How am I supposed to be expected to just give it all up?

Moist-Zone-520 · 2026-02-10T09:54:01+00:00

I am in the same position, Wife wants to divorce, I was trying to save us, we have been doing couples therapy but its clear she wants out and Ive had to accept this. We have a daughter, house etc and we now need to untangle all of this

Then-Alps8928 · 2026-02-09T15:03:52+00:00

This is going to get worse before it gets better. She is not the person you married. She will be out for blood and a pound of flesh. She's already been panning for this for months maybe yrs. GET A GOOD LAWYER. So important you find a litigator not a mediator.

If she's pissed, wait until you here from her lawyer. You'll be saying, who is this person?

You'll be fine man. To put it bluntly... Fuck her. Don't want me? Good riddance. Gonna be some painful times. Use reddit as much as you need it. We've all been there in one way or another.

Sea_Purchase8443 · 2026-02-09T13:26:27+00:00

You earned that life two.

FirelineJake · 2026-02-09T11:48:08+00:00

You're not supposed to just give it all up, that's grief and guilt talking, not reality. Get a lawyer this week before you make any promises about the house or assets, because what feels noble right now could financially destroy your ability to actually support those kids long-term. Loving her doesn't mean lighting yourself on fire to keep her warm, you can be a present dad and fair co-parent without walking away from everything you built together. The mediator conversation you mentioned in your edit is exactly right, don't let anger or guilt rush you into decisions you can't undo.

North-Permit-1021 · 2026-02-09T06:57:03+00:00

A lot of dads describe that fog early on. You’re not crazy for feeling it.

Moms_Sketti88 · 2026-02-09T02:18:16+00:00

She’s not getting the house. Do not do that to yourself. She wants the divorce. Split 50/50 at MINIMUM!! A divorce is a life changing event, so she shouldn’t expect her life to carry on as normal.

Is she having an affair? Do you suspect that? Any history of abuse? Gains leverage if you can. You’re unfortunately at war on the civil level.

Best of luck man. My divorce took years.

idkwhyimaloser37 · 2026-02-08T23:46:54+00:00

OP, find a trail lawyer. Go to all lawyers in the area and have a consultation with all the good ones, pay for the consults… go into debt so she’ll have to split the debt with you… and doing that, she’ll have to choose a crappy lawyer because the good ones already had a meeting with you.

TheConjugalVisit · 2026-02-08T19:47:43+00:00

I told her to eff off and take me to court.

She has taken me several times and the judge sided with me every time. Pissed her off fierce.

EnvironmentalRate853 · 2026-02-08T19:02:03+00:00

My wife also told me that several years ago. I went through the same emotions, and ultimately i brushed it off. We’re still living together but will probally execute the divorce this year.

It’s been an interesting few years. I worked on myself a lot. Stopped doing all the extra things that used to burn me out. Importantly, i slowly detached myself from her so my relationship was transactional not emotional. We still did a lot of things together as a family.

There were ups and downs. She asked me to move out so many times, i just said no.

I guess my point is don’t do anything hasty. Give yourself some time to process. Get a plan together - see a lawyer and know your options.

greglyda · 2026-02-08T17:46:26+00:00

Give serious thought to how to make the best possible life for the kids. Pour all your emotion and energy into giving them the best shot at having the most normal life they possibly can have. Let the success of your children being healthy, happy, and grounded be your success. The rest will fall into place.

longblademotor · 2026-02-08T17:23:47+00:00

I’m 37, and my wife of 20 years told me she doesn’t love me anymore and wants a divorce on Tuesday. I stayed at home 2 days falling apart while she kept going to work. When she came home Thursday I asked if she still felt the same, and there was nothing there. No fights, no trying to fix it. I left the house, and she hasn’t texted me since. You are not alone. I have no idea what I’m going to do. I’m a ghost of a man. It’s all I’ve ever known. I lost everything.

