What should a man expect when a stay at home wife wants a divorce?

pegleg_legal · 2022-07-27T05:19:09+00:00

You can expect her to fight like hell for more than what is fair, wear you down, weaponize the children, take unreasonable and irrational positions on everything, try to expel you from your house, break your shit, run up debt, spend stupid amounts of money to try to establish that as a pattern upon which to base her ridiculous alimony claim, turn your friends against you, damage your career, falsely accuse you of all manner of abuses, fall under the emotional control of her lawyer who will run up insane legal fees you will have to pay during the course of the litigation, and do whatever else is necessary to break you, hurt you, alienate you, bankrupt you and ultimately live off of you for as long as possible and avoid getting a job.

Anything short of this, consider yourself lucky.

As for options, you can fight or lay down. But know that if you lay down before she's satisfied her resentment, greed and anger, she will stomp you into nothing. Surrender doesn't mean she will stop. It takes one person to start a divorce but two to end it.

tiny_smile_bot · 2022-07-27T05:36:12+00:00

Lessons from this to educate other men who believe they have found a unicorn and decide to get married fully knowing that they can get divorce raped :

As a man you should never marry someone who was earning significantly less than you were
if she was working prior to the marriage and now decides to become a stay at home housewife or mother : she can sue you for “loss of wages” during the time she did not work

Medium_Assignment612 · 2022-07-27T02:04:30+00:00

[permanently deleted]

stacksmasher · 2022-07-27T04:18:20+00:00

Mine walked off with 550k plus lifetime alimony. I kept my business assets in exchange for agreeing to cover the kids college expenses (which I would have done anyway) But I would have kept them anyway because I needed them to earn.

Gattsama · 2022-07-27T06:27:52+00:00

Sorry you are going through this man. First there is a lot of variation between states. Also how long have you been married, when were assets acquired, etc.

In brief divorce has 3 separate sections: division of assets & debts, spousal support and child support. These are separate but you can negotiate the assets, debts and spousal support; you normally can not the child support (as in theory this is for the kid).

So pretty much all states are no fault and some form of community property. What that means is you can get a divorce by asking for one, you don't need to show cause and your partner doesn't have to agree. Further, no actions during the divorce affect the division of property. ALL community assets and debts are split 50/50.

Let me repeat that all part. She has a credit card she opened in her name, didn't tell you, with $50k in debt? That is half your debt.

What is a community / communal asset. In most states that's everything that is acquired from the start of the marriage until the date you file. Let's say you have a 401k at work, from a job you started prior to marriage. It has $50k for this example. You are married 5 years and it know has $80k. The first $50k is yours, the additional $30k is 1/2 hers. Also inheritance is normally not consider community property, unless you mix it with common funds.

Same with the house, if her name is on the title or mortgage; then it's 1/2 hers. She owns half the equity and half the debt.

So here's what happens, make a spreadsheet of all assets and debts. Add it all up that will be split 50/50. It doesn't have to be split equally though. For example, you have: stocks $50k + cash $30k + 401k $100k = $180k total or $90k each. But say you want to keep your 401k. So you keep the $401k = $100 and she keeps the rest = $90k and you owe her +$10k. To be paid in cash or from another asset or you taking on more debt. This is 'buying her out'. And this is pretty common.

Spousal support: even if she has never worked you want her imputed to a certain income. This is the income that she 'could / should' earn. Worst case would be minimum wage. Depends on your state, length of marriage and a host of other factors what this will be. But two parts: length & amount. I'm in WA state and for a mid-length marriage (5-25y) she gets 1 year of support for every 3-4 years of marriage. But the amount is all over the place.

If you want to keep the house (and it's a community asset) you need to subtract her 1/2 of the debt from her 1/2 of the equity and 'buy her out' with cash or extra assets/debts somewhere else (and she has to agree to it). If you both can not agree on the house, ultimately a judge will order it to be sold and split 50/50.

Keeping the house also has additional steps. IF her name is on the title, no big deal. You fill out some forms, pay a fee and file to change it. But if her name is on the mortgage, you will need a new mortgage. Two choices: assumption loan or refinance.

Assumption loan continues the current interest rate and time paid. It's a new loan you have to apply and be approved for. Closing costs must be paid. A refinance is a new loan, you have to apply and be approved. You get a new interest rate and the clock rolls back to zero, but you can add closing costs to the loan.

-So you can keep the home, but only if she agrees or a judge / arbitrator orders.

-You WILL be punished for working to provide her with a home, family and allowing her to be a SAHM (stay at home mom). The entire system is set up to transfer wealth from the man to the woman.

-It is wildly unfair. Welcome :)

cschoonmaker · 2022-07-27T02:06:57+00:00

You know how she let you f*#k her all those years? She's about to turn the tables and try to bend you over it.

stacksmasher · 2022-07-27T02:04:10+00:00

It’s the risk you take when you get married. Kids just makes it worse because she will get money for them but spend it not working.

