Please someone tell me this gets easier. Tell me I'm going to survive this.

Funny_Wolverine_9 · 2022-10-10T17:16:09+00:00

It gets easier. But before it does, it will get harder. Stay strong and focus on working out, meditating, and your work.

NITAREEDDESIGNS · 2022-10-10T17:08:48+00:00

This gets easier.

You WILL SURVIVE this.

ragingredditir · 2022-10-10T17:25:36+00:00

One day at a time man. There’s no easy way to skip the painful part, but it will get better

dday_throwaway3 · 2022-10-10T17:41:14+00:00

Your kids are counting on you. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and start interviewing family law attorneys. Here's how: http://forum.mensdivorce.com/viewtopic.php?f=9&t=13377

scootfaster · 2022-10-10T19:00:12+00:00

You were alive before her and you be fine after. Be a better parent than she and focus on your kids.

Seemedlikefun · 2022-10-10T17:21:06+00:00

Dial your local information help line and ask about divorced men's support groups near you. In our area it's 211. You will get through this, but actively seek out others to make the journey with you. Iron sharpens Iron!!

bes753 · 2022-10-10T17:38:41+00:00

It doesn't feel like it right now, but you will survive. You are going to have days where the world is ending and days where you think you can catch a glimpse of the light at the end of the tunnel.

Take care of yourself. Love your kids and be there for them. Take time to grieve your losses.

I would definitely recommend that you look into therapy. Having someone to talk to has done wonders for me. I have also been attending some group therapy sessions, which I have found rewarding as well.

rhett342 · 2022-10-10T23:30:43+00:00

I honestly don't know if it does or not my friend but I can say you're. Other rhe only one who is a complete wreck dealing with all this.

I found out my wife of 23 years was having an emotional affair (that's the only thing I can prove) with a guy that she works with that looks like a real life version of Ned Flanders. I flipped out when I discovered it and she left that night. She took our younger (18m) kid and dog with her and is living at her mom's house. She emailed me to say she wanted a divorce because apparently I don't even deserve a phone call to tell me pur marriage is over but she hasn't filed or anything yet.

I'm going to lose my home over this. Any sort of a decent future that I could imagine drove away with her. I miss my wife, kid, and dog so much it literally hurts. My doctor says I'm starting to have heart problems from all thus and I kinda hope he's right. I've done an intensive outpatient program at the nearest mental hospital and am taking a handful of pills just so I can get out of bed. I don't know what I'd do if our 22 year old son leaves too. I only have one friend because I just spent the past half of my life ignoring everyone else so I could spend more time with my soon to be ex.

Sorry if it seems like I'm stealing your thunder here. It was just my attempt to relate and say you're not alone. I can't even imagine what would have happened if my wife left when the kids were little like yours.

CB33isGMC · 2022-10-10T18:11:55+00:00

You’re going to have to adjust your perspective and stop playing the victim card.

You’ve discovered that everything you’d imagined to be sacred and concrete was flimsy bullshit.

Now you are a man with nothing left to lose. Sounds like a superhero/supervillain origin story to me.

Embrace change, embrace risk, and start having a hell of a time.

Maximum-Welder3353 · 2022-10-10T17:42:51+00:00

It will get easier!

The pain fucking sucks - it will come and go. Some days i’m okay (7months in, 4months separated) and some days i’m very much not okay but overall it has gotten easier.

Try not to drown the feelings with alcohol or drugs.

Treat yourself with kindness. It’s okay to not feel okay.

Dm me if you want.

SnooDucks2052 · 2022-10-10T18:33:49+00:00

Bro yo wife is bogus. Focus on your babies, yo children.

taknpics · 2022-10-10T22:56:53+00:00

Fuck that bitch, don’t try to figure her out, get back to being you and have fun with your kids.

azsb23 · 2022-10-11T03:51:35+00:00

Friend, listen to me. This will pass. I feel the pain in your words. All of us have been there. It’s a death. Death of a marriage and of a wife. A life. Mourn her, the marriage, the life you thought you were going to have. Stay away from her, don’t ask about her, follow her on social media, need to go cold turkey. Only deal with her when it comes to the kids. Keep it about them, then turn her off again. It’s hard. Believe me. Believe me. But. I’m here to tell you, you will and CAN get through this. I thought I was going to die without her. But I’m still breathing and it’s been 10 years now. Always here if you need a support buddy. Hang in there. I promise you will be ok

Freefaller6 · 2022-10-11T10:59:42+00:00

She lives 3 hours away with 50/50? Revenge #1-have your lawyer make her move closer or do all the driving for pick up and drop off. Not sure where you are, but in FL, you are not allowed to live more than 50 miles apart.

Jbr74 · 2022-10-10T18:05:05+00:00

It's going to get harder, but then it's going to get much better, and the better, is going to be better than it has been.

