When I'm married will I eventually lose attraction for my wife?

Gravel_Roads · 2018-10-15T12:13:13+00:00

(male, bi, no pill)

Emotions are not static. They're affected by every day life, and like any form of stimulation, lack of diversity can eventually cause our brains to become inured and numb to it after long periods.

It's possible to stay in love with someone for a long time. I've been with my partner for 15 years (and have known them for 20). During that time, there were periods where I was more in to them, and times I was less into them, and vice versa. But because we're both patient, reasonable people, we've found that variety, self-honesty and faith tend to allow love to remain.

Imagine annual flowers - they don't always bloom all year long, but if you take care of them, they will bloom reliably every year.

You just need to have the maturity of asking yourself "Am I dissatisfied with this relationship, or am I just saturated on it, and in need of other stimulation to reset me?"

This is why RP (and any sane BPer) both endorse "keeping something for yourself" - a mission, hobbies, friends, goals outside of relationships, activities that you enjoy. Having other things in your life keeps you from saturating on a single person in your life (or worse, becoming dependent on them to maintain your emotional state). Abundance mentality works for mental stimulation, too - if you feel bored with your partner, it doesn't necessarily mean the spark is gone. But you'll sure lose it if it's the only light in your life and is never allowed to dwindle or gutter.

DOSGAMES · 2018-10-15T11:54:51+00:00

In my experience, the slowdown of sex in a committed relationship is pretty universal and unavoidable.

My last relationship ended with a dead bedroom and though my attraction to my girlfriend went down, that wasn’t the main driver.

I was just trying to be an adult and told myself I would never grovel or beg for sex. Instead I tried to work on myself, be romantic, and rebuild the mood/fire we once had.

It didn’t work, I was a dead man walking. The relationship ended shortly after.

I’m still optimistic that I can make a monogamous lifelong relationship work. I just got to find the right girl for me.

CaptJohnLukeDiscard · 2018-10-15T14:11:04+00:00

15th wedding anniversary is coming up. Had the best sex of our entire marriage about a week ago.

Staying fit is huge. Lifting is very important for both men and women.

I know plenty of guys that stay married and stay attracted to their wives that are much older than me. So I would say it is possible but you have to work for it.

ATastefulNude · 2018-10-15T16:38:03+00:00

Relationships constantly change. Seven years in, there are days I can't keep my hands off my boyfriend, waxing poetic how wonderful he is. There are also days when I literally want to punch him in his face and move out.

People often make the mistake of believing longterm love is something you feel, when it is in reality something you do. It requires daily choices, actions, and willingness to power through the rough spots together. Truly, the really good stuff is just on the other side of the shitty drudge work that love requires.

As long as both partners are willing to do the work and roll with the changes, attraction needn't die.

peacockpartypants · 2018-10-15T13:13:41+00:00

I see men in their 50s and 60s all the time cheating on their wives with young women my age (I'm 22)

No you don't. You probably see 60-somethings buying prostitutes. No mentally sane girl in her early 20s is willing to fuck a grandpa. Sorry, that's a fantasy. That's not real.

KayLove05 · 2018-10-15T12:23:20+00:00

This is a thing to ponder isn't it? Who will be able to tell?? I don't know... Sex does go down in most relationships it seems. Having kids definitely fucks with that!!! But I think if you find the right match for you you can stay attracted to her and have a great sex life into old age. It's all about sexual chemistry. You have to have that or sex will go down the drain like the other poster said. And it's so hard to even know if a woman will have the same sexual attraction for you years down the line because it seems these days women have such a hard time even understanding their own bodies. I feel that sexual attraction is different for women and men. I don't think most women even know on a deep level what makes them sexually attracted to somebody. It's like biological or some shit... Where as men can just look at a women and know if they're sexually attracted to the person.

In my opinion sex is one of the most important things in a relationship. I'm guessing you've never had a dead bedroom and that's good. A lot of people don't seem to want to believe this but if you've ever been there or had sex compatibility problems with a partner then you will know that sex is very important. It's the glue that holds 2 people together. So I suggest when looking for a partner you don't get with anyone who doesn't like sex as much as you or seems to have problems with it. Compatibility when it comes to sex is very important. But for a lasting relationship sex has to be a priority. So imo this is the number one thing to look for. Not the typical "we like the same music and have the same hobbies" bs. That's great but if sex isn't on point those things will not keep you together.

