Divorcing at 37, wife cheated any suggestions on how to move on?

tyyyy110 · 2022-11-04T21:32:38+00:00

My ex cheated on me. I worked out alot, met new people, became a better version of me basically. It was hard at times, but I knew it had to be done. There was no way, I was gonna stay with a lying cheater.

Do you have kids with her? If so are they your bio kids? Does she work? Make sure to seek out legal counsel asap.

softinvest · 2022-11-04T21:46:35+00:00

Focus on yourself and your kids, if you have any. Read, workout, make new friends and grieve. And don’t jump into another relationship right away. Personally I feel I’ll be happier if I’m not in another relationship for the rest of my life

capnjackstation · 2022-11-04T22:38:28+00:00

52 going through the same thing right now after 18 years together and two young kids. It’s been brutal, just know you’re not alone in this.

akihonj · 2022-11-04T22:17:57+00:00

Ok so you're hurt angry upset scared bitter and probably a few other emotions tossed in for good measure.

Take your time and don't jump into any other relationships for a while. Anything you do now will be focused on revenge for what she did and you'll do that to the next woman in your life.

Work out and exercise as both a way to calm your mind, control your emotions and improve yourself and your confidence.

Look at your job, do you enjoy it, do you or could you be doing something that would make you happy, if yes then what do you need to do to make that happen, figure that out and then go get it.

Reconnect with friends and family, set firm boundaries now and enforce them, keep your friends and family, any hint of being asked to sacrifice them for the relationship is an instant relationship end.

jjfishers · 2022-11-05T02:50:10+00:00

2.5 years post-divorce (6 years married/14 years together) and the thought of another relationship at this point turns my stomach.

Completely content being a father (50/50 custody), focusing on my career, and traveling.

I've checked out a few dating sites but they've reinforced my belief that being single is the way to go for me. Half the profiles are 'tolerant' women that start their bios with 'if you voted for xxxxx swipe left'. No thanks.

thedarkaquarian007 · 2022-11-05T00:45:30+00:00

Yes, have sex with other women.

rickyspanish12345 · 2022-11-04T23:23:54+00:00

I got more babes in their 20s when I was in my late 30s than I ever had in my life.

Get yourself settled up and crush some hotties. You’re gonna feel great!

thrownaway41422 · 2022-11-04T22:29:18+00:00

I'm 44 and feel like I've been ripped in half with a similar situation. I'd give you advice if I had any at all but I don't. I'm just writing to say you're not alone with where you're at right now. My entire life I've gone through thus hell.

monster_dutson · 2022-11-04T22:57:48+00:00

Focus on the gym, your kid, and if you have guy friends reach out and find some healthy support.

Frankgibbonz · 2022-11-05T02:19:09+00:00

My divorce went final a few days ago. It’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Although splitting time with my little one is heartbreaking, my child now gets 100% of me because I’m not being emotionally abused by my ex wife. Once a Cheater, always a cheater. She thinks she leveled up, when in reality this new guy will leave her once he finds out who she really is, she’s love bombing him as we speak. I want to send the guy that took my wife a thank you card, I would’ve kept banging my head against that wall until I was dead just to try and make it work for the kids. Focus on yourself, become mentally and physically better. It’ll benefit everyone in the long run. Especially you.

BlazedGigaB · 2022-11-04T23:42:20+00:00

DMT. Use the clarity to purge any remaining vestiges of attachment/emotional baggage. Like others have also said, work on yourself; go to gym, get outdoors, take a class at the local community College, learn a new hobby, etc.

JohnnyLaw281 · 2022-11-05T00:29:52+00:00

Fuck her sister

Darkfire66 · 2022-11-05T01:38:03+00:00

Pour the love and effort you invested into your spouse into yourself. Become the ideal version of yourself and make your life the one you want. You answer only to yourself now and nothing is stopping you from becoming that person you've always wanted to be, except yourself

strutt3r · 2022-11-05T03:06:26+00:00

Don't look at it as time wasted. Today is the first day of the rest of your life. If you spend your time lamenting what yesterday took you'll miss everything tomorrow brings.

