Q4W: What are your sexual values and why?

DorianneGrey · 2022-08-18T01:55:01+00:00

There’s a very significant difference between values and personal preferences.

Values: I do not, and never have, believed that casual sex is a good idea for me morally.

Values: I believe that, for me, sexual activities are best as a private encounter between 2 people who care about each other. That means no other partners, no extra partners, no photos or video, no public intimacy.

Preference: ok with using a feather, not ok with using the whole chicken…aka, kink-lite.

Preference: a healthy sex life, for me, is a mixture of fucking and making love. Neither exclusively is a positive.

Preference AND values: the bedroom is a “sacred” safe space and has distinct and impenetrable borders. Nothing that occurs between enthusiastically consenting partners is fair game as ammunition outside the bedroom or to be shared outside of the relationship for any reason. Violation of this destroys sexual intimacy and vulnerability forever and spells the end of the relationship.

Scarypaperplates · 2022-08-18T03:12:10+00:00

Mine is no sex before marriage, its controversial and old fashioned I know which is why I dont expect it to be widely accepted, epsecially as I learned on this sub a lot of men consider a woman wanting to make them their husband as a bad thing not a good thing which, imo, is sad.

Flightlessbirbz · 2022-08-18T02:06:27+00:00

I’m quite open-minded when it comes to fully consensual sexual activities with a committed partner who I can talk to frankly about sex. Not so keen on casual sex, or any sort of unexpected BDSM-type stuff that’s been normalized by porn. I’m not moralizing kink as “wrong,” but you still need trust and explicit consent for that stuff, and I dislike the notion that “vanilla” sex is boring or that someone always has to be “dominate.” Changing up who’s in control (with full consent) can bring some variety to your sex life, but I don’t think I could be with someone who always expected to be dominate or vice versa. To me, oral is a normal part sex, but I also understand it’s not for everyone and those people shouldn’t do it.

So yeah, my main “value” when it comes to sex is consent. Real consent, not pressured consent. And personally, I don’t have any use for casual hookups, but I don’t judge others for doing so if it makes them happy.

suncaster_ · 2022-08-18T02:57:05+00:00

I hate BDSM and anything violent or rough. Call me vanilla, whatever. I like to be treated gently and affectionately, I like trying new positions but I find most kinks to be degenerate and violent, especially race play which men seem to approach me most with due to my being a Black woman. The assumption that I’m freakier makes me feel disgusting and turns me off immediately, so I tend to avoid casual sex.

I have a strict no head until marriage rule. It’s a personal thing..

sarkington · 2022-08-18T01:22:38+00:00

I am Reddit-old, and my tastes/proclivities are very much pre-internet/pre-internet porn, so I am extremely boring. Modern sexuality seems like a bad case of ADHD to me; you guys are just so impatient and full of FOMO

Apocalypstik · 2022-08-18T03:53:13+00:00

I have some pretty firm boundaries of what I will or won’t do but I’m fairly open to experimenting.

One night stands—I don’t bother. It’s a preference for me. I’m non-judgy about peoples preferences but I tend to veer monogamous too—even with a FwB. For one I don’t have time to invest in multiple love/sex interests and a regular partner figures out what you like eventually.

I have no hang ups about virginity—I find it quite ridiculous. I think sampling the goods to see if you’re sexually compatible with a potential long term partner is also important to gauge compatibility

fools_errand49 · 2022-08-18T01:16:47+00:00

No sex before marriage, QED

CanYouTieThemInABow · 2022-08-18T01:43:14+00:00

No PIV before marriage, and no dating except for the purpose of finding a husband.

If my husband wants to try it and I don't absolutely hate the idea, I'll give it a try. But I'm probably the more adventurous one anyway.

This isn't out of moral concerns. I'm just curious with a high libido and extremely restricted sociosexuality.

FineDevelopment00 · 2022-08-18T01:46:46+00:00

Are you more sexually liberal or libertine? More traditional or conservative?

Hmmm... The libertines would consider me a prude, but the radtrads would consider me a bit libertine.

Do you adjust based on the guy or the relationship stage?

The latter; I adhere to the values of premarital abstinence.

Have you personally changed in your stance over time?

Nope; I've been consistent in this.

also why.

Several reasons both religious (I believe this is what God wants) and practical (I see the utter dumpsterfire that hookup culture is and the unnecessary drama it tends to cause on all levels.)

beleidigtewurst · 2022-08-18T09:00:39+00:00

not every woman loves giving head

What a misleading title. Wow. I mean, emphasis on "loves" right?

