Stop asking why he did that—start asking if it’s acceptable to you

Phoenix__Rising2018 · 2021-07-02T02:11:01+00:00

This is SO important. The path to pickme hell is pathed with obsessing over finding ridiculous barely plausible justifications for his bad behavior. Once women give that up dating becomes so easy.

QueasyEducation5 · 2021-07-02T02:25:02+00:00

Incredibly good points! I just left an engagement because he didn’t respect me. It was a second try relationship and he had promised he had changed, humbled, was ready to be a partner. I can’t accept a partner that takes his emotions out on me.

_cnz_ · 2021-07-02T03:34:18+00:00

This ties heavily into self blame. We as women blame ourselves too much for the shitty actions of men. We internalize it and carry that trauma for life. Collectively, we need to stop rationalizing and taking blame for male behavior. Once we make this mindset shift, dating and the rest of life becomes so much easier

Koolkat30625 · 2021-07-02T02:46:49+00:00

I agree 1000%. It doesn't matter why he treats you bad, what matters is whether or not you accept how he treats you or leave him and eventually meet someone that will treat you the way you deserve to be treated.

FirePreferred_theOG · 2021-07-02T05:05:37+00:00

It's been about a year since I ended a situationship. It hurt so badly at the time, but I'd found FDS about a month or two prior and the dissent of my soul had started. I began to realize this man child just wanted my attention to pass the time and had absolutely no true interest or genuine care for me. So I cut him off. I erased him. He was blocked and deleted everywhere, no way to contact me. All tangible evidence expunged.

The memories though, I couldn't remove from my brain. So as I come about a landmark of a year past, the thoughts bubble up. I feel the wonder of why he didn't try to stay in my life, why I wasn't "enough", and as I push them away and begin to wonder why I thought that selfish gamer boy was worth my precious time is beyond me. My self-esteem was low, it was improved from where it'd once been, but was still low.

Amazing how a year can change you. That situationship dipped me into a good period of man-hating and "swearing them off for good". But, I've since come out of that too and now am focusing on loving myself and know I'll attract the right HVM to match the HVW I am and continue to work toward and develop.

But as the old thoughts creep in (we all have old thought patterns we must learn to stop and shift), I am immensely appreciative of this post. This was a beautiful and well written reminder. I don't give a damn why that man child did what he did. The fact is, he did it. He knew what he was doing and he did it anyway. It was unacceptable and I'm so glad he is no longer in my life and I've learned what is acceptable and what is not.

purasangria · 2021-07-02T03:32:42+00:00

This is a great post, thank you. Asking "why?" is almost an invitation to start blaming ourselves for his LVM behavior. It's never about us, and always about him. They act the way they do because it serves them in some way, period. They reap benefit from the behavior. Don't let's make it about us.

queen-wannabe · 2021-07-02T06:05:30+00:00

“Is the other woman smarter/dumber/prettier/wealthier/skinnier/sweeter?” Just because a women has good qualities (besides the dumb ofc, manipulative men aside) doesn’t make you less of a woman yourself. If a man tries to compare you to other women in his life, in any way, shape or form. Casually mentioning how the lady dresses, speaks. Mannerisms or job position. And pits the image that he has created of her against you, then he’s a no-go, he’s a goner, meaning that he should be gone from your life, he’ll have no remorse for lowering your life quality whatsoever. That’s what men do and that’s what males were programmed to do since being born. He’ll take away all your happiness, and make you wallow in a pit of manipulated, male-manufactured sadness and implanted sorrow.

_queeeen_ · 2021-07-02T05:37:23+00:00

Why does he do that? Because he has a messed up attitude. That’s the extent of what we need to know. Who cares about the rest.

It’s always on purpose. One of my exes was flaky and often late. One day he remarked to me “You know, I’m only like this with you.” I was calm and asked him why he thought that was. He had no answers to share. He was upbeat (??) and seemed proud of himself but I refused to play the game and get upset at him. He broke up with me not long after.

