I am more successful than my boyfriend, and I resent it

CountTheBees · 2023-12-14T00:35:24+00:00

What strikes me is that you are young, and you are bragging about internships which is kinda missing the point. Sounds like neither of you have found a full time position yet, and are still studying? In which case you don't know yet what his work ethic is actually like. I phoned in my entire University degree but took my job seriously. I had a very different mindset between studies and work.

I remember my boyfriend at that age talking about life plans. He wanted to work less, ie 4 days/week, rather than earn more. He wanted to go on expensive holidays and I wanted to save all my pennies. In these ways I thought I was more "mature" than him.

Well now I actually agree with his views. Money is no good if you just hoard it (I wasn't saving for anything in particular). We did go on some expensive vacations together and I didn't miss the money spent, and they made him happy. He was right about the 4 day/week thing. Time is the most precious resource for me now.

Fancy internships do give you a foot in the door, but you should be vetting the companies as well to see if they are suitable for you. Sometimes working in those fast paced companies can make people really unhappy. I wonder if the reason he is doing what he is, is because he's like my ex, and understood the value of time? Or has moral concerns with certain big companies?

Right now you suspect him of being lazy, which is a serious character flaw. But there are also other possible reasons for the way he is acting. Find out why, ask him if he wants to work at a F500 company, why/why not, and what sacrifices he is willing to make and what his priorities are in life. Don't write him off if he actually has good reasons for all this.

Jenneapolis · 2023-12-14T00:24:00+00:00

I am a woman in tech management and I make a higher salary than almost every man I date. I also didn’t have my first internship until I was 27.

It’s clear you are very proud of your accomplishments and you should be. But I’m not sure you are being honest with yourself about what you want for your future. It seems like you want to be a stay at home mom with a super high earning husband, but it’s hard to find and so you are going to have to compromise in some way.

Your case is an example of why many men do not want a career woman, because so many career women compare themselves to their man like this in a way that’s very emasculating. He is 21, he is still in school, and it feels like you do not have any faith in him that he’s going to have a great career. Maybe he will, maybe he wont, but it’s clear you don’t believe in him.

Everything in life takes compromises. If you want to stay at home, then you need to let him find his own path even if it’s not as great as yours is or could’ve been. He may make less money than you would have made, and you will definitely obviously earn more as a two income household than a one income household. So what do you really want out of your life? Do you want to be the high achiever with two incomes or do you want to make some sacrifices to stay at home? Do you want to get rid of this man in the hopes that you will find someone who is also a higher achiever? Because with your career trajectory, it’s not going to be easy to find what you are looking for especially if you are expecting 21-year-old men to have surpassed your very high achievements already.

I can tell you from the other side as a woman in tech it’s very rare to find men who out achieve me so I don’t use this as my barometer. I don’t talk about my work much with men other than “had a busy day!” and I don’t make my achievements my personality. I support them in whatever they do, it doesn’t matter how much they make. In short, you really need to pick a lane.

Edited: based on agreed upon feedback below

anoncrush1 · 2023-12-14T01:11:21+00:00

Break up with him now. You’re gonna resent him for not pulling his weight and if he doesn’t know you want to be a SAHM, it may be another point of friction. You don’t sound like you’re willing to wait it out with him.

I work in tech and it took me a while to find my way. Some people are late bloomers. That said if you want a guy who makes more than you at age 21, you may need to date older.

Once you lose respect or resent someone, it’s going to be hard for you to look at them another way.

StunningSort3082 · 2023-12-14T00:19:49+00:00

Are you 1000% positive you’d be able to do better if you broke up with him?

At least in the circles I run in, very few highly successful and ambitious men want SAHWs. They all have wives who are just as successful as they are, and work outside of the home.

It also sounds like you have such a narrow definition of success that you’re projecting onto him. Have you considered that you got the job over him because you’re a box checker?

2023-12-14T01:33:35+00:00

I think you’re already starting to resent him and you will just emasculate him in the future because you don’t see him as the man in the relationship. There’s a lot of different things happening here tbh, you’re independent, you are “successful”, you might even think you’re better than him (I’m not saying you do think this way but sometimes we think this way without realizing). I think you have a few choices, stay with him and take a chance that he will find a job as “good” as your’s but you might run into resenting him in the mean time. Leave him and try to find someone who you see are move valuable career wise. Or step back, not focus on climbing the ladder so much and let him take the lead. Idk how young or old you are but you guys sound young. My parents were both successful and had great paying jobs but it got to a point where my mom was making more and was so into her job she hired a nanny, I never saw my parents and my dad has a lot of affairs because of this. Then they moved to another country and my mom had more success, my mom resented my dad for not having a better job but stayed and still loved him but in the end my dad ended up resenting my mom a lot because he just couldn’t make his way up like she was able to in that country. This is my experience with this type of situation, personally I take a step back from going ham on my career so that my fiancé can be the breadwinner, I still work and I take care of myself (we don’t live together yet) but I see this helps to keep balance in our relationship, he is very masculine and I have become very very feminine.

trisheyyx3 · 2023-12-14T01:23:14+00:00

21 is so young for you to even be putting this much pressure on him... and even yourself. You have ample enough time to figure life and careers out.