Having a enthusiastic and adventurous partner will most definitely help to keep you attracted to her. But I guess you can never really know who the person you get with will change into over the years. I guess what I'm saying is you can never really know if you will still be attracted to your partner years down the line but doing your best to find the right partner and making sex a priority always helps lol. Do not settle. You don't sound like a settling man hahaha so that's good. It's good to try to figure this stuff out and get some insight before jumping into a relationship...

yasee · 2018-10-15T12:50:26+00:00

In my experience romance and sex in an LTR wax and wane in response to myriad factors both internal and external to the relationship. Ideally the emotional connection you build together will keep you both engaged when your physical connection is in a downswing so you can give it a chance to re-ignite. Plus the novelty factor is not entirely out of your control; go on dates, take trips, surprise each other with gifts, do weird stuff together. And talk!

I think too on a certain level that it's not really worth worrying about these things now :) as easy as that is to say. Find someone you really like and just try it, because there's no way to predict how feelings will change (or not change) over the course of a relationship; that's why they're scary

squidracer · 2018-10-15T12:57:33+00:00

Of course. Relationships are more about comfort then attraction

Uncommon_Sense_12345 · 2018-10-15T12:19:21+00:00

Marriage is dead and over-hyped. The proponents will talk about tax benefits, but really no one should get into a legal contract such as marriage for some measly tax benefits.

Spouses do seem to get preferential consideration when their spouses are sick by the medical community but this can easily be achieved by a Healthcare Power of Attorney. End of life matters can be handled by a Living Will. Your estate after death can be distributed by a Last Will. So you can secure and make preparations for life's big events without marriage.

Okay now on to your question about attraction. A man's testosterone lowers when in a monogamous LTR, not all but it is common. A woman's sex drive has been shown to be lowered by monogamy as well. So if you are marrying for that awesome premarital sex, then don't.

Many married people do have bedroom problems and both sexes get bored. All the spice in the world won't cure this for a person who cannot handle monogamy.

There is some research showing that monogamous tendencies may be in your genes because there is such a variance between those who cheat. The ugly, the average, the good looking all cheat. Getting away from TRP for a moment, plenty of average married men and women cheat within their looks category.

Only you know your natural sex drive and how you behave in a committed relationship. This can only be answered by you.

You are very young and there is plenty of time. If you feel that you want marriage, wait until you are older then get a woman ten years younger.

wekacuck · 2018-10-15T12:50:16+00:00

I've only been married 15 years/together 19 (and I don't consider that long) but I haven't yet. The nature of our relationship and how I view my wife has changed significantly a few times. For me it's very much more a function of my mindset and the state of our relationship. But even at the darkest and angriest I still was attracted to my wife.

Sure, anything repetitive can get boring for both of you, particularly if you demand to measure things in terms of novelty. My opinion is that novelty is just one component of the bigger picture and if that is not working for the moment I can choose to focus on other aspects of my attraction to her.

So I find ways to keep it satisfying, but the satisfaction I need changes. And for me a lot of that involves being mindful and aware of what's bothering me or threatening our bond and being willing to care for the bond first. That can sound sad and deflating if you want it to, and to be honest I probably would have thought so too ten years or so ago... but it's not at all. I actually have no idea how to explain my current views on this to ten-years-ago me to be honest.

concacanca · 2018-10-15T13:06:14+00:00

Look man, you are being a bit pessimistic about all this.

In truth your wife goggles are going to help maintain attraction for the woman you love long after most other men stop turning their head as she passes in the street. All you really have to do to keep this up IME is to keep dating, having fun and having a fulfilling sex life. That last one is basically why we are all here haha. It's not really any wonder to me that a lot of the MRP crowd have had the goggles destroyed after a DB only to be left with some harpy of a co-parent.