Money-Magnet360 · 2022-11-05T03:16:12+00:00

I know you feel alone, but you gotta keep your chin up 💪

Masypha · 2022-11-05T04:51:08+00:00

Read the unplugged alpha by richard cooper and rational male by rollo tomassi. Work out, heal your traumas, become spiritual (I do it through nondenom Christianity), don't go hurting others.

Certain-Line-6351 · 2022-11-05T00:23:49+00:00

If you can document all of it. If you have screen shots, emails, phone records of said cheating. If you have her on audio or video admitting it is golden.

Play it cool don’t get mad just go cold and short. “That’s cool”. “ whatever”. “Not my problem anymore”.

Focus on you again an not your girl the best revenge is her seeing you with other women.
Get in shape up your fashion a bit keep your hair/beard on point. An go start getting attention. Have fun you tried the marriage thing go back to being a player there’s no point in chasing marriage again pushing 40 if you already have kids.

Enjoy the peak of your life 35-50 is the best shape and looking you’ll ever be if you take care of yourself.

Have fun brother 🤴🏻

Small_Quarter_3673 · 2022-11-04T23:00:22+00:00

Go through the motions for now and deal with the pain but before you know you will be relieved and feel a million times better. For now enjoy your freedom go see friends and family pick up hobbies do a trip get your mind busy

occoptionplaya · 2022-11-05T00:30:57+00:00

Find a male coaching group or men's support system. I found Man on Fire and it has changed my life. Focus on yourself and your growth. Surround yourself with people that love you and support you, drop the users. Your best life is ahead of you. Good luck.

Greadle · 2022-11-05T03:40:36+00:00

I was encouraged during that time by being a petty savage who constantly served up bad news for my ex and her boyfriend. It was pretty wild. But it once she was gone it was like that feeling of getting home from Disney. I looked forward to putting her out for 6 months. 5 of those she didn’t know i was aware of the infidelity. After she was out, i had a huge desire to fill her spot. For me, for my kids, for our home. I had 3 relationships back to back over the next 6 months. They were for self recovery and i didn’t lie about it. That was 7 and half years ago.

Now The ex and i are friends, her and the boyfriend got married, and have a new baby. We all get together for holidays and rent a beach house in the summer, choosing to vacation together. It works out. Remember the good. Tell your kids only about the good. Be positive. You’ll get there

caliguy75 · 2022-11-05T06:46:06+00:00

Great advice. Your plan of action is really great: focus on son, family, career and friends. Focus on staying in shape, eat healthy, stay off alcohol and drugs.

Here is a secure thought: you sexual market value will peak between 45 and 50 if you stay true to your plan. Her sexual market value peaked in her early 20's. She doesn't know it, yet. She will be competing with women that are much younger and hotter for long term relationships. Any woman can have a hook up that will make her feel cool and special. Married guys at work are easy pickings but will be degrading and usually short lived.

My suggestion is that you get some counseling with a trained mental health expert to help smooth the way through this transition. It would be average to be experiencing betrayal trauma. Trauma is its own special hell. There has been a lot written on the subject. You tube has a number of videos on the subject.

All the best to you on your new life journey.

FloridaBroncos · 2022-11-05T11:32:31+00:00

Sounds like no kids since you didn’t mention them so consider yourself very fortunate.

Like others said workout like a beast, get in the best shape of your life, dive into your interests and hobbies and force yourself to be social and go on dates.

Forward-Transition-5 · 2022-11-05T13:48:17+00:00

It seems like you’ve gotten a lot of good advice in the comments for the most part. Here’s one thing I can add about the long term. Since you have kids together be very careful with the communication. Down the road it’s possible for you two to start talking more and you may get along with each other very well. This can lead to you two deciding to try to work things out. I’m not saying it will happen I’m just saying it can. There’s a reason that you two started the relationship and those same thoughts and feelings can start creeping back in. You may start to remember the good things and forget the bad. You may start telling yourself you can work things out and get back what you had. Don’t do it. These things very rarely change. Never go back to a cheating ex. Also don’t ever sleep with her again because that can just mess with your emotions even more and add a lot of confusion. I’m not saying you will do any of this but your mind can play tricks on you sometimes and you need to keep an eye out for that. Also when it comes to the kid try not to be negative about your ex to them or in front of them. What happened only happened between you and her. She’s still their mother and talking bad about her can make them resent you as they aren’t going to share the same opinion of the situation unless they’re old enough to truly understand and that’s typically not until full fledged adulthood. If they ask what happened when they get older don’t lie to them but don’t demonize her. If you raise them right they’ll understand and they’ll love you more for not making her the enemy.

