This will sting a bit for some of you. But it needs to be said. And if it's already been said, then a few of you need to be reminded.
TL;DR: Stop caring about that one girl, because (1) she doesn't care about you, (2) it's not good for you, (3) she's fucking someone else, and (4) you can't change any of that. Care about yourself by doing and pursuing what you want.
We all have one. A girl you used to know. Yeah, that one. Things ended between you two at some point. Sometimes it ended amicably. More often, it ended badly, and she ended things with you. You didn't want it to end, but it did, and she's not in your life anymore. There's been no contact for some time - a few months, or even more than a year.
But you still think about her now and then. She pops into your head. You regret. A part of you wants her back, because she was nice to you, the sex was so good, or whatever. And that's because you CARE. You care about her.
I understand. You're hardwired to care about a woman you were intimate with. You're hardwired to give a shit. It just is.
But you need to stop caring about this woman. Because she doesn't care about you.
She moved on with her life. She is working at her job or taking care of her kids. She's fucking someone else, married to someone else, or not in a relationship. She's going out with her friends, enjoying her life, and generally doing what she wants to with her life. That doesn't include you.
And she doesn't care about you. She doesn't think about you. She doesn't wonder what you're doing or how you're feeling. She doesn't think about you because she gives no fucks. Your life has no effect on hers at all. She cannot care, because the moment she ended it with you she had to move on to other men, other situations and other pastimes that would offer her what she wanted/needed at that time. For whatever reason, she decided that you couldn't give her what she wanted or needed.
Read this next paragraph carefully, because despite the antiseptic sting, it'll be good for you. This is the key to the whole thing.
Right now, she is fucking someone else. And she isn't thinking about you at all while she's fucking him. She doesn't care about you, because if she did care about you, she'd be fucking you and not him. She cares about him. She does not care about you.
Or, maybe she didn't move on. Maybe she regrets ending it with you. Maybe she thinks about you a lot. Maybe she's in therapy. Maybe she gets drunk or high because she's so consumed with regret and remorse. Maybe she drowns her sorrows in Haagen-Dazs. I doubt that any of those things have much at all to do with you, but who knows? Even in that situation, she doesn't care about you. She cares about herself -- her pain, her regret, her problems, her issues. If she's not looking to you to fix them, she's looking to someone else, probably not herself.
The point is that there is absolutely nothing you can do about any of this now. Since it's very likely she cares not even a little bit about you or how you feel, your emotional investment and energy will not change the situation one bit, or move her one jot towards caring about you. So don't. Just stop.
And let's say she's in the second situation -- she regrets breaking up and wants you bad. She's probably a basket case, a total mess. Reuniting with her will not help her. It will make you much, much worse, both when the breakup happens again and in lost opportunities with other women and other situations.
Stop caring about her. Because she doesn't care about you. And if she does care about you, there's nothing you can do about that.
Do yourself a favor. Start caring about yourself. Start working out. Start making money. Start doing things for you. Start doing things you want to do with no regard for what others think you should do. Start pursuing what you want. Start spending some of your time doing what you want to do instead of spending all your time doing what you or others believe you need to do. Stop trying to rescue basket cases. Stop playing Captain Save A Ho. Stop caring about women who don't care about you.
As someone who experienced some epic unrequited Sorrows of Young Werther oneitis in his youth, let me offer up my insights on the subject:
Initially, you may think that you yearn for one individual girl. It is easy to believe this because you constantly think about the one individual girl. Maybe you are even around other girls and they express an interest in you, but this one girl blots out all the others.
If however, you're away from this girl long enough, as in, you never see her, you may start tentatively fixated on other women; suddenly, they become the focus of your obsession.
If one of the girls in 2. disappoints you, you will then default to the girl in 1., unless you already have met another girl in the 2. category.
If you give up on 1., the psychic parasite that lives inside you that creates the oneitis will flail around and attach itself to random women that cause reasonable romantic hopes in you. It is at this point that you may finally smell the rat and realize that the whole thing has been an illusion all along. How can you have a one true love if it keeps changing?
Awareness of the trap will not necessarily prevent you from falling back into it, however, each time it happens, you should become more mindful of what is going on.
Being in actual healthy relationship where you actually like your partner, instead of merely tolerate them, will go along way towards healing you of this condition. Young men are especially prone to oneitis because odds are, they've never known a good woman in the biblical sense. If you've never experienced the reality, you can be overpowered by the dream.
You also learn that since the dream can be more powerful than the reality, your own mind and it's ability to distort things of better or for worse, is a very powerful thing.
This should be at the top. I see so many people go through this exact cycle, sometimes even in order, and I'm willing to bet 99% of us have been there at one time or another. The key is whether you let that control you, or whether you become conscious of your behavior and start making real choices for yourself.
What is frightening in this statement is the implication that not having experienced a slight romantic interest for another girl means that you're still in oneitis with that long lost girl.
That was generally my experience. But there were other reasons for that aside from the phenomenon itself.
I had a shitty adolescence where I was bullied by everybody for a period of years;
Right as I was coming out of that shitty period, like an idiot, I started messing around with drugs;
Right as I was coming out of the drug period, I tied my self-esteem to what I did for a living and how much money I made;
All three of these choices, which were all interrelated to each other, kept me trapped in romantic hell where I would constantly be on the lookout for the best girl nearby, but would not actually systematically go out and hunt for them, partially because I didn't think I was good enough. The bullying created a pathological aversion to rejection that I struggle with to this day. The drugs clouded everything up. The tying of the self-esteem to work was rooted in guilt for wasting my college years doing drugs because I felt that I had to dig myself out of a hole, and until I did that, I wasn't worthy of any halfway decent woman. Meanwhile, opportunities to form relationships slipped away. Eventually, after I failed to launch the career that would net me the trophy wife, after I hit a rock bottom of despair, I decided that I had to a duty to live out the rest of my life as best I could, no matter what happened, and that if I couldn't be successful, at least I could try to be happy in whatever situation I was in, and that I should try and find stuff to make myself happy, instead of devoting my life towards working to an abstract, possibly unattainable goal, like attracting the perfect woman through making money, both of which were also rooted in being bullied as a revenge fantasy. Once I abandoned all these illusions, I found a relatively healthy hobby that I loved without having to force myself to love it, a first in over thirty years of living, felt better about myself, and eventually attracted a woman that I loved for a few years.
