What is your Definition of "Pushing Boundaries"

digitalrorschach · 2026-03-24T13:41:57+00:00

Both.

Fundamentally men are expected to initiate with women by approaching her, asking her on a date, making the first kiss, initiating sex, proposing marriage etc. So naturally there there will be "pushing of boundaries", in both the negative sense and the neutral/positive sense. But when men are using the term, they mean it more in the positive sense.

SomeSugondeseGuy · 2026-03-24T14:26:29+00:00

My definition of pushing boundaries kinda depends. In a sentence, it's:

"Attempting to coerce a person into flexing or ignoring one of their established and communicated boundaries."

Logos1789 · 2026-03-24T16:44:26+00:00

Oh no, another example of women not liking how men obeyed their requests to be polite in a way that strips them of benefits!

Pushing boundaries includes unspoken ones.

chile-pica · 2026-03-24T13:31:03+00:00

I think you got it. After having been told in no uncertain terms that it’s wrong to assume a gal is interested. Period. Never to approach women: at the gym, grocery store, work, school, etc etc. Never to touch someone without explicit consent.

Then yes it feels like pushing boundaries.

brassbuffalo · 2026-03-24T14:11:03+00:00

Going for the first kiss necessitates pushing boundaries, unless you ask for permission first. That's an example of pushing an unspoken boundary. The early stages of a relationship require the man to break a bunch of little boundaries, unless you find a very forward woman or a woman sho tolerates a man constantly asking for permission.

Some women asked on the last post if "pushing boundaries" meant making a move. Sometimes that's the same thing. I had a woman tell me she wasn't ready to have sex, and she'd tell me when ahe was. 1 month later she angrily asked why I hadn't "made a move". In her eyes, me testing her boundaries was the same thing as making a move. It seems to me that some women don't see a differnce between breaking boundaries and making moves. So my question is, what's the difference?

Kingcrow33 · 2026-03-24T13:50:16+00:00

It is the second one. We are all taught basic boundaries as children. Making a move is violating that boundary because it implies that it has not been talked about.

What you are describing is an asshole. Not pushing boundaries.

AutoModerator · 2026-03-24T13:22:47+00:00

Attention!

You can post off topic/jokes/puns as a comment to this Automoderator message.
For "Debate" and "Question for X" Threads: Parent comments that aren't from the target group will be removed, along with their child replies.
If you want to agree with OP instead of challenging their view or if the question is not targeted at you, post it as an answer to this comment.
OP you can choose your own flair according to these guidelines., just press Flair under your post!

Thanks for your cooperation and enjoy the discussion!

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

Creation_Soul · 2026-03-24T13:35:48+00:00

as with everything "it depends".

for me, there isn't always a clear distinction between "testing the waters" and "pushing boundries". For example, when a date went well, I may have tried to go for a kiss at the end. If it went well, nice, if not, maybe next date; this assumes that a discussion about "no kissing" DID NOT happen. For me, such a scenario is part of "testing the waters"

I am of the opinion that there are a lot common sense boundaries, but I think that if not communicated, you can at least try it. If both are reasonable adults, communication of said boundaries is key. For example, my wife and I were on our second date back in college and we were making out outside a dorm and i grabbed her butt; didn't ask her, but the context was right and she didn't complain. If I did the same thing within 5 minutes of our first date, she would have probably complained.

Ok-Ninja-8165 · 2026-03-24T14:46:26+00:00

When boundaries aren't well defined and blurred and you go for something that might be on other side. Like you feel that it might be a good time to kiss and go for it. You might be right or might be wrong. You push and try to find where boundaries are actually located at this moment. In those situations if you try to make it clear in any other way (like asking "Can I kiss you") then you'll be seen as somebody who is indecisive or unable to read the room.

Zabadoodude · 2026-03-24T15:25:21+00:00

I agree, the advice would be better worded as "don't be afraid to push until you hit a boundary" Too many guys shoot themselves in the foot by worrying too much about potentially making a woman feel uncomfortable. But also, if it's obvious she is uncomfortable, you shouldn't continue pushing.

I_DOM_UR_PATRIARCHY · 2026-03-24T16:24:30+00:00

I think there are two related concepts going on here:

First, by definition a boundary is something that has to have been communicated. The purpose of a boundary is to tell other people how to interact with you, but a boundary can't shape the behavior of someone who doesn't know it's there. By their nature, boundaries are expensive - you have to tell someone "don't do this because I am not OK with it," which is uncomfortable. So people tend not to have an explicit boundary for every preference - just the important ones.
Second, even when no boundary has been explicitly communicated, you're still supposed to care about the other person's consent and preferences. To give an actual example that comes up, a lot of younger men try to choke women (I think because porn told them it was a good sex move). Unless a woman has been choked, she might not think to preemptively communicate the boundary "don't put your hands on my neck without permission." But she shouldn't need to because choking someone is something that requires explicit consent, not an explicit "don't do that to me" boundary.

