For folks you ended up dating the hvm, how did you guys meet. I don’t want to get into OLD - had the worst experience last year.

grayblue_grrl · 2021-06-29T11:58:32+00:00

Back in the day - 28? 29 years ago this month, I put an ad in a personals column in an actual paper. I was looking to expand my social circle and get out of the rut that I was in. I was a single mom, starting back to university and didn't have time to "relationship" but needed some kind of social life.

I had approx 150 written replies. Sorted through them, called maybe half. Gave the rest phone calls. Did "interviews" more or less. I actually dated a few.

His response was in the last batch of responses and by that time I was calling people to make phone dates for the interviews. lol He was pleasant, agreed to a time and date without issue.

We talked for about 3 hours. Decided to meet in person. Also talked about 3 hours. Chemistry was STRONG. But we acted responsibly. Lots more phone dates. Talked over everything. Stupid shit. Discussed every step of the process. Very different way for both of us. Both had been to therapy. Both of us took responsibility for out parts in old relationships.
Agreed to some ground rules. The main one was to never say anything to deliberately hurt the other.

Married 25 years last Feb.

anxious-american · 2021-06-29T05:52:48+00:00

I met him at work; but it was kind of a by chance thing

questionsaboutrel521 · 2021-06-29T12:42:12+00:00

I met mine at a talk he was giving for a community event. I thought he was very attractive and intelligent in the talk, and I was in a phase where I was trying to be more confident in approaching people (not for relationships but for networking and friendship really). I went up afterwards and introduced myself.

He friended me on Facebook when I got home. We ran into each other two more times at different events (not colleagues but have overlapping work circles if that makes sense). After the third time, he began messaging me. His intent was clear from the beginning, although I was nervous he was just trying to be nice/network, and when we began talking I was out of town on a short trip. As soon as I returned, he asked to take me to dinner.

I share the whole story for two reasons:

1) I always encourage women to get involved with their community through positive experiences or community service rather than channeling time into OLD - because you are working generally on improving yourself and meeting others, so if you meet a guy it’s just a bonus. Plus men who are out there doing their local rec soccer league, volunteering with a shelter, etc are more likely to be positive men with a scope of interest beyond themselves. They are taking pro-social steps to not just sit at home playing video games.

2) I had done OLD. I had started situationships with men I had been acquainted with. I had been asked for “drinks” or to start with something physical only. BLECH. I can’t tell you how healing it was to have a man clearly express interest and tell me I was worth dinner right away. A man who doesn’t do this isn’t worth your time. It’s not like we went anywhere fancy, it was a simple Mexican restaurant where he wore a collared shirt and we got to see that we both generally liked the same things in a relaxed environment.

Also, by not meeting online, I actually got a sense of his REPUTATION from others that I was familiar with. I was extremely damaged from my last relationship with a man deceiving me and lying about who he was and his past. A ton of people approached me about my current BF after we were openly dating to tell me how great he was. One issue with OLD is that you are unlocking a mystery box. Even back in the old days when people would get set up on a blind date, they were at least getting a reference from a friend that this person was worth knowing. Now we are throwing ourselves to the wolves.

thefemaleequivalent · 2021-06-29T06:26:56+00:00

I met him at work when all I cared about was being healthier, happier, fitter and better at my job. He pretty much fell out of the sky as a happy addition to my life.

butterscotch_cherrie · 2021-06-29T09:34:41+00:00

My most viable relationships have been with men I met through mutual friends.

Muffcakelord · 2021-06-29T06:02:59+00:00

All my healthy relationships were found simply "by chance", through a friend of a friend or something like that. It should be mentioned i've always met them through people who attend higher education in scandinavia which means they are a safer fit already since we have more common ground on things culturally and morally/ethically. Starting off at a common ground that you find important, such as through an outdoor activity, through a certain type of work or education etc, could be an advantage!

fingerlimepie · 2021-06-29T07:46:13+00:00

He went to uni with my extremely HVW close friend. A perk of surrounding yourself with high value people (but not the aim).

Dazzling_Grass1727 · 2021-06-29T08:58:03+00:00

Most people I've met in happy marriages met through friends of friends. No divorcees either. Personally I prefer if he dropped out of the sky while I was going about my life, like in the movies.

Surround yourself with HV friends first then we'll see. When I had LV friends, all they did was introduce me to LV men, and I had no idea that they were trying to set me up with guys. And setting me up for failure.

Deciding on your standards and boundaries sounds like a good start as well.

shymilkshakes · 2021-06-29T12:33:51+00:00

In my friend’s kitchen. I was babysitting her kid and he was good friends with her boyfriend and came home with him after work one day. Haha I was feeding the kid after we went to the park and stuffing a PB&J into my own mouth when I heard “how come I haven’t met you before?!” coming from behind me.

MixWide · 2021-06-29T13:36:00+00:00

Pure chance meeting in college.

I wish I could say there was something I did to find a good partner, something I could pass on to other women to improve their odds, but I literally just got lucky.

