keeping a secret

Plebe-Uchiha · 2022-04-08T20:43:26+00:00

Because they fear what will happen. Kids don’t want their parents to separate, more often than not, even in cases like yours. Mom cheated. I still don’t want Mom and Dad to separate. Will I be blamed for this? Is it my fault? Will telling make things worse? If I tell am I picking sides? If I don’t tell am I picking sides? Moreover, your kids are going through puberty. There are a lot of emotions, a lot of things going on. It’s easier and normal to want to hide away. They don’t want to get involved. They don’t want to be blamed. They have so much to carry already.

Or they were told not to, or they are siding with the mother.

More often than not, it’s the former, it’s that they don’t want to get involved nor do they want for their parents to separate. [+]

OMG_GOP_WTF · 2022-04-08T19:35:45+00:00

They may have been told not to say anything. They are kids and will obey adults.

5TRC4LIFE · 2022-04-08T23:31:30+00:00

My oldest found out well before I knew.. her email correspondence with AP, her office partner, was also going to his phone for 8 months, Amazon recipts, gifts purchased that were sent to another address, hotel stays... she was oblivious as to how a shared Google acct on our sons phone would have allowed this to happen... he also never came and said anything to me. Later on, after our divorce was final and the family was torn apart, he came and talked to me about alot of how he had and was feeling. One of the things was how he felt while reading those emails to himself at night and feeling so helpless because he couldn't bring himself to say anything, out of the fear that I would be angry with him for ruining our marriage. I held that boy for about 20min while he cried. Parents will never fully understand how devastating cheating, infidelity of any kind, and the end of a marriage can just be absolutely crippling to the emotional well being of all the children involved.

I would maybe try and talk to them about their feelings or what their outlook for the future may be.. try and get an idea of what they are feeling and going through. where their head may be and if they have been coached to say things from their mother before jumping right in and being forward about your questioning. You may also find that they have feelings that do not align with yours or may resent you for trying to separate them from their mom. I wish I could be of more help. Hopefully someone has some good tips for ya.

Dell_Hell · 2022-04-08T20:23:07+00:00

As others have mentioned, there are several potential motivations:

Your soon to be ex wife lied and told them it was with your approval in a "dont ask, dont tell" kind of deal.
Your soon to be ex wife threatened or bribed them
They didn't want to hurt you / break up the family
They didn't know how to tell you - that's an extremely difficult thing to tell you
They were afraid of you getting enraged, and thought it would be at them

warrior_up · 2022-04-08T22:13:49+00:00

Make sure they know it’s not their fault, not something teenagers should be dealing with, especially the projected guilt and shame their mother forced upon them.

They also need to understand that there’s consequences from their moms shitty behavior and that’s why we’re separating

RedditDude07467 · 2022-04-08T19:58:03+00:00

Does the journal tell “her side” of why she felt justified cheating on you? It seems possible she intentionally let the kids find it on the tablet, so they would learn about the affair framing the affair as an unfortunate but understandable consequence of what a jerk their dad was. Reading about something first is a very powerful way of inserting bias into the reader as compared to hearing about something.

LowerFars · 2022-04-08T19:39:13+00:00

Wow. Tough one. I've never heard of this situation before.

When I was in high school, my one-year-long serious girlfriend cheated on me. My friends knew before I did. No one told me. (One year is LONG time in high school.)

Obviously, we're not in high school anymore, so I can't even begin to relate or understand. But I remember feeling betrayed by EVERYONE, not just the girl.

People sometimes have this twisted notion of "I don't want to hurt him, so I won't tell him the truth". It's sick and unhealthy. It's unethical. It's like a doctor not telling a patient he has a serious disease because he doesn't want him to worry about it.

Maybe the kids thought you already knew? Did you ask them? Well, that might not be the best track. You don't want the kids to feel like they're in the middle.

Damn, I don't know the answer. Sorry, brother, it's a shitty situation.

Maybe all you can do is let it go and move on.

BTW, how did the kids find out? That's a shitty mom who allows things like that to be known by kids.

Jbr74 · 2022-04-08T20:13:34+00:00

They probably don't want their world turned upside down (divorced parents)

My daughters suspected my ex before I did, I was blind/manipulated/didn't want to see it I guess. But I subtly brought it up once to both of them, I don't recall actually how I started the conversation as that was 4+ years ago. But I didn't go in guns a blazing either, and they were relieved to tell me.

