What do you think about platonic co-parenting (non-romantic family creation)? That is, finding a partner to create a family with you're not actually in love with.

howdoiw0rkthisthing · 2024-02-05T17:57:19+00:00

I mean that’s basically how a lot of married couples end up.

Real_Line_8074 · 2024-02-05T17:41:56+00:00

Let me introduce you to the Indian subcontinent lol

Safinated · 2024-02-05T19:22:46+00:00

Stress and commitment without the incentive of love and feelings doesn’t sound like a good or efficient model for interpersonal relationships

Willow-girl · 2024-02-05T17:48:08+00:00

What happens if one of you falls madly in love with someone else?

spanglesandbambi · 2024-02-05T18:14:55+00:00

I have a group of friends, a lesbian couple, and a straight man in this arrangement. Baby is 9 months, so very early days, but it's going well.

They did have a solid legal arrangement though including a shared cost of IVF and a scrict 50/50 contact order with clauses to consider how this might change for school.

EulenWatcher · 2024-02-05T17:30:16+00:00

I'd imagine it can be even harder to make it work compared to a more traditional approach. Being parents is hard as it is, having this layer of romantic feelings and love to each other can help to be more understandable and accommodating to your partner.

From the other hand, if you manage to find someone with compatible views and who's equally dedicated as you are...it probably can work. As a woman it's not something I'd go for, I'm biased in this regard and think that men generally take better care of kids if they're in love with their mother. It might be an outdated view, but it's what I've seen around me.

Edit: if I was single and absolutely wanted to have a kid, I'd rather collaborate with one of my single female friends rather than with another single man who wanted to coparent. My friends don't want to have their own kids as far as I know, but I don't think they'd refuse the idea to live together or economic reasons. I could cover rent/mortgage in exchange for some babysitting and my kid would get some awesome aunts.

PiastriPs3 · 2024-02-05T18:00:38+00:00

I think polyamory and more community style child rearing are the future of this.

-Shes-A-Carnival · 2024-02-05T19:14:55+00:00

what do you need the man for without love?

MyHouseOnMars- · 2024-02-05T19:36:47+00:00

At first it's kind of shocking but when I think about it I actually have more stable and healthy relationships with my friends than with any partner so it could work out.

As long as the kid grows in a stable home there shouldn't be an issue.

Valuable-Marzipan761 · 2024-02-05T19:41:49+00:00

I think it's a great, stabke way to raise a child. Feelings of love come and go and are not a great thing to build a partnership on.

apresonly · 2024-02-05T19:45:56+00:00

I'd guess that the kids raised in this situation are healthier than most kids raised in traditional marriages.

would love to see a study.

Pathosgrim · 2024-02-05T21:23:36+00:00

Women already have those kind of arrangements with stupid men.

LadyLazarus2021 · 2024-02-05T21:25:27+00:00

Ps I’m a career driven woman with two kids who managed to get married twice. That second marriage is still going strong.

Like why do people hate career women or think they are destined for three cats at age 50? Most women work.

Hoopy223 · 2024-02-05T22:33:34+00:00

Honestly, there’s probably a fair chunk of marriages that are exactly like that. They could love and care for one another but not romantically.

2024-02-05T23:39:20+00:00

Absolutely not. I can only see myself having kids with someone if I’m completely enamored by him and if he wants them. Pregnancy is too big of a risk to take otherwise

Defundisraelnow · 2024-02-06T05:47:14+00:00

It's better to model love to the children. Not just romantic love but familial love and loyalty, the kind of love that makes you stick it out even when you don't particularly like your spouse in the moment. Children need to see that kind of love between their mother and their father in order to have a good view of the opposite sex and of themselves.

TheRedPillRipper · 2024-02-05T20:20:13+00:00

What do you think?

Family, is fundamental to who someone is. Say there is an optimal family dynamic. Objectively, anything other than the optimum, is sub optimal.

Godspeed and good luck!

SmallSituation6432 · 2024-02-05T21:03:43+00:00

This is probably nonsense for the simple fact that relationships of any kind do not break into discreet parts. You don't have to be in love with someone to eventually hate them, or think they are a bad influence on a child, or any other thing that leads to divorce and broken homes.

LadyLazarus2021 · 2024-02-05T21:23:37+00:00

I’ve seen this with single women with kids. Like they join up and have a house and raise their kids together.

My sister and her best friend had a deal that they would have a companionate marriage if neither married by a certain age. He sadly died in his forties. No kids tho

Google companionate marriages. This is a thing.

cadmium2093 · 2024-02-06T02:58:49+00:00

I see no problem with it. It is an Aromantic Asexual (ACE) relationship. Sounds perfect for them. Remember, not everyone has the same romantic and sexual drives that you do.

It wouldn't be a future thing because people who are sexual would not accept this lifestyle in large numbers. This is something for Asexuals and possibly Demisexuals. It's for a very small percentage of the population.

Demasii · 2024-02-05T17:29:53+00:00

I think it will have the same problem as FWB. One will catch feelings expect in the co-parent situation they can't just cut themselves off.

Unless it involves gay people. Which I think they would probably have a same sex partner who desire to be a parent as well. 3+ people parenting is hard.

ComfortableOk5003 · 2024-02-05T19:46:12+00:00

Platonic implies no sex. So I’d live with a woman, have kids with her (but without sex) we’d live together…and I still wouldn’t get sex…BAHAHAHAHAHAHA, why?