VasiliyZaitzev · 2023-12-14T05:16:19+00:00

He is the most perfect guy to exist...

And yet you are still not happy. That might call for some introspection.

He took a year off uni due to mental health issues

Whoa. Plot twist.

I think the final nail in the coffin was when I was interviewing for an internship with big tech I secured for this summer- we both applied for the role and I got the job whereas he did not, although he has sales experience and I have no sales experience (its for tech sales).

You do realize there is massive discrimination in favor of women in tech, right? The fact that they took you (no sales experience) over him (sales experience) should tip you off to that. He lost at a rigged game and somehow you are still blaming him.

The only thing that counts in life is CHARACTER. What you have not learned yet is that money isn't important, having a partner who is a good husband is important, having a partner who is a good father is important, having a partner that will stick with you when you get a cancer diagnosis is important.

The good things in life barely come once and rarely come twice. If he's as good a MAN as you say, you might want to count up the good things about him and be more forgiving about other things, lest you find yourself at 35 never having found a partner as good as he is, while you watch him enjoy life with a woman who appreciated him.

Independent-Hall4929 · 2023-12-14T08:18:52+00:00

You’re both so young … thinking about being a SAHM when your boyfriend is 21 seems so premature. Is he even bringing this up, or it’s just you?

The way I see it you have two options - enjoy the relationship for what it is, be more in the moment. OR remain single while you focus on your career and improve yourself, and in a few years start aiming for men that are slightly older, ready to settle down and more successful.

TheBunk_TB · 2023-12-14T13:04:24+00:00

Unpopular opinion: I think you should let him find someone that values his views and what he does. I think you are hoping for a project to be successful in your eyes. You are doing him a disservice

Azihayya · 2023-12-14T01:09:09+00:00

Sounds like your boyfriend is pretty awesome. I think that you shouldn't worry about it, and that you probably have a lot more room for personal growth that can change the way that you think about yourself, your life and your future. You certainly don't have to work your whole life, but the opportunities that you have available to you now are an asset in your life that you should be grateful to be able to leverage.

The one thing I will say is that I think your sense of personal value is way too wrapped up in being perceived as feminine, as submissive, etc, and that seems to bleed over into how you perceive your partner. I think you should be grateful for what you have, and that you should come to terms with the reality that you're living in, and learn to have faith in your support systems.

If you don't like the direction that your boyfriend is headed in, then you need to be authentic and make sure that you're communicating, and if you decide that you want to be with him, then you should be encouraging to ensure that he's continuing to grow as a person, too.

KaptynEllie · 2023-12-14T17:10:21+00:00

You’re already loosing faith in him and building resentment. Those aren’t good signs of a long-term committed relationship; properly communicating your needs, wants and expectations are vital for a successful partnership. Does he know that you want to be a stay at home wife? Do you have a flexible or rigid timeline? Can you compromise on time? Are you hoping he comes to the right conclusions or expecting him to read your mind? Regardless of how you view his potential earning, does he have good characteristics of a husband/father? Is he motivated by family or legacy? Are you being short-sighted and overlooking his potential due to resentment? These conversations need to be had so you both don’t waste each others’ time. Talk to your mom, dad, aunt, grandma really anyone older that you see as having an aspirational relationship regarding how they see your partner. Talk to his parents, get a good view of how they see him. Typically, getting a third party’s opinion can help with getting a clear unbiased view of him. Your family will always want was is best for you and his family knows him far more intimately. You don’t want your resentment tainting the view of a great relationship.

mistressusa · 2023-12-14T00:12:04+00:00

You should keep looking. You don't see him as your leader.

Key_Hunter4064 · 2023-12-14T08:28:12+00:00

You should probably wait and see what he does after college. He's just 21 and if he has a great character as you described then he should be heading on his way up the ladder.

Also know that women get special treatment in Big Tech companies due to politics. Thats why even tho he has sales experience they chose you. I'm not saying you aren't capable but most times they select women to fill in Quotas for "Gender Equality".

If you still resent him after college then you should leave him. But understand that the grass ain't greener on the other side, its greener where you water it.

xx_AphroditeDove_xx · 2023-12-14T19:16:05+00:00

Women will always have a stronger advantage in tech sales when it comes to a hiring process. I worked in tech as a software engineer and know that even though I was 100% competent and good at what I did, I also had a competitive edge in being a woman.