(Might not make sense, but it will one day)

phalo · 2022-10-10T18:18:19+00:00

I'm early in the process, and my STBXW didn't cheat (that I know of, I'm 99% sure she didn't) but she decided to go on dating apps before I moved out, and is not hiding the fact at all. Unfortunately, I saw some of the messages and let me tell you, that destroyed me for a day or two. I was a mess, even though I recognize the marriage is over and I don't want to be with her. It's hard, you'll have bad days and better days. Highly recommend seeking therapy or group meets if you can't afford therapy. Talking about your feelings and emotions with someone is so helpful.

Bulldawg45_USMC8541 · 2022-10-10T20:12:41+00:00

I would like to add that you could benefit from finding and surrounding yourself with people that you know would advocate for you given the opportunity.

derelictherds · 2022-10-10T23:44:06+00:00

How long ago did this happen and has the divorce been finalized?
Focus on yourself and your children. They need you. Get yourself into therapy if you can swing it. It's not a silver bullet, but can certainly help you gain perspective and develop a coping strategy.

I'm curious to know how 50/50 custody works since she lives 3 hours away... I'm assuming your children aren't yet school-aged?

As for your wife's due reward... People who make shitty life choices usually end up with shit in life. No magical thinking or really any effort required on your end. She'll get what she has coming to her. My ex did what yours did and ultimately abandoned our children. It's been about four years since all that went down and her life is in the shitter nowadays. She is absolutely getting what she deserves.

david10277 · 2022-10-11T00:07:37+00:00

Your wife is goofy ..

Take the ass to court and get support She wont apologize so dont wait that.

Focus on yourself and your kids..

Shes for the streets and someone else's problem

upvotersfortruth · 2022-10-11T03:34:50+00:00

She did you a favor by filing. Get it over and done with while she's still living under the guilt so you can get a good deal before she decides it's all your fault and goes scorched earth. Focus on the business and mechanics of the divorce as best you can to get it done and dusted. Don't delay. Don't look back. You need to do this to get maximal time with your kids. Plenty of time for therapy when it's over.

tylerdurdensoapmaker · 2022-10-10T17:45:34+00:00

Gonna get so much easier you will look back at this message and marvel at how far you have come. Stick with it for your kids, get yourself support and community, work out, get the best attorney you can afford and force yourself out of your house. Also be thankful you have 50-50 custody at this point without having to brawl just get 50-50. Get yourself good child care or nanny if you can swing that so you aren’t overwhelmed. You got this.

pk2at · 2022-10-10T19:49:52+00:00

Future lesson, always apply for legal separation a month after marriage. That way if marriage breaks down later, you are legally protected

Millhouse201 · 2022-10-10T22:47:24+00:00

You could also have 100k debt unpaid taxes and the only possible outcome of homelessness to add to it… count your blessing so wish I could be in your shoes

Theedon · 2022-10-11T00:13:00+00:00

The pain gets duller each day. Find support groups because talking and listening to other people helps. The new person your EX turned into is not the same person you married. She is gone and you can treat this like a death in the family. Grieving helps, let yourself experience those emotions. On the other side waits a new you.

Zealousideal-Duck670 · 2022-10-11T01:15:02+00:00

Sorry to hear about your situation. Life can be very cruel. Unfortunately the road ahead is a tough one. Please stay strong for your children and focus your energy on making a better life for yourself and the kids.

ATLien66 · 2022-10-11T03:29:26+00:00

This will be the best thing that happened to you. It just doesn’t appear so now.

I settled with my ex, taking a hit in the market and betting on the value of my own appreciating and growing business. In exchange for < 50-50 custody of my son.

If there were one thing I would pay anything more, it’s more time with my so n.

zippyweinstein · 2022-10-11T03:45:35+00:00

Get medication for depression and anxiety if you need to. She abandoned you and the family after cheating and skipped town to live with mom. That’s not normal, and now your kids get to travel 3 hours back and forth and their lives and yours are in upheaval because of her. There’s nothing wrong with some righteous anger and contempt at her morally weak character. This is like a wound that just takes time to heal.

bsav_p · 2022-10-11T10:36:52+00:00

Been there. It will be rough for a while but before you know it you will have a new life on your terms and it will be fucking awesome.

HorrorAd1946 · 2022-10-11T13:40:46+00:00

I understand your pain as many above have as well. Will she get what she has coming, that is the wrong focus which will only destroy you. You will have to learn that she is choosing the life she wants to live, regardless of whether you understand it, or hurt by it. In the end, we all have to answer for the life choices we make, just not on our timing or schedule.

I echo the comments above, focus on healing yourself. I have read it takes most men 2-4 years to recover and heal from divorce. We tend to get into other relationships to make things easier, but fail to heal ourselves first and end up making the same mistakes.

YIu will survive, and will have times out of the blue that you just fall to pieces, but remind yourself, you are here, you are living and this doesn't have to determine your future. Reach out to men's groups in your area, or other social groups. Get involved in charity work, your local church or other activities that help focus on others, you will find your problems don't seem so large and is a good way to refocus your emotions and pain. Best of luck

BumbleSqump · 2022-10-11T14:55:22+00:00

You’ll get through. I had almost the same situation except my wife and I had only been together five years, but same thing in that I discovered her affair and she divorced me shortly after.