Actually having a real woman that I really seemed to love, and who really seemed to love me, and wasn't just trying to get a quick lay to boost my self-esteem, I realized just exactly how unhealthy my oneitis had been. I had known it intellectually, but now I realized it. The woman that I loved more intensely than the oneitis proved conclusively that there is no one right perfect person, and that you can love many people and be happy with them. It also proved conclusively what I had long suspected, that love isn't the be all end all of existence, and that it can actually create new problems, like making you fat, weak, and complacent.
So, to give some practical advice from this experience:
If you experience oneitis, you have to keep meeting women until you develop romantic interest in another one. If you meet 8 women and find them all unappealing, keep going. Maybe it will be the 9th. In reality, it may be more like the 900th, but that is still quantifiable. Also, if the oneitis is unrequited, meaning you are not having sex or she has another man, you must renounce it and move on. Sure, you may still pine for her, but that's where meeting other women comes into play. Eventually you will meet another amazing woman, even if it takes a long time. Without trying very hard, and I mean, not at all, it took a period of years before I'd meet someone I liked enough to want to be involved in. Now, it's more like months or weeks. So, that's an improvement.
I do still think about the oneitis from long ago, but it's more of a voluntary intellectual exercise and there is no emotional charge left to it, whereas before it seemed to be an involuntary obsessing, whether emotionally charged or not.
Your story bears similarities with mine, except 1) I did video games instead of drugs (from Arcade games to Counter-Strike and World of Warcraft excessively = led to social ineptitude which made the situation even worse) and 2) I now chase down a career to make money and get the fuck out of my poverty because I wasted so many years doing #1 but the career I follow I do it for myself, not for the promise of pussy, and ending up a "beta bucks" is for me a worse ending than ending up alone, which is in itself highly unlikely to happen.
Edit: Also, do I see a never-ending loop there? (You have oneitis -> must develop romance for another woman to forget her -> rinse repeat). Someone in asktrp said it as "GFTOW" (Go Fuck Ten Other Women).
Oh, I played video-games too. In fact, that was my first drug experience, without even realizing it. I consider them to be a drug. When I started doing drugs, I stopped playing video-games for awhile. At one point, I was doing them both at the same time.
Been there. The pathetic daily and totally involuntary obsessing of the one that got away accompanied by a dump-truck of guilt, victimpuke and depressive feelz, practically disappeared overnight when after two years I finally found the strength to ask for a meeting with the ex and say my say. I still think of her now and then, with been together for 11 years, and play with the idea of her seeing me now, but the gut wrenching feelings that usually came with these thoughts are totally gone and I'm in a state of peaceful happiness.
I'm actually glad I fell in the seemingly bottomless pit of despair, because the pain, the unavoidable and personality splitting reflection improved me in every shape and fashion thinkable. I'm infinitely better than I ever was and I'll keep building a better me. I can really say for the first time in my life, I'm happy. This longlasting feeling is so new, I sometimes wonder what really is going on, what the fuck happened? It's like having a weird kind of braintumor pressing on that specific part of my brain that made me feel severly depressed.
But whatever it was, yes a thousand times and long live TRP.
I think this is key. The amount of time it takes you to see and accept qualities in women is a good metric to know how healthy your mind is. It's counter-intuitive because there is a bullshit unspoken rule that long periods between loves is healthy and pure. Sure, developing relationships with pace is healthy, but so many confuse the mandatory dead time they inflict upon themselves as both a virtue, and proof of inadequacy (living in the contradiction), and that having an attraction overlap in women is a character flaw. This reminds me another the bullshit societal rule: you must pursue one woman at a time. I recently read this 'rule' is a social construct pushed via guilt by women whose prerogative is to control the selection process. I buy that. And, as usual, if there is ever a moment you explain to one women that you are attracted to two it only makes your value go up. That factiod isn't the man's problem.
How much guilt have we all felt for just this? Feels like you're cheating on your new woman by simply thinking about another.
Yup. I was so bad that I wouldn't even look at other women. If I saw an attractive lady in a restaurant, on the street, at a party or wherever, I would make myself not look at her and focus on the woman I was with. In my delusion I thought I was being noble and righteous. Better than other men with wandering eyes. "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbors wife" and all that.
I think most women are always on the lookout for a bigger better deal.
Those are some excellent points you make right there. I've suffered the consequences of all the societal rules you mention.
I remember when my 1 left. She was cruel--fucking scorched earth material--saying things like "I'm sorry you couldn't step up and meet my needs and be a man." She had another guy waiting on deck (branch swing).
And that really started me on a journey to rediscovering my masculinity (and TRP). I started doing so many cool different hobbies, reading books, growing. There was new life there.
But there was a long time there where the "parasite" would want to attach onto random women. They would feel my strong arms, and think it was sexy that I was a rock climber, and would say all the things I wanted 1 to say. And I would fuck them, so many of them, and even though it was fun it was really hollow.
And so the last step of swallowing TRP was acceptance. I realized that even though women can do some shitty things, they're not all that bad, but ultimately you can only rely on yourself for happiness and fulfillment.
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I think that's a very typical experience for a guy to have, but you need to cut that out because we don't live in that world anymore. Think about our modern society... With all the wealth, technology, government programs, legislation, feminism, etc. there is no reason for a woman who is unhappy to not jump ship and never look back (Women are twice as likely to file for divorce). 100 years ago that wasn't the case, she needed a man, and now... "Like a fish needs a bicycle"
I fixed a word for you. The best way to get a woman is to not need a woman. Keep working on yourself. You need to reach a point of inner happiness and self-reliance before you will have a successful LTR. The best relationship is where the woman loves a man, and the man likes the woman.