I get wanting a provider, and you would be 100% valid to end the relationship because your wants and concerns are valid. However, I think it's also important to stay humble and kind. Either you accept him or leave, but it's not okay to treat him like you are better than him and this emasculate him in the process.

usernameagain2 · 2023-12-14T13:48:32+00:00

Fortunes will reverse themselves many times over a lifetime but sounds like you value success over who he is. Best for him if you dump him now and spare him.

evo1d0er · 2023-12-14T18:21:44+00:00

This is what “equality” looks like

sicrm · 2023-12-14T01:32:58+00:00

The problem lies in our career and schooling. He took a year off uni due to mental health issues, and now has transferred into a lower tier school. He hasn't done any internships and has no real world experience other than being a phone salesman.

For me, I've done three internships, two at F500 companies in tech, one in FAANG

I think the final nail in the coffin was when I was interviewing for an internship with big tech I secured for this summer- we both applied for the role and I got the job whereas he did not, although he has sales experience and I have no sales experience (its for tech sales).

some good advice given already, just wanted to point something out here.

people looking between the two of you on paper are going to go with you unless he had an out of this world interview.

you already had experience with big tech companies. they probably view getting you up to speed as something that wouldn’t be hard at all, so his experience wouldn’t matter much.

angelicasinensis · 2023-12-14T22:08:25+00:00

As someone who has been a SAHM and has not worked a "real job" since I was 17 (im 34 now), it kinda gets a little boring. Im in school now after being consistently frustrated that we cant stay afloat financially with just my husband's income. I am doing really well in school and I plan on switching to working once I get my masters in a few years. If you can think of a way to make money while also working from home for a few years while your husband can also stay home, this may be the best way. Or get your degree and then drop out for a few years, if you keep your education you can re-enter the workforce. It seems like you are excited about your career and your potential, then you should go with that for now. Life is long, you can always stop and re start.

Remarkable-Bottle254 · 2023-12-14T04:13:22+00:00

Who gives a damn.

Is he a leech? No? Then build together!!!! I’m so fucking sick and tired of this split reality people try and create.

Women are independent and don’t need a man. Great! So you have a full blown career based on equitable standards and you do well in the market.

But wait…my man doesn’t earn my income so he’s inferior? So you mean equal opportunity and success turns you off as a woman!?!?!?

What the actual fuck….

Special-Bear-5795 · 2023-12-14T15:25:23+00:00

You are gonna leave him cause you think you can do better,that rarely ends well

dawnpriestess · 2023-12-14T19:23:59+00:00

As a woman in tech, have you considered that you most definitely have affirmative action and diversity quotas working in your favor?

That can explain why you would get an offer in tech sales despite having less experience than him. Do not think this is all just you being better than him.

SunflowerSerenade11 · 2023-12-17T05:03:25+00:00

It depends whether he truly a directionless loser or somebody working on himself. I will just tell you a true story. My current bf had an ex who dumped him for similar reasons, he graduated a bit late basically. I think she thought she could do better than him, and she wanted to find herself because he was her first boyfriend. I think she was a bit spoiled by how nice he was and not too intelligent because she spent the next few years getting played basically, and she made this obvious on her ig history, and recently she kept embarrassing herself trying to pry my bf away from me. I noticed that when child-bearing age is approached, women scramble for the best they had. I think because he was so nice she thought he would always be there are a backup option and had a bit of a meltdown when he was not but she did end up finding someone.

But at the same time I have broken up with people who were not right for me, and this helped me find someone who was right for me.

Anyways my point is that if you are breaking up because you are truly no longer in love then that is one thing, because one year is not that long and you are only 21 and there are a ton of options, but if you still are in love then having a bf that gives you that kind of effort is worth preserving, and 21 is a time to make fun memories, travel, party with friends, have picnics at parks etc.

But also your intuition knows, I dated someone at 23 who just got on my nerves, I lived with him, and hated spending time with him, I tried and hated it and breaking up was worth it in that case.

Bonus_Ecstatic · 2023-12-19T13:07:56+00:00

There are girls out there who are absolutely fine with being way more successful than their husbands, let alone be marginally successful within the same sector. But if you feel like you're not one of them then do the guy a favour and break up with him. Holding resentment would be understandable if he was a lazy dude who wasn't trying at all but that's clearly not the case.

If anything, you're afraid about the future and you're projecting that fear onto him in the form of resentment.

PipStock · 2024-01-09T17:41:01+00:00

Woah, slow down there. Being in school and scoring internship is not that big of an accomplishment really. Having trained something is not the same as having done something. You are both young and how about just slow down on the gender roles for now? Is he really the one you’d have family with? Are you sure? Is he sure? Otherwise just enjoy your youth and stop assuming the role of nagging wife. You’re not his wife so he doesn’t really have to prove anything to you yet.

anoncrush1 · 2024-01-31T04:01:47+00:00

Have faith in him but also, encourage him, push him, make him believe in himself. My wife had her career before me, made more money than me for about two years. But then, my blessings came in. She’s still excelling in her career but I went from a waiter 12 years ago to an IT Executive making six figures, double her salary. She was there all the way, being my cheerleader. “Behind every great man, is an even greater woman”.

