Approaching Women —Why are men hesitant and why are women weary?

jpderbs27 · 2025-01-14T23:16:45+00:00

26M. Rejection is unbelievably painful to me. It is fear of rejection. That is what makes me not want to approach in person.

LegendaryZTV · 2025-01-14T22:34:27+00:00

31m, own place, career job, in shape/gym routine, good looking & live healthy…

I’ve let it be where I don’t approach but I’ll entertain a woman who tries to get my attention. So unless she shows interest first, I’m just going about my day enjoying myself

Reasoning; I don’t really have the energy for it. Last two women I dated seriously ended up being a year of investment each (separate years) & the latter one felt like we invested so much just to end up nowhere in the end.

Ended up losing a life long friend for pretty much nothing & the idea of reinvesting with another woman from scratch in an era of entitlement & unhealthy perspectives sounds daunting.

Romnonaldao · 2025-01-14T22:10:04+00:00

what specifically stops you from starting a conversation with a woman you find attractive, is it social stigma, fear of rejection or something else?

The last 30 years men have been told repeatedly that women do not like being approached at all. That if you do you're a creep or a sexual predator. Don't bother women. Leave them alone.

So many men coming up now believe that approaching women is about the rudest thing you could do.

On top of that, there are plenty of viral videos of women screaming at, and assaulting, men who hit on them. Sometimes ending with him getting arrested.

Are young men supposed to come out of all that thinking approaching women is something they should be jumping at the chance to do?

Choon93 · 2025-01-14T22:16:56+00:00

I'm 31m, and by all means have my life together. My own place, fit, good job, etc etc.

The overwhelming message when I was growing up is that women view attention from men as a burden and even dangerous. Combine this with the feminists rallying cry that "all men are trash" and what's left is a feeling that more women don't want men's attention.

Seeing more public push back against the "all men are trash" tropes would be huge.

+++ Most women do have ideas of what feminism means to them and it often results in inflexibility in the relationship.

DaygameCode · 2025-01-14T23:18:57+00:00

As a coach, i can tell you that what stops many men from approaching women is a combination of things that apply to many of them in various degrees.

Fear of a bad reaction:

It is often said by some that the worst that a woman can say is no, but that’s not true at all. There are worst things like her screaming at you, people intervening and scolding you, the woman laughing at you or shaming you, the woman giving you a weird look of disgust and contempt.

These are all driven by anxiety which predicts catastrophic outcomes that may not happen, but still could potentially happen from time to time. The anxiety is further exacerbated by viral social median clips of feminists and women crying that some guys are stalking them, harassing them or receiving unwanted attention.

Lack of self-worth:

Many men fear a woman rejecting them even if she is polite and nice about it because they see women as tools of self-affirmation to measure how much they are worth as a man based on their acceptance or rejection of them.

In other words, their confidence is dependent on a woman’s approval. If a woman rejects them, they take it personally and interpret it as further proof that they are not good enough and are flawed, which makes them feel helpless, depressed and less likely to try again because they feel that if they try again they would just get another confirmation that they are not good enough by yet another woman reinforcing the cycle of low self-worth and avoidance.

Ego:

This is the main flaw for most men. Many men don’t even care so much about the rejection, it’s more about what others will think of them if they see that they got rejected.

If nobody knew about the rejection, then they’d have no problem with it, but the idea that other people will know about it and laugh at the rejected men for it, causing them to lose people’s respect and approval is too much for their fragile ego.

Their whole self-esteem is based on other people thinking they are not the type of guy who gets rejected, they might even brag about how they never get rejected just to “look” cool and get other people’s respect, but if they are challenge to prove it by approaching a woman, they seek excuses like “she is not my type” or “nah, i don’t have time now”, or “nah they are busy”… because they know that the outcome is not in their control and don’t they wanna risk a rejection which would show to others that they do indeed get rejected.

These are the main reasons summarized.

They can all be fixed which is the good news, although it takes work not just from social skills but battling your own mind which sabotages you.

misterburnsloe · 2025-01-15T00:28:15+00:00

I personally hate telephone solicitations let alone someone approaching me. That's mainly a sentiment reserved for salespeople or marketers but same premise. I'm very reluctant to interrupt someone else's day unsolicited.

And yes it's partially a fear of rejection and low self-esteem. How dare I assume my lack of self-confidencenand general social anxiety would be well received by a stranger ?

Maxspawn_ · 2025-01-15T00:52:37+00:00

I think for me its two things, first Im generally more introverted around people I don't know regardless of gender. Second, I hate the idea of being perceived as anything other than normal so a cold approach is naturally a sketchy thing for me. Is there a societal pressure for men to not approach women? Probably but I don't place all of the blame on that, a lot of men should look inward as well as outward.