Honestly the only thing that kept me from ending it is marijuana. A friend of mine brought me a bag of edibles. Said to have one when I want to have some happiness. And it worked for me. I also meet up with my brother at local breweries and drink a bunch of tasty beer. I recognize this isn’t always the best advice but drinking and drugs absolutely saved my life. Give yourself a break from being mentally tough, if you don’t let yourself crack a little you might shatter entirely.

MoronLoserF · 2022-10-11T16:46:58+00:00

I just went through separation. We both wanted it so I guess that was easier on the heart.

I let her go. Signed up to the gym. Bought myself gifts. Moved in with my parents. Got 50/50 with the kids. Visited massage spas. Its been 3 months. Sometimes I miss her and I can’t help it. But yeh I was miserable with her, less miserable now. As time passes it gets better. But you need to invest in your self and future. Eat out, earn more money, go on long drives, go to hikes and trails, go to the gym. Anytime you feel too down visit massage spas. Love your kids. Invest time with them. Learn to respect their mother. Slowly move on get better in every aspect of your life. Don’t hope for the worst for your ex and don’t be vengeful. It just causes more pain and grief. Just know that you are better off without her. You will find someone to be with and grow old with but now focus only on yourself and your kids.

Radio-7159 · 2022-10-12T17:55:39+00:00

I'm six months in. The shock is brutal, so totally get it. Wife walked, seen her twice in six months, going through divorce/sale of house etc. Me and daughter (her step daughter) still live here. No affair, nothing like that. More bad communication than anything else, fell out of love with me etc.. still not 100% sure. Was so sudden though, No previous talk of unhappiness, No trying again, no counciling etc. Looking back I was a pretty shit husband in the last few months. Life dealt us some shite all within a few months, wife illnes/hospital visits and operations, holidays cancelled, cars stolen, storm damage and my father diagnosed with cancer... and more. After so many lock downs and then all this, I reacted badly, moody, distant, she left and that was that. Such a shame we didn't talk about how we felt, we we're both feeling it but failed to support eachother I suppose. nothing I can do now. She lives with her freind who is a good down to earth women. I think shes hurting just as much.. I may be way off the mark here but I get the idea she hasn't been great either. I can hear it in her voice when we speak sometimes, I offer support but she says she fine (I know my wife though), were pretty amicable so that helps, but sometimes makes it harder as we communicate well about divorce/selling up etc.. its so strange.

What helps? Good company with friends/family has helped the most, but can't always see them. I Seperated before, was glad to be out of that relationship, but still was tough. was never married but what helped then was I bought a small house, renovated it, mountain biked my arse off, through mud, rain, snow, at night through forests with powerful lamps on the bike, was out for hours sometimes. Joined a band, kids were younger so anything i planned they absolutly loved. So was easy to entertain them.

However this time, after building my life back together, marrying my wife, two house renovations, amazing holidays and experiences together, us finally getting some financial freedom and it failing again has really done a number on me.

Hobbies, I have loads but absolutely no interest in them since the split. Just drink beers and smoke fags (not every day mind), have a holiday booked next week and regularly see freinds but they're all happily married kids etc.. its hard because my STBXW is an amazing women and we had something really special and i kinda failed to appreciate the life we'd built together and let it slip away. But then so did she. Very very sad.

Have an excersise bike, I stick In front of the TV and cycle while watching classic boxing matches on youtube during boring nights. That helped massively, watch Bill Bur on nextflix as well, funny as fuck that guy.

Also bought tickets to see some wicked bands, that really helped, start planning booking things up you'll enjoy, camping with kids, gigs with mates. Fill your life up.

Buy loads of fruit, easy to grab and eat, healthy with no prep. Pineapple, cherry's and chamomile tea will help for sleep.

One guy i know just took out a loan and fucked off on a luxury holiday for month on his own, but no way I'm getting debt again.

Also just got my self a therapist/life coach guy, tried a few councillors and they were crap. This guy however gets it straight away, very positive, fully qualified, straight forward guy, (more like a man you'd chat to in the pub than a health care specialist) cuts out the crap and has actions/plans and techniques for me to use.. Never really been into that stuff but fuck I need it now!!

It's still hard but feel a corner has been turned recently.

Keep active, busy, see your mates, line one up for each night of the week if you can. Walk, drink, run, cycle with them. Whatever helps do it!!

Good luck!

Title	Please someone tell me this gets easier. Tell me I'm going to survive this.
Author	Sea_Capital168
Upvotes	60
Comments	49
Date	October 10, 2022 5:07 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/y0k3yn/please_someone_tell_me_this_gets_easier_tell_me/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/please-someone-tell-me-this-gets-easier-tell-me-im.1134328 https://theredarchive.com/post/1134328

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