2024-02-05T22:25:23+00:00

I know a lesbian couple who got pregnant with a gay man and the three of them co-parent. It has worked really well for them. The kid lives with the mums and sees the dad regularly. As there was no break up, the situation with the dad is always amicable.

The downside is that the man is not on the birth certificate, so he has no rights to the child. Which is something I would not recommend.

Nihi1986 · 2024-02-05T22:38:22+00:00

Ufff... that's ok if you really want to do that but I'm not sure it would be healthy for the kid.

Also, I got subtly proposed something like that by a career oriented girl who was getting pumped and dumped by every Chad in town. I honestly felt super offended... Ironically a few years later I ended up hooking up with her, I guess she was desperate. She was really akward and I honestly would've hated dating her or sharing any responsibilities with her... Mentally healthy people in our culture (assuming Western culture) don't do those things, Imo. It's, as you said, a bit too dystopian.

bluestjuice · 2024-02-06T00:57:55+00:00

Honestly, anything that injects more intentionality (and less possible friction) into family dynamics is something I’d consider worth experimenting with. Of course there are people who would never want to do this, but I think there are lots it would make sense for.

YouHateTheMost · 2024-02-06T10:08:34+00:00

Before meeting my husband, I was convinced that no man would marry me ever, and that was the plan for my single parenthood. Get knocked up by a genetically fit man, find another single parent, become roommates with him or her and raise our children together. Even if it’s a man, there’s no need for intimacy or asset sharing, if he or she finds a long-term partner and moves out, I’d just put up a classified ad for another roommate with a kid. However, am married now, so maybe another woman can put this plan to the test?

GlitterAndFireballs · 2024-02-06T14:43:22+00:00

I don’t think this is a good idea. I think it would be more difficult vs the traditional model.

I also think an important part of parenting is modelling behaviour

Fantastic_Drop_3852 · 2024-02-05T17:47:21+00:00

As dumb of an idea as having a state goverment who doesnt live in the state

John_Oakman · 2024-02-05T17:46:18+00:00

The socially middle class trying to bargain some measure of social legitimacy that's out of their grasp, not realizing that the reason it's out of their grasp is of their inflated/unsustainable sense of social obligations in the first place.

gntlbastard · 2024-02-05T20:24:27+00:00

What happens if your co-parent wants out? Can he walk away or is he now on the hook for child support?

treadmarks · 2024-02-05T20:27:32+00:00

Marriages of convenience were the norm before the 20th century. Before the 20th century, wives were also expected to serve their husband and divorce was illegal unless you could prove cause.

Only a man who is desperate to have children would do this. And it won't be many, because men do not have the same biological drive for this as women. Ask all the kids whose dads went out for a pack of cigarettes. This is dumb as hell and is not going to be a mainstream solution.

LowCreddit · 2024-02-05T20:28:54+00:00

To me, love is action. We have mistaken lust for love. Love is sacrificial in its nature. Lust is a form of selfishness. I also believe that men love women, women love children. And in the opposing direction, children respect their parents, women respect men.

dwilliams561 · 2024-03-20T03:25:09+00:00

36 year old male here looking for a woman who wants her first child

KayRay1994 · 2024-02-05T19:42:05+00:00

It’s a big improvement from single parenting and parents who hate each other but are only together “for the sake of the kids”, that’s for sure. It isn’t ideal, two parents who love each other is still the best route to go - that being said, if both parents can be platonic friends and raise kids, openly communicate and maintain that boundary, it could be a healthy, albeit unusual, environment for the child and for both parents (assuming that’s what they want, that is)

ThrowawayHomesch · 2024-02-06T03:52:16+00:00

In India they essentially do that through arranged marriages. In western countries we have betabuxxing where a woman decides to settle down in her late 20s and early 30s with a boring, stable guy who is likely to stick around and help her raise kids.

IMO arranged marriage is a much better deal, but still a shitty one at that.

CountMandrake · 2024-02-05T17:58:44+00:00

Awesome for women, bad for men.

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AcephalicDude · 2024-02-05T17:42:53+00:00

It's complicated. On the one hand, it's a really good thing when a married couple models a loving relationship for their children, as this will go a long way towards ensuring the children will establish stable loving relationships with their own.

But on the other hand, marriage is a challenge and maintaining a healthy relationship is in no way guaranteed. Just like parents can model a good relationship for their kids, they can also model a bad and toxic relationship.

I think maybe a platonic parenting relationship would be more "low-risk/low-reward," so to speak. The relationship between the parents is more likely to be stable, but the child is going to need to learn about healthy romantic partnerships from somewhere else.

Left-Yesterday7457 · 2024-02-06T07:05:23+00:00

There are also plenty of women who will let you knock them up no co parenting necessary.

SuitableStart · 2024-02-06T14:11:57+00:00

Disgust.

BatemaninAccounting · 2024-02-07T21:27:21+00:00

My understanding is that the only people doing this are: gay asexual people that form a beard hetero relationship to the outside world, but close friends/family know its just an arrangement for a similar goal, two best friends that genuinely don't have a romantic spark but love each on a very deep level, asexual heteros.

Title	What do you think about platonic co-parenting (non-romantic family creation)? That is, finding a partner to create a family with you're not actually in love with.
Author	_____purple_____
Upvotes	14
Comments	100
Date	February 5, 2024 2:54 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1ajido4/what_do_you_think_about_platonic_coparenting/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/what-do-you-think-about-platonic-co-parenting-non.1244661 https://theredarchive.com/post/1244661

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