NeptuneOW · 2025-01-15T04:19:31+00:00

I don’t want to be seen and labeled as a creep.

Strict_Gas_1141 · 2025-01-15T01:25:09+00:00

Well I’ve been told all the time not to approach women. (Didn’t help that I wasn’t taught shit about dating, and had a terrible relationship with my sister) And nowadays the only times I run into women is when I’m at work (in which case I’m busy), at the gym (I’m not going to cold approach someone who is busy working out), or on a night out with her friends (in which case I don’t want to interrupt their night out). And I got really unlucky the few times I opened up to women. (Getting vulnerable with some personal issues isn’t something I want you to text your friends about and roast me on. Me doing dumb shit or random texts? Sure. But me talking about family issues? That’s crossing a line.)

LeonJohns · 2025-01-14T22:53:29+00:00

For me, the numbers just don’t add up. It’s not so much about a fear of rejection or the potential consequences of being turned down—it’s about the return on investment (ROI).

When you consider that only a small percentage of the women I find attractive are likely to be single, open to an approach, and in the right mindset to welcome an advance, it feels like a lot of mental energy for a slim chance of success. Add to that the potential hit to the ego, and it starts to seem like a losing game—especially when there are alternatives.

Take dating apps, for example. On an app, I know a woman who swipes on me is single, already receptive to my approach, and I can get some insight into whether we have shared interests based on her profile. It feels like a far more efficient way to meet someone compatible.

SundaeComfortable628 · 2025-01-15T04:40:05+00:00

My life is too stressful. Adding rejection to my day to day isn’t something I want

mjornir · 2025-01-15T03:48:44+00:00

Yall are WAY too in your own heads on this and it drives me insane. Most of the time you see “don’t approach women, they don’t want it” it’s coming from one specific woman who is projecting her preferences onto every woman. Most women won’t care and some will even be flattered you approached.

It’s also incredibly unlikely someone’s going to call you a creep or accuse you of harassment for merely starting a convo, as long as you’re respectful and accept all forms of “no” right away. And on the off chance some psycho does react harshly to a perfectly normal conversation, you brush it off, move on, and stop projecting the experience onto all women. Most women actually are pretty nice and reasonable people, despite what the sensationalized social media channels tell you.

You guys act like walking up to a woman and saying hi will result in her screaming for help and you getting thrown into a van. Please, I’m begging you, go outside and talk to people.

Hungry_Ad2210 · 2025-01-15T11:54:07+00:00

It's the damn resting bitch face. I've noticed both men and women have it these days. People are looking the same, no one has any facial expressions. So in my experience when I see a woman in a coffee shop or a club or anywhere with said face, I automatically think she's not interested. I know that face is a defence mechanism and it helps people feel more secure but c'mon guys relax, be genuine in your expression.

InterestingGate7002 · 2025-01-15T00:26:27+00:00

Social media's brainwashed everyone.

Pedro_Moona · 2025-01-15T00:23:50+00:00

This is why I generally only approach women in bars where you are basically supposed to approach. I don't approach in public but I will chat if given the opportunity.

okyeahmhm · 2025-01-15T00:28:15+00:00

wary*

originalgainster · 2025-01-15T19:31:48+00:00

Nice try, Diddy.

shathecomedian · 2025-01-16T01:01:45+00:00

I'll be honest, mainly to not look like a fool, mainly to other strangers around but to myself obv

puma085 · 2025-01-16T07:17:24+00:00

You have to talk to people in order to connect with them. That is just natural. Humans use their language as main way of communication. It is beyond me why so many boys these days are afraid to communicate with women like humans do. Approaching a women is just talking to a women. I do not get it why the boys think this is bad. As long as you respect the bondaries of women it is a not a crime to talk to a women you do not know. It is possible to hit on a women without acting rude or intrusive. I also think that the me too movement is just a small and loud minority. That only happens online. I am just living in America for a short time for work related further eduction. I will leave the country in june and go back to Austria. I am not gonna live in America long enough to be confident enough to fully understand the people from the States. I will probably never do but I do not get the hate for women so many dudes in the states have. In person American Ladies are not worse than Austrian women. The most of them are decent and some of them are not. I cannot say that all of them are man hating monsters .

val_br · 2025-01-15T08:39:25+00:00

To put it bluntly, the rate of success is close to zero - women hate being approached out of fear. That fear diminishes enough to allow for an approach if the woman either knows you directly or through someone else.
Much better to get dates through my friend group or at work.

