This might be the messiest thing you guys have ever read…

BeeehmBee · 2024-01-21T17:31:38+00:00

You should have left her before you decided to cheat. Have a seat while I get some cheese for your whine.

bloodstone99 · 2024-01-21T16:59:16+00:00

I swear to god man, i'll never get married. Ive seen the female's society true eyes. But OP fucked up by having an affaire. Nobody will mention how OP wife nags, bicker and changed to the worst version over time. Nobody ever talks about this one. This said, it disgusts me to see how many women in household changed and treat their husbands badly (hello mom). Honestly, it would suck to be in my dad's place man after work your wife just gives you disgusted eyed infront of fully grown adult children.

ideastoconsider · 2024-01-21T16:11:15+00:00

Been there. Now coming up on a year dating someone that is much more compatible. As a perk, she is also younger, drop dead gorgeous, lightyears more kind to myself and others, and gets concerned if we go longer than 12-24 hrs without intimacy.

Forgive yourself for how you got to this point, and focus with a trained therapist on the why. We all have fundamental needs and some are formed during childhood such that we cannot escape them forever.

Once you understand your unfulfilled needs, you have the opportunity as a successful and wiser man to choose the partner that will more naturally tend to them (and you to hers).

As a result, your children will get to see you at your best during their own most crucial years of development, including as a model for developing healthy relationships/attachments.

Keep your head up.

Ill_Coffee_6821 · 2024-01-21T16:03:12+00:00

It’s not because your affair was “found out” - you’re an asshole because you had an affair at all. People can be shitty. Get divorced instead. No excuses. No sympathy and of course you’re the asshole.

woahbrad35 · 2024-01-21T15:46:51+00:00

You should have contacted an attorney, gotten everything drawn up, and divorced your wife first. You took the long route to the same destination because you wanted your cake as long as possible before manning up and doing what needed to be done. The outcome is the same so you didn't do it for your kids or family even if that's what you've told yourself. I can't really commiserate with you on this one. In the future, don't drag stuff out. There's no point, things still end the same but it's up to you to determine your part in it.

druid_enacla · 2024-01-21T15:23:32+00:00

I feel for you man. It's a crappy situation for everyone, but if there's one thing I learned from my own situation: you need to look towards the future. Don't forget the past; learn from it. And most importantly: don't dwell on it. You're monetarily successful so that's something you don't have to worry about and can be proud of. Dating another woman before your marriage was officially over was definitely a mistake, but it doesn't sound like you're a remorseless sociopath. Kudos for that.

After my own marriage fell apart, I found a book that helped me a great deal. On one hand it showed me how to actually interact with women properly as I was one of those geeky/nerdy guys growing up. On the other it showed me what MY part was in the marriage that led to divorce. I did not say it showed me it was my fault or where to place blame, only that I could see MY part in it. Life isn't black and white. Nobody can say it was just because you cheated that your marriage failed. It failed because one or both parties decided to stop trying. The reasons behind that don't matter for this discussion. What matters now is what are you going to do next time.

The only reason someone would downplay this book is because they haven't read it. The book is called 'How To Be A 3% Man (Winning The Heart Of The Woman Of Your Dreams)' by Corey Wayne. This is not a player book on how to get with as many women as possible or anything remotely close to that. It about staying true to your masculine core as a man, how to define the type of woman you're looking for, and how to start & keep a healthy relationship with that women. Even if you think you already know how to do all that, you will 100% learn some great things from this book. You can also check him out on YouTube, but definitely read his book! We've all made mistakes man, so don't beat yourself up over anything. Learn from those mistakes and don't dwell on them! Good luck

-itiswhatitiss- · 2024-01-21T14:18:49+00:00

OP Let’s be clear, your wife didn’t make you cheat, you chose to have an affair she didn’t put a gun to your head.

beezo123 · 2024-01-21T14:07:54+00:00

Having reflected on the failing of my own marriage recently, I'm focused not on the affair or how your wife was towards you leading into that, but what happened to allow your wife and you to become so distant. You're obviously leaving a lot out about the details of relationship with your wife. Were there other little cheatings that she was aware of before this? Were you sort of ignoring her with all your interests etc. I find I was ignoring my wife. Anyway I think before you get into another serious relationship you need to identify what went wrong in the relationship with your wife, before the affair, and not repeat it. I agree with another commenter that the effect of the kid alone is enough to break the romance, but that's usually avoidable with extra effort by the man. Women are not accountable for extra effort like that, and when they have the child they really can't budget the extra effort.

streetsmartwallaby · 2024-01-21T13:54:59+00:00

We've heard WAY messier.