Or hell maybe since it was going on 2 years, maybe they thought you knew. That's an awfully long time to not notice the red flags.

guy_n_cognito_tu · 2022-04-08T19:35:57+00:00

I’m guessing your wife threatened them?

Eve-3 · 2022-04-08T19:51:19+00:00

If you are going to talk with them please do it gently. They're children and they've clearly been through more than anyone would ever wish their children had to go through. I don't know why they kept the secret but just the fact that they knew must have hurt them terribly. Offer them your love and support, keep any accusations to yourself.

sicrm · 2022-04-08T21:36:37+00:00

the best path forward is figuring out what you want.

do you want a divorce? book a consult with a lawyer and work on your exit plan.

do you want your kids to understand how hurt you are? slowly withdraw.

you don’t have to yell or curse or them. just build a barrier that will take time for them to break down before they earn your trust again.

OraleEse13 · 2022-04-09T02:13:44+00:00

A father can never win against the mother. Your kids clearly love and value her but their feelings for you are highly questionable now.

flowingwisdom13 · 2022-04-08T21:23:46+00:00

I knew about my mum’s affairs when I was younger…I discovered it and confirmed it several times when I pretended to play using her phone. I believed it would make the situation worse at home so I kept quiet. Not sure if I would make the same decision at my age.

ncredman69 · 2022-04-08T23:42:52+00:00

From one man to another, Ask them damn kids why they didn't say shit when they new it was happening. They darn sure new how to speak up when they wanted something or when they wanted to go somewhere. How is ur relatiinship with ur kiddos? Do they confide in u or seek ur advice when dealing with stuff? Did u teach ur kids to speak up or say something if something isn't right? Or did u teach em to shut it and stay in a kids place? Hell, are they even your kids if the wife is a cheater? In the end tho, it really doesn't even matter. She fucked up and doesn't even realize that she is on the other side of that proverbial wall where now all she will be is a girlfriend for an older guy once she goes thru her second hoe phase. Ur homework if u choose to accept it will be to go to the gym at least 4 days a week. Mon, Wed, Fri and Sat. Throw away most of the WORST fat boy food. Wait till ur clothes are falling off, and buy a new NICE wardrobe. While doing this, eat out at a decent restaurant at least 2 a week, go to events and functions. DO NOT COLD APPROACH ANY WOMAN. Determine what Standards u will not bend on and the ones u would be willing to bend on if all the other things were good. For instance, I don't mess with Fat chicks and I don't care how great their personality is. I also don't mess with woman who doesn't go to the gym at least a few times a month and she has to already be in shape or working on herself before I even met her and showing progress. I chose that standard because my wife got heavier then me and at my worse, I was 240lbs at 6"1. So hell naw! I also won't deal with a woman who doesn't have a real job or isn't going to school to better herself to get a real job. To many ladies getting picked up at Olive Garden only to never achieve shit as a Wife but bring financial burden on her man.

derelictherds · 2022-04-09T00:09:59+00:00

Leave the kids out of it. What do you have to gain by putting them on the spot? They will eventually bring it up to you and even then you should proceed with care.

SnooDucks2052 · 2022-04-09T10:48:57+00:00

Kids should stay in a kids place. Keep them out of it and don’t say anything. It could backfire and make them mad at you. Give it time and be a great father and they’ll see for them selves. They will soon understand the betrayal.

Gattsama · 2022-04-09T01:34:42+00:00

These are not just kids these are YOUR KIDS. They do NOT see you are normal people. You are Mom and Dad. Lots of different factors in play and every relationship is different. But they are likely afraid to discuss it. That makes it real. They also might assume that it's "know but never discussed." After all if they know, why wouldn't Dad. The main point is remember that the kids are NOT taking sides or hiding anything. There brains aren't up to that yet (maybe the 17y/o).

This is a HUGE power dynamic and imbalance. Let's say you work at Enron, you are a junior clerk and see proof of cheating / cooking the books. What do you do? Go to your boss? Go to the president of the company? Report it to the SEC? Your kids are NOT your equals, they are NOT your friends. They are your YOUR kids. Fear, anxiety, helplessness, etc.

While some posters say kids can ask for something they want (new PS5) so they can talk about this. It just doesn't work that