Men who "push" (an inappropriate euphemism) in either context are generally being selfish assholes at a minimum, and predatory rapists at the other end of the spectrum. In both instances the man is disregarding what the other person wants in pursuit of their selfish aims.

In that sense, the disregard of an explicit boundary isn't so much "worse" as it is a context where the badness of the behavior is more visibly apparent. Watching a man disregard an explicit request from a woman not to do something makes it more obvious that he's rapey/a rapist, but a man can be a rapist even in the absence of an explicit request from the woman not to be raped.

Lumpy_Plant6914 · 2026-03-24T17:11:58+00:00

The biggest issue from my perspective isn't the clear cut cases where you are 100% certain you dislike something, and people still try to shove it in your face. When words, tone, facial muscles and body language is in alignment. Those are the clear cut cases of pushing a boundary. The ones that lead to direct conflict, clear communication and/or a temporary/permanent falling out.

It is when there isn't much alignment, that the issues crop up. For me at least, "boundary pushing" started in kindergarten with other boys. Pushing, showing, competing, cooperating, fighting, squaring up, playing and 'pushing boundaries': "A: Come ON, join" - "B: Nah, I don't wanna!" - "A: Come on, just one time" - "B: No, I don't want to" - "A: Come on!!"

The reason this goes back and forth is that both parties are trying to figure out and manage their needs. There is no Bad person in this, just two boys figuring things out.
And the Result of this back and forth, isn't fatigue, sadness, fear or angst to be social with this person ever again. Neither is it obvious that the initial No, ends up being a no in the end. There is 'uncertainty', and only by "pushing for Clarity" can you figure out more about what you really want. This goes for both parties.

The instance above can just as well end with person B joining, and being "Well, this was fine after all" as not joining and being "Glad I said no". It can also be that person B joins, and regret it and leave, or don't say yes next time - or you don't go, and regret not going. Person A can learn that pushing can lead to a good outcome, for both themselves and others, and sometimes that pushing is a lot of work, and person B isn't happy, and so they learn more about their own inner feelings.

I did this a lot growing up, though with my partner, I've come to realize she never did this. Never play-fought, didn't "push for clarity" and generally isn't comfortable expressing things bluntly. Not only was I taught, through play, that doing this is Fine, but it is helpful, safe and respectful, useful, cooperative, friendly, supportive and being a team-player. It is usually okay to ask "why" when a guy says "no", IF you don't scoff at the answer. You can also discuss options and find solutions, together. Or they will give you a better option themselves, and you focus your energy there.

When I 'prod', which from my perspective is respectful and neutral, when my partner then reacts 'defensively or disconnects' - I thought they were self-connection, not shutting down. And when she still seemed confused, I prodded more directly, to help facilitate more clarity and insight.

With that background, I can't help but think that men and women might have dissimilar experience (generalizing) when it comes to boundaries.

The default for me, as a man, was to want my partner to communicate "directly" and "clearly". Though when she came up 'blank' time and time again, I used the methods from my childhood. This has helped her tremendously in coming in contact with Hard boundaries - and she is grateful and respectful when it comes to me having had to receive so much angry push-back from her, when I was trying to help her regain safety, trust, strength and clarity in herself. Which is the 'parenting' part that I see as completely normal in relationships. One party is oftentimes much, much more skilled at something than the other, to the point of a parent to child relationship. Which is completely fine. Though the goal isn't to cement this dynamic, but for both parties to support each other to grow up, mature and feel, act and be more free, competent and secure.

This goes both ways. I am endlessly grateful for her patience and support with my inner pain, suffering and lack of emotional competence. She has 'pushed my boundaries' multiple times, and I am incredibly glad that she did. Such a gift!

Sidenote: Only 'trick' I know with men, is that it is often easier not to look at what they do, but to ask Why (their intent) they do what they do. They might not know, but you might be able to understand a lot more from How they answer the question, than from the action itself.