But about the "Mentor/mentee" part of this:

Please don't take advantage of your power dynamic with your mentees. It's gross and unethical.

There are plenty of women you don't work with; date one of those in the future.

thdespou · 2024-01-21T12:58:41+00:00

Hey you are not the only one. We all make mistakes. Now its time to reset and revitalise. Make hard changes.

roman_erudite · 2024-01-21T12:47:40+00:00

A few months ago I'd be judgmental. But having gone through the usual gamut where I did everything right and endured abuse and in return my no fault state rewarded my abuser with so much and yet more. So I'd say even if you didn't make your mistakes your wife was likely going to rake you anyway. It's a divorce and especially if no fault, fight, fight and fight. There's no justice and the court won't consider any of her faults or part of this. Lawyer up. Although this advice is just for the financial aspect. I have no idea how to deal with the kid. But I just want to stress that family law is not about justice. And you can be in the exact same situation if it were her cheating a filing.

upvotersfortruth · 2024-01-21T12:24:28+00:00

If you feel guilt, don’t let it make you feel like you need to get a bad deal on the divorce.

Articulate_idiot · 2024-01-21T11:49:56+00:00

Why did you write “this might be the messiest thing that you guys have read”? You broke your vows and now your wife is divorcing you. Seems pretty straightforward to me.

EsmeSalinger · 2024-01-21T09:27:15+00:00

“ I had a plan” - famous last words.

yolocheat · 2024-01-21T08:56:01+00:00

Having come out of a long dead bedroom marriage myself, I am heavily biased. Probably still angry about it (yes, redditors, I am in therapy about it), so take this with grain of salt. I'll give you what is likely the unpopular opinion.

F your wife. I have no more tolerance left for a partner who recognizes problems with intimacy in a relationship and refuses to do anything about it for an extended period of time. You tolerated it until you couldn't anymore, and then you did what you did. Was it ideal? Of course not. Examine your behavior, make some adjustments, but beyond that, quit beating yourself up about it.

Don't worry about your kid. It will be decades before he is old enough to process any of the details of why you two split. By then it will be ancient history that matters only to you and her. Spoiler anyway: most of the time kids don't care who is at fault. They just want parents who love and listen and give the right kinds of attention. Spend time with him, coparent responsibly with his mother, be a good dad.

Divorce her posthaste, give her the fair share or whatever you need to that gets you out expeditiously. Apologize to the ex-girlfriend for the unnecessary drama if you haven't already. Recognize mistakes and put in place measures to ensure they don't happen again. This is an opportunity to grow. Make a new plan, and move forward.

Striking_Average3453 · 2024-01-21T08:39:19+00:00

First of all this is definitely not the messiest thing I have ever read.

Good that you put your story online, off course you don't deserve an award for the actions. But we're not here to judge, I just have some thoughts about how to make things easier for you.

I would advise you to make sure that you see your son on a regular base, keep the daddy-son relationship alive. Invest in your kid and make sure he feels that his dad is close to him. Spend this time alone with him if your ex allows you to. Make memories with him!

Whenever you are not with your kid, try and work on your health. Both physical and mental health training will help you to get trough this rough period. Find a sport you enjoy, read books and go back to basic of you as a human being. Listen to music that clears your mind.

If possible in time, and some time has passed. Try to approach your ex wife, to build a healthy relationship with her. That also will make sure your son won't get damaged from this situation, which will affect him when he gets older.

I started boxing in groupsessions, reading books about mental health and positivity, listening to jazz and classical music to free my mind. Also 41 yo with a kid and a struggling relationship.

Take care and make sure you find peace! 🙏

Edit: Added the part of fixing your relationship with your ex.

Possible-Variety-999 · 2024-01-21T08:15:49+00:00

Zero sympathy, my man. You are the author of your own misfortune.

mercedeszzzz · 2024-01-21T08:11:55+00:00

What do you want us to do feel sorry for you? You broke your marriage vows and your family. Had an affair with a woman and then your wife found out. Are we suppose to feel sorry for you did this to yourself the only thing I can say is have you learnt your lesson?

ElderberrySuper3659 · 2024-01-21T07:58:03+00:00

At least you own it. I wish you the best during a really terrible time.

lifeisallihave · 2024-01-21T06:34:28+00:00

Hey OP! I hope you and your stbxw or wife find peace and guidance through all of this. Tough situation and you've basically destroyed her. Find a way to communicate with her and work hard to make sure your son is ok. Most guys don't even have the privilege to move out and are either homeless or sleeping in their cars working hard to get back on their feet while drowning in lawyer fees.

