Choosing single

thrownaway41422 · 2024-04-04T00:08:08+00:00

I separated in August 22. Divorce was finalized in August 23. I've talked to a few women since then but haven't done anything yet because I just really haven't wanted to.

Thrownaway_marriage · 2024-04-02T17:42:23+00:00

I'm going through the divorce right now. And it's been eye-opening to realize how little effort she put into things and how badly she would treat me when upset. I had always just stayed away from her. Some of our worst fights were when she was upset about something and tried to take it out on me.

But now I see light at the end of the tunnel.

Millhouse201 · 2024-04-02T16:56:24+00:00

I will literally never date again

TreetopTarantula · 2024-04-02T10:29:51+00:00

Single for the past 5 years. Focusing on my own life, stacking cash, and moving overseas within 3-4 years is the goal.

CaptainsYacht · 2024-04-02T06:35:32+00:00

My wife will tell you that she is not abusive and that I am a covert narcissist whose ADD caused her significant grief over the years and poisoned our relationship.

My story differs from hers... but like, what if she's correct? Hell, I don't know. I don't know what I did to deserve the treatment I got, but she is firm that she is blameless for... everything... and that my feelings and the situation is All. My. Fault.

So who knows? I'm so spun around that I believe I'm juat fundamentally flawed and for whatever reasons unbeknownst to me I'm just not someone who can keep a partner in a long term relationship happy.

So I'm not going to. I've spent 30 years either in or pursuing long term relationships. This is my second divorce. I'm obviously flawed. I can't go through this ever again and I know I'd be doomed to repeat this pattern.

So I'm done. Since I obviously can't be a good enough partner to keep someone else happy, maybe I'll try making myself happy for once. This codependent shit is for the birds.

jgjg9999 · 2024-04-02T03:57:36+00:00

I've been single just over 3 years apart from a short fling.

I was married 20 years, my wife cheated at least once that I knew about and ended up leaving me for another guy.

When I was married I was constantly stressed out, I always needed to keep her entertained, always needed to be planning the next trip, always doing some project around the house.

Since I've been on my own I have almost no stress. I come and go as I please, I'm saving money but still get to spend on things I want. I work on projects when I feel like it, I take naps when I feel like it.

I'm open to a relationship again, but being mid 40's I haven't met any woman that haven't had major mental, emotional, or financial problems.

I miss having a physical connection but I'm not willing to give up my peace to get it. Plus being an average looking guy I've found It pretty difficult on dating apps and quickly found them a major waste of time.

Another factor for me is I look at how many relationships fail or people stay together and are miserable and that gives me one more reason not to bother, or at least sink in too much effort.

WanderingJokerGypsy · 2024-04-02T03:38:47+00:00

I've been divorced for 18 years, 2 relationships since then. The second relationship I walked away from 8 years ago. I told myself no more women like her, no more women like her with kids and definitely no more women with kids like hers.

TweedStoner · 2024-04-02T03:11:18+00:00

Have any of you guys, after going thru a relationship where your wife is abusive (not physical but ruthless in every other way), possibly undiagnosed BPD, thought…. nope, I’m done with serious relationships. And have you stayed single for years and years?

☝️

LeftySmithy · 2024-04-02T00:23:05+00:00

I don't really care about the sex as much as I would just like to have companionship.

honestly, that's something I didn't have even in my 18 years of marriage.

Mine was diagnosed with something very close to schizophrenia around 10 years in.

she's on several medications.

We made it another 8 years before she finally decided that I was the most evil man in the history of the world.... Even though she told everybody how great of a father I was all the time.

There was no physical or verbal abuse.

We both were not nice to each other but in my estimation there was nothing that couldn't be fixed.

she just doesn't "have anything to give to a romantic relationship right now".

Plenty-Entertainer71 · 2024-04-02T00:02:17+00:00

Seperated for a year divorce finalized last dec still haven’t gotten laid dating casually

Emotional_Lettuce251 · 2024-04-01T23:27:12+00:00

I'm only 5 months into our proceedings. That being said, living with my wife for the past 19 years destroyed me in many ways. I don't know if it is covert narc, BPD, OCPD, or some mixture of them (she doesn't have a diagnosis). I see no logical path in which I would be able to trust a woman enough again to get into a serious relationship ... maybe I'll be able to find a companion at some point, but I will be very up front with her about my experience and my expectations. The rub would be being able to stick with my convictions and not get overinvested. I'm sure, at some point, if things started feeling too serious for me that I would do something to F*ck it up.

Character_Let_3982 · 2024-04-01T22:31:12+00:00

Dating sites are full of women who have been single since their divorce. Ten years is common for my age bracket.