ritwikdatta77 · 2025-01-15T11:11:07+00:00

I don't, cause girls talk and if i approach and i get rejected the news seems to spread like wildfire. You will be reminded of this incident for the rest of your life

Boring_Ad449 · 2025-01-14T23:57:57+00:00

My take on this- social media has really resulted in lower self confidence for men, not to mention the fact that it has decreased the desire for IRL social interaction in general for everyone. For many young men, if you aren't shredded, make a lot of money, and drive a fast and fancy car, you aren't worth a lot according to social media and this translates to their anxiety in the real world when it comes to approaching women, many men simply just don't think they have any self worth. Combine it with the fact that there are so much "creature comforts" available online such as gaming and porn to escape the depression from the lack of interaction with women, there's much less motivation for young men to even attempt to talk to women.

If you need proof, just look at where this problem is happening- all developed countries. The worst is countries like Japan, where this problem is a very serious issue. Canada, USA, Australia etc. are getting to that point.

Don't ask me what the solution for this is because I honestly don't think there is one. It's the way the world is heading, and it's not a bright future imo.

masterP168 · 2025-01-15T14:37:36+00:00

I think feminism is to blame, as well as the current culture of women being more masculine and men being more feminine. weak men create hard times

I personally like feminine women with no tattoos or piercings even though I have tattoos, I don't like them on women

also the whole idea of toxic masculinity has made it unacceptable to approach women you don't know. women seem to be offended when guys approach them, or they're all fighting for the top 10% of guys over 6 feet tall, with a 6 pack, making six figures

girls in foreign countries hold more traditional values and don't always follow North American trends so they're more appealing to some guys

goldenshoelace8 · 2025-01-14T22:55:42+00:00

Sometimes I’m not in the right head space to talk and others I do start conversations but 1 out of 20 is interested

TheNattyJew · 2025-01-15T01:27:54+00:00

Thank you for your concern about this. I agree that it isn't good for society and all its lonely people to have it so difficult for people to meet up

Astrotheurgy · 2025-01-15T13:18:32+00:00

Fear of wasting my time and getting scammed in the end.

Valravn6666 · 2025-01-16T04:13:46+00:00

Because i believe that cold approach is the most inefficient way to meet women, and it truly feels like a Sisyphean task. It’s difficult to detach from the outcome when I don’t even enjoy the process. I would have to approach hundreds of women to potentially get something, and for me that is a horrible return on my investment.

OkEmploy7185 · 2025-01-16T04:35:44+00:00

Fear

MySweaterr · 2025-01-16T06:35:15+00:00

Men feel like their world could fall out from under them at any moment from one misstep (in sync with the "consent can be withdrawn at any second" principle that's pervaded over the last decade) due to the monopoly of terror on reputational and societal standing women have instituted after teaming up with the govt.

Women have met indians

srosete · 2025-01-18T13:00:08+00:00

I have a different approach to this. 27M. I live in a relatively small region, and women I meet through my hobbies or career usually have some friend in common, even among different towns. So, basically, if I hit on a girl that belongs to either of these "parties", the rest of the girls will know. Even their male friends will also know. Even my friends that share the hobby will know, and tell me about it. So now I come off as "needy" in front of my social circle and I'm stuck with that one girl, because if I make a move on another girl, oh boy, I become a creep, a fuckboy and someone undesirable for girls, like a bagavond that asks for charity.

zexwyomom · 2025-01-19T10:55:18+00:00

I just can get the logic behind it, I would love to approach a woman I really like, but here is the thing. Many guys would want to approach the woman I liked. If everyone should approach, who will win at the end? It would be total chaos! Even if I approached, I would not be different any other guys who approached her! Everyone would be the same guy who she rejects.

WhoArtThyI · 2025-01-15T06:56:33+00:00

The unwaivering belief that we can win a womans heart if we glance at them the perfect amount of times before it gets creepy.

Puppy-2112 · 2025-01-15T19:05:07+00:00

Society has not made it clear when and where it’s appropriate to approach each other and how to handle it properly.

AcrossTheShimenawa · 2025-01-14T22:49:10+00:00

As others here have mentioned, there is a stigma attached to approaching. As well as the feminist and "me too" movements, which have either scolded guys for making the first move or put them at risk of their advances being misinterpreted. What everyone misses is that both of these are symptoms, and there is an underlying root cause we are wrestling with within the culture.

I'm certainly not a feminist with whatever that word has come to mean nowadays. However, I can definitely empathize with where women are coming from. The "patriarchy," if you want to call it that, was a social paradigm that kept women from taking authority over their own sexual desires. On the other hand, it made men weak because it told us we were guaranteed a woman during adulthood. It took away a major motivator to grow emotionally, and so many men were emotionally stunted, with many wives essentially taking up the role of mother.