I once mentioned to my stbxw that we didn't have sex or were intimate anymore, she told me she was busy with work and that God gave me two hands. As painful as it was I didn't go out to look for sex or cheat to destroy my family, in the end she was the one who blew up our family. Good luck and do some soul searching.

Intimacy4u · 2024-01-21T06:05:37+00:00

Money does really change people.

Fast cars and fast women. Expensive watches and questionable lifestyle choices.

This not the first or last cheating incident in history otherwise we would live out the rest of our lives based on a single decision, at a single point in time.

We live our lives in a constant flux. I can’t begin to understand what must have happened for the person you started with to become what you left behind.

Kudos for being accountable. You know you were POS and why. And most posts here are going to gloss over the WHY…

Just a few points of observation

Nothing like a women scorned.

Instead of immediate confrontation your wife chose to wait to create maximum damage and drama. 8 weeks is a long time,

I’m not saying she drove you into the arms of another. But both you checked out a while back.

4 year old son. Just guessing but 4 year dead bedroom situation and intimacy withheld.

The only thing I can say. Stop focusing on material things like watches, fast cars and women.

You need answers to why the poverty in childhood shapes who you are today. Counselling and therapy.

As others mentioned Be present for your child. Any surplus money needs to be put into a trust fund.

A child is innocent even when born into a shitty marriage or relationship. His educational needs, his emotional needs his future mental health Due dysfunction and divorce will ripple out with own consequences.

I hope you can amicably sort through this shit show.

Take care of yourself and little one to the best of your abilities.

MonarchistExtreme · 2024-01-21T04:48:35+00:00

Ouch, sounds like your family is going thru hell right now and you're the epicenter of it. I was on the other side of this scenario so I take a dim view of infidelity but I'm not judging you. It sounds like your marriage was toxic as hell and toxic situations breed more toxic behavior. I'm glad you are self aware enough to know you're gonna be the villain in this situation bc cheating trumps everything save maybe abuse. But you cheating doesn't negate her mistreatment of you. I hope things get better for you son and you. Focus on your son but be ready for him to figure it out in time and be mad. How you handle that will be a huge test. My son's mother failed that test and he wants nothing to do with her now. Hell I get on with her better than he does and I'm the one she cheated on lolol

gisdude · 2024-01-21T04:41:44+00:00

My wife and I have been married 20 years. We haven't had sex in almost a year. Prior to that, 1-2x a year. I make double her salary but she has more successful academic career. I was from the wrong side of the tracks but she needed citizenship - we got married. She took the reins watching the kids. We are very opposite in terms likes, personality. We don't sleep in the same room anymore. I personally will never cheat. I would never give her the moral high ground if/when we split. This forum is full of dead marriages and I feel like if your spouse is petty or condescending, it might make it more justifiable. My 2 cents...

Bluetoes1 · 2024-01-21T04:04:50+00:00

An affair is a serious thing. Your guilt and sadness are well earned, and that you realize that is good. Having been cheated on and my marriage broken up because of it. My ex has never accepted responsibility, but instead has run a six year smear campaign in an attempt to make me out as the bad guy. Don’t do that to your wife. If you really feel remorse, make everything easy for her. That doesn’t mean you have to give more than she needs. But if she wants it, make the divorce easy for her, and let her go. Make sure your son is taken care of and be present for him. It’s pretty sucky what you did, but you can make amends.

Dry_Dimension_4707 · 2024-01-21T03:54:06+00:00

These things are always so complicated and people always want to simplify it down to the most basic level. They don’t have skin in the game. Only you, your wife, and your affair partner do. An affair is rarely as simple as someone just wanted someone else to make their genitals tingle. People happy in their relationships typically don’t cheat. It’s not ok, but people have to step back and take a more nuanced view. Your marriage broke down before you cheated. Whether that was on her, on you, on both of you, that’s the reality. That’s why affairs happen.

upfnothing · 2024-01-21T03:47:25+00:00

Yeah. A whole affair? I’m guilty as anyone in this world but a whole ongoing multi month relationship? You went above and beyond cheating as you without any regard devastated another human being.

Not just anyone either but someone who went to bat for you when you ain’t have anything. She was with you when you didn’t have a pot to piss in.

