Birthday parties

dday_throwaway3 · 2026-01-30T22:28:18+00:00

You're not unreasonable. The mother can host her own celebration. I've been divorced eight years and never invited the mother to anything I've done with my children.

curtdogg47 · 2026-01-28T21:41:58+00:00

No you aren’t being unreasonable!

According-Designer15 · 2026-01-28T05:28:49+00:00

your mental health is absolutely more important, and no, you don't have to invite the woman who cheated on you with multiple men to a party you're hosting at your house. She can throw her own party for the kid on her time. The "but it's for the child" guilt trip doesn't hold water when she's the one who blew up the family by cheating and is still with one of the guys she lied to you about. You're accommodating in almost every way except forcing yourself to be in the same room with her, and that's a completely reasonable boundary. Hold it. She can have her own celebration, the kid gets two parties, and you don't have to stand there smiling while the woman who destroyed your trust eats cake in your house.

Paddle_Pedal_Puddle · 2026-01-28T04:48:32+00:00

My ex cheated and is still with her affair partner. She never acknowledged what she did, much less apologized, despite video proof and half the town knowing what she did. To add insult to injury, she’s been hell to co-parent with. I’ve mostly healed and seeing her/them doesn’t really affect me much. I don’t speak negatively about her to the kids.

My ex lied and cheated and tried to turn me into the villain to make herself feel better when I called out her attempts to gaslight and set boundaries for myself. I explained to her very clearly in the divorce process that we would have NO relationship other than the bare minimum of contact required for the kids because I can’t trust her.

I will never do a joint birthday party with her for our kids. No joint vacations. If we are at an event for my kids, we do not speak. I minimize contact and won’t lie/pretend everything is good between us when it isn’t. There are consequences for her bad behavior. She made this bed and now she gets to sleep in it.

upvotersfortruth · 2026-01-28T03:58:34+00:00

Hold strong, she doesn't need to be there and you need her NOT to be there. Just let her know it would be great for the kid to have two birthday celebrations instead of one this year, tell her you're happy to revisit the issue for the next birthday.

From her perspective, as it's a kid party - I can see how she would want to be there for sure. And a lot of parents are able to do it - but that's a high level of closure and cooperation.

Another alternative is to impose a very strict set of rules - but it seems that just her presence will be enough to, at the least, distract your focus from making this a great day for the kid.

As it's been over a year - you're going to need to work on some level of closure where you can co-parent (assuming she's a semi-competent parent). You were hurt, betrayed and need to heal. PISD is a thing that comes up a lot these days in divorces, it's not a DSM-V diagnosis because "infidelity" isn't considered "trauma" in the definitional sense. But working with clients and therapists, it bears all the hallmarks of PTSD and really can be triggering. I hope you can get to a better place - in the meantime - enjoy the party!

North-Permit-1021 · 2026-01-28T01:51:24+00:00

A lot of dads describe that fog early on. You’re not crazy for feeling it.

BuilderOk8069 · 2026-01-28T01:47:19+00:00

I have two sons who have different moms. The older is now 23. I’m in this Reddit because I’m divorcing my younger son’s mom.

I never married older son’s mom, but the “co parenting” relationship was hell. I did the shared birthday party once. She put it together and invited me. Let me just say…it was when he turned 3, and he’s never spoken about that party. Not once. We speak about everything.

I went to that party despite her boyfriend being there. She “met him” two days after we broke up. Obviously she was talking to him before that. I “ate the birthday shit cake” so to speak, and it was an awful experience, not worthwhile in any way. I was a young, new father and I wanted to do everything right, so I went. I didn’t want to go, but culture tells us that we have to do every single thing we can for the sake of our kids. Your ex is probably coming from that place… she fears how bad it will look if she isn’t there.

Let her feel that fear, it’s not only a consequence of her cheating, but also of not being able to make the marriage work. Maybe she’ll process it in the end, who knows. It’s nobody’s business but hers. You don’t have to invite her. She can/should focus on celebrating the birthday independent of you. The kids birthday is about the kid, not the parents. The kid might notice her absence but it’s not going to be their focus, and if it is, it’s your exes responsibility to resolve it lovingly through her parent/child relationship.

Again, you don’t have to invite her. This is just noise that won’t matter someday, I promise.

FUMoney · 2026-01-27T23:42:19+00:00

Send this response:

"You fucking other men indeed has negative consequences for our "relationship," such as it is. Permanently dissociating from joint gatherings with you is one of them."

Good_Dot_2065 · 2026-01-27T20:42:45+00:00

Never, contemplated it a few time but always come back to hell no

Delicious_Win9051 · 2026-01-27T20:30:43+00:00

I tried it once, never again

Content-Class1259 · 2026-01-27T20:20:37+00:00

No chance in the world!

Epic_Ranting_Man · 2026-01-27T19:42:23+00:00

Each situation is different...but no. Not for me. Absolutely not.

moongirl1222 · 2026-01-27T19:41:21+00:00

If it causes you distress, not inviting her is beyond reasonable. The birthday party YOU throw is about YOU wanting to celebrate your child. If her being there is going to negatively impact your state of mind, that will take away from your ability to be present for your kid and that’s reason enough.

You don’t owe her anything. She’s suffering the consequences of her own mistakes.

That being said, my ex cheated on me.. but we have always hosted one birthday party and still do things together a few times a year with the three of us. I’ve done this because it makes my kiddo so happy and I think it’s beneficial for her. Studies support this approach as well.

BUTTTTTT and it’s a BIG BUTT.. my ex apologized profusely and has always taken FULL accountability for the ways he hurt me and our family. We were friends before we were together and were genuinely friends again now. I’m proud of myself for putting my daughter first from the beginning and my ability to do so has led to a better quality of life for all 3 of us in the long run.