Always-tolkein · 2026-02-08T17:19:10+00:00

Fellas, thank you so much for all the advice today. I’m about to get the kids out of the house for the day and try my best to enjoy it. Thank you for picking me up by my bootstraps. Between every single one of these comments and finally talking to my dad I feel quite a bit different than I did 5 hours ago. Thank you thank you thank you! I’ll be in this sub daily. I hope one day I can give the advice you all have. An immense amount of respect to all of you.

MinuteStatistician83 · 2026-02-08T16:18:33+00:00

You’re on day five. That matters. Nothing about this is supposed to make sense yet.

Right now you’re being asked, emotionally, to do something impossible. Of course you can’t imagine ‘just giving it all up’. You didn’t stop loving her. You didn’t stop being a father. The life you’re talking about isn’t abstract, it’s your home, your routines, your kids’ ages, the car you just bought. It’s still very real to you.

I think one of the hardest things in this phase is that people talk as if there’s some switch you’re meant to flip. Like eventually you’ll just accept it and move on neatly. That’s not how it feels when you’re the one still attached. It feels like being told to dismantle your own life piece by piece while your heart hasn’t caught up.

From what I’ve seen, you’re not actually being asked to walk away from everything right now. You’re being hit with the idea that one day things will look very different, and your nervous system is panicking because it can’t see how that’s survivable. That’s a normal reaction.

You can love your kids and still grieve the loss of your family as you knew it. You can want to do right by them without erasing yourself. Those things aren’t opposites, even if they feel like they are at the moment.

Try not to solve the whole future this week. Or this month. You don’t need to decide what you’ll ‘eventually’ do. All you really need to do right now is get through today without breaking yourself in half trying to be noble.

It’s ok to be lost. It doesn’t mean you’ll stay there. It just means the ground has dropped away and you haven’t found your footing yet.

Five days in, this confusion is exactly where a person who loved their family would be.

Dirty_Lew · 2026-02-08T15:28:12+00:00

You need to think about YOUR future. Don’t give up YOUR future, for your kids sake and your own. Remind yourself that this was her decision and she needs to own the consequences of that decision. You don’t need to be spiteful but you also don’t need to fall on sword. You can make some compromises, perhaps for the kids sake, but you probably shouldn’t give up more than you’d be legally obligated to. You’re still going to be father and will need assets to do that properly.

Expensive_Lawyer_779 · 2026-02-08T15:24:24+00:00

Indifference, distance and time. These 3 things are what will heal you eventually.

GurSpecialist9176 · 2026-02-08T15:24:16+00:00

Like a lot of us, I was in the exact same boat as you. When she says she’s done, you scratch, claw, try to fix it. I’m sorry I know it’s hard to hear but you can’t fix it.

So you pivot and try to give her what she wants. That’s a mistake. And as you process things you’ll realize that.

I was in the same boat. She’s saying she wants this and that and all these things and dopey me was like, yeah ok initially. But once you shift and start thinking about yourself and the life YOU need to provide your kids, hopefully it changes.

Don’t give her anything beyond what you need to. She’s made these choices. So beyond what’s fair or 50/50 or whatever, she needs to figure out how to provide for the kids when she has them, just like you do.

So keep everything you’re entitled to, it will help you rebuild and provide the best version of life for you and your kids when they’re with you. That’s what’s important now. Not her life. She needs to figure that out on her own.

Don’t make your life worse, and thus your kids lives worse when they’re with you by giving her everything. You are entitled to have a good life and provide your kids a good life with you. Leave her to figure out her side of it on her own. She doesn’t give a shit about the life you’ll provide the kids, why should you care about her side?

You’ll feel better a year from now if you stand strong and don’t give in. I promise. That’s where I’m at now and I’m thankful I didn’t give in. And your kids will appreciate the life they have with you.

ShaunyP_OKC · 2026-02-08T15:16:50+00:00

It sucks. I wish I could tell you what to do to make it all better, but my advice would be to accept it and grieve as quickly as you can and just take the pain fast and early.

Character-Change-507 · 2026-02-08T15:16:25+00:00

Unfortunately she made the choice and your whole family now must live with that choice. It's hard as hell, for a long time, but it does get easier.

