In the initial stages of dating there are a lot of things that men are culturally expected to do and take responsibility for. A woman almost never tells a man explicitly that he has to do these things, but after a while a man realizes that he will have trouble getting into any type of relationship if he doesn’t do them. Women will go find a guy who does these things and he’ll just be alone.

This can cause resentment in men because it just seems unfair and unequal. Maybe it is, but women are not usually leaving these things to men because they are entitled, lazy, or mean. It’s because these things trigger insecurity in everybody and they happen to be in a position where they can avoid it, based on cultural expectations. They did not invent these cultural expectations and they are also socialized to conform to them.

What is expected of men

Here’s a list of examples of things that usually fall on men to do in the early stages of relationships, followed by resentful thoughts that may arise as well as what I believe are more constructive thoughts.

The usual caveats: everybody is different and these may not apply in every situation, with every person. But I don’t think it is controversial to observe that these are norms in Western society and much of the world.

Men have to approach

Bitter take: Women are lazy and entitled.

Better take: Nobody wants to approach because of the fear of rejection. It will bring out insecurity in almost anyone. Women are just as scared of approaching as you are, usually more so since they are not desensitized to this situation and the rejection that comes with it. You’d avoid it too, if you could. A lot of men do avoid it, so you have an opportunity to stand out if you face your fears.

Men have to send the first message on a dating app

Bitter take: Women are lazy and entitled and they have 100 matches at a time all vying for their attention and they’re just sitting back and waiting to be entertained.

Better take: Coming up with something clever and charming to open a chat conversation is hard. Women don’t want to say anything stupid either, for fear of rejection. Women may have lots of options on a dating apps and lots of conversations going at a time, but they still swiped right on you because they saw something in you. They are hoping someone among those matches really wows them. Could it be you? Work on your texting skills and maybe you’ll have success. It can be hard to use dating apps as a man, since the odds are against you. You have to accept that and solider on or take a break from apps.

Men have to ask for a number and/or a date

Bitter take: Women are entitled and like to just sit back and be the rejectors.

Better take: Again, insecurity drives this behavior. Nobody likes to be rejected. Sometimes women will help you out by showing signs of interest. A lot of times these are frustratingly subtle, but there are good intentions behind them. A woman could feel insecure even putting out these signs, or putting them out too obviously, for fear that they are not reciprocated. Sometimes women will play games with you but don’t assume that of someone new until they give you a reason to.

Men usually have to plan the first date, or even most/all of the dates

Bitter take: Women are lazy and entitled and just want to sit back and be entertained.

Better take: Laziness can be a factor, but it can be stressful to make a plan and feel responsible for everyone’s enjoyment of the evening. You want it to be the right amount of casual/formal - not too much or too little. You want to pick the right place, meet all dietary requirements if applicable, and make it all seem fun and maybe a bit special. This is a lot to think about and if a woman likes you she may fear putting you off by making a wrong decision. It can relieve a lot of stress for her if you’re willing to do this. Maybe you don’t like to have to do this, but you can treat it as an opportunity to make her feel at ease and impress her.

Men have to go for the first kiss

Bitter take: Women are entitled and like to just sit back and be the rejectors.

Better take: This is a big step. It’s a declaration that you are interested enough to at least be lightly physical and you may be rejected. You want it to feel good for everyone and you definitely don’t want to do anything stupid or create an awkward moment. There are many things to feel insecure about here. Even by just accepting the kiss a woman may feel insecure about whether she’s a good kisser. Initiating it is even worse. You just have to learn to know when the moment is right and go for it.

Men have to initiate sex

Bitter take: Women are entitled and give and withhold sex to manipulate men.

Better take: The same insecurities about kissing apply, amplified 100x. Indicating that you want to take this step opens you up to rejection. Then one may also feel insecure about their body or how good of a lover they are. Women may be reluctant to take this step at all because of insecurity, but they may go along with it anyway because of how much they like you or love you. Women also often have a fear of seeming like a slut if they initiate sex.

Women want a man to take the lead in the bedroom/want an experienced lover

Bitter take: Women are entitled, lazy in bed, and hold men to higher standard of sexual ability.

Better take: Women often have a lot of insecurities around sex. They may not feel like their body is attractive, that they aren’t good at sex, or may feel awkward trying to be sexy. They may worry about what you like and dislike and fear they could do the wrong thing.

A man who can be confident and reassuring will help a woman with these things. A man with experience can bring these attributes into the bedroom but you don’t have to be superman in bed to be calming and reassuring.

Even if you are a virgin it could help to keep in mind that a woman usually is feeling at least some insecurity and you are not alone in this. Often she will feel more anxious than you even if she is experienced. Regardless of your experience level you can make her feel at ease and good about herself. If you can do this she's likely to have a positive experience, even if you’re not an amazing lover yet.

Wrapping up

So the theme here is that most women do not have bad intentions in leaving these things for men to do. They have insecurity and are trying to avoid pain, just like you.

If you’re ticked off that you have to do these things, I get it. In a supposedly equitable, egalitarian society men should not have to take the bulk of the risk and responsibilities in the early stages of dating. But it’s just the way it is. Traditions die hard. Women have their own gendered expectations they have to deal with that put a burden on them. These are some men have to deal with.

Avoid thinking it’s some kind of conspiracy where women get together and decide to withhold sex and relationships to make men jump through hoops. Women are socialized to behave a certain way and not behave other ways. At an individual level a woman who goes on a date with you is not trying to dupe you or work against you. She wants you to succeed because it means she will succeed.

Also, I believe this imbalance of responsibility usually gets better as the relationship goes on. When women get more comfortable and know what you like they are more likely to take the initiative with planning and kind gestures because they feel more secure that it will be received well. Later on, women tend to pick up chores if you live with her. If you have children women tend to care for them more. Things might not even out 50/50 over a lifetime but there’s really no way of measuring the weight of different contributions and I would encourage you to avoid a mindset of “keeping score” in relationships. If you go down that road then everyone has their own subjective scores in their head and the other person is always losing.

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Women aren't usually lazy and entitled, they're usually just insecure. CMV