Kwen_Oellogg · 2022-07-27T04:59:37+00:00

I really wish a lot more young men would read this sub. So they can have a full idea just how bad marriage is for a man.

There is not one single advantage for a man to get married. Not one!

007upyours · 2022-07-27T09:34:23+00:00

You have rights, do not give her custodial rights without a fight. Do not agree on a parenting plan without a lawyer and do not agree to let her leave the state with the children and relocate. You are going to pay but so does she if you have a lawyer. Take it from me, living in New York. My ex moved my children to Oregon because I never thought she would weaponize them against me. We did a uncontested divorce, no lawyers. I wish I could tell you I’m happier but suicidal thoughts and depression are constant and the government constantly threatens to throw me in jail even though they take 50% of my income for child support. She’s accused me of molesting all my children. My children gave all names together with their mom and decided I’m a piece of shit they don’t want anything to do with and I’m so broke I can hardly afford the 1000 dollars a month I pay to live in a room. Don’t play nice but don’t let anger be your god either. Let your lawyer be your pit bull and show your children your love and that your not bother by what their mom is doing. Don’t ever lose contact with them

upvotersfortruth · 2022-07-27T11:46:17+00:00

Everything you don’t demand of your spouse during the marriage (e.g. help with payments, get a job, manage debt), comes back to bite you in the divorce. Spare the Rod, spoil the child type thing.

jalopkoala · 2022-07-27T03:27:00+00:00

The biggest advice you’ll get here is do not move out of that house until a settlement regarding parenting time / custody is agreed upon. Leaving before things are settled will appear as abandonment and establish a “new normal” of just seeing dad on the weekends. It is also your only leverage to get a fair settlement. gotta hang in there. You got this.

Adventurous_Big7311 · 2022-07-27T03:42:44+00:00

I'm in same position. I made her a deal to make sure she felt taken care of. 30k cash payment, our paid for car, half 401k and I keep house....all in all about 80k net loss for me but I should remain out of bk or on the streets

AlbumSixForever · 2022-07-27T12:40:17+00:00

Hmm, I’m in the opposite position. I’ve been stay at home dad who just started going back to work in the last 8 months. Wife finally got her six figure job and decided she doesn’t need me anymore. This wasn’t before she assaulted me in front of our child and got arrested bringing CPS into our life. Waiting on court for next week.

SecretDoctor8121 · 2022-07-27T08:39:01+00:00

Rip off...you gonna pay her till forever and everything gonna be taken away from you just because you got a pair of balls instead of boobs...thats what you expect so sell up n hide the $$$.That way you won't end up broke fck like loads of us.

reddit_1999 · 2022-07-27T03:01:35+00:00

Yep, "Divorce Rape." I'm telling my sons not to get married unless they're the stay at home dad in the marriage.

ultrasuperthrowaway · 2022-07-27T03:02:33+00:00

You bought a concubine and now it’s time to pay.

Women are able to work now. Make ‘em.

dday_throwaway3 · 2022-07-27T12:23:33+00:00

You will impute her income for CS and SS calculations. So even if she doesn't work today, at a minimum her income will be imputed at full-time minimum wage. If she has prior work history, then you can impute her income at that level instead. If she has a college degree or was underemployed previously, then you can have a vocational evaluation performed which is the best ROI you'll ever get in a divorce. It'll cost you $4-5k, but pays for itself with the reduced CS/SS that you'll pay.

wisstinks4 · 2022-07-27T21:57:50+00:00

These are excellent examples of how the system is clearly broken. There needs to be a fundamental change that balances fair market value of men in their earnings over a lifetime vs a spouse raising children. Especially when the children are grown and gone from the home, they have their own self sustaining position in life. I hate the idea of lifetime alimony. Seems so wrong on every level. I hope this works out for you and you find a good solution from all the great suggestions by other Readitors.

unsurefamily · 2022-07-27T23:06:23+00:00

Wow. For someone considering divorce, this is eye popping. Financial ruin or loveless trust less marriage. Are you guys still bitter after being financially raped

2022-07-27T07:52:52+00:00

eternal doom

dadafoot · 2022-07-27T15:56:42+00:00

I'm going through this now. STBX is SAHM. Everything everyone is saying is correct. The courts are grossly biased towards women, and if you have a nasty ex, they will weaponize your kids and not stop until you are bankrupt. I wish this was hyperbole, but it is not. Even high earners are not immune. Lawyer up, hire a vocational expert, and get a good therapist. If you have kids, her keeping the house is a no-brainer 99% of the time. I wouldn't pick that battle, it's a lost cause.

Title	What should a man expect when a stay at home wife wants a divorce?
Author	Medium_Assignment612
Upvotes	38
Comments	70
Date	July 27, 2022 1:58 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/w91vbo/what_should_a_man_expect_when_a_stay_at_home_wife/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/what-should-a-man-expect-when-a-stay-at-home-wife.1125576 https://theredarchive.com/post/1125576

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