AnonTheGreat01 · 2023-12-14T09:02:43+00:00

21 yo girl who's probably in debt talking about how successful she is... 🤡

All women want a guy that's more successful, please make that math work for everyone.

Another thing that always strikes me as funny is young women talking about higher education to advance their careers, but when I look around, there are very few women who actually have careers. Most work (regular) part-time jobs and earn below average wages compared to their male peers.

And the reason for this is that they find out their 'career' (job) isn't as fulfilling as they imagined. And often they can't handle the stress that comes with having an actual career.

So what ends up happening is that now you have a master's/PhD/MBA and potentially a shitload of debt, thinking you're hot shit and adjust your standards accordingly, pricing yourself completely out of the market.

And btw I do know a few 'career women'. But it's absolutely a minority. And most of them are truly 'built different' and not women that would be most men's first choice.

earthscribe · 2023-12-14T15:12:35+00:00

Has a great dude and isn't content because she's more successful. Oh man, to have your problems.

ygfam · 2023-12-14T16:15:34+00:00

just because he doesnt have any internships yet doesnt mean he will be broke for the rest of his life lol, also he has worked before as you said and i think it shows that he has some motivation

its true that tech favors hiring women for internships (even ubisoft had an internship recently open for "non binary and women" so no men). i would say it's kinda rude of people to say "you only got the internship because you're a woman" but i also think you shouldn't be too offended because gender plays a big part in it actually.

i think you shouldn't care as much right now. getting an internship in faang is really huge and honestly if i got one i wouldn't even think about others lol. he's only 21 not everyone has to "start the grind early"

hairyfam · 2023-12-29T11:26:49+00:00

You're East Asian yeah? Probably Chinese.

This is post is extremely hilariously stereotypical.

Let me ask you this, if your partner were white would it matter if they were or were not interning at a F500 or FANG?

AutoModerator · 2023-12-13T23:57:10+00:00

Title: I am more successful than my boyfriend, and I resent it

Author anoncrush1

Full text: I [21F] and my boyfriend [21M] have been dating for just over a year now. He is the most perfect guy to exist- he listens to my needs, gives me gifts all the time, delivers food to my house on a whim, pays for most things, gets me flowers just because, and we have amazing physical chemistry. He is my first and only boyfriend I've ever had, and has said that I am his dream girl- and acts like it too.

The problem lies in our career and schooling. He took a year off uni due to mental health issues, and now has transferred into a lower tier school. He hasn't done any internships and has no real world experience other than being a phone salesman.

For me, I've done three internships, two at F500 companies in tech, one in FAANG. Although I see myself being a SAHM in the future, I'd like to make some money before to support my immigrant parents and I truly feel I owe it to them, but I cannot see myself working a corporate job my whole life. Don't get me wrong, I want to be the submissive wife and nurturing mother after working a few years.

I feel there is some resentment that I have because whenever I think about his career, a part of me gets turned off. I've never envisioned me being more successful than my partner, and although he does take care of me financially with dates and such although he makes $0 income at the moment and I make a decent amount of money from my internship, I feel bad (but never show it). In all my friend's relationships, although they may have other issues, the man is always more successful.

I think the final nail in the coffin was when I was interviewing for an internship with big tech I secured for this summer- we both applied for the role and I got the job whereas he did not, although he has sales experience and I have no sales experience (its for tech sales). Although he is always very happy for me when I do get the job or advance in my career (such as taking me out to celebrate, etc) I wish he would be the one making the big career moves.

I do everything in a feminine way- I do not talk career unless its a big thing such as me getting a job, and nurture and encourage him to apply for jobs all the time- I think I am playing my part as a feminine woman fine. I know we're both young and not done with school, so should I stick it out? What are your thoughts? I feel this is causing some power dynamic shifts in our relationship, and I may be left with a feminine man if it keeps up.

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ArdentBandicoot · 2023-12-14T02:06:21+00:00

[permanently deleted]

ArdentBandicoot · 2023-12-14T02:17:51+00:00

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aussiedollface2 · 2023-12-15T23:03:11+00:00

You’re young and probably incompatible. Reassess when you have an actual job and have been working for a bit.

Title	I am more successful than my boyfriend, and I resent it
Author	anoncrush1
Upvotes	18
Comments	154
Date	December 13, 2023 11:57 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/18hv3er/i_am_more_successful_than_my_boyfriend_and_i/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/i-am-more-successful-than-my-boyfriend-and-i.1240716 https://theredarchive.com/post/1240716

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