MonkeyBranchBuster · 2026-02-08T15:01:23+00:00

If you do the "right" thing you'll end up like me, financially ruined for life.

curtdogg47 · 2026-02-08T14:51:45+00:00

When a woman chooses to leave a man! She is no longer under that man’s care or protection! By all means protect your kids, care for your kids! From this point forward her and all her problems are no longer your concern! And just remember she chose this! She chose to spit in your face, she said no to your love, your care and your connection!

Took me a little bit to understand this, I kept wanting to be there, and care and protect. Getting to a point where I could realize she was no longer my problem to deal with, was so freeing! And actually very healthy for me and us being able to co parent!

initforthellolz · 2026-02-08T14:37:38+00:00

Im in the same boat here. Really rough year before she told me she wants out a couple weeks ago and then quickly moved out leaving me and my 17 year old son at the house. I love her and want to work things out but she is done I guess. I feel so powerless over the situation. I have days of anger with her for giving up and days like today where i am just heartbroken and would do anything to fix it. I am mourning the loss of my best friend, my house, my dogs, the future I thought we had, and the only life I knew for 21 years. It's so hard to even think about moving on.

Intrepid-Scarcity486 · 2026-02-08T14:36:26+00:00

The only thing you need to remember now is YOURE ALWAYS THEIR DAD, you’re not always her partner. Worrry about your children and yourself.

When a woman brings up divorce she’s already checked out. Sorry to say it, But it’s the most common thing to hear and see….

If you have any chance to turn this around you need to SHOW UP FOR YOU, and nobody else can stop the transformation that’s about to occur but YOU! I didn’t realize it either, I thought my life was perfect too. NOPE. It’s not bro, and now is your chance to fix it. God bless you

Outside-Jicama-8468 · 2026-02-08T14:18:58+00:00

The best advice i can give is to take a day alone and really sit and think about the history of your marriage. Look at all the signs you chose to ignore because you were in love. For me, there were many I glazed over because I had the marriage blinders on.

I also have 4 kids, but the way I see it is this. I wasn't in love with her anymore, but in love with the situation we were in. I got to come home to my kids every day. We had some laughs and adventures, but I felt afterwards that those weren't enough to fight for the marriage.

But I told my kids, id glady go through 20 years of it again because I had them.

You are in the early stages of the grieving process. Its gonna get harder. Just remember, you are not alone and we are here for you.

Paddle_Pedal_Puddle · 2026-02-08T13:58:01+00:00

She has moved on and she’s going to do her best to paint this as your fault (both so she doesn’t look like the bad guy for breaking up he family and so she can get more out of you in the divorce).

Your kids need a healthy and stable dad at least as much as a mom. If you financially sacrifice yourself to put their mom in the best position, they won’t have that.

It’s time to stand up for yourself because absolutely no one else will in this situation.

bluephotoshop · 2026-02-08T13:28:40+00:00

You don’t have to fall down on your sword. Preserve some self respect. Consider keeping the house and sharing custody.

Ok-Anything-3605 · 2026-02-08T12:55:51+00:00

It sucks, plain and simple. Four months in. We’ve got 3 kids. I didn’t want it but had no choice. Consider a mediation attorney. Of course I take my accountability, thought it was salvageable, but she was just too far gone from years of unchecked marriage maintenance, mid-life issues, and unresolved childhood trauma. The kids have been resilient, they don’t like it but have accepted that they have no choice. It’s a roller coaster of emotion, but you can do it.

painfulletdown · 2026-02-08T11:52:22+00:00

let me guess... stay at home mom? did she verbatim say she wants everything? if so, you need to file asap and set final hearing date pronto so she cant manufacture plan against you.

Title	How am I supposed to be expected to just give it all up?
Author	Always-tolkein
Upvotes	31
Comments	107
Date	February 8, 2026 11:43 AM UTC (5 months ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1qz6uxi/how_am_i_supposed_to_be_expected_to_just_give_it/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/how-am-i-supposed-to-be-expected-to-just-give-it.1573002 https://theredarchive.com/post/1573002

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