AutisticRats · 2026-03-24T21:19:20+00:00

Any physical contact that hasn't been done before is a boundary. Even for a first hug I'll ask. Also, I'll debrief at a later time about any physical contact to check in on the other person's feelings on it. Just because I got the green light for a first kiss doesn't mean they always want one. I'll ask to find out how they felt about it, since maybe they didn't like how I kissed, or maybe they don't like it in certain contexts, like right after a meal, or maybe they don't ever want to do that again. As for anything sexual, that always requires consent. It is possible to get consent in advance for some things. Like in a past relationship, I gave consent for the other person to do whatever they wanted with me when I am asleep as long as it won't cause injury and they are willing to clean any mess. Every once in a while I would wake up in the middle of my ex riding on top of me. If I hadn't given prior consent, that would have crossed a boundary.

I think people just don't use their words enough, and that is what causes all the issues with boundaries.

Neverending_Danding · 2026-03-25T10:47:43+00:00

I do consider any move to be pushing boundaries. Obviously pushing those, that were voiced and stated is immensely worse.

As men are expected to initiate every single step of a relationship, we are also expected to push some boundaries, and sometimes even cross them (which, of course, depends on the broader context).

There are societal boundaries, that are either voiced as generalized statements, or were voiced long time ago and we still are supposed to hold to them (for example touching - it's obvious one should not touch people without their permission. I don't need to ask random woman on bus, if she would like it or not). There are also new boundaries being stated, like for example infamous "men shouldn't approach women at all". You may like it, or not; you may think it's "just some loud voices on tik tok", but the fact is more and more women are voicing this on-air. And, as such, it became another general boundary. So any man, approaching a woman, is pushing this boundary.

Repulsive_Hunt_9897 · 2026-03-27T19:47:45+00:00

It's honestly hard to decide upon, let alone maintain healthy boundaries in relationships when it comes to smaller issues.

I'm like "don't nag or try to fix or change me, I don't like that" but is that realistic, given female nature? Almost no man I ever talked to has ever been like "my wife never nags me". Nagging is considered to just happen whether you want it to or not, part of female nature etc.

How many things in life are like that? Where you can tell your partner not to do it but maybe that's not a realistic take.

Maybe a woman wants a man to not put unmatched socks in the sock drawer but that's the way he's always done it for 30 years with no issues prior to her existing in his life... is it realistic to expect him to change overnight? Is that a healthy boundary?

Some boundaries are clear. You should never pressure your partner for sex or push past their no. You should never name call or insult or demean or abuse your partner especially if they call it out and ask you to stop.

But the vast majority of conflicts in relationship are much more gray. When there is no obvious moral correct choice, whose boundary prevails? When the issue who is small, who ends up caving more than not? These are the real bread and butter issues that lead to a relationship's success or failure.

The truth is you rarely want it to have to come to boundaries. You want to be mostly aligned and on the same page, not having to carefully navigate all the "shit I would normally do but my partner doesn't like it" all the fucking time. It gets exhausting.

I sometimes question the "boundaries" concept and how it has become so popular in relationship culture. I sometimes think what is under the boundaries is just a big power struggle, like what exists in most relationships, only for most relationships it eventually gets settled I guess and people become comfortable with the status quo. But maybe in a bad relationships you always have to keep discussing, creating, finding new boundaries all the time because you just don't fundamentally agree with each other on most topics.

Maybe in a good relationship you're less prickly and more giving and generous and accepting of each other's differences and not so thoroughly enmeshed that everything you do effects or bothers them somehow and there's less of an overall need for boundaries, even.

N_Count_Council · 2026-03-24T13:31:29+00:00

This is a super common one: women will entertain multiple men at once and be like "well we weren't exclusive 🤷‍♀️" while seeking a long term relationship.

Yall know what you're doing

wtknight · 2026-03-24T13:34:51+00:00

I think that there are some established “social boundaries” that could be considered pushing boundaries. If a man approaches a woman in a grocery store, then it’s probably “pushing boundaries”. If he approaches her alone while she is with a group of her friends, then that is likely pushing boundaries. This is why it’s important in places like bars or clubs for a man to be with a wing man (if she is with one friend), or with a group of men if she is with a group of friends. Then it becomes much more socially acceptable to approach.

Pushing established boundaries in a relationship is an entirely different and more serious category of pushing boundaries, but I still think that pushing a social boundary or a “standard relationship behavior” boundary amounts to pushing a boundary.

mobjack · 2026-03-24T13:55:30+00:00

If a woman says she normally doesn't have sex on the first date, I see it as a challenge to turn her on enough for her to change her mind.

Title	What is your Definition of "Pushing Boundaries"
Author	pie-mart
Upvotes	11
Comments	69
Date	March 24, 2026 1:22 PM UTC (3 months ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1s2dn0x/what_is_your_definition_of_pushing_boundaries/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/what-is-your-definition-of-pushing-boundaries.1576308 https://theredarchive.com/post/1576308

Comments