Any stories of amicable separation?

organicwilly · 2024-04-22T23:53:07+00:00

My stbxw and I started out amicable. We lived together and she even started dating people. 6 months later she was arrested for domestic violence and now can't talk to me due to a court order. Everyone I talked to said it would never work, regarding the living arrangement. Now she's gone and I couldn't be happier. If you are getting advice from close friends or relatives who've been divorced, I'd listen to them. They've been through this, and have experience regarding how these things work out.

Be careful, the chances that she's trying to set you up for a trap is, in my honest opinion, greater than the chance she's wanting to be friends or even roommates. If you fuck up once, you're likely done for. It's my experience that the female will be given multiple chances. My stbxw hit my kids, issued death threats, and no one took her seriously until I had physical marks and was arrested and charged. If I had done the same shit she did, I'd be in prison. Good luck.

concordion · 2024-04-19T21:02:29+00:00

Mine began amicable, but when I asked for 50/50 custody of our kid, my stbxw screamed at me and forced me out of the room. I consider myself a loving and present father that spends a lot of time with my kid outside of work. I was flabbergasted.

AvacodoCartwheeler · 2024-04-19T15:53:37+00:00

Yes it's possible. I have a friendly relationship with mine and we coparent very well.

Edit to add: it might not be possible at first, there are a lot of feelings that run high through that process. She may not want that by the end of it.

Neilkd21 · 2024-04-19T14:18:06+00:00

It's possible, we tried the therapy route and I tried to fight too long. Once realised it was over it hurt but we both wanted to be adults about it after 12 years. We separated amicably and the divorce was fine. It was all done on friendly terms.

I guess it depends on the situation too, we separated as had grown apart, there was no affairs, betrayal or abuse. So no hate towards each other. We didn't stay friends but the process was friendly.

Valuable-Jackfruit65 · 2024-04-19T01:21:05+00:00

It’s rare, typically amicable means the guy agreed to take less than he is legally owed.

Frequently it may start amicable, but have to wait until it’s 100% done to call it that.

Mine started that way, but once she left and start living with her single friend and riding the dick, she decided she wanted everything and it got real messy

ramboton · 2024-04-19T00:33:47+00:00

Live is what you make of it. If you two can put your feelings aside and get along, it is better for everyone. When my son got married I walked my ex-wife and my new wife down the isle, one on each arm. It was super awkward for me, but we all got along and it was not a problem.

BroForceTowerFall · 2024-04-18T22:24:03+00:00

Separated for 2 months now; it took 1 month to become amicable. Mostly 1) how/why she left was a huge turnoff for me and 2) she made it clear it was definitely divorce.

Week 1 I was shocked and angry

Week 2 I helped her get a hotel and feel less crazed

Week 3 I tried to get her back

Week 4 I thought about why she left and didn’t want her back; went no contact and moved her stuff to a storage unit.

Week 5 She moved 2 blocks away so our kids can walk between houses and we started joking around while scheduling time with the kids.

Now she wears my clothes and I ditched my t-shirt/jeans wardrobe for a Freddie Mercury style wardrobe. I converted my living room to a conversation/dance room and have solo dance parties til 3am. Converted my dining room to a music-making room. Decorate/design how I want. Don’t have to feel constant guilt about not doing dishes/trash/etc all the time. Get time to recharge and go all-out with my kids. Told her I don’t consider us married anymore and she said the same. I trust her as a mother. I won’t care if I find out she was cheating, monkey-branching, or into chicks…just kinda let go and embraced the possibilities of this new life, and it’s already much more rewarding.

There’s not much to be angry about yet. We’re both in favor of 50/50 with the kids. I gave her enough to last 6ish months and kept all the functional things (towels, pans, spices, etc.) since I have a job and life goes on while she has 6 months to look for a job. I worry sometimes about the money aspect during the actual divorce, but I make enough that I’m pretty sure it’ll be worth the happiness I didn’t know I was waiting for :-)

Her? She doesn’t seem to be happier at all, but she seems more at peace internally. I think she expected me to be devastated/enraged for years lol. My happy energy is too much for her to handle for more than 10 minutes in person, so I try to leave at 5 minutes. We’re funny and playful when texting, but that did require a deliberate effort on my end to get it started- using lots of exuberant exclamation marks and silly emoji’s to make sure my tone came across as light-hearted. I don’t know how she feels about her decision 2-months deep, but that’s not my business or my responsibility.