I’ve stopped questioning their behavior and just take it at face value now. Same goes for male coworkers. He says something sexist? I’m not rationalizing it. I’m just filing it away and minimizing our interactions.

Dazzling_Grass1727 · 2021-07-02T03:04:34+00:00

Yes! Often I found myself not enjoying the company but I hung around anyway because I've been taught to be 'polite' and 'non-confrontational'. Hanging around with them only led to questions such as 'Why did they say that, do that, etc.' If you aren't enjoying their company, the only responsibility you have is to leave, ignore and stay away or stay clear from them.

ComprehensiveAmoeba9 · 2021-07-02T05:27:33+00:00

I needed this reminder. I wasted so much time trying to come up with a million different reasons why certain LVM acted the way they did. I’ve always been an over thinker, and it’s easy for me to get sucked back into the cycle of blaming myself for LV behavior.

I was recently involved with an LVM who after a few weeks slowly started withdrawing his attention and affection towards me. I blocked and deleted him when I found out he had a serious drinking problem that he hid from me when we first met, but sometimes I found myself reverting back to my old mindset and thinking if I did A, B, or C, he would treat me well like he did when we first got together. It helps to make note of how each of you stack up in terms of educational background, social status, occupation, etc. I realized that I was the one who was out of his league, and there is nothing wrong with me. And one of his friends snitched on him and told me all about his relationship with his ex. He did not treat her any better and basically strung her along for several years, having her do all his housework and cooking, and she left him because he was never going to ask her to marry him. LVM will always be LVM no matter what. They’re not gonna treat their dream girl better and suddenly flip a switch and become HV

pugaczalla · 2021-07-02T11:25:20+00:00

YES!!!

I just made a similar post (look in my history) - sometimes, look at yourself and how you feel about the guy. If you feel in any way deficient, inadequate, wondering how to ‘win’ his love etc., if he triggers something strange in you, if he does something you can’t tolerate, you have to listen to yourself and run!

We analyse the shit out of men’s behaviour forgetting to listen to our gut. We ask about the subtlest signs of an abuser, the lesser known red flags, the manipulation tactics they use. We arm ourselves with knowledge but this isn’t enough!! Why? Because you shouldn’t learn every little detail about a gamble addict, a sadist, a sarcastic nihilist, an ex-convict, an Internet misogynist, a low empathy man, a guy with an anger management problem, a cheater, and how to protect yourself from all of them. They all display different behaviours. This is a red flag for a cheater, this is a red flag for an addict, this is a red flag for a felon, this is a red flag for a guy with little empathy… It’s exhausting!! It’s good to know the biggest red flags in general, but apart from those, let’s stop focusing on him. If there aren’t any glaring red flags, it’s time to listen to yourself. How does he make you feel, really, and is it acceptable for you? Is it really? Is it?

We’re taught to question ourselves so much. If he does something that doesn’t sit right with you, no matter how small or insignificant it feels, no matter if it doesn’t feel huge, you have a full right to feel this feeling and decide what to do from there.

Southernbelllle · 2021-07-02T10:04:15+00:00

Damn this needs to be stickied!! I wasted two years of my life spelunking down a nvm’s psyche and had to come to the same realization myself. It was arguably the worst two years of my life.

K0rla · 2021-07-02T11:31:33+00:00

Exactly. We have to be honest with ourselves and really evaluate what do we want and how a relationship or person makes us feel. We should only welcome people that add wellness to our life.

I was in a very toxic situationship that brought me a lot of anxiety (I was already struggling with it) and of course the topic was brought up in therapy.

My therapist’s reply to my endless stream of questions about his words, his thoughts, his behaviours and needs was “I don’t know and neither can you. But what do YOU think? What do YOU want?” She never entertained all the whatifs and scenarios playing in my head, she redirected all of it to me. I cannot control others’ action, but I can evaluate my needs and act accordingly.