We have the most supportive and healthy coparenting relationship I’ve ever encountered. We function as a united front in raising our kid bc we always put HER before our egos or resentment. Your children didn’t choose their mom, you did.

Regardless, everything is still super fresh for you so your desire to have a separate party is reasonable. However, I would suggest you seek therapy to move on from the infidelity for yourself and your kids. Much love!

Narrow-Priority-6483 · 2026-01-27T19:40:43+00:00

100% no

krazykanuck · 2026-01-27T18:15:02+00:00

My buddy who grew up with divorced parents had separate life milestone celebrations. Birthday's, Christmas's, etc. It just involved coordination but everyone was happier keeping things separate.

Chemical-Eye-1828 · 2026-01-27T18:04:21+00:00

I understand what you’re saying and I would suggest that you do the work on yourself especially with regards to your reactions to be in control of how you show up no matter who you’re around. That I believe will be self empowering and best for your mental health too. But it takes time and effort to get to that level. Have you tried therapy or other self help programs that can help you develop these tools?

Best of luck

lurk1ng · 2026-01-27T17:29:54+00:00

We have separate parties because she's an absolute psycho that has been harassing me. So far, she's waited until the kids weren't around to go full-karen and scream, be verbally abusive etc. Do whats best for you. Don't get rattled. Focus on the kids and being the best version of yourself you can be. You'll attract an awesome woman naturally, if you haven't yet.

bungleweed · 2026-01-27T17:14:40+00:00

Well……my kid always wants both parents there. This goes for birthdays, school events etc. School events are tricky as most are one offs and if your kid wants you both there they can’t really run 2 of them!

So I just suck it up as kids come first. My ex cheated too but my mindset is it’s about my child. We’re able to be civil though, not everyone can do that. As others have said your milage may vary. That’s just me though.

If your child is indifferent about having both parents at these things and isn’t bothered then I don’t see why you’d invite her.

crzapy · 2026-01-27T17:08:42+00:00

I invite my ex to big events like birthdays because "do unto others," and all that.

I'm an adult and can be civil, so can she. Your mileage may vary.

engineered-chemistry · 2026-01-27T16:54:02+00:00

If the kids want their mom there, she can come. What happened between us isn’t their fault. Kids first.

Tvelt17 · 2026-01-27T16:45:38+00:00

I do, but my ex-wife didn't cheat.

I think its a very important distinction. There's a difference between something ending because that's as far as it was going to go and something ending due to someone cheating. She just doesn't like the consequences of her actions.

If she wanted to be invited to birthday parties, she should have broken things off with you before persuing other relationships. Simple as that.

Reasonable-Glass-965 · 2026-01-27T16:40:01+00:00

Her response to me telling her no. Like I don’t get it. But 🤷‍♂️

You’re slowly destroying any kind of hope of having a healthy coparenting relationship . Then years down the line I’ll be resentful and you’ll of course spin it on me and never take accountability for how you’ve carefully crafted this toxic coparenting relationshiph throughout the years.

This is the last I’ll say about the party but I just needed to call out your inconsistencies early so that yeas later when I’m done with being treated like this and reciprocate you won’t be able to play victim.

Comfortable-Angle660 · 2026-01-27T16:33:27+00:00

Absolutely not, never invite a cheating ex.

ItsHowItisNow2 · 2026-01-27T16:15:20+00:00

Your home your rules…

Rinse-retrieve-123 · 2026-01-27T16:01:09+00:00

This is weird and unnecessary. Seriously having birthday parties together after all that? You know the answer and it’s non negotiable. No thank you!

Feisty_Elderberry_96 · 2026-01-27T15:50:49+00:00

No.

We do separate. In fact, my ex doesnt invite me to the party she throws for my son. And that's fine with me. I would go, but also am totally fine with not seeing my ex, her new bf, her family, etc.

So, i dont throw any kid party. Rather when I have him - for his bday he gets a "yes day." I have to say yes to whatever he wants to do (within reason). And then my parents come over for cake.

My point - You're ex is unreasonable and hasn't realized your divorced. Maybe remind her of that?

Ok-Anything-3605 · 2026-01-27T15:50:07+00:00

I set this boundary from day 1, separate everything (holidays, birthdays,etc..). I’m not going to put myself in a stressful situation nor do I want my kids to see me in distress. Her actions have consequences, and this is one of them, don’t let her bully you

Interesting-Light325 · 2026-01-27T15:49:52+00:00

Your peace is 100% more important than placating your ex. You child will also see that it’s ok to cut toxic people out of their lives no matter who they are.

darthkennedy815 · 2026-01-27T15:33:38+00:00

I don't think you're being unreasonable. I did joint parties with my ex the first two years after she left me for another guy. She picked expensive places, I paid for half, and she made both parties miserable. Beginning this year I decide she can do her own party and I'll do my own party from now on. Our kid is cool with it because he gets two parties, and nobody has to be miserable. If you can, I'd do something yourself for your child, and that way, you both can enjoy the day. In regards to your exes feelings...she'll just have to get over it and live with the consequences of the choices she made.

RiseNo3399 · 2026-01-27T15:31:26+00:00

Absolutely not. I throw parties for my kids and it’s separate. That’s a cheater you are talking about. Keep them out of your life.

Title	Birthday parties
Author	Reasonable-Glass-965
Upvotes	47
Comments	40
Date	January 27, 2026 3:24 PM UTC (6 months ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1qogtzh/birthday_parties/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/birthday-parties.1572063 https://theredarchive.com/post/1572063

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