”. And since many of us DO have food issues, we can’t see that red flag waving in our faces!

See these flags? Run. Fast.

moonseekerinflight · 2022-04-10T20:43:22+00:00

A lot of women think it's unfair not to explain. They don't understand that they're helping to build a scrote, not a better man.

CommissionAntique777 · 2022-04-10T22:01:23+00:00

People reveal who they truly are through very small actions or words. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had red flags and then ignored them and honestly I’ve never been wrong when it comes to men giving me the ick

Kitchen-Foot · 2022-04-10T21:11:50+00:00

A friend questioned me once about breaking up with someone bc I felt that he had some emotional issues he needed to sort out. She pointed out that ‘couples help each other through these things’. Thing is we had only just started dating, and I am no ones therapist. Current me is very grateful to past me for having the confidence to end it, and he did start going to therapy! Good outcomes all round.

Also shouldn’t let someone give you shit for leaving someone who doesn’t make enough money or isn’t funny either. Height, yeah it sucks that it’s a feature he can’t change, but we all have preferences.

Responsible-Squash17 · 2022-04-10T20:25:34+00:00

Yes, this! This is vetting done correctly, by watching for small signs on the ice that signal an iceberg underneath.

ThrowawaySleepingPup · 2022-04-10T21:38:18+00:00

If something makes your gut clench then that is your gut telling you its a red flag and you should listen to your gut.

reddishfish13 · 2022-04-11T15:08:21+00:00

I agree that a red flag is enough reason to cut someone off without explanation, especially during the initial vetting process.

However, I've always made a distinction in my mind. In the literal sense, a red flag is a signal about potential danger if you go near a certain thing. We put them next to things like live electrical wires buried in the ground, holes and pitfalls, and other potential hazards that can cause harm.

So when I think of a red flag in a relationship, I think of the potential for abuse, of not meeting my standards, etc. Sometimes the red flags are very clear that this man will probably end up crossing a boundary or fall short of a standard, and in those cases it's easy to move on. But sometimes it's a waiting game to see how things play out because not all of my standards are equally as important to me.

Red flags, in my mind at least, are NOT abuse, boundary-crossing, overt misogyny, or anything else where he is actually doing something wrong. Those are just straight-up deal breakers.

I think it's important to make a distinction. I have high standards and expectations. If I have good compatibility and rapport with a current partner and he has given me no reason to doubt him before, I think communicating my expectations at the first sign of a red flag is definitely reasonable. If he chooses to meet my standards, great. If not, then that becomes a deal breaker.

HunterOk3550 · 2022-04-10T23:45:33+00:00

Great trick and it's becoming a bit more convenient to list all our preferences as " red flags" as we finally admits preferences are the world's purest excuse to reject guys on........so now we just call our long list of preferences RED FLAGS and everyone should a certain our long list of rejection reasons though they are just as horrible and heartless

Title	Little reminder about "red flags"
Author	blasthead99
Upvotes	1438
Comments	62
Date	April 10, 2022 8:16 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/u0q0bs/little_reminder_about_red_flags/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/little-reminder-about-red-flags.1110445 https://theredarchive.com/post/1110445

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