Sharing my story: "jUsT cOmMuNiCatE bEtTeR" can be the gateway to abuse

I saw another woman post her story today, and I was reminded of my own story because I also rationalized my way past engagement ring/proposal red flags. My story is a buffet of red flags, so... bon appetit.

I (27F) have been divorced for a year from my ex husband (1 year married, 7 years dating). The happy, current situation is that I am emotionally and physically healthy, on track for employment with a $200K starting salary, and have renewed relationships with friends/fam. But the last 3 years were bad, and I could've saved myself a lot of trauma if I'd been wiser.

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When I was 18 and in college, a guy asked me out, but soon made it clear he was after casual sex. I wasn’t interested and said so. Later, he assaulted me at a party, and groped me in public from behind (I didn’t see it coming). By the time I thought about reporting, bruising was gone and I didn’t think I had ‘proof.’ I struggled with the assault (especially as someone raised in a Christian home where assault wasn't discussed). But I got counseling and moved on. The guy was/is just a creep, know for "operating" on inexperienced women (he was nicknamed Dr. Hymen, apparently).

A year later, I started dating my ex husband. I told him about the assault fairly soon because he was on an athletic team with the assaulter (although they weren’t friends). We dated for 6 years pre-engagement with some long distance years in the middle, which I shouldered due to his job. I didn't have sex with him for years (no interest in risking pregnancy / I knew he could be all talk when he brought up marriage). He was not the most romantic or empathetic boyfriend, but I loved him and we seemed to share values/goals; over time (especially after he started a grad program for teaching), he started talking about his superior "emotional intelligence" and encouraged me to ‘communicate better.’ At the time, I took this as a good sign, but it was the tip of the control issues iceberg.

After we got engaged, I brought up the assault in passing and was stunned to hear my fiancé say that he didn’t remember me ever telling him about it. I’d referenced the assault during our years dating—the occasional nightmare, reading a book about assault, etc.—so that didn't make sense. His response was that maybe he’d blocked it out or I'd been unclear. This was a jarring exchange, but I figured maybe it *was* my fault. I repeated what happened (and named the assaulter again) and moved forward. I emphasized that the assaulter could not be invited to the wedding.

My gut also felt weird at other times during our engagement. He tried to convince me that I was materialistic for wanting an engagement ring; since I made more money, he convinced me to split costs on a low-cost ring that met "his standards," but then later wanted to get a new one when his coworkers couldn't tell it was an engagement ring. I tried to discuss downsizing or even delaying the wedding, as our relationship seemed strained; he convinced me that it was probably "just me," since I was under outside stress. He also threatened to call off the wedding when I didn’t feel good about moving in with him. I worked "on me" with a therapist and decided to go through with the wedding (a reminder that not all counselors are helpful or good at spotting warning signs).

Soon after the wedding, I found out that my husband invited the assaulter to the wedding after our “clarifying” conversations (he declined). My husband’s excuses were that “I wasn’t clear enough,” “it would have raised awkward questions if he wasn’t invited,” “it wasn’t full rape” and “it just sounded like a bad experience.” He fake-apologized, but wanted me to move on and repeated these statements all the way to the end of the marriage. I was shell-shocked by this betrayal. My sex drive tanked, and I had a hard time relaxing or even sleeping around my ex. My husband could be critical, and this escalated in a variety of ways. Most hurtfully, he got pushier about sex but then proceeded to insult my body during the act itself on multiple occasions. When I got upset and asked him to stop, he'd tell me that he was just joking and that I was overly sensitive. Every time I tried to set a boundary, he said that I wasn't communicating clearly (even when I could finally see that I was).

We started couples’ counseling, but my husband asked me to wait to bring up the assaulter stuff to avoid ‘biasing the counselor’ off the bat. I was scared of what might happen if I told. I was also terrified of getting pregnant--a gut instinct supported by multiple datapoints: when I had to go to the hospital for a scary fever/UTI infection, he spent the car ride ridiculing me for inconveniencing him. He got in trouble at his school for swearing at kids (he said he was angry that he couldn't "discipline" kids like he did at his old school, and was mad when I suggested that swearing didn't seem like an OK response). He also started "looming over" and cornering me during arguments, which for me was the final straw. I could see where the situation was going.

I ended up physically separating from him when COVID hit and my law school went remote. Things continued to go downhill while separated; he refused to talk via email—which I started encouraging when on our calls/Facetimes he contradicted past conversations, called me insane/crazy, and said I should be institutionalized. He also articulated that he was never romantically in love with me, and that he “chose me” because I'd be a good financial contributor/mother/wife. When I became upset, he suggested that if I “worked harder” at the relationship and was more like another woman (specifically his brother’s wife), maybe he'd finally fall in love with me. Apparently he has never fallen in love (romantically) with anyone, even though he had sex with other women before meeting me; he does not think that an "in love" stage is fairly normal in relationships and got very defensive (he's white, American, and is not on the spectrum).

Toward the end, he kept repeating that I didn't believe in divorce. He knew that I took a traditional Christian mindset on marriage, though I am progressive in many other areas. He failed to realize that true Christian ideals of marriage don't tolerate lies, entrapment, or abuse. Men are literally called to lay down their lives for their wives. Plus, it also turned out that he lied about his faith -- apparently he's never had faith, or any spiritual feelings, at any moment in his life.

tldr: Listen to your gut. Men are now equipped with statements from society, master's programs, and the internet about "emotional intelligence," "communicating better" and "growth mindset." I don't hate men -- I love my male friends who have had my back, my dad is one of the most high-value men/husbands I've ever met, and I look forward to maybe dating and finding a new partner someday. Even my husband's former teammates (not the assaulter) supported me when they heard what happened! But TRUST YOUR GUT. Just because he isn't outright beating you or cheating on you does not mean that you are safe with him.

Editing to add: there’s a lot of talk on FDS about recognizing your worth, but I think it’s important to recognize that when you’re deep into an abusive relationship, you’ll no longer react to that realization by leaving. However, you may feel unsafe, on edge, like you’re losing your mind, physical symptoms, etc. I knew I deserved better, but what got me to physically leave was being worried that I might be having a mental breakdown, the persistent feeling of not being safe, and knowing that my ex could get physical.