What's been my answer? fuck what society thinks. I'm going to approach it anyway. That's what it takes to be the leader anyway. It means to go first. To give myself permission when there is no other authority to do so. Because the most valuable things in life have never been handed to me on a silver platter, I've had to go get them myself. I'm assertive and persistent. However, I've also always done so in an ethical way because, at the end of the day, I care deeply about the women I interact with.

I always looked down on other men complaining because my disposition was; if I can do it, why can't you. However, as I've gotten older, I've come to understand more and more that other people aren't wired the same way I am. And that's okay, and frankly, it fucking sucks to be in their shoes.

I used to run a coaching business and still take clients on a limited basis to teach guys what I know. To help in my own small way. However, what's the answer to the wider problem on a societal scale? I don't know, and truthfully, it's out of my control. I'm an optimist and believe it will solve itself, but I'll be damned if I had to sit and wait for it.

The other question I have is, if approaching wasn't stigmatized, would these guys really be that much better off?

Remarkable_Fan6001 · 2025-01-15T03:42:35+00:00

Fear is a tool for control. Elites have been exploiting this bug for while.

Am I supposed to believe woman actually prefer being trapped with a bear over a human male? Pff, please...

Knight-Bishop · 2025-01-15T08:37:42+00:00

I have cold approached thousands of women, beginning in college around 2004.

It took me YEARS to develop the social skills, confidence, charm, ability to adjust to negative situations, perfect my cold approach process, etc.

As the years have gone on, it has become much more difficult to do it without the fear of #metoo happening— even for a legit subject matter expert as myself.

I have cold approached anywhere & everywhere you can think of: the gym, bus stop, the library, casinos, in a parking lot, bars, at the mall, etc. etc. etc.

Modern women, as a whole, aren’t good human beings.

In fact, a good chunk of modern women in the West are shitty human beings.

Modern women hear the same grievances from men over & over & over & over & over again.

How do modern women respond?

Inkwells!!! Stay in your lane!!! Fat positive….take it or leave it!!!

The manosphere is full of misogynists!!

We are professional victims in a 1st world country that that my gender didn’t build!!!

The long term solution is gonna have to be for WOMEN to challenge the buffoonery of OTHER WOMEN.

Until women begin challenging the arrogance, entitlement & misandry of women, it is a wrap for the West.

Dating apps are atrocious. Dating in the workplace is a good way to do a last exiting visit at the HR office. Cold approaching has become very difficult for the average man (it always has been). Social circles isn’t a thing I have ever been a fan of.

2025-01-15T14:05:04+00:00

Guys who’s approach are sometimes some of the most sleaziest guys, so after running into one of those sleazy guys - I decided I’d rather take dating into my own hands and only deal with guys that I go after. Of course, I am kind and flattered when guys hit on me now because it took a lot of effort just to feel safe in my body again - but I reject most of them. I don’t blame men for hating rejection. I blame sleazy men for ruining the dating market for well intentioned men.

The seddit community is hit or miss. Half the guys in here are supportive of women seducing men, the other half are bitter men who project onto you all their bitterness. Dating advice for women sucks horribly.

BlockyRumble · 2025-01-15T17:03:50+00:00

For me it's the fear of doing something "unusual" and that most people don't do. I personally don't care about rejection

Loud_Contract_689 · 2025-01-14T23:11:47+00:00

I stopped most cold approaching due to moral issues. I realized that in order for men to cold approach women, they have to repress--or even get rid of--their empathy and respect for women. Interestingly, this decision ended up making me more successful.

Struzzo_impavido · 2025-01-14T23:05:13+00:00

Men are pigs mostly so women are weary as they should be when encountering a stranger out in the wild

Because of that when decent men approach in a polite way women still reject them and then those men become resentful and stop approaching

Thats for your day to day encounters ( bus stop, gym, park etc )

Additionally in the era of internet where any woman no matter her looks or personality gets drowned in facebook texts or friend requests by hundreds of men, the ladies rightfully think they can set a higher standard for themselves and are more selective

Class is over

Title	Approaching Women —Why are men hesitant and why are women weary?
Author	-MrsInterrupted-
Upvotes	129
Comments	148
Date	January 14, 2025 10:02 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/1i1hrp9/approaching_women_why_are_men_hesitant_and_why/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/approaching-women-why-are-men-hesitant-and-why-are.1541258 https://theredarchive.com/post/1541258

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