AdventurousTrash1645 · 2024-04-18T21:48:05+00:00

Mine was somewhat amicable until we signed the final divorce agreement. I became angry and resentful and I don't know if I'll ever be able to get over it. The fact that we have been separated for over two years and she has done a nothing to find a job does not sit well with me. Now that I have to cut her large checks for Alimony while she continues to live a vacation lifestyle does not sit well with me. Her parents are loaded. She gets what she wants from them, the rest from me and continues to live a life of luxury while I work my ass off to support her. I wish I could get past the anger I have towards her now but it just doesn't seems fair. I know life's not fair.

Illustrious_Ant7588 · 2024-04-18T21:35:23+00:00

My ex and I were as amicable as I guess it could be. The biggest fight was when she realized I was not going to fight to keep her. We had done counseling and she asked for the divorce. We had disagreements about splitting what we had and our son, but we both recognized that we were keeping our son’s best interests at heart. There was no single “eureka!” moment where we broke up, just a gradual distancing…she noticed well before I did and asked to separate. Once I saw how far apart we were I acquiesced. We’re both remarried to others now, and our son is finishing high school this year. I’m happy.

zombuca · 2024-04-18T20:49:28+00:00

My ex and I are great friends. We divorced amicably and can still hang out. Obviously we had differences enough that we were no longer happy together, and the divorce was sad and difficult. But once we took the pressure off of ourselves to force something to work that clearly wasn’t working, we could go back to being friends.

ABBucsfan · 2024-04-18T18:47:54+00:00

I'd definitely try the counselling route based on what you said

I love my wife, she is a good person and a good mother

Big reason you should really consider just working on the one you have. Probably a ton of divorced or even married people that wish they could say that

don't seem to gel anymore and it makes dialy life really hard

Be hard to imagine everybody doesn't feel that way at times. It's generally well past that point where you think they're not such a great person after all and arguments multiple times a week and sleepless nights that you're just done. This sounds very salvageable to me imo..

Nothing wrong with looking forward to some alone time. It's healthy for relationships to have that. Maybe you and her just need a night a week (if manageable or time in weekend) where you each home down the fort and the other goes do something or meets up with a friend.

I'm not telling you what to do here, have to make your own decisions. I'm just thinking his sounds very manageable and there are kids. It's going to be hard to find a marriage where you never have any of these types of feelings (unless I'm misunderstanding what you're saying) and you can do far worse. Well you'll know when you see the counsellor. They can actually sit and talk to both of you and tell far more than an internet stranger. I know one of the two we saw repeated a few times that it's not the perfect marriage, none are, but can it be good enough?

God speed in whatever you decide to do and good luck. Most divorces aren't amicable because most people are past that point. Even so it's hard to imagine the nesting instinct doesn't cause even well meaning wives to want to tightly hold onto everything and get a little crazy when children/house/financial security at stake. Tend to lose sight of the bigger picture and you'd be surprised what they can be capable of

Gattsama · 2024-04-18T18:37:45+00:00

It happens, but it's rare, I was not one of those lucky few. In order to have an amicable divorce, you have two people who are both mature and willing to sit their feelings aside and work on that common goal.

The problem is that if they can do that, they could work on the marriage or avoid 95%+ of the BS that results in divorce in the first place.

That normally means both parties have to be committed to divorce, and both parties have to be reasonable & logical about the process.

In my case, I ultimately filed. Together 17 years, married 12 years, no kids. I told her this is what's going to happen: we split all assets/debts 50/50, we have to sell the house, and you get 50% equity. You are entitled and deserve spousal support. Based on the length of marriage this 3-4 years, you can keep all the furniture and possessions; the only question is the amount of spousal support. Tell me what you think is fair and we can work it out. We can get attorneys involved, but they can not get you a better deal, this is the full and best deal. Plus, I offered to gift her: first and last month at rent, keep her on my insurance for a year, and pay full moving costs.

She refused, lawyer-ed up, and proceeded to waste $400k of potential wealth. She didn't want the divorce, but even so, for whatever reasons she was incapable of being amicable, even going as far as to make choices that were against her own best interests.

Confident-Crawdad · 2024-04-18T18:37:44+00:00

Well, you're going to couples therapy *before* the papers get signed, so you've got the best chance.

MoveFinancial1991 · 2024-04-18T18:19:14+00:00

I'd say it's rare that at least one person doesn't come out of a divorce with their lives ruined. It is what it is. There was a book that came out in 2000 that was a 25 year study that asked if it's better to stay married "for the kids". The answer is...overwhelmingly so yeah. The author even got some blowback for the book back then.

