as a trans man, how do i fit into male advocacy?

i believe, as someone who has once lived as a woman and then for the last several years as a man, i am uniquely positioned to gain insight into gender dynamics. i find it deeply interesting (and sometimes painful) to consider the culture shock of exiting femaleness and entering maleness in the eyes of friends, family, partner, and strangers, as well as myself. (disclaimer that i will not engage discussions of whether i am truly a man, because i do not care to. i am a man in society’s eyes and thus part of men’s struggle whether or not i am a man in the eyes of god. i will discuss how my upbringing as a girl may have affected my views but i will not entertain ideas such as my having a “female brain”.)

i grew up a total feminist and still engage with feminist literature and groups, and much of the theory is resonant with me (aside from certain factions devoted to hatred of men, but based on a decent amount of feminist experience, i do not consider that feminism any more than i consider TERFs feminists). although, as i transitioned, i realized there are overarching aspects of manhood that cannot be understood unless they are lived. my view of gender is also highly influenced by my experience as a transgender person, gender being both an experience of self and a social category (in this case i am speaking of gender as a social category). in general, both feminists and male advocates of all political leanings are operating from a lack of data on the other side’s experience.

most feminists agree that men experience a level of privilege in society and i have to agree on this front- i am treated with a greater level of deference and respect on a daily basis. not usually the highest respect, but i’ve often seen much more qualified women be ignored while i am listened to. when i dress and act masculine, i have an easier time getting jobs. doctors listen to me more. there are a number of pervasive ways in which misogyny still exists. i was surprised at how distinct the difference was.

here’s what feminism never prepared me for, though. as soon as i understood that the world now saw me as a man, i felt an immense sense that i would no longer be protected from violence- like now, i’m fair game. to be dead honest it was a little terrifying and still is, i’m not a big guy. i realized i was bound by much tighter social restrictions, and if i were to express traits deemed feminine, i would be judged much more harshly than a woman expressing traits deemed masculine. when the world war three scare hit, i worried whether i would be drafted to fight. women are uninterested in me, not only to date, but as friends- it’s significantly harder to find a date with a woman as a man. even my car insurance went up, it was like all of a sudden people changed their view of me and i was a little more of a violent, creepy, senseless, impulsive person.

here’s what i wish male advocates understood about women’s experience: women are, by and large, forced to live an existence of fear and grapple for equal say. yes, to this day. yes, in first world countries. much of oppression in any form exists purely in the social sphere, and even in places where women have the same legal rights as men it does not mean they have the same social rights as men. the acknowledgement of this social system is not an attack on men and does not necessarily invalidate the existence of men’s struggles. feminism is not the cause of men’s struggles, nor is it incompatible with men’s liberation- in theory they are completely congruent.

here’s what i wish feminists understood about the male experience: i get why women are afraid of men. i get why many women are angry at the men who have hurt them. there are a number of ways in which men systemically oppress women, and that’s never something i’d want to gloss over. but when you actually want things to change, camaraderie with men is necessary. when there is a problem the most effective way to solve it is to stop the cause, and the cause is that men are hurting. society damages men in the name of their gender and most men are living in pain they did not personally cause. expecting these men to upend their lives for something they don’t expect to work is unrealistic and unfair.

my issue is neither group seems receptive to my voice. now that i’m living life as a man, i care a lot about men’s issues. i think i have important information to share, but it’s like i’m too male for feminists and not male enough for men’s advocates. am i too far removed from cisgender men’s experiences to have useful input? am i missing something or working on outdated information? is there a more effective way to present or interpret my experience?

thanks if you read my entire essay, hoping for new insight 🙏