I think that's why it's so important for women to focus on developing ourselves and our platonic relationship networks. You could be doing absolutely everything right and still not encounter a worthy partner...the only thing to do is build a good life for yourself and hope that luck will be on your side. Wish I had something better to offer.

sassyheather · 2021-06-29T12:30:48+00:00

I was at a dorm party with my then bf who knew way more people than me and introduced me (I had recently moved in and he was good at making me part of the group). The tall handsome guy I met that night instantly caught my eye as the most attractive man I’ve seen and I kept running into him at following parties. A bit after my ex broke up with me, I remembered the tall handsome guy and soon after, he asked me on a date.

kaleidoscope471 · 2021-06-29T15:05:25+00:00

I know this sub skews younger but I'm curious if this is different for people over 30 or over 35? I've not been able to meet anyone through friends for at least 5 years b/c everyone is either already married or has been deemed un-datable.

LordLivre · 2021-06-29T10:56:43+00:00

Met at work, and didn't start dating until we didn't work at the same company

partypancakesbacon · 2021-06-29T14:44:47+00:00

I won’t do OLD because it takes a hell of a lot more effort to spark my interest in someone. I do love meetups and have made great friends through mutual meetup group activities. It was a friend of a friend who brought someone new to a group outing that led to a conversation that sparked my interest. Let others do the initial vetting for you.

cwinparr · 2021-06-29T07:27:14+00:00

We were in the same friend group made up of ESL teachers in Switzerland. We were friends for about a year before we started dating.

Clippeticlop · 2021-06-29T14:32:20+00:00

University - he lived on my street and we’d always say hello in passing/he’d say ‘after you’ at this narrow gate on the way to campus - just seemed like an upbeat and generous person. Eventually we got chatting/would walk back together, and he invited me (and my friends) over for a party.

I knew immediately that he was HV; even when he was a student and didn’t have anything concrete to showcase. He was always nice to everyone (including me) without any motive. He read proper books even though his degree had nothing to do with literature. He listened to good music, and spent a lot of time finding it. He never bragged about either or used it to show off to girls; as a matter of fact I didn’t realise until the first time I saw his bookcase. He didn’t brag in any way, kiss and tell, all his friends were fun and nice and respectful. He always dressed well and smelled nice and his room was never a tip. He’s amazing with his brother (who is on the spectrum), kind and helpful to his parents, generous, never needy, emotionally intelligent and introspective, good at communicating and very tactful. I’ve never heard him raise his voice or say anything vulgar, even when drunk. I simply adore him and he makes it so easy, by always pulling his weight and offering to do even more. He’s always been supportive of my (hugely time consuming) interests.

Reading all these accounts about awful men (and having a couple of terrible exes) I feel absolutely blessed to have met him. And I never felt like I had to impress or convince him, ever!

Sana_Del_Dre · 2021-06-29T09:10:28+00:00

Is anyone realizing, that none of these comments mentioning encountering HVM through dating apps?

This just proofs the post about the pick-me mentality with dating apps is 100% right!

Canijustbekim · 2021-06-29T23:05:35+00:00

Honestly, like a fairytale. I was out with friends bowling, he was a friend of a friend. He said he saw me, and I smiled, and his world stopped, and that it was a done deal for him. Luckily, he's still as wonderful and loving as he was when I met him!

sherrybby · 2021-06-30T01:42:56+00:00

I know this goes against the grain but I'm going to add a voice for the ladies who are too hesitant to speak up - I met my current SO on OLD. This was pre-FDS and I attribute it to blind luck because my previous years of using OLD only led to men who sucked the lifeline out of me. Initial green flags included letting me know he was deleting dating apps and not talking to anyone else the first day we began chatting (facetime), and putting his energy towards courting me only.

Edit: I wanted to add that we met on Hinge and he put a lot of thought into his profile. We discussed our profiles later on and he really put in effort to create a genuine profile to find his dream girl. I remember one of the answers to a prompt was that he was really attracted to women whose eyes lit up when they were talking about something they were passionate about. No fuckboi answers

numbers213 · 2021-06-29T14:24:03+00:00

My cousin met her HVM through grad school. They got jobs at the same company but different locations. The minute he was able to he transferred to her city. Poor dude had to meet her LV dad this weekend.

AsianWanKenobi · 2021-06-29T17:19:28+00:00

I met mine at Chruch when we were 9. I hated him at first because he was the pastor's perfect child and everyone at church loved him. Then his parents started babysitting me and we slowly became friends. I developed a crush on him when I was 10. I was quite about the crush until I was 15, and we started dating soon after that. We're getting married in October!😊

wine_and_mastiffs · 2021-06-29T09:30:33+00:00

In college, through friends. Been married over 10 years now. Kid free, but 4 dogs of course!

jesusbatman · 2021-06-29T17:34:42+00:00

Through a mutual friend in highschool. We were friends first for many years before we finally started dating in our early 30s. The chemistry was there from the start but we didn't date sooner because I thought I was in love with my NVX. I wasted my 20s hopelessly devoted to a total loser who never deserved me.

andwhenwillitbegin · 2021-06-29T12:06:14+00:00

It was at work. It’s somewhat easy to vet colleagues too.

08__80 · 2021-06-29T06:54:55+00:00

At work, through friends, or from knowing them a long time from living in the same area, or when younger, school. I have never dated a stranger.