So the stats in the article are:

28 percent of women say it is “very pleasurable.”

over half of the women said it was “somewhat pleasurable,”

17 percent just didn’t enjoy giving oral

So, yeah, like 1 in 6 does not like it, it isn't "every" indeed.

But keep in mind that About 10% to 15% of women have never had an orgasm.

EulenWatcher · 2022-08-18T02:31:37+00:00

I'm demi and risk-averse, so it dictates views on sex as well. I've never had casual sex nor have intentions to. I can't feel attraction towards people I don't have emotional connection with and a FWB doesn't provide enough security for me. So it's sex in exclusive monogamous relationship for me. And to be more precise - only withy husband, who's also the only man I've ever been with.

My values and preferences did change a bit over time. As a teen I wanted to have some fun dating around and I thought I barely ever found anyone romantically appealing, because I lived in a village and didn't meet a lot of new people. It took some time to figure out that I'm demi. And after actually having sex I've also realized that I couldn't have it with a person I didn't fully trust to. Sex puts you in a way too vulnerable position.

Considering what actually happens in the bedroom, I'm pretty open-minded, although I have some "no go areas". I'm not into hard-core BDSM or any kind of humiliation. And as I can't feel attraction to strangers, threesomes and swingering are also out of the question. Taking aside extremely niche kinks, I'm okay with trying out other things. Oral is fun and I perform it each time we have sex. Anal, from the other hand, requires tedious preparation, so I'm not a fan.

I'm not sure that that other use was talking just about oral though. I think constant nagging for oral/anal/whatever can be compared to nagging overall although it's worse when it's about sex imv. Having said that I have no issues with people enjoying casual sex or kinks I don't share. I don't think they're necessarily immoral, to each its own.

januaryphilosopher · 2022-08-18T07:43:15+00:00

I see exclusivity before sex as the natural way of things. I don't think it's good to have sex before love. I think having less partners is better for both men and women, but if you're more promiscuous another promiscuous person is likely a better match. Sex is fine between any two (or more I guess, but I wouldn't recommend it) consenting adults, but a large age gap is likely to cause problems. Gay and straight sex should be treated the same. Nobody is owed sex, and you shouldn't pressure anyone into having sex they don't want.

BlackPorcelainDoll · 2022-08-18T02:44:59+00:00

I have always been lusty and sensual. Ever since very little. By this, I don't mean the act of sex necessarily, but also that. I mastered my body very young; not just sexually, but found my talents in almost everything early. But also, I wasn't going to sleep until I did. My sexual energy manifests or releases in just about everything; and I don't like restriction. I value freedom to be lusty about everything. Life, sex, trees and crayons.

I am passionate about sex and passionate about music. I am lusty about pineapples and the human body. I am in love with my body and in love with others bodies. Intense focus and drive, not indulgence and gluttony. My sexual values are not different from my personal values, they are exactly the same, and they govern every move I make everywhere.

If I was a celibate nun, I would just be the top #1 nun serving under Jesus Christ.

If I was a whore, I'd just be the biggest one to ever walk the streets. It is just how I am wired.

One of my best friends is a Muslim, the exact opposite of me. She said for those that don't worship a God, they worship everything else. That is me and neither is wrong. I value that freedom of dissent and lust, so does she, which is why we are best friends.

2022-08-18T04:57:51+00:00

Nasty. But only in relationships.

JustSmores · 2022-08-18T05:08:39+00:00

When dating, I’m conservative and would only do oral/nudes. In a relationship, I am pretty liberal and I generally love to please my man as long as it doesn’t involve children or animals. But taboo stuff like anal, deepthroating, and car/wilderness sex are some of the stuff we do together.

If I ever found myself single, I would probably become celibate. It seems like dating sucks these days and it will only get worse in the future. If I did manage to find a new man, I wouldn’t be any different and I would do the stuff he likes because I get most of my pleasure from pleasuring the one I love.

WaffleBurner96 · 2022-08-18T12:25:17+00:00

What is meant by sexual “values?”

I had lots of casual sex. I had sex within relationships. I know that sex with someone with whom you’re in love is better than sex with strangers. I don’t believe that having many sexual partners decrease’s anyones value, renders them incapable of bonding, or makes them more likely to cheat/divorce. (There are other associated factors, of course, but the promiscuity isn’t the cause in and of itself.)

I’ve tried lots of things. I liked lots of things. I’m open to new sexual experiences. I still like kinky sex AND loving, vanilla sex. I think kinky sex can be psychologically healing. I like pleasing my partner.