Women don't really help themselves tbh. A lot of mothers seem to take an inordinate amount of time to get out of mom mode, by which time the husband has checked out.

raquille- · 2018-10-15T16:10:59+00:00

You need to grow up my man but yeah of course at 22 all you care about is shagging so spending your whole life with one person sounds daunting.

As you grow older you will release that the shot you thought was important at 22 is child’s play at 32.

Bruce Lee said: Love is like a friendship caught on fire. In the beginning a flame, very pretty, often hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering. As love grows older, our hearts mature and our love becomes as coals, deep-burning and unquenchable.

Wise Words from a great man.

TheGreasyPole · 2018-10-15T14:36:45+00:00

Do you eventually lose attraction for your wife?

No, not in my experience.

Does the urge to commit adultery grow or lessen as you gain familiarity with a person?

Again, IME, it lessens but it was never high for me at all in any case.

Does it actually get boring sleeping with only one person over and over or is that just in the movies?

Yes, if you get into a rut this can definitely happen. It can be avoided by not getting in that rut, but this doesn’t come automatically as it may do with a new girl.

If/when all the romance is lost to the point where no longer even sleep with each other, what do you do with yourself? Just jerk off?

Divorce ? I dunno. Never got here and we’ve been sleeping with each other for about 17 years now.

Is it any different in a homosexual relationship?

Wouldn’t know. Ask Buartha.

In addition to your questions, I will say that the mechanisms for finding a mate and staying with a mate are different in humans. We’re a pair bonding species due to the long raising time of human children.

Different hormones and processes take over, so it’s unlikely you’ll feel the same way about a long term mate as you would when selecting a new one.

I’d say your fears of her “aging out of your range” probably won’t come to pass due to this as long as when you get together she’s well within your range. RP calls this phenomena “wife goggles”.

If you’re “only attracted to 20-25 yo”.... then as long as you get together when she’s (say) 24 and continue having sex the whole time, she’ll STILL appear as attractive to you at 34 as she did at 24.

I don’t know if this holds at really high ages (post menopause) because we haven’t got there yet. But, again IME, this certainly holds through the 30s and I’m expecting it to hold through the 40s and probably beyond too.

Atlas_B_Shruggin · 2018-10-15T15:05:27+00:00

Yes you will

LewisCross · 2018-10-15T13:13:33+00:00

No, your wife will eventually lose attraction for you. That's why you need to make sure she is so attracted to you she can't see straight when you get married, so that when it slides later, there's still enough to get you through the tough times when they come. Because they WILL come, and you'll need those good memories and high attraction levels to get you through without her divorce raping you and removing your wallet through your ass.

MrPoochPants · 2018-10-15T18:39:59+00:00

If it's any consolation, as I've gotten older, I find comparatively older women more attractive, and the younger 18 to 20-something women to be... a comparative headache.

In your case, you're 22, so most of the women around your age are trying to party, have fun, go to bars, drink, etc.

Well, think about the conversations you have with those sort of women. Now let's hypothetically say that you're able to date someone that's 16 (without it being weird). What sort of conversations do you think you'll have with them, in comparison? Probably stuff that you'd find far more vacuous, right? Maybe laughing about far more immature stuff?

Now, transpose that onto the age range you're currently talking about. In 10 years, when you're talking with another set of 22 year olds, they're still going to be talking about wanting to get drunk, and party, and go to bars, etc. Your interests, what you value, will likely have changed - to some degree - by then.

Getting married, though, means that those interests, those values, have an opportunity to grow, but with your wife.

So, in short... right now, 22 year old women sound great. In about 10 years, late twenty/early-thirty year old women will be far more relatable, and those 22 year old women, constantly talking about 'getting fucked up this weekend' will be far more obnoxious and immature - just like a 16 year old complaining about their parents, or something.

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Nodoxxintoxin · 2018-10-15T13:36:08+00:00

Do you eventually lose attraction for your spouse? Yes, it comes and goes, but will never be as strong as it was the first few years.

Does the urge to commit adultery grow or lessen as you gain familiarity with a person? It depends on how emotionally mature you are, how sexually active your marriage is, and how happily married you are. The more you care about your spouse and being married in general, I think the less likely you are to want to cheat. The risk of losing someone you love outweighs the desire for strange.