Moments like this is why I’m blessed to not know you personally. Don’t need to catch a case. Somewhere along the way you lost track of what matters. It’s not about you needing validation from a piece of tail with no morals. It’s about providing your 4 year old stability.

You let him down and ought to be ashamed. To think how many dudes fight to keep their marriages together and there are people like you that selfishly throw marriages away. Life is funny like that I guess.

Theedon · 2024-01-21T03:28:39+00:00

Not here to judge. Your family is going to struggle with this pain. Get therapy for yourself and child. Your child is going to need the assistance of two parents in this world. Best of luck.

IllustriousCry672 · 2024-01-21T03:13:25+00:00

Well, on the bright side, most of us had our wives do worse to us than you did to your wife?

FriezaBlack87 · 2024-01-21T02:36:19+00:00

You should have told your wife to sit down and stfu. She wasn’t satisfying you anymore so you found someone who was. She lives bill free and taken care of, with a life that she could have never imagined having growing up. She should find some humility and hope that she learned her lesson to never go thru your phone again.

Content-Board7302 · 2024-01-21T02:11:23+00:00

In the words of Siobhan Fahey and Shakespearean sister … you made your bed better lie in it…

I was married to a horrible woman but never cheated … being in a horrible marriage can explain your behaviour but not excuse it… You took the easy road and here you are feeling the wrath and anti apathy of family, friends

HathorsSekhmet44__4 · 2024-01-21T01:43:00+00:00

If the girlfriend knew that you were any kind of married (terrible or perfect ), she signed up for the hurt. Your wife sounds manipulative and vindictive. Who wants to be in a miserable marriage anyway? It would’ve crashed and burned, by the way you’ve made it sound.

You shouldn’t feel THAT guilty. Everyone make mistakes.

GuyRedditAccount · 2024-01-21T01:27:46+00:00

Yep, you're pretty much a piece of shit. You don't sound sorry at all for cheating on your wife. Or for destroying your family, including everything your "wonderful 4yr old boy" will now know. You only sound sorry you got caught and your little side piece broke up with you. And you won't take full responsibility--you keep blaming your wife. "it takes two to be culpable." "She became angry, bitter, and somewhat resentful of my success." "I was completely over the condescension and negative attitude and tone that my wife conveyed and I lived with for years." "what the wife did to drive me into this helplessness and ultimately to look for solace in another woman." This is all pathetic blameshifting and gaslighting. WTF--"helplnessness"? Mr. Successful Business Guy was "helpless" to do anything other than video himself fucking someone besides his wife?

"I had a plan and I never meant to hurt anyone more than what would be the obvious."

Pray tell, what was your amazing "plan"? Keep banging your side piece and someday tell your wife? Or do the (somewhat) noble thing and divorce your wife before resuming things with the side piece?

"because my affair was found out, I am the asshole."

No, you're the asshole for having the affair. The affair being found out is the inevitable result of your trashiness. You've ruined multiple lives, least of all your own. Congratulations, you lout.

EDIT: I missed this part: "mentor/mentee". So basically, you also pretty much took advantage of your position of authority over your now-ex-girlfriend. You're a real piece of work.

gorillavstiger · 2024-01-21T01:27:17+00:00

I totally understand where you're coming from. I didn't cheat per se, I occasionally got flirty online with other women but didn't actually cross the line anywhere. I'm very certain she did flirt online as well, by didn't really care if she did.

She knew about some of it and was very resentful but I know I didn't do it just for the hell of it. She was fun when we were dating and engaged, heck, maybe even a year into the marriage, but then she totally shifted and got very cold most of the time. Never initiated anything related to physical intimacy, anything I did wrong I was guilted and shamed for. Constantly.

You will turn your life around for sure, but yes, you have to own what you've done and then find your new path. Best of luck brother!

Moms_Sketti88 · 2024-01-21T00:47:43+00:00

Our situations are similar while also being much different. I would say cheating is always fucked, but can’t judge because I’ve been there and done that. Losing a side chick in the midst of a dead end marriage is a pain that is hard to describe because you have no where to turn or not many people to talk about it with. You’ll of course be judged for cheating, etc., once again been there.. Keep your head up.

Title	This might be the messiest thing you guys have ever read…
Author	RolexAPPorsche
Upvotes	15
Comments	99
Date	January 21, 2024 12:29 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/19bqfuh/this_might_be_the_messiest_thing_you_guys_have/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/this-might-be-the-messiest-thing-you-guys-have.1243448 https://theredarchive.com/post/1243448

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