Dear ladies who love too much: You MUST protect yourselves

redyspagedy · 2020-12-29T22:38:51+00:00

Yes PLEASE read about codependency!!! A great book is “codependency no more”

We have been bamboozled by our friends, enemies, mothers, fathers, sisters, and brothers to be the “everyone to anyone”.

It will bleed you dry until you have nothing left.

Struggleis4real · 2020-12-29T23:32:17+00:00

There is a great book “Women Who Love Too Much” that can be useful reading.

When I’m around men, I like to ask myself, “What would an asshole do?” What I consider asshole behavior is mild to being taken advantage of.

threedotlove · 2020-12-29T23:20:34+00:00

I did everything for my ex. I gave him the world & when I needed his love & understanding he walked away from me. Now I shower myself & my dog in love & I have never been happier.

Altowhovian93 · 2020-12-30T03:16:28+00:00

The most important take away from this is: NO UNRECIPROCATED EMOTIONAL LABOR!!!!

I love that you wrote, If you have a lot of love to give, give it to friends, pets, and volunteering.

I will note on helping professions: they are all about unreciprocated emotional labor and you will get burnt out unless you have firm boundaries. Better to put that on a pet than your job!

Fun_Sherbet · 2020-12-30T01:02:16+00:00

Don't fall into the mental trap of thinking that loving him more will make him a better partner! No no no! That man doesn't need more of your precious love!

Real-Current · 2020-12-29T22:43:10+00:00

Wonderful post OP, thank you for the reminder.

I’d like to add that for the folks who want to take a deep dive in understanding this tendency I recommend exploring Attachment Theory. You can do this either online (I don’t recommend Reddit’s AT sub though) or with their own therapist. Attachment Theory is one of the most heavily studied bodies of research within psychology and really helped give me context, understanding and most importantly, empathy towards myself for why I made poor choices in partners, repeatedly. Definitely recommend!

And everything in this post is on point, thank you.

NotYourBizThrowAway · 2020-12-30T02:48:34+00:00

I’ve learned through FDS that not everyone deserves your energy. My ex depleted my energy because I gave and gave and gave. I have not cooked for a man since then - unless you count heating up leftovers 🤣 in fact, one guy I’m seeing even took out MY trash. Save your energy for those who show you they deserve to have access to you 👑

jjlew922 · 2020-12-29T22:35:07+00:00

The #1 is self love. Give yourself the compassion you give to others is my motto. I would say instead of finding a pet or volunteer work, learn to sit and LOVE who you are is first and foremost... your whole body, mind, soul, and spirit. All of it. Many of us have learned to forgo our needs/wants/desires and until we’re solid in our identity, in vulnerability, we’ll continue to give to other areas as a scapegoat to what we really need = self love. Forgive yourself for past mistakes. The only person who can save you is you. Every woman on this sub deserves that and more ❤️.

i_said_what_i_said_ · 2020-12-30T00:36:54+00:00

I have a good friend who does this, she gives so much to men and gets upset when they don’t give back. Predictably, they take take take.

I’m going to suggest numbers 3 & 4 on the list to her as this may help!

pinkcloudzzz · 2020-12-29T23:03:19+00:00

Working in human rights law is also a great option! Non-profits too

Lemon_bars_addiction · 2020-12-29T22:25:37+00:00

This made me tear up as it rings so true for me. Thank you xx

Icchy24 · 2020-12-30T03:10:41+00:00

Its funny cause pre-FDS even though as a nurse, I still had so much love and energy to give to undeserving men. 😅😅😅

I'm putting a lot of that love into myself and my friends now

2020-12-30T08:50:05+00:00

Women who give too much aren't trained to be receptive to love so they unconsciously choose men who are incapable of giving it. Different sides of the same coin.

fierce_and_mighty · 2020-12-30T00:01:44+00:00

Thank you so much for sharing this. I will show my mother who just got out of a very abusive relationship at the beginning of the year. Here’s to levelling up!!

QQueenie · 2020-12-30T04:07:51+00:00

Yes. This sub has helped me realize that my dedication to working out problems and allowing for change can be easily abused and manipulated.

throwaway07x · 2020-12-30T11:59:18+00:00

As dumb as it may sound to some, I learned that when I got a kitten. My energy is now only focused on his well-being and mine and I don't feel like I need a relationship or a man to be happy anymore.

2020-12-30T08:27:07+00:00

What I've learned from all LVM I had pleasure to meet, is that you have to selfish... Just a little bit. There's a reason why,on planes, in case of an emergency, you're suppose to put on an oxygen mask on yourself first, before trying to help others.

Equal-Ear2312 · 2020-12-30T12:24:04+00:00

Yep, time yo go in the garden and plant another tree, make another birdhouse, save several kittens and bake for my elderly neighbors. Mitts up!

mscristalconnors · 2020-12-30T17:19:32+00:00

Ew, doing that for a man who’s not your husband? Even then it would be on occasion. I do the absolute bare minimum with men.