Does it actually get boring sleeping with only one person over and over or is that just in the movies? Sometimes. My husband and I are very physical, both love to cuddle. Sex is never boring because we are both touchy people, but every relationship I have had the excitement of sex wears off over time.

If/when all the romance is lost to the point where no longer even sleep with each other, what do you do with yourself? Just jerk off? Openly discuss this and promise at least some maintenance sex. Keep being lovers even when you go through periods where you don’t feel like it. STAY SEXUAL OUTSIDE OF THE BEDROOM. Make a habit of a good, passionate kiss as you leave the house.

My advice is to not get married too young. I agree with uncommon, marry someone younger. Ten years is statistically a risky gap unless you wait until you are 40, but somewhat younger usually works out well. By the time she is going thru menopause, your sex drive will have also decreased.

Every marriage is a trade off. The new relationship tingles are incredible, new lovers are exciting. But raising kids in a stable two family household is rewarding and growing old together is truly a gift.

Jrobalmighty · 2018-10-15T14:18:51+00:00

Sexual attraction is to ensure survival of the species. It's different from our need for LTR to be successful in society.

I think it's mostly just hard to feel like you really want a milkshake when you make them all day everyday for years on end.

We need to recognize this so we can get past it and focus on the purpose of the relationship.

I have no clue about how to do that but that's the direction I've been leaning recently. Find a best friend and try to keep things interesting.

Absolutely no LTR for me until I can meet the first requirement.

MercedesBenzoAMG · 2018-10-15T19:09:37+00:00

Eventually that raw sexual attraction will most likely fade as you get older yeah. As has been said by those more experienced than me many times on this sub, love becomes work when it's in an LTR and especially a marriage.

My dad keeps trying to convince me to get married, and he told me something along the lines of "as you get older you stop caring about superficial stuff like sex and care more about deeper stuff like making her feel safe and provided for."

Going off memory but that's more or less what his exact words were. It stuck with me because that was his attempt at trying to sell the idea of marriage to me haha.

Basically he was encouraging me to just be a good beta and from what he said I can pretty much safely assume my parents don't have much of a sex life anymore and he's rationalised that as being unsuperficial. Kinda feel bad for him but hey not my problem really is it?

There's also the fact that as a woman, when you have kids your sex drive takes a big hit. The women on here have said this many times. It's understandable of course, considering how pregnancy works, but assuming you get married to have a family kids will be a huge cockblock as well. Not just the physical effects after pregnancy but also the fact neither of you will get any sleep and will both be stressed out taking care of the things. Sleep deprivation and stress don't exactly make you feel sexual.

So yeah I'd expect the sex to go down over time in a marriage. There will be some exceptions, but in general marriages become more about comfort than sexual attraction.

There may be some ways to avoid this, e.g. as others have mentioned staying fit. A lot will be down to pure luck too, e.g. you can't really know for sure how your wife will act with you 20 years down the line, not everything is within your control and people change.

KikiYuyu · 2018-10-15T19:22:56+00:00

Hopefully you'll have found other reasons to like her by the time she's middle aged.

Purple5091 · 2018-10-15T19:32:43+00:00

if you want to cheat when you get older just make sure you have money because younger women usually go for older men for economical/financial benefits ..so even if you get older,and aren't attracted to your wife,better know that even those younger women aren't attracted to you but will pretend to be,for your money.i even pretend this (am in my 20s)

smokecheck1976 · 2018-10-16T12:16:53+00:00

Well, it's kind of like having a bowl of red m&ms. Eventually, you just want a blue m&m, even though you know it's basically the same as the red m&ms. (That is a joke, btw)

More seriously, I married at 21 years old. It's pretty natural for men to be attracted to women between 18 and 30, but that's only half the story. I was just attracted to my ex-wife at 36 as I was at 21.

The thing most people don't understand about love is this, love is not, and never has been a feeling. Love is a choice that is followed by action and that must be renewed every day. It is easy on the days that you "feel" in love and you feel loved in return. It is on the days that you don't feel it and you don't feel it is reciprocated that it becomes hard, and those are the days when you must especially do that.