I occasionally watch and read porn, but I don’t need it. I’m okay with my partners doing the same, provided it’s not CP or revenge porn or other kinds that are clearly taking advantage of the participant(s).

I like sex with both men and women, but lean heavily towards men. (They’re easier.) Hubby and I are partially non-monogamous, but we rarely seek out other partners, and I have no desire to be with other men at this point (but I would do it if that’s what Hubby wanted.) I want to explore whether or not I am capable of feeling jealousy or possessiveness. I believe it is tied in closely with feelings of security vs insecurity.

I would not participate in any sexual activity that isn’t legal or moral.

fakingandnotmakingit · 2022-08-18T01:59:22+00:00

I have sex when I want to, usually when I start feeling a strong emotional connection with a guy.

I don't necessarily wait for commitment, but I'm also not keen to be a one and done. So I tend to wait slightly to make sure he's at least as into me as I am into him. So more like, I'm up for sex early on but only if I think you'll stick around after. Don't need a relationship, but definitely need more than just sexual interest.

Due to that I've twice had sex before an official first date, but I've generally hung out around the guys a few times. All my relationships have come from my social circle so we'd have been hanging out together before the first date even happens.

I had casual sex once. Fun but not for me.

I don't mind getting a bit rough, but I don't get into anything bdsm. Deep throat me and I'm liable to bite your cock. Do anything outside vanilla without us discussing beforehand and I'm kicking you in the nuts and throwing you out.

If I'm having sex with a new partner I don't do piv until I get off. Until I can trust you to give an O, I'm not taking any chances. I've heard of enough guys who refuse to learn or believe their way is better (not listening to me about what I want) or just don't care to give am an O if I don't get one myself.

mlo9109 · 2022-08-18T17:29:24+00:00

I'm demisexual. I need an emotional connection before a sexual one. However, I am straight and female, so my focus is on men. I grew up in church, which provided a great cover for this until I learned what it was in my 30s after my cousin shared an article on Facebook.

As a result, modern dating has been a shit show. Men either get bored or frustrated and disappear into the void as soon as they realize I won't "put out" as quickly as they'd like. I know the right person will respect me for it, but it does suck sometimes.

mackenzie013_02 · 2022-08-18T01:19:10+00:00

I’m pretty liberal I’d say - the dirtier the better. 🤷🏻‍♀️ I love pleasuring my partner and I’d try most things at least once. I’m expecting the same from my partner.

I’m not into anything too rough and casual sex tho. I’d never experiment or dare to try anything wild with a completely new partner. It takes some time to build trust and progress into dirtier things.

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SoopaHott · 2022-08-18T01:30:42+00:00

Very liberal with women Very conservative with men

Stunning-Potato-1984 · 2022-08-18T02:51:42+00:00

I wouldn't say libertine but I've participated in some d&s play and I'm into some sex acts less popular with the women I know so there's that.

I am pretty cautious so I have to know someone is safe before I engage in anything. Then I'm like 0 to 100 once I'm comfortable.

Highest preference is to have sex in a committed relationship. Unless I was single, bored, and wanted kink. But I don't attach any morality to sex between consenting adults.

I'm pretty into my partner and we've been together awhile now. I really love fucking him and have zero desire to fuck anyone else ever again.

RealNiceLady · 2022-08-18T03:11:53+00:00

I don't know if I want to maintain my virginity until marriage or start having a hoe phase.

medlabunicorn · 2022-08-18T07:14:57+00:00

I’m pretty vanilla, but I consider that a personal preference and not a ‘value.’ My values are more that 1)everything must be consensual, and 2)nothing should be painful or degrading, and 3)all parties involved should enjoy themselves.

Katatonicsnake · 2022-08-18T08:56:31+00:00

Honey, they don’t call it a job for nothing.

I don’t really know what’s considered liberal/conservative in this context, but I guess I’m not as open minded as most of my friends. I have never been interested in having multiple partners or trying new things when it comes to sex. I mean I can try many things, but I need time to get used to the idea (instead of being spontaneous).

My rule has always been that I wouldn’t give head outside a committed long term relationship, because to me that’s more serious than piv.

SwimmingTheme3736 · 2022-08-18T09:01:41+00:00

I really enjoy turning my husband on. Watching his reaction knowing I can do that for him is amazing.

So far he has never asked me to do anything I haven’t done, somethings took some talking about first.

I’d say I’m pretty adventurous, I love that 10 years later we are still surprising each other, that we stil have a great sex life, though it takes work on both sides.