This ended after (after a year and sooo much shit...there’s not enough makeup in the world to convey my clownness) the guy told me we were going to meet the next day and he was so excited to see me. He never replied to any of my texts. Two weeks later I texted again and he graced me with the his shitty apologies: he had started seeing someone and had actually started the day we were supposed to meet me. He clarified they were NOT dating because of course he wanted me in the backseat, I called him (it was late at night) and he just turned his phone off. True next day he texted me asking how I was, because of course he cared about me, I was an amazing person, he hoped we could be friends...

That day, something clicked in me. I could not go further with that bullshit, and for once, I was thinking about ME. I did not want that anxiety, that uncertainty, that feeling of being discarded. It was all about ME and for once I was not thinking about how much I wanted him to fix it, but what I wanted.

I did not want him anymore, so he was blocked. Of course he came back for my next birthday and said how sad he was that things “had gotten tense” between us. After all, it was him being the clown all along 🤡

restlessGal · 2021-07-02T10:05:55+00:00

Stop asking why he does shit cause then once you find reasons you’ll turn them into excuses. He’s distant? Ah it’s because he didn’t have a good female figure in his life… poor him.

No, stop that. He does weird shit? Put a strike down on a paper. When you get to 3 ask yourself, is this worth it?

proudpine · 2021-07-02T12:11:06+00:00

This needs to be in the handbook, for real. I’ve been caught up in it before too, so I’m not going to act holier than thou, but I see it sooo much on here and ask FDS (this is my third username, I delete occasionally for privacy). Women trying to figure out why, why, why men do things in order to ultimately give them the benefit of the doubt and excuse their behavior. Anything to avoid doing the hard work of standing up for themselves, breaking it off and bearing the pain of being lonely.

Again, I say this with love and humility because I’ve done it too. But we’re never really going to make progress if we keep doing this. We need to dump them and deal with being single.

Impossible_Mud_7599 · 2021-07-02T04:11:26+00:00

Love this mindset

Austenma · 2021-07-02T04:45:53+00:00

Thank you so much for this post.

FDS-GFY · 2021-07-02T15:47:40+00:00

This. Scream from the rooftops. 15 years of my life asking why.

One of the powerful things of the idea “he’s just not that into you” is that it makes us stop asking why.

If he wanted to, he would is one of the most important FDS ideas I have learned.

miphasgraceful · 2021-07-02T03:07:59+00:00

Brilliantly articulated. And especially those scrotes with “dark” souls. Just run.

BabaAuRhumOhlala · 2021-07-02T10:15:40+00:00

Put the thesis down.

Legendary. I consider making a pin board and this looks like a perfect quote to pin on it.

Catz10000 · 2021-07-02T16:24:40+00:00

For more reading, Chump Lady writes a lot about this. Don't untangle the skein of fuckedupedness. Who cares why they acted like that. If it's not acceptable to you, if it's not the relationship you want to be in, LEAVE!

NewDriverStew · 2021-07-02T17:05:20+00:00

I shocked the hell out of my relative whose boyfriend (and later husband 😑) was walking all over her. She would cry about him, "Why does he want this or that? What does it mean?" and I just got sick of it and said, "Who cares? You don't have to take that." She doesn't have a supportive group of girlfriends so it just made an awkward silence that I didn't try to take back. Not everything is a nuanced puzzle for you to tease out and even if it was...why bother? Who cares? It's just a guy. There are billions of them. Find a better one.

swaylyn · 2021-07-02T12:47:21+00:00

This was my favorite post ever!! ESP the “I’m here from the future. He knew what he was doing. He did it on purpose” YESS everything in this post is amazing.

Definitely should be in the handbook

Interesting_Day1188 · 2021-07-03T18:37:54+00:00

If you have to ask yourself if it's acceptable, it means it's not acceptable.

Title	Stop asking why he did that—start asking if it’s acceptable to you
Author	BlueSkiesOverLondon
Upvotes	613
Comments	49
Date	July 1, 2021 11:53 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/obydp3/stop_asking_why_he_did_thatstart_asking_if_its/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/stop-asking-why-he-did-thatstart-asking-if-its.788206 https://theredarchive.com/post/788206

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