I've never found stability in relationships with these women. I feel they desperately want someone at first but later demand everything be on their terms. So it's love bombing followed by pretty insane "this is how I do things, you should too" rules.

Not limited to women. I think this is just human nature. We get used to the alarm clock being set for 6:00 am. When it's not, it's a big deal.

I've been single for a year and dating. I glitch when a date does my dishes. I've become fussy. And it's not a good thing.

BrandoBLC · 2024-04-01T21:53:53+00:00

I was divorced in 2018, and had 2 relationships in the following 2 years. Then I discovered the FWB arrangement, and it’s how I’ve been living for the last 3-4yrs. I’m a single dad with a teen aged son, and I have a pretty busy life. Having sex a couple times a month is enough for me right now, and I’ll probably stay single for at least a couple more years.

dnbndnb · 2024-04-01T21:27:51+00:00

Three years + since I’ve gotten laid. Almost 3 years since we split. I miss having a woman around but I’m not going to get damaged goods again

ABBucsfan · 2024-04-01T21:15:45+00:00

It's been around 3 years since I moved out (hunkered down for like a year after we started it around covid). Will see how it goes but so far I'm pretty satisfied with my peace and quiet. So far no real desire to seek out a relationship, just the odd time I see a beautiful women and my mind wanders a bit. Then I remember what it's like to allow one person to have so much sway over your time, money, self esteem, mental health etc. Its also against my faith (although many conveniently gloss over it) to marry again while your spouse /ex spouse is still alive. Honestly I think once was enough and it's been shown your chances only get worse lol. Also no offense to those who have, but you either bring in someone from outside the family and give them the top spot your kids held, or you have another spouse who isnt #1 and comes after your kids (imo spouse is always supposed to be #1 and kids in a typical family do best when mom is #1). It's a dynamic I wouldn't wanna touch. My kids are my focus and then hobbies, friends, volunteerism etc. eh no room for someone like that in my life tbh . Got a very full life and very busy

Any-Dare-7261 · 2024-04-01T19:56:05+00:00

I know what exactly what that’s like. She was horrible to the kids during the divorce and after just because I wasn’t the parent that abused them and they missed me. She had her boyfriend do stuff to them, etc. if I had a friend with benefits that would be perfect but I really enjoy the peace and quiet.

stent00 · 2024-04-01T18:05:33+00:00

I was in a similiar position.been single 9 years and have had 3 short term flings. Currently not on dating sites and I'm the happiest I've ever been. Single life is all fine with me. No nagging wench, no fighting about stupid stuff, no expectations to meet. So much better

dday_throwaway3 · 2024-04-01T18:00:06+00:00

I divorced my wife. I've got two kids, and I love being their father. No room for a "serious relationship" but dating sure is fun especially with an abundance mindset.

Don't ask other men what you want. Look within. Take some time to reconstruct yourself after the divorce. This is the best post-divorce dating advice I've ever come across: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce\_Men/comments/ogjhm0/wait\_at\_least\_one\_year\_after\_divorce\_before\_dating/

Old-Macaroon8148 · 2024-04-01T17:59:40+00:00

I’ll never have a long term relationship again. Women come and go and I’m totally fine with that.

My goal is to get the kids safely away to college then I’m tail lights to the gulf coast where I’ll take my sailboat port to port up and down the East coast and Caribbean till I die. I’ll visit, they’ll visit me. But have a woman as a life partner again? No thanks. I’m 40, I’ve spent the first half of my life trying to help other people, for the second half unless it’s about my kids I am the priority.

Ok_Smile_60 · 2024-04-01T17:54:15+00:00

It’s definitely the lower risk path. Could be lower reward, depending on what you value as success.

As for years and years, I’m at two years now, and zero plan to start dating the next year

Reflog1791 · 2024-04-01T17:32:58+00:00

I dated casually and non exclusively for a few years and eventually found someone.

I take the hard lessons from divorce but try not to let it dictate my life.

I identified the things about divorce that were really bullshit (ex got house and half my shit) and set up my new life in a way where that is not going to happen again.

I am happy now and my girlfriend is lovely. She adds to my life, supports my hobbies, supports my friendships, supports my daughter, has her shit together, etc.

To me this post reads like black and white thinking. Here is the gray area I found: be open to love but protect your assets.

Mundane-Surround-325 · 2024-04-01T17:24:11+00:00

There is also the knowledge that oneself is reason to stay single.

Bluerednaz · 2024-04-01T17:19:52+00:00

I have two male co workers that were in 10+ years relationships and were cheated on. They say never again

Title	Choosing single
Author	softinvest
Upvotes	29
Comments	72
Date	April 1, 2024 4:58 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1bt927a/choosing_single/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/choosing-single.1513741 https://theredarchive.com/post/1513741

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