Men always want what they can't have. Fucking always. We've all been there bro and I'm there right now.
I think there is nothing wrong with you and that this tendency in a man to get fixated on one woman is a biological trait that we evolved to have. Men who possessed this trait were more likely to stick around and help raise the children. With his help the children were much more likely to survive and pass on their genes than the children of men who abandoned the woman to peruse others. Of coarse his children would be more likely to posses this fidelity as well.
So in a way, the fact that you do this is a sign of superior genetics. But in this modern world if you're going to survive you must learn how to suppress this tendency. It's difficult to battle our biology but we can learn to rewire ourselves once we understand what's going on.
On the other side of the equation women evolved to quickly move on to the next man. If something happened to the father of her children, be it an accident, murder or a man abandoning her, she would find another man to help raise the children. Women who posses this quality were more likely to pass on their genes to the next generation. This is why not all men posses fidelity. The man's children that were abandoned by their father would often be raised by another man with strong fidelity genes.
Yeah, those fucking soul crushing breakups can be so empowering and liberating. Yeah you!
I don't know what happened, but since reading more and more about being a man and what it means, I feel totally grounded and at ease with myself. Pure acceptance of what's there and what's not there. For the very first time in my life I can say I really do feel happy and content. Life has become sort of a bliss and fun thing to do.
It's ironic how the phrase "be a man" is seen as an insult and the dominant cultural narrative tells me to be more open, vulnerable, share feelings, etc. (i.e. feminine). However, just like you I never felt that helped. If anything it made me weaker and less content. The more I've retaken my masculinity the happier I've become, the more control I've had over my life, and the more women seem interested in me (but I don't do it for them).
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Keep working. Man, just be yourself (i.e. the ideal version of you. Lifting, career, confidence, etc. "who you want to be"). As you're on your journey they'll either want you or they won't. But the less you care about the outcome and focus on yourself the more they'll want you.
It's amazing how much insight TRP has given me. I have caught myself time and time again having the oneitis thoughts. I'm not really dating right now, because for the most part o don't want to. I have so much else on my plate that women are a waste of time atm and I can recognize that. Even though I can't have a true abundance mindset, Im able to keep myself from going full beta in my time of personal sacrafice towards my body, spirit and mind.
Something that I feel isn't always emphasized enough in TRP, is just how comfortable you can be by yourself in times of intense growth. And it's not that you don't have these thoughts, it's just that you see them for what they are and can choose to act on them, or wave as they pass in the wind. It's amazing having that kind of control over your emotions. Patience, discipline and passion are something that I didn't think could be taught, but this sub proved me wrong. Now I can sit back, see these gorgeous women for what and who they really are, then decide if I want to act on it or not.
With so much going on, the last thing I need is a basket case girl that I hold onto just for the sake of getting laid. You also get to see how pathetically thirsty most guys are, which is entertaining.
My problem is she's a coworker and i see her often.
Yup same problem. I try to block it out of my mind and just keep it work related, but then she pulls a rabbit out of a hat and I have to remember to be stoic again.
It's hard.
As someone who had just fucked my first girl in high school and then I moved across the country I can tell you how accurate this was.
Well, it happened when I was in high school, and there was distance involved, so that probably adds to the similarity.
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I would have liked to have gone throught the whole torturous process a lot quicker, with better understanding, with people helping me understand WTF was going on instead of me having to slowly circle the conclusion like an idiot for years. I wasn't really into the internet until after college, unfortunately.
This is very interesting. What do you mean "biblical" sense?
He means fucked. Had sex with. That was biblical King James terminology. "And Adam knew his wife Eve, and she bore a son..."
The idea being: a man doesn't really know a woman until he's fucked her. In fact, he's not really allowed to "know" a woman until he's married to her; and back then if you fucked her you were married to her. It was a "you break it, you bought it" philosophy.
Gee, those ancient writers and fuddy duddy Jews and Christians really understood things, didn't they?
You sure? He could be referring to good in the biblical sense or know in the biblical sense.
Yes, he's sure. The phrase is old and means exactly that. Read his context and you should understand the meaning.
Young men are easily swayed by pussy. They're overcome with oneitis, they don't see the situation for what it is.
Edit: Sorry, phone.
are easily what?!?! Im hanging in suspense here man, out with it!
This is almost too on the nose.
Even as I improve in life -- promotion, better health, more muscle, more game, better SMV -- I think back to 'the one that got away'. Ironically I'm on the verge of becoming everything she idealized in men -- and I sometimes wonder if our relationship wouldn't have survived had I started my RP journey a year earlier than I did.
But you're right, PemBayliss, she isn't thinking about me. She's got her own life, her own friends, guys she's fucking, and it's got nothing to do with me.
It's a good reminder to have as I continue my journey of self-improvement: she doesn't care about me and I must return that favor in kind.
There's a quote that I think really describe this.
Goes something like this
"Behind every great man is a woman, not his wife, not his girlfriend, but the one that got away"
It's ridiculous we go through so much pain and despair for a lost loved one, while that particular one is fucking other guys and erased you from her brain. The hard part here is that is the way woman are. Not bad or good, it just is.
I'm with you man. We must move on, to improve, and build a better us.
For me, I find that acknowledging other girls in your life as other options when thinking about "the one" is a good way to bring you back to reality.
I have a section of sticky notes on my wall dedicated to girls that I'm currently pursuing in different ways, and where I'm at with them. I still have the ones that I've messed up with, but when I look at their sticky I'm reminded of the other girls who I've gotten farther with.
So what if I fucked up with Leia? I remember what I did wrong so I can improve, and I take into consideration Nicky, the girl up the hall who I've made more progress with and will be breaking up with her bf in a few weeks.
Summary: Don't see the forest for the trees. Remember that there are tons of women, and that some just aren't worth you time.
Pro tip: hide the sticky notes when you eventually bring one home.
Yeah I will. Might digitize it or put in a book as well.