She lost all interest in sex. That did eventually lead to me having an affair that she never knew about. I don't excuse my choices, they were wrong. The affair was almost an accident, and the start was completely innocent.

Sexual intercourse is the water that sustains the life of a relationship. Just like a plant needs water, a relationship deprived of sex will eventually die.

InformalCriticism · 2018-10-16T14:10:45+00:00

Everyone's libido is going to be different, but even gynecologists say there's no difference between their patient's vajs and the vajays they see in their bedrooms. You just have to keep it together, and some people just can't keep it together.

Basically, if you have a healthy libido, eventually - time being the only sufficient variable - your LTR/wife will be hot enough to go down on for the 3,000th time barring some horrible tragedy/massive weight gain.

Pastelitomaracucho · 2018-10-17T19:55:31+00:00

You may lose it and you may regain it.

IRunYourRiver · 2018-10-15T12:22:06+00:00

You'll have your ups and downs like the rest of us. Remembering that you can't stop "dating" your wife even after you're married is your best bet.

As far as attraction, mine has always kept up with my age. The universe of women you find attractive grows as you age.

SeemedGood · 2018-10-15T13:49:14+00:00

Not if you actually love her.

She, almost surely, will lose attraction for you though.

Kittennoodle · 2018-10-15T18:11:48+00:00

It seems likely that husbands go through periods of finding their wives unattractive. My husband was repulsed by me being pregnant. Can't help those things and I couldn't blame him for it. It's been 3 weeks since I gave birth and what's more important now in my mind is that we reestablish a sex life. We can't resume the lifestyle we had before kids. I feel pretty intimidated by sex right now, but that's because I've gone so long and I no longer feel 'sexy'.

Right now, we're kind of floundering around trying to figure things out. I don't want to see us in separate beds, etc. How do you keep that spark going? I think it's silly to think you'll be infatuated with the same person forever. Some days I think I'm way more into him still than he his with me, but maybe I can have enough for the both of us? I want to be the most attractive to him that I can be.

A bonus: He has reassured me before that wife goggles are real.

Willow-girl · 2018-10-15T18:29:26+00:00

Wife goggles -- getcha some.

Omelas74 · 2018-10-15T20:02:26+00:00

My experience has been the opposite in all of my long term relationships, but I was also just lucky in that none of them ever hit the wall until the relationship had ended. So my opinion is that if you are attracted to her, like really into her physically which you should be, don't settle, and she doesn't let herself go, you will be more attracted to her as time goes by, not less. There are a few girls who let themselves go years after we broke up and I would think, thank gawd I got out of that, but the ones who stayed in shape I am as sexually attracted to as when they were young.

SJActionNetwork · 2018-10-15T15:50:10+00:00

This is a tough one bro.

I totally know where you are coming from.

When I was younger (17-22), I could usually land a really attractive girlfriend. As you get older, the women you can get slowly start getting less attractive (unless you start making $150k+ per year).

Hopefully your looks stay with you, and you keep in shape despite a slowing metabolism.

If you snag “the right one” early enough, you have a chance to stay with her, have her stay in shape, and be faithful to you. They are out there, but are like unicorns these days. Most women in their 20s want to ride the cock carousel, chasing something better (hypergamy), until they hit a wall looks-wise and realize they better settle down asap.

Just follow your heart bro. Also try to lay off the porn as much as possible.

I can tell you from my experience, if you get older and don’t have much success with dating more attractive women (you are not super attractive anymore / not rich), eventually you may get so lonely that you’re willing to compromise your standards. That, or, I’ve seen it happen to many guys .. you just end up alone for what seems like it could be the rest of your life.

Godspeed, son.

Title	When I'm married will I eventually lose attraction for my wife?
Author	Aeiexgjhyoun_III
Upvotes	21
Comments	126
Date	October 15, 2018 11:43 AM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/9obx6d/when_im_married_will_i_eventually_lose_attraction/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/when-im-married-will-i-eventually-lose-attraction.259449 https://theredarchive.com/post/259449

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