I think this is a huge problem for younger people, they are going on dates with unvetted strangers. Nobody in your social group knows him so there is no whisper network to tell you if he is a good guy or a creep and to give you all the gossip. There is no social pressure for him to act properly, because it's not going to get back to his mom that he took his date to Burger King, made her pay for her own food, and then showed her his dick in the parking lot. If nobody in his real life wants to date this guy, RED FLAG. That's why I tell women to stay away from OLD. HVM don't need OLD.

If you feel like there is no one in your social circle who could introduce you to HVM, then you need to befriend HVW. If your place of employment is filled with LVM and LVW, that's your sign that that place is not good enough for you. Elevate yourselves.

Altowhovian93 · 2021-06-29T13:35:42+00:00

My husband was in my friend group for a few years. We were both in other relationships, then I moved, both those relationships ended, I went back a year later to visit friends, he came by because I was in town and we started talking. Because we were friends first, their wasn’t any us trying to impress each other. There was a lot of roasting each other for acting like a fool in previous relationships. We share the same faith and both made it clear we were at a point where marriage was endgame. We had many discussions over life plans, values, goals, family goals, how it handle in laws and traditions, career goals, where we wanted to live; premarital counseling with our pastor, and we met each other’s family’s. Half of this was long distance and one thing I insisted on was moving to the same place (separate apartments) and dating for several months before I agreed to get engaged. He took a lot of initiative and put a lot of effort in while we were long distance but it was very important to me to make sure we were good being together all the time first. TLDR, it worked out, we got married, we both have good jobs, a house, and a cat!

msmae11 · 2021-06-29T12:04:33+00:00

We met through friends of friends at a bar. We got on really well and chatted for hours. At the closing of the bar when we all were heading home, I said to him 'this was really nice, it'd be great to do this again over coffee'. He looked at me and said 'Honestly, Ive enjoyed chatting, but I've got a girlfriend and I'm really attracted to you, so it wouldn't be appropriate.' I remembered he really stuck with me because of his integrity. One year later the ex gf was out of the pic, we went on our first date. Married now.

Arinavovk · 2021-06-29T08:03:55+00:00

All HVM I've datet including my current bf have I met in college, nothing sexier than a man with ambition and drive.

katiekat0214 · 2021-06-29T15:22:37+00:00

Met my late husband through an email for scholars of a particular genre. We were both demi, and took three years of emailing/calling before we met in person, then lived apart a year after I moved, just to make sure. He emphasized there was no hurry, very reassuring.

johnnysgirl17 · 2021-06-29T12:29:59+00:00

POF. But our lives have intersected a handful of times prior. For example we both worked at a supermarket at the same time without actually meeting but I do remember him checking me out.

Wedding day in 46 days!!!

LittleSnackPack58 · 2021-06-29T14:15:10+00:00

Met mine through mutual friends and we went to the same high school and college.

puzzlebitties · 2021-06-29T20:17:26+00:00

Live in a small town and he lives a few doors down from me, seen each other around a lot and built a friendship first, we have the same big group of friends that do a lot together so would see each other all the time. Was actually good to see how he acted thinking I wasn't interested in him. He was always kind and a good friend to everyone including me. He was never pursuing women and has never done OLD. He's still kind and a good friend to everyone. He did kind of drop out of the sky, our initial first meeting was at a house party

Dense_Cattle · 2021-06-29T13:15:47+00:00

Bible study in high school. He showed up with friends just to spend time with them. We were friends for years and years before we got married.

My friend met her husband of 15 years doing community theater. My other friend met her fiance in a board game club at a public library.

Here's my hot take on OLD: anyone using OLD to try to marry has something wrong with them socially. A well socialized person would go to hobby groups, or volunteer activities, or professional development events, or sports, etc and probably have a large enough friend group they could meet someone new by going to their friends' social events. Because they aren't mushroom people who are reducing their entire existence into an online persona.

yip_yap_appa · 2021-06-29T15:46:58+00:00

Met him in passing at the gym, and we just exchanged names and pleasantries. He was handsome and mannerly, but I generally don't have confidence in dating guys I meet at the gym. Later i ran into him again at a STEM(science, technology, engineering, mathematics) club meeting at our university where an astronaut came to give a talk and we recognized each other.

Ugythrowaway123 · 2021-06-29T22:51:49+00:00

He randomly approached me in high school. It was my junior year and he was a senior at the time. Still happily together.

Gourmay · 2021-06-30T00:42:22+00:00

One I met through a band's online forum (This was in early 2000s)/we had mutual friends. Another at a science conference and we became friends; amusingly he actually saw me on OLD but I never saw his profile so he assumed I wasn't interested. But I also met LVMs in similar circumstances. This question gets asked here a lot, it's the million-dollar question.. and the truth is there isn't much of a recipe other than having good boundaries which means the LVMs won't stick around much and will leave space for the good people.

Certainly I'd say there are ways that have slightly better odds: volunteering, educational events, mutual friends.. OLD has lower odds, it's just not designed for our happiness. My own rule now if we ever break up is, has to have been a friend for a little while—no more random strangers that I can't vet.

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