I will use this as well, but probably a electronic version to keep track of mistakes I do as well. Thanks for the idea
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I used to have a very similar line of thought about a girl I dated: "For her is so easy to get sex and for me is so hard...".
But this doesn't bother me for a while now because: Girls don't really care about sex half as much as guys do.
For us sex is a victory, every single guy knows this in his primitive brain. Achieving sex is something that we are proud of.
Girls VERY frequently regret having sex outside of relationship. They KNOW, subconsciously, that they lose value after every dick that goes through them.
But society tricks them into thinking that their primitive brain is wrong.
This is a great part of being a man. We can fuck our dicks off and feel great after, it is harder for us but we can do it without much consequence. Think about how much freedom this gives us.
"Girls don't really care about sex half as much as guys do."
Depends on the girl. I've met my fair share of women who DO treat fucking hot guys as every bit the trophy that we men do.
As a man, you are never relieved from your burden of performance.
Your ex is a woman, and may or may not perform, at her option.
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this makes me feel a whole lot better. Once I compare her to myself as if she were a guy, it is obvious that she has nothing to offer except sex.
We are so conditioned that it's wrong to say something like this, but in all honesty, a disgusting number of women . . . at least on a relative basis to men . . . have nothing else to offer.
I've been thinking this about my ex lately. No career, no money, doesn't own anything,, 41, unmarried, children to different guys, no education, mental illness, no passionate interests and I feel bad about thinking this way. Honestly, all she has to offer is her body which explains the string of failed relationships along the way.
Yep, would be a total loser if she was a guy, but because it's a single mom society praises her as some kind of heroine.
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Yep. Their moment in the spotlight is easily more fleeting. Funny how with online dating, I consider women who are 30 to be too old for me (even though I'm 36).
shit I'm 50 and women who are 30 are to old for me.
This fills my heart with joy to hear. Along with my ONEitis, I shall shake the "I'm getting too old to game" mentality, too.
It was never easier to pick up 18-21 year old hot ass girls than when I turned 45. And I don't spend a dime doing it, I'm not talking girls that want sugar-daddies, though they may be hot for Daddy/little girl dynamics. I don't buy them things beside maybe an ice cream cone.
Most are actually uneasy about having money spent on them as thats not why they are there. They are there to get seriously fucked, as kinky as possible, by an older man. I can keep most of them as weekly girls for 6-12 months. Sometimes longer.
Young guys don't worry, become strong alphas and the young pussy doesn't stop.
beetus feet, I almost choked on my tea sir. Well played.
I had this years ago but I managed to break it with a "simple" hack: you need to be aware of the strength of your oneitises. Inspect your emotions until you do. Then, start a new cycle, and when you feel the new oneitis is as strong as the old one, just break it off. If you do it right, the two rival oneitises will kill each other off.
There's only one real way to reach abundance mentality:
Become a man who has abundant choices.
Until you are a guy that women want to fuck, abundance mentality does you no good.
It's funny how accurate this thread is. Men are the romantics. She doesn't think about me at all. She's more concerned with what feels good right now. I stopped feeling good, so I got replaced.
And I wouldn't want it to be any different. Women can only see what's happening in front of them. It's pretty fascinating to me, how they can be so childlike and shortsighted. While it can feel awful to be on the bad side of a woman's nature, it can also be wonderful. When I'm with a good woman, she allows me to loosen up and have fun in a way that I'm not able to with male friends. They're good to relax and have some fun with. A relationship with a woman is shallow like that, but it's enjoyable.
The key is to not have ridiculous expectations of them. Understand what women are and then appreciate it for what it is. It's also best not to take it too seriously. When my last girlfriend left me, it felt like my life fell apart. And it did, because I had built my life around her. Build your own life on a strong foundation and then allow women into it. Never use her as a foundation.
I love this sub. So full of wisdom, wise words and life changing insights. How we ever got labelled as a hate group is beyond me.
"Truth is treason in an empire of lies" - George Orwell
seriously, out of all the shitty shit to look and read on the internet, TRP is one of the only things I read that makes me feel enlightened and empowered. One of the only things I truly enjoy reading and it gets labelled as a hate group ? life is a crazy thing.
That's because they don't actually read through the comments like we do. They catch a title or post that looks sexist, form their opinion and move on. Guys do this as well.
I think it takes a certain level of open-mindedness, curiosity, thirst for understanding and intelligence to get into it like we have.
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Someone here once described swallowing TRP like a second puberty. Pretty accurate if you ask me.
As for relationships, you've got to be able to stand on your own before you can support someone else. Surprisingly few people are able to do that.
The people here are pretty amazing, and have more self control than i'll ever have.
I'm 21, and I still keep getting "feelings" for pretty women. My heart provokes me to act like a complete beta and proclaim my undying love for her. Thankfully, I have the redpill knowledge, so I'll rather die than do that. I can't figure out how to approach, plus i'm not in a good position in life right now so can't really approach her. So ashamed of myself.
Take pride in where you are. It isn't something to be ashamed of. You're a work in progress just like everyone here. Don't beat yourself up about it, just keep working.
You're overthinking the approach thing. Just do it, it's really that simple. If you're too scared to approach, you don't deserve to have her. Men are the risk takers. We're the hunters. Go out there and pursue what you want. Even if you fail, you'll be relieved that you even attempted it in the first place. Anything is better than a "what if."
When I was 21yo I was waiting for the subway with a very beautiful woman and it was just the two of us, late at night. I was trying to get up the nerve to say something and let maybe 5-10 minutes go by in silence. Her train came and she got on, turned around to look at me and waved as she disappeared from my life forever. Still regret that missed opportunity many years later.
You're lucky to have found this information at such a young age. Many of us had to go through 21+ years of fucking up with women before we ended up here.
You've got about 10 years before you'll start to peak in smv and making harsh mistakes is usually what it takes to become a real man. If you can learn from others mistakes you are truly blessed.
