She wants to work things out, but she's seeing someone and doesn't know I know

NgoloC · 2022-10-31T16:52:18+00:00

At the end of summer my wife said she wanted to work things out came home early from a night out and cuddled upto me in bed, I asked her was it just because summer was over and she's had her fun or did she really want to work it out. 3weeks later she left her phone on the kitchen counter open on a message from her manager they had been seeing each other for months, for months she had lied to my face, even tried gaslighting me telling me im overreacting and they haven't even done anything even tho I seen the messages with my own eyes. Couple days later I sat with her and asked for full honesty and why she would ask me to work it out if she's been with her manager she just replied oh sometimes I just want to work it out other times I don't not a care in the world about how it damages me mentally or emotionally. These women have no issue lying and they are damn good at it, I hope she isn't seeing someone in that way and you can work it out if that's what you really want if not shut it down

mehmench · 2022-10-31T17:55:53+00:00

Yeah, my ex who was cheating didn't want to give her sidepiece up or me up.

I still filed for divorce.

She's STILL pissed and it's been years.

guy_n_cognito_tu · 2022-10-31T15:12:09+00:00

What she's really doing is keeping you on the hook (financially, of course) until she figures out if this new guy is gonna work out or not. I wouldn't waste any additional time in this marriage.

I'm also not so sure how much of a legal advantage you'll have due to her cheating. Most states have gone to " no fault" divorce, and even if that option is available to you, it's very expensive.

dday_throwaway3 · 2022-10-31T15:46:46+00:00

She doesn't want to work it out. Things with Mr. Wonderful are falling apart. You are her Plan B. You are an ATM to her.

Divorce her. Counseling is a WOMBAT: waste of money brains and time. Genuine desire cannot be negotiated.

ChompySnack · 2022-10-31T18:07:36+00:00

ALL women have a stable of men they maintain in various states of friend-zoneship. That’s just how they are biologically wired and socially raised. The top prospects get their focus. Single women are fairly open about this but married women don’t ever really drop this behavioral pattern, their husband just has a (hopefully insurmountable) priority due to fatherhood, breadwinner, deep connection, etc. If your wife has put you down to second place then there is something seriously wrong with her, your relationship, or both. Unless the competition is Brad Pitt, you no longer enjoy the inherent advantages of the spouse/father and it will be difficult if not impossible to regain that status, in fact that status is now a disadvantage because she already took you off the top.

I would confront her immediately and file for divorce. Maybe that will snap her out of it but probably not. She’s already shown that even after you discovered the cheating she isn’t going to stop. It might be nothing to her but it’s everything to you.

playerknowmore · 2022-10-31T18:58:03+00:00

She might make more than you, but odds are he doesn't make more than you. Women are always talking about getting a high value man, but normally at best they make a lateral move.

derelictherds · 2022-10-31T21:00:14+00:00

Play dumb and let her think you're dumb. The affair might be valuable as leverage later.

Barkaat · 2022-10-31T15:45:41+00:00

Yeah you’re plan B for her if things with the affair partner doesn’t work out. Leave her she’s not worth it

lsudo · 2022-10-31T20:18:57+00:00

Right there with you. My STBX was banging some guy on the side “secretly” or so she thought. For months after I separated she kept bringing up the fact that this was on me since she still wanted it to work out. All whilst still dating her side piece. Wait out as long as you can stand it. Wait it out as much as you can and document everything you can. Keep your nose clean. Just remember this can slowly whittle away at your sanity so don’t stay deep too long.

DntCareBears · 2022-10-31T17:50:32+00:00

Lose the divorce? Please explain. Women dont loose in Womens court. Amuse me. Its Monday. 🥴

georeddit2018 · 2022-10-31T17:52:09+00:00

You are the back up guy. May is suggest confronting he about her for been dishonest and let he know that you know she has a man. Of course she is gonna deny it.

AxhuntERxoFx · 2022-10-31T18:25:40+00:00

This breaks my heart. Im lost as how to handle my own divorce. Still trying to figure that out.

captainchippsixx · 2022-10-31T21:40:21+00:00

Yes she hooked up man. Don’t question it. Go forward with divorce plan.

Small_Quarter_3673 · 2022-11-01T04:01:55+00:00

I would do what women do. I would get a tro change the locks and make her life miserable. Let her jump through the hoops like they make men jump through. And oh yeah file for a divorce after you have a solid plan in place

rubix_fucked · 2022-11-01T09:20:15+00:00

Let this continue quietly while you develop your legal strategy.

Ambitious-Cheetah-36 · 2022-11-01T12:48:10+00:00

meh, hard pass. If she was serious about you, she wouldnt be seeing other ppl. I demand fedelity.

deadBeefCafe2014 · 2022-10-31T23:50:07+00:00

You could ask during counseling who so and so is by name.

akihonj · 2022-11-01T11:45:26+00:00

Have to be honest I'd scorch her, burn her to the ground at the therapists office, not directly or course but I'd play with it for about the first 15 minutes and then nuke her at that point and spend the rest of the session telling her that the sessions exist only to agree the terms of the divorce.

ZombieJetPilot · 2022-11-01T12:42:43+00:00

So you say you're not sure, so ask her. It's obviously a heavy thing on your mind and you might be right or uou might be totally wrong.

I've had lots of female friends that my wife's friends have said must be my APs, which was 100% false. Just ask.

capacioushandbag · 2022-11-01T13:15:47+00:00

If I were to hazard a guess, she loves you and wants to be with you but doesn't feel loved in return.

Longjumping_Proof_43 · 2022-10-31T20:54:34+00:00

If you honestly want to work things out, do the marriage counseling. If your done, don't go and move on. If you think it's worth a try, do it. You can always just tell her you know about the other dude, your trust with her is broken, and the disrespect that she's showing you by hiding things from you will not be tolerated. If your hearts not into it then it's already done and not worth the time to go to counseling. My wife and I are going to counseling now because I want it to work. Not just for our kids but because I do love my wife and I want her in my life. I don't technically need her in my life but I want her in it.

Counseling will not fix everything, but it does allow you to have someone there to moderate the dialog that you are having with her. Logic doesn't work when your arguing, in fact, it tends to drive women away. If she honestly wanted to work things out she would put forth an effort to try to change what is driving you two away from one another. Set boundaries and let her know that if she's serious she'll stop talking to ol dude and put forth the effort, if not then keep moving forward. You got this big homie. You deserve someone who will give you the same respect that you give.

rhett342 · 2022-11-01T01:17:52+00:00

Also, who lies to their therapist like that? That's messed up. I mean, my stbx did too so you're not alone.

CleburnCO · 2022-11-01T20:54:54+00:00

Get what proof you can and be cold. Factual, direct, honest, and without emotion...

Don't play games with her. Don't give open ended "whatever you want" statements. Set and enforce boundaries and timelines. Drive the boat to where you want it to be.

If the M is over, put it in the grave and move on.

CrazySanta7 · 2022-11-11T13:05:10+00:00

F no. Stop counseling and go file. 'Just a friend' is womans speak for......i'm hooking up with him, but keeping you as plan B if it does not work out. I mean, if your courts honor infidelity you could gather evidence first, but most courts do not FN care. Why would you waste another minute on this woman? Rip the band aid off the inevitable.

Title	She wants to work things out, but she's seeing someone and doesn't know I know
Author	soontobesolo
Upvotes	25
Comments	69
Date	October 31, 2022 3:07 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/yieq4m/she_wants_to_work_things_out_but_shes_seeing/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/she-wants-to-work-things-out-but-shes-seeing.1208278 https://theredarchive.com/post/1208278

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