cstick · 2022-11-05T15:02:28+00:00

I was the same age (6 years ago) and for similar reasons, though there was no hope for resolution on either side. I gave everything to my family and sacrificed a lot of myself for their benefit. So my advice is that you be selfish and do whatever TF you want, have fun, do things you would not do before, and do not live to anyone else's standards.

But you also need to take care of business for your future. If you have children then take all the custody you can and protect your assets. Like others have suggested, find hobbies, get laid (with a gf or not), probably give yourself at least 3-5 years before you even consider marriage again (if ever).

garbage_burner · 2022-11-05T16:16:57+00:00

Prepare for some deep and hard work. Stay open to it. Be the best you can be for yourself and if you have any, your kids. Quit substances like alcohol. Channel your frustrations and anger into exercise. Walk 10 miles with good headphones if necessary. Swim. Run. Open yourself to a spiritual awakening. Let the synchronicities guide you. Trust your instinct again. Get a therapist. Explore internal family systems. Take psychedelics, mushrooms lsd. Take back your autonomy and recognize and be grateful for it everyday. Connect with your friends and family again. Be okay with flings. Maybe not date for some time and square up with yourself. Identify the you that the ego won’t allow you to see and you’ll be much happier in the end. Recognize joy is fleeting and when it presents itself, stay in it for as long as you can.

07vintageR · 2022-11-05T19:08:30+00:00

Divorced at 22 and she cheated too. There’s multiple stages to it. I’m a lot younger than you so things are different, but the grief and pain is the same. You can’t look at her the same anymore, try not to. Focus on yourself and the worth you have. And absolutely no matter what, define your self based off of the knife she put in your back. What people decide to do has nothing to do with us, if you blame yourself you won’t be able to move on, it will limit your progression which is crucial. Self esteem is a big hitter for me, try CBT Therapy. I got the app on my phone and it helps a lot. This is all about recognizing where we can put our minds and hearts in a safe place to heal the wound. Right now I’ve been moving between anger and low self esteem. But we have to keep our heads above water so we don’t drown while we heal too. Don’t look to social media or any other temporary fix to escape, open up that bottle and pour your emotions on paper, don’t bottle it in. If we can face these wounds head on, right there is already showing your strength.

jefflac84 · 2022-11-05T13:56:08+00:00

thanks for all the kind words and advise

jefflac84 · 2023-03-30T15:11:51+00:00

Thanks for all your support, just an update not sure if I am better place but I have learned to accept my current situation we are separating amicably, I am moving to a new place 50-50 split with childcare, I am also taking accountability as I know I wasnt a perfect partner and I could have been better. We could have been better. To the guys in similar spot we will be ok, sometimes you have to tear what seems to be working to build a new one (not sure if better but a new life).

jefflac84 · 2023-05-01T23:00:51+00:00

Update finally moved out got my own place, couldn't be happier, I feel free, peaceful and finally in control. Nothing else matter apart from my son, job, my new house, and pursuing financial freedom. Stay strong my brothers.

Physical_Listen5649 · 2022-11-04T23:20:14+00:00

Focus on what you did wrong in the marriage. Accept it. Take accountability. And deal with it so it doesn’t happen next time.

Work on being the best version of your self.

Do the things that make you happy not others.

If you’re a parent focus on being the best you can be.

DivorceCoachMarcin · 2022-11-06T00:38:47+00:00

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Title	Divorcing at 37, wife cheated any suggestions on how to move on?
Author	jefflac84
Upvotes	23
Comments	63
Date	November 4, 2022 9:25 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/ymaxrd/divorcing_at_37_wife_cheated_any_suggestions_on/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/divorcing-at-37-wife-cheated-any-suggestions-on.1138087 https://theredarchive.com/post/1138087

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