The issue with most men reading here in this forum is not realizing that you shouldn't care. It's the "how." How do you stop caring? That is the question which has been answered in other posts. I love hearing how other dudes go about this because each time I read a response on this I add another tool to my belt.
Your wish is my command.
Here's a short how to. (presuming you've done the number one thing, which is remove her from your life as much as possible, block her on all social media, do not see her at all, do not keep any mementos, etc.)
Go approach and talk to other women. Lots of them. That demystifies them.
Game everyone. Talk to everyone. PRactice lots of social interaction.
Many guys will tell you to go fuck 10 other women. Depending on where a guy is, that might not be the best thing. If a guy is so oneitised over a girl who broke up with him, transferring that emotional overwroughtness on someone else won't help him. Plus, let's be real - if he can GFTOW, he doesn't need to be here and won't be reading this.
Keep yourself busy with things. Go lift. Go work out. Pursue your hobbies. Go monk mode for a while.
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Yeah. Because if you approach hot women without the thought of getting them into bed, you realize a few things.
Too many guys are afraid of hot women. Hot women are just women; just human beings.
Approaching and talking to hot women demystifies them and will desensitize you to women. Knocks them off the pedestal. There's no mystery about hot women. The only thing that differentiates hot women from other women is that the packaging which contains a hot woman's genitalia is prettier and more appealing than most others.
Not that you care about how they feel, but hot women are used to getting hit on all the time. They actually find it refreshing to have a normal interaction with a man that doesn't involve him trying to get laid.
That's actually not true. They have been treated differently their entire lives and tend to have a number of different outlooks and habits formed because of this. Hot women are not like other women.
View women as children. And basically men as well. It's not to feel superior or better than them, it's to shield yourself. Would you take a kid serious if it yells at you that you're stupid, that it hates you or says demeaning things about you? No, of course not, it's a fucking kid, what do they know? Viewing people as kids, stops you from pedestalizing their words and messages directed at you. Very liberating and it allows you to consider what message you accept and what you return to sender.
Thank you. Seriously. I've been trying to swallow the pill for over a year in an attempt to solidify and fix our relationship. I was in an 8year LTR and back in May 2015 she finally ended it, Ive seen it coming for some time and had tried to self improve before it came, but I was a little too late. She dumped my ass when she got back in shape and saw her options available to her (great that she was working at a gym flirting with jacked guys all the time)
The beta pull is real. I think about her all the time, I've tried to snub out the thoughts, not think about what shes doing or who shes fucking, but it always pushes its way back into my mind.
It was my first, and only relationship, and I'm really struggling to see the upside.
So you're right, I'm trying to focus on myself, and self improve. Im overweight, my BF is 28%, but since the breakup I've been going hard into keto, and lifting, and have lost 26lbs as of today.
Long story short, she can go fuck herself, because I can do better, and can BE better.
There is no her anymore. It's you. It has always been you, but we men often lose our own out of our sights. And these sights become filled with a women. It's a losing struggle from then on.
Focus on you and you only.
I have an interesting thing I'd like to share. I honestly no longer regret any girl that it never worked out with. Plates, gfs whatever, I honestly think now "thank god for that."
I am not jealous of any girls who have bfs, or husbands and think "oh I wish I had someone like her" I always used to. If anything, I look at them now and go "shes got some nice tits, I'd love to fuck her."
As for my plates and seeds at the moment, the hottest one I currently have just dug her own grave by asking me over dirty text "ever had group sex....two guys one girl" will continue to fuck her but any thought of making her serious gf are all but over. Shame, but her loss.
But thats it. It's a lonely road. It really is. If you listen to the blue pillers and the feminazis.
Tinder and social media is a conveyor belt to more women you haven't fucked yet. Personally not a fan of bars and clubs but you can go there too.
I have a red pill pair of prescription glasses that just almost filter out what a girl is like nowadays.
They fall into similar categories - gold diggers, sluts, crazy ones, average, party girls etc, but the truth is = AWALT
There are no unicorns for me, but if I were to seriously date one, she has to have a low sex partner count, relatively healthy (who is these days), etc etc and there is more of a chance meeting the easter bunny these days.
So why get upset? Accept the cold harsh reality and move on. I get my cuddles and all that bp shit from my plates. Its nice, but something more? Life offers you that. Not a woman.
Two guys, one girl is the typical female fantasy. I particularly enjoy messing with all the "super nice" girls "who would never" using this embedded fantasy. Let's say you're fucking her, then put a finger up her ass and whisper to the bitch: "if that wasn't a finger right now... WHAT WOULD IT BE".
It's like a charm, they all roll up their eyes and squeal in delight "another c-c-COCK!".
Thought I'd share, from my perspective the significance of this has two sides. First side, they almost all dream of it, so it does not imply disrespect (not about the man at all, in fact, it's about the girly experience). Second, just because she brings it up does not mean she will do it, or that you have to do it, sometimes you just acknowledge the dirty fantasy and that's all it takes to blow a girl's mind.
Obviously it's your decision all the way, but might be something to think about - wouldn't put a plate in the "bad pile" automatically for that particular thing.
Eh, I think its important to remember why things didn't work out with some girls so you can improve for future. But don't regret them. Sure, I've missed out on some opportunities to get some, but I understand that girls can be replaced. And if you spend any time at a mall, what you said about girls
Becomes true. I never assume a girl is unique anymore. They might be different from girls they hang out with, but ultimately they all fall into the same group, and can be replaced because of that.
If you understand that girls are all different shades of the same colour, then you can blend in with them better. I've gotten with mentally ill genderflux panromantic girls, and I've also gotten with perfectly average girls. The way was simply adjusting who I am to appear attractive.
Summary: If you fuck up with a girl, figure out why it didn't work and improve from that as all girls can be replaced. Understand what girls from different groups find attractive, and adapt so you can increase your chances by having your hand in all the pots.
Edit: Also, figure out what group you fall into. Do not fool yourself into thinking you are above the system, that you are a special snowflake. You make be unplugged but the world will not know that, even if you are an alpha. Alphas are part of every social system, you are not unique. Know your limits and play within them.