2022-08-18T12:30:43+00:00

I think sex is a mutually enjoyable act that both people should enjoy. I think the majority of decent humans enjoy sex by proxy. They enjoy it when the other person enjoys it and so on. I think seeing sex as something you so to another person and they endure is either indicative of sociopathy or brainwashing of detrimental puritan ideals.
I think some humans are more sociosexual than others, and I think many women need comfort and chemistry before having sex with others. I also think that many women do not need this, such as myself.
I will only do sex acts that I 100% enjoy and I expect the same with men. I do not want "favours" and I do not give 'favours'. This is why it's important to commit to someone you have sexual chemistry with.
This is not an opinion but fact: Women's anatomy means that regular thrusting will it likely make them cum. Their pleasure center is in the Clitoris. The distance of the clitoris to the vagina entrance will determine if a woman can cum from regular PIV, and these women are a minority.

For the majority, orgasm is achieved through external stimulation via rubbing with hands, licking or a grinding motion (the latter is not achievable for a lot).

https://medicalxpress.com/news/2016-04-anatomy-key-female-orgasm.html

Hollywood and porn has skewed our view on sex in such a grand way that the majority of humans still think sex is about thrusting and cumming. As a teenager I watched sex and the city and even they didn't touch on that.

I think there is a serious lack of academia around kinks, so I'm unsure how and why they manifest the way they do. I think sometimes they manifest from trauma and it's a subconscious way to deal with it. Sometimes I think kinks manifest from your first sexual memories, for example the first porn you watched.
Porn can, and does alter the way we see sex. If you constantly reward yourself with orgasms after watching something, you will like that thing more. Therefore if you have a kink that isn't salubrious, I think it's sensible to refrain from wanking to it.
Lastly, as you asked about me personally. I thing sex is really important to my own wellbeing and sexual frustration is bad for my mental health. I do not want to marry someone that may or may not have sexual chemistry with. Therefore I have explored my sexuality and only commit to men that satisfy me sexually. I have never been in a dead bedroom, I have never had a boyfriend who was a selfish lover and I have always looked forward to fucking my boyfriend's immensely.

ahaeood · 2022-08-18T14:34:24+00:00

I don’t date : 1- influencers or anyone “too active” on social media. 2- men who cannot financially support themselves 3- men who are not family oriented.

RocinanteCoffee · 2022-08-18T16:44:16+00:00

Firstly the study you reference said that most of the women find giving oral sex pleasurable (83%) and that half of those found it VERY pleasurable, so most women do love giving head, but a smaller subset within that 83% REALLY love giving head. It makes sense, studies from the last couple decades show that while intercourse remains popular, giving head is one of the 2nd most popular and beloved sexual acts among all genders.

My sexual values (for myself) are legion, but I'm condensing them to a more simplified list:

No sex until the chemistry is fierce, my safety needs are met (theirs too, admittedly), we both agree on how to prevent pregnancy and STIs
No penetrative sex without a condom until we've done recent STI checks and have time in between other partners
My partner has to enthusiastically consent, if I offer and they respond with a neutral "sure" I'm going to discuss it with it more to make sure they genuinely want it and aren't just giving in
There is no set number of days or dates, when it feels right and we have the right results/have agreed to the right protection, and have a private space to collude and both want this to happen, it will
Bare minimum of hygiene standards
We are clear on what we want and what this means (clearly state this does not mean we are in a relationship, also agree to be forthright if we have slept with anyone/exchanged fluids after a recent STI test so as to protect each others' health)
Regularly check in with each other to see if someone's catching feelings, if we decide to spend some exclusive time with each other et cetera
Clearly, cleanly, and completely sever the sexual relationship if one of us wants to move the relationship in an area one of us isn't willing to go (for example I only want something casual)

goats-egg · 2022-08-18T21:27:05+00:00

I don't wanna have sex until marriage cause it sounds scary. I would really rather have a deep emotional relationship with someone before I am willing to do anything of the sort.

as for bjs... idk sticking a flesh stick in my mouth doesn't seem very appealing. My only perspective on this is porn tho and it looks kinda degrading and gross (same with sex). Hopefully my experience will be different

Q4W: What are your sexual values and why?

I strongly discourage other guys from harassing women for their choices either.

Comments

So, yeah, like 1 in 6 does not like it, it isn't "every" indeed.

Title	Q4W: What are your sexual values and why?
Author	w_a_worthy_coconut
Upvotes	14
Comments	136
Date	August 18, 2022 1:02 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/wr5m0n/q4w_what_are_your_sexual_values_and_why/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/q4w-what-are-your-sexual-values-and-why.1209058 https://theredarchive.com/post/1209058