Either they’re with it or they’re not.

PmMeYourFountainPens · 2020-12-30T01:07:38+00:00

Yaaaas this is wonderful. Thank you for taking the time to post this.

Loose-Meet · 2020-12-30T05:41:04+00:00

Thank you for this. Men don't deserve the benefit of the doubt

Yeah_hey_kittycat · 2020-12-30T01:50:43+00:00

I need to re-read this 3x a day... ❤️

bearbear303 · 2020-12-30T02:02:42+00:00

I love this sub right now. This post hits home so hard.

Confection_Efficient · 2020-12-31T06:41:22+00:00

Sadly, I’ve found most men to be bottomless pits of need who often disguise their selfishness (at first )and pretend to be kind and attentive. Over time, it becomes clear they’re just being giving so they can get their needs met. I am not saying all men do this. But I am suggesting we all take time to scratch beneath the surface. Even the “nice” ones can be lifetime projects if you take a closer look. And honestly, ain’t nobody got time for that. I’m done playing mommy, therapist, chef, cleaning woman, accountant and porn star for some low value emotional vampire. No thank you. Not ever again.

LoveManifestHealing · 2020-12-30T02:10:20+00:00

Forever motto! Self Love. Self Care. Self Respect.

smirt999 · 2020-12-30T03:30:11+00:00

Thank you for this

Dontstopmenow2021 · 2020-12-30T11:17:48+00:00

I fully agree but the trick is that as an empath I genuinely enjoy giving to people and I don't think (at least) consciously that I'm trying to prove how lovable I am...but deep down maybe this is what is at stake? In any event, redirecting all this love and focus on myself allowed me to drop people who don't step up. If I treat myself really well then I can't stop tolerate sub par behaviors.

Princess_of_the_Web · 2020-12-30T17:30:34+00:00

Yes! Thank you for saying this aloud. I had to learn it the hard way to not share my love too much OR (the worst) think he's in love when he's just looking for a score.

palanuik · 2020-12-30T21:25:06+00:00

You have no idea how on point this is and how much I needed to hear exactly this right now.

I just caught myself doing all of that all over again, and then felt disappointed in myself for not having learnt by now.

But the bit in all caps really said it perfectly, so thank you so much for posting this. ❤️❤️

thedesigirll · 2020-12-31T04:46:30+00:00

Im glad you posted this today OP.I got rid of an LVM today.SOB was lying to me for 8 fuking months. got rid of his drinking,smoking,kink loving ass.

hilariouslystated · 2020-12-31T04:51:29+00:00

The only person in my life entitled to unconditional love is my dog.

warinmymind94 · 2020-12-31T07:03:53+00:00

These are all great suggestions and It makes me especially happy to see that volunteering is mentioned here. Find something you enjoy doing and reach out to see if any organization needs volunteers. It is a great way to give back and for me it was extremely healing! I would go home feeling so full and happy. Not everyone will appreciate you everyday, but sometimes all it takes is just making one person's day just a tad bit better. I always loved the idea of social work and becoming a therapist or going into healthcare, but I feel like it would take way too much out of me - so if you feel like that volunteering is a great option.

aventuriny · 2020-12-31T00:03:35+00:00

I relate to this so much. But part of me doesn't really know how to not use my kindness and generosity to attract someone or at least feel attractive to someone. Like am I supposed to be cold and unavailable instead? I just wouldn't feel like myself. I need a manual for this lol

riverofdenali · 2020-12-31T00:15:23+00:00

I needed to hear this so much right now. Thank you!

karaokekiller · 2020-12-31T00:49:50+00:00

Thankyou! I'm constantly doing everything to make other's lives easier even when it makes mine so much harder

BeautifulMadness7 · 2020-12-31T07:29:58+00:00

I exhibit these signs to a tit but I don’t think I am codependent, in fact I am quite avoidant. Still trying to understand myself. :(

lessadessa · 2020-12-31T14:14:50+00:00

You have no idea how badly I needed to read this today. I started to catch feelings for some guy who was putting very minimal effort in over the past few weeks (ala he knew I was home alone on Christmas and even tho he lives 5 mins from me, couldn’t even stop by to give me a hug) so I broke it off very early. Too many red flags in less than a month. I’ve been a sad bitch this week so I really appreciate this post right now. I know I did the right thing.

Kristeninmyskin · 2020-12-31T22:44:33+00:00

I would love to share this with a particular friend, but she is not ready to hear it.

Title	Dear ladies who love too much: You MUST protect yourselves
Author	LocationCritical8937
Upvotes	641
Comments	57
Date	December 29, 2020 9:23 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/kmnb5s/dear_ladies_who_love_too_much_you_must_protect/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/dear-ladies-who-love-too-much-you-must-protect.340363 https://theredarchive.com/post/340363

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