Oddly enough, I wrote to another member of this sub about something that happened to me yesterday.
Ran into an ex. My first Love, complete oneitis on my side and I was as blue as you could be. She obviously broke up with me after she asked for a break and I said no so we parted ways. She tried to keep contact and I shut her down. This happened 2 years ago. I ran into her yesterday as I was shopping because she still works at the mall where she used to work back then and as much as I've ''forgot'' about her, moved on with my life, met other girls, self-improvement, hobbies, it did sting a bit when I saw her. She walked up to me and started the conversation, asking me how I've been and all that stuff. Gave really short answers and left afterward. Been at the back of my head for the past hours now. You know, you try to be strong and move on and all it takes is a moment to feel weak once again.
She wasn't good for me. Little to no carreer prospect, bad with money, lots of guy friends/orbiters but damn she was fun and we got along extremely well and even though I know I'm better off without her, she still pops here and here every couple months.
Thinking back on it, I can analyze what I did poorly or wrong but it's irrelevant. She's got her own stuff going on now and so do I.
Just chalk it up as a learning experience. I don't know if you follow American football. The coach of my favorite NFL team, the New England Patriots has a theme he constantly stresses.
What happened last week in a game doesn't matter. What happened 3 seasons ago doesn't matter. Last year's Super Bowl championship doesn't matter. It doesn't matter who the opponent is next week or next month.
What matters is focusing on constant improvement and progress. What matters is this weeks opponent. What matters is focusing on going 1-0 this week.
Learn from past experiences, sure, but do not make them a source of constant focus. Don't focus on the future constantly either. Focus on getting things done in the here and now. Make the most of your opportunities.
This is so important. Don't go start lifting and all that for a girl or for anything other than yourself. YOU are the only one that will benefit from it and YOU are the one in control of your life, so do it for yourself. Be selfish, it's all for you.
THIS! We often come to the TRP and fail to grasp the message that everything we do, we do it for ourselves. But often we tend to improve to get a girl, but that is not the essence. We do it solely for ourselves with no hidden contract to attract bitches. Raised SMV and the rest is just a fucking byproduct.
Never love someone more than they love you.
In the nicest possible way, I think you wrote this as instructions for yourself.
They're nice instructions for anyone to have -- including me.
The things I can expound on the best are the things I've experienced and the things I most need to remind myself of. I can write so floridly and eloquently on this subject because I've been through it.
Thank you. I needed to read this.
Thank you. I really needed to read this.
I needed to read this, thank you. I'm married to a pretty awesome first mate and have been applying the RP philosophy to my life for the past few years. I've moved on from -the one- woman a long time ago. My shitty head tends to wander back to her and the what-ifs frequently.
Oneitis is a fucking mental disorder. An unhealthy obsession. I had one myself. Even though I fully know the odds of us getting together was 0.000000001% I was still obsessed.
Our life paths went a complete 180. Like other side of the country 180.
Men. Don't torture yourselves over this stupid shit. Recognize that you have it and just admit that it's stupid and beta. The sooner you confess your stupid oneitis and how unrealistic and unhealthy it is, the sooner you can wake the fuck up to everyone else around you.
I'm glad i never hooked with my oneitis. She is a genuine unicorn. Focused on feminine beauty, long hair, biblical wife values, married young kids at a healthy age, and proud of being the housewife raising two kids in a conservative redpill household.
But you know what. I would've missed out on much awesome things had I chosen that type of life. Rock climbing, a sky dive, scubba dive, my various relationships, participating in the art community, my own gallery, getting into a masculine redpilled IT career, my time working with blue collar guys and ex convicts.
The friends i have now, the adventures I've been on, would never happen with being with my oneitis.
So men. Those of you currently suffering with oneitis, look at what you have without her. Look at what you are able to achieve without her. How much of your life donyou want to piss away on an unhealthy obsession?
This outlines very well why I've gone Monk Mode, and really suggest Monk Mode to anyone going through this.
After my last LTR dropped me I went around the block a couple times. Fucked a few women, couple of them became plates. The plates were even objectively much higher quality women than the ex. Yet after I fucked them and they went home, I'd lay awake thinking about the ex.
I would compare these girls to the highlight reel of my ex in my head. I realized I wasnt emotionally available for these women. The interaction with them lacked because of it, the sex lacked because of it. Eventually my labido just died, and couldn't even get it up.
These women were my bandaid, Monk Mode is my cure. Eliminating any thought on women and the pursuit of them made it very clear I still had oneitis. Since starting Monk Mode I've felt a lot different about my ex. I think about her now and it's a mixture of disgust and amusement. I no longer look at the highlight reel.
More recently had a girl in a relationship grinding on me in a tight dress, and for the first time in almost 6 months felt genuine and very strong sexual arousal, despite her being in a relationship, which would have repulsed the old me.
It showed me that my oneitis is finally fading, and that I'm coming into acceptance of TRP, and letting go of the anger.
Monk Mode should be the go to for any aspiring alpha still dealing with oneitis. I'm not sure I would have ever developed this level of self-importance without it.
Well ... When you put it that way .. It does lose some of its charm. Thanks for the slap in the face. Deep down I think we all know this, but just don't want to admit it to ourselves.
I've found that swiping through thousands of women on Tinder serves as a visible reminder that abundance truly exists. It is anti-venom to my post-divorce oneitis.
Killing Oneitis is a step you cannot skip in freeing yourself. Great post.
I absolutely love RedPill. Thank you for saving me from a life of complete and utter misery.
"She does not care about you."
She may not even remember you, if it's been a year or more. Sometimes even shorter.
Think about that if you still think about her.
Thank you for writing this. I don't think we can be reminded enough.
Great post. It had truths without being vicious (I remember one on here calling all women "vapid retards"; come on) and as RP as you may be, it's important to remember that not everyone thinks about you all the time. This helps with the "no fucks given" attitude even more.