As far as the partners go... Not surprisingly the one who doesn't want it usually struggles mightily in the aftermath.

Snoo-50419 · 2024-04-18T18:08:34+00:00

My "sock day" was yesterday. I think it was a pretty amicable divorce. We wrote out an agreement before we met with lawyers. Lawyers kept asking us to reconsider and do a full discovery of each other's asset. Went before the judge and asked us is this agreement what you wanted. We said yes and just like that 13yrs nothing but a memory.

Custody is 50/50, didn't touch our 401ks, I keep the house but she got half the equity, she keeps the liquid (savings). At first I was sour cuz i put all my savings into the house payment but I know i'll make it back.

I kept repeating that everything should benefit my son and long trials and lawyers won't be that.

Good luck. Hope it all works outs.

Imin-Acehole · 2024-04-18T16:36:38+00:00

People say an amicable divorce is when she gets everything she wants because the guy is desperate to get her back. Not saying there aren’t exceptions but that’s how most go.

dday_throwaway3 · 2024-04-18T16:22:11+00:00

You can be civil with your ex post-divorce, but you need to enforce boundaries. You only talk about the day-to-day caregiving of the kids. You don't socialize with her.

I'm six years divorced. If one of our kids had something horrific happen, we'd be working in lockstep to ensure the best possible recovery. That's why you need to come full circle with your ex after the divorce.

As for couples counseling, it's a WOMBAT: waste of money, brains and time. The track record of the industry sucks, and it was started in Germany in the 1920s as part of the eugenics movement. Genuine desire cannot be negotiated. Negotiated desire only leads to obligated compliance which results in resentment by both parties, like starfish sex.

So skip the counseling and spend the money on an attorney instead. Here's how to find one: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c2n16i/fundamentals_you_need_a_family_law_attorney/

Canadian_builder1081 · 2024-04-18T16:18:08+00:00

Hey. I split from my wife 2 years ago. Similar situation to you, we were just like room mates who had drifted apart. We tried the therapy but there was too much resentment between us. We had different parenting styles, 2 different attachment styles and some deep rooted childhood trauma that all came to light after becoming parents. That place where you are is where lots of married parents find themselves.

I would say our separation has been incredibly amicable, perhaps too amicable at times as we get along better and both are able to laugh more and be more comfortable in our own parenting styles. I cant relate to many of the guys here who share their hatred for the mother of their kids.

It sounds as though you’re both still working on things, so don’t give up, but you need to do the work to bridge the gap and built that trust back. I would suggest couples coaching (not therapy) and finding yourself a mens group like the Dad Edge Alliance.

sjbrown · 2024-04-18T15:28:49+00:00

Yeah mine is pretty amicable. Stressful, disagreement-filled, but amicable. Understand the selection bias of content in this sub. People don't post if things are not that interesting. And amicable is "not that interesting".

Grand_Alps9214 · 2024-04-18T14:51:04+00:00

Like others said … amicable is … a wish.

We split, her choice and it was extremely amicable at the start. Then she became worse and worse. I mean it’s still nothing compared to what is happening to lots of others. But the woman I knew changed and showed different cards.

I’m sure once all is finalised one can be amicable again.

ProfessionalBid6738 · 2024-04-18T14:27:37+00:00

You have a slim shot if you can get it done quickly. The longer it drags out the more she will listen to others and go after more. Mine started out extremely amicable but as it dragged she demanded more overall i came out ok nothing like what she agreed to at the start. I know everyones experience is unique and different.

watermelonstrong · 2024-04-18T13:50:49+00:00

Im not hearing of any abuse or cheating. Stay true to your vows and loyal to your wife. Your feels and the grass looking greener isnt real. Stick by your family

One_Cartographer_465 · 2024-04-18T13:44:04+00:00

I heard about an amicable divorce once in a class on mythology.

Seriously, you can try to be amicable during the divorce. The level of success is determined by how long it stayed amicable, not if it ended that way. If you get more than 1/2 way before the first shot is fired, consider it a success.

You can play nice, BUT protect yourself, start your own personal bank account for when she empties the joint account, trust but verify everything she tells you. You can play nice and when you are lulled into a false sense that "this is going to go fine" she will drop a load of bricks on you.

Good luck.

Title	Any stories of amicable separation?
Author	Alpha_MiC
Upvotes	12
Comments	47
Date	April 18, 2024 1:28 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c73ckm/any_stories_of_amicable_separation/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/any-stories-of-amicable-separation.1515580 https://theredarchive.com/post/1515580

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