Marriage and kids are two very valid dealbreakers

GradualDecomp · 2018-12-21T18:18:19+00:00

I had to end my engagement over this issue. The kids thing came up pretty early. He wanted them, I was on the fence. We negotiated to the compromise that we would apply to be foster parents, something we both wanted to do, and would keep biological kids as a "maybe" for the future. As the wedding approached, he had to confront his truth that biological kids were important to him. Thus created the crisis of him wanting to marry me, but not being willing to compromise on having children. I'm very grateful that he was able to be honest with himself and me, undoubtedly saving both of us a lot of future heartache. I ended the engagement on these grounds. It was devastating for both of us, but it was the right decision. He is now engaged to a lovely woman and has an 18 month old daughter with her. I found a partner who shares my desire of remaining bio child free and who wants to foster at some point.

PuleaSpataru69 · 2018-12-21T14:41:37+00:00

It baffles my mind when I see people who are married and one wants kids and the other doesnt. Like..why the hell didnt you discuss this on the first date? But people care more about superficial things and liking the same music rather than fundamental deal breakers.

Uncommon_Sensed_1234 · 2018-12-21T14:44:06+00:00

I never wanted kids but wanted marriage. It was very disheartening to hear from a trusted adult as a kid that I would never find a man.

So, I brought this up early with any guys dating me. One guy wanted five kids. Next. But I held to my choice to be child-free and found a guy who thought the same. Married and child-free.

Unconfidence · 2018-12-21T15:10:02+00:00

The thing is, RedPill ideology can't deal with this kind of thinking, because it assumes there is in fact more than one way to be truly happy, and that the happiness of people who find their way to contentment through something other than RP ideology is inherently hollow. "A man who doesn't want to procreate is defective, as is a woman who doesn't want to bear children." It's really tough to argue with positions based on self-superiority and devaluation of others, because they don't tend to be very well-justified, almost ever really. Hierarchies reinforce themselves through dogma, not rationale.

When they think it's only a matter of having a six pack and a big dick to make a woman turn from childfree and marriagefree into a happily wedded mom, it's going to be tough to convince them to exclude such people from their "net", so to speak. It's a fundamentally ethically bankrupt ideology based on the unfounded idea of constant mutual predation, which is purely a paranoia fostered through toxic gender roles.

Electra_Cute · 2018-12-21T14:31:52+00:00

I don't think this should even be a discussion! it's a question of exercising Free Will.

Nobody should force anyone else - against their will - to have kids or not to have kids, to get married or not to get married.

To an extent, kids and married require that little thing called, you know, consent?

And, to take things one step further, these are major life decisions, and therefore both parties should think long and hard before making a decision one way or another.

[deleted] · 2018-12-21T21:17:28+00:00

One thing I vehemently disagree with RP on (as someone who has submitted content there for a while) is to LTR women who aren't into marriage. Yes, marriage is a bad deal for many men and you lose a lot of power in it.

But no woman of quality will date you if you have no intent of marriage. To do so would be to lack all complete self respect and no decent tier woman will do that

sadomasochrist · 2018-12-21T15:06:24+00:00

Everyone thinks they're child free when they're 18.

CrestfallenWolf · 2018-12-21T18:11:20+00:00

Add sex onto that list and I completely agree with you. I've never seen it as narrowing my options though. If you want marriage or kids or sex once a year we can be great friends but you were never an option to date.

whichbladeN · 2018-12-21T14:55:00+00:00

People change.

Someone who didn't want kids at 18 might start to desire one when they enter a different stage of life.

Aaren_Augustine · 2018-12-21T17:44:34+00:00

The problem with these dealbreakers is they often change.

I didn't want to have more than two. Hell, I didn't even want any kids before I got married. And After one I couldn't imagine my life without children.

But on the topic of the third kid it was a hard no for me, but I know my wife wouldn't let it go. And I know I didn't want to be the guy who stopped her from having a full human experience.

Our youngest turns three today.

There are a billion reasons to next someone. But I'll tell you if you start talking about deal breakers you get a VERY clear picture of someone's mindset. That's the real important 'mechanism' to a good marriage, relationship, life.

Because at the end of the day, oops happens, people die, life changes drastically at a moments notice and you want to know what people are made of and when or what point your significant other will stop having your back.

tldr its not the dealbreakers, it's what they mean at a 'interpersonal' level.

exit_sandman · 2018-12-21T15:34:32+00:00

Everything and nothing is a dealbreaker.

That said, I'd argue that marriage would be something that's a lot more negotiable than children.

To illustrate, a simple question: if you could opt for only one thing, would you rather compromise on your stance regarding children or on your stance regarding marriage?

Electra_Cute · 2018-12-21T14:55:04+00:00

soulmates don’t exist

Kind of curious why you think "soulmates" do not exist.

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[deleted] · 2018-12-21T19:38:01+00:00

It means that they are not your perfect person.

Almost nobody is. You're looking for someone who's good enough and has promise, not a perfect person.

Semblance of Perfection is a facade almost every time. And it's doubled by oxytocin and a bunch of other chemicals.

Child free and anti marriage people need to find other child free and anti marriage people. Not whine about how people who want marriage want to get married.

Don't mock men just because they want short / mid-term NSA flings. If most men could leave a woman once her bad points exceed her good ones, they would. And why not given women are allowed the same freedom socially and legally?

Also, single moms should try to find men who are okay with them instead of badmouthing the men they who don't want to date them or help them raise their kids.

abaxeron · 2018-12-21T22:29:39+00:00

It’s perfectly valid to not want to be with someone if they don’t want these things and you do.

Absolutely; same as it's perfectly valid to pump and dump each other for fun in these conditions. Thus, "marriage and kids are two very valid dealbreakers" for situations that imply marriage and kids. Fuckbuddying isn't one of them.

JezebeltheQueen5656 · 2018-12-28T11:46:29+00:00

yep, all of this. had to ditch people, friends and lovers alike, for this very reason.

maljo24 · 2018-12-21T16:27:03+00:00

Married to my soul mate for 20 years.

Million-Suns · 2018-12-21T21:18:23+00:00

Child free and anti marriage people need to find other child free and anti marriage people

Or not, if the one they love is neither childfree or is pro marriage. It's better to stay alone then, rather than pick some substitute that will never compete. In the end both suffer, and the children will too.

Yes you had your marriage, yes you had your babies, but not with the one you really wanted to. With someone that was okay with that. That's even worse than a compromise, that's a cope out. Recipe to disaster and ephemeral and unsatisfying marriage which will very likely end up in a announced divorce.

The argument saying that marriage and babies are not a valid deal breaker makes sense if you value them over anything else, including the attachment to your partner. A partner that you can substitute that easily is not someone you are really attached to, no matter how you slice it.

But honestly I feel every dealbreaker is valid. Just don't pretend you were attached to them or that you loved them if those two are your dealbreakers.

Title	Marriage and kids are two very valid dealbreakers
Author	azngirl7689
Upvotes	91
Comments	208
Date	December 21, 2018 2:25 PM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/a8agmc/marriage_and_kids_are_two_very_valid_dealbreakers/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/marriage-and-kids-are-two-very-valid-dealbreakers.258427 https://theredarchive.com/post/258427

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