It's just a fact -- the one who did the breaking up moves on easier. Think about it - when you're the one who did the "breaking", you moved on easier. So it is with a woman. When it's over, it's over. She's already done all that "moving on" before she said the words to you or before she disappeared.
And the fact that a woman breaks up with you doesn't mean your life is over. It just means that at this time, at this place, for this woman, you and she didn't work together. That's all. And yes -- in the grand scheme of things, you don't matter to anyone but you.
I Chad Thundercocked this one chick back in my 20's and she has been dying to get my cock back in her for over a decade. The joke's on her though, because I can't fuck like I did when I was 23 years old, ha! However, I like being idealized and immortalized in her mind and her having the perception that it could be like that again, if she could only do the correct things, in the correct sequence.
The moral of the story is that they do care, but only if you make them. One of life's cruel ironies is that the more you care, the less they do, and vice versa.
tfw stopped caring about everything.
Good advise, but reading this was just depressing.
Long time lurker here. One of the best posts I've read so far.
Extremely usefull knowledge. Clearly you've identified the situation very well and wrote the right prescription. Keep it coming.
This short 'article' finishes on a false conclusion. This woman does not care about you, she cheated on you and right now she is fucking someone else. The realisations of the red pill should lead to a different conclusion and let me try and break this down.
Understanding that the majority of your relationships, but that one that you will end up settling with, if you are a traditional kind of guy (and I am not, nor do I believe in the social and imagined construct of the one) will result in a failed relationship, then it goes without question to understand that all of them will be fucking someone else. Actually if you take a large enough sample of women, then almost 100% of those women will be eventually fucking someone else, and in actual fact in the majority of situations since 50+% divorce rate, they will be fucking someone else.
Now consider this, is it more important to understand that she is fucking someone else and you should stop caring about her? Or stop caring all together? Stop caring all together seems to be the rational choice. And I am not talking about stop caring for sex, god knows I still get me some of that, but the reality of the matter is, and if you truly believe in the mindset that people like Rollo Tomassi talk about frame control, then your frame of reference should be, that you don't care. You don't need her. She needs you.
And since looking back in the history of mankind there has never been a point where women were unhappier than men up until now where our happiness level is higher than them, then you understand the conclusion that this leads you. Women need men, not the other way round. Although our biology will have us think otherwise.
Therefore control the frame. Remove the fucks that you have to give about EVERY woman and live your life to the fullest. I am a MGTOW, but even before finding MGTOW (which is a set of ideas that actually makes sense with the above mindset), I understood this very simple and logical conclusion.
I would advise you check out the interview that I did with Rollo Tomassi, as it speaks to the frame of mind that I am talking about.
Take care guys.
Agree. The problem is the premise, that 'true love' or 'the one' is what we are looking for. If we think that, then we can think she may have been it.
It took my last relationship to realize this. I dumped her, but it still hurt for a time. I dumped her becaus she treated me bad, so it still felt like being dumped in some ways. I get to fuck other girls now. My goal is different than before. I don't let myself get feelings for any girl, I try to have friendly relationships with them and enjoy their company but not see them as part of my life. In this way I don't put my emotional well being in the hands of another person, don't worry about trust, don't worry about being hurt. But I get the things I liked most out of a relationship which is frequent sex and doing stuff with the opposite sex like dinner etc.
In terms of LTR it is the girls job to sell me on it in the future and it is going to be a goddamned tough sell. I don't care for that anymore, I don't need it. It's too big of an investment emotionally, in time, in life choices that get made during a relationship, etc. never met a single girl who was worth it
I needed a post like this. After almost a year here on the forums. I've learned alot. However, the reason I came across trp in the first place, getting rejected by a girl I had feelings for, still lingered in the back of my mind. I've improved myself physically, mentally and socially( though granted there's alot more to go) but separating from that oneitis is a very large problem I'm still working on.
Thanks I really needed to hear this. All my life I've cared about people too much at the expense of my own happiness. It's a hard habit to drop but I'm changing slowly.
Eureka!! Channel your passions into bettering your life and the women will flock. Also, make a woman earn every ounce of affection she desires to extract from you. They are callous to our feelings at all times, even when they say they care it is only to make themselves feel better about themselves. Stop thinking to discover the first ever unicorn, make them work for the time spent on them.
Being around betas recently has really allowed my system of thought to digest the principles of the red pill. At the beginning the red pill seems so shallow and its opposite to everything socity tells us about how to "treat" women. When recent experience has taught me that women prefer to be Alphucked. Not in a degrading way, but in a sense of psychologically slowing down that hamster, by providing an alluring sedative, the stronger the alpha the stronger the sedative.
All very true but what bothers me the most is scenario 3. The girl wants to break up with you after a fight, you agree. Afterward she gets upset that you aren't a total mess and begging her back. Drama ensues and she makes irreversible choices that make a hard next the only option.
You hard next her and realize you are fine and having a better life for it. The girl claims to not want you back and ends up with some beta guy that looks like you when you were two years younger. Everything should be fine, she's emotionally settled and you are living the free life.
But women don't want it this way. This girl then continues to contact you about random bullshit every month or so- and there seems to be no end to it. At first it's a nice ego boost because you get to cut her off. Eventually it becomes fucking annoying.
I have no idea why this woman keeps contacting me despite our clear separation. Our unhealthy relationship ended, she found a healthier replacement and I'm not interfering with her life. I would say this is the most desirable ending she could have hoped for. Yet this woman won't leave me alone and never gets to the point, all I get is mind games and vague messages.
That ego boost is doing nothing good for you. Cut her off today. Disable her contact on your phone and move on. The unhealthy relationships in your life are stemmed from something deeper. You. Go into monk mode, and work on being the man you need to become.
I think you didn't read my comment properly. I already cut her off, moved on long ago. The problem is that she always finds a way to contact me. You can block people from social media easily but to disable their numbers is a huge hassle, I don't even know how I would block incoming messages. If I put in the time to find out the girl would just switch to emailing me.
You're also giving me advice without knowing anything about my current status. I've been in monk mode the entire summer/spring. I'm doing fine and currently working on expanding my investments that I made in monk.
What I tried to say was that women will find a way to contact you no matter what, this scenario is very annoying.
Ok. As long as it isnt validating. Nobody knows anything about anyone. We only try to support each other. Good luck.
Definitely, it was at first but now it's just annoying. Don't need validation from her. Her contacting me every 1-2 months keeps her in my life, something I wish to avoid.
I figured this one out the hard way, I'm glad this is brining brought to light. Like all great people in this sub, I applied my knowledge in my life. I was at a college party, and I see the "girl". This girl looked smoking hot - the ones that wear a extra small shirt, exposing a rocking stomach. Now, figuring out my past learning, I didn't approach her, but my friend did. He leaves to her, I left to use the restroom, and when I came back they joined the rest of the group. She was hot, but wasn't my type - so I thought. I got her Instagram; her eyes were on me, not my friend, when I displayed the things I learned on here for example, I left mid conversation to another girl, and spoke very little and of course subtly bringing up my success (giving a speech at a highschool tomorrow, I got to go). She's my new target.
So once you're making money, what do you do? I'm not one to flaunt my wealth, both for RP reasons (golddigger alert) and others. I'm not talking about millions here btw. Some of the wealthier folk may scoff at this, but I'd be happy to push near to 6 figures. But at that point, how exactly would money help except just to attract the gold digger women? (And yeah I know gold diggers wouldn't give a second of their time to someone making under 6 figures)
A woman never ever needs to know your financial success. I have never once and never will disclose my financial fitness. It's a trap. I don't even let her see my car until after we have had sex. You make money for you, never for her, or anyone else.
When you are not getting sex from her anymore then relationship it's in the last days and time to move. It's ironic men are in relationships for sex (because that's all she can offer) and when their partner is not giving it then men commit even more to relationship and enthrall even more going completely selfless to the point of becoming zombies. How painful to witness that.
Agreed. I'm in a work situation currently. Just found out 'the one' privately took a few days off work to travel with her local boyfriend for East Coast business. I was just an orbiter. It stings, yes it stings in a good way. Time to do some stuff. Dam she was hot.
You are amazing!
Thanks for this brother
You tried to lock down a girl above your SMV and failed. Take note of the failure, make a list of areas you lack in, and improve your SMV.
Or below, but you were blinded by her magnificent riding..
“Learn to value yourself, which means: fight for your happiness.”
I think I have attachment issues because I'd definitely say I was beta before TRP but I've never felt this way about anyone or let a girl that I liked end things with me. It's never happened in my life. Truth be told I'm kind of envious because I don't know if I've truly ever cared about anyone.
Ah well, being heartless has many advantages.
Essentially you could have summed your whole post up as:
You should prioritize yourself over women. I'm sure everyone here knows this.
These posts are getting slightly repetitive..
How many times does it have to be said that TRP will always be repetitive because
The unplugging process is neverending. Hundreds of new subscribers arrive every day and over time they go through the same phases, make the same connections and reach the same epiphanies you made months before. Just because it's not new to you doesn't mean it's not new to thousands of others
80% of intergender dynamics is rooted in biology and psychology, both of which change at an incredibly slow rate
Then write a post yourself.
then I'd be adding to the repetition.... ;)
Then write something you think would be nonrepetitive instead of complaining about the repetitiveness on this sub.
Be part of the solution. Naysaying, bitching and complaining is beta.
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He does: Not writing the posts.
Reductionism is the enemy of nuance. You see a Rubiks cube and say meh, that's just another fucking Rubiks cube. Someone else sees one and says, Ah 6 million possible combinations, fuck yeah let's play. Who's mind is sharper? Duh.
Nah mate. If you have an cognitively nimble mind you can reduce something to it's simplest, purest, most basic essence, whilst understanding complex nuances at the same time.
Ironically, you have failed to understand nuance in this instance, the nuance that both reductionism and nuance can co-exist.
;)
I tend to agree with you, however there may be merit in going past the simple phrasing trp boils its tenants down to.
true, true, but I just would like to see more elegant writing on the sub, rather than the usual vulgarity-saturated, aggressive posts all the time.
alright fair play lad:)
Here's what I think that can add on to your idea.
If you can possibly reverse engineer this dynamic, by making her care about you instead, by making her chase you instead, you win the game. You then truly have the luxury to not care about her because she herself wants you.
Rather than her becoming the object of your desire, you become the object of her desire.
By doing this, you effectively make her care about you, eliminating the need for you to care too much about her. You reverse the dynamic for your own benefit. Easy game
Good thoughts.
But, it's too late for the intended audience for this post.
Why should a man expend effort getting a woman who's already told him to fuck off, to care about him? Why should he try to get her to chase him when she's already told him to get lost? Wasted time and effort.
She was with him; she's now not with him. She's made her choices, she was free to make them, and everyone now has to live with those choices. Including him. Trying to make a woman who's already systematically removed herself from his life care about him is a colossal waste of time and effort.
Now, if we're talking about a woman he's met and who he's involved with, then your idea is Game 101, and good on you.
Oh. I thought your post was referring to an active relationship, not a already broken one. But definitely, you're right.
I remember chasing a girl who rejected me, before I discovered Red Pill ideology, and it was horrible. Zero success, and I looked like a thirsty creep. Little did I know how ... pointless that was. No point chasing a girl who's rejected you.
No worries. Read a bit more carefully next time. Slow your roll.
Just because you got burned or watched a buddy get burned doesn't mean no woman loves or cares about her man. This is a misapplication of hypergamy and a mistaken assumption that every woman is an 18 - 25 year old party girl. But that's a well-trodden path.
You need to read a bit more carefully, friend. Sure, women love and care about their men. It's just that they can easily stop loving and caring about a man -- much more easily than a man can stop caring about a woman who broke with him.
That's all that's being said, mate. Relax.
I feel like you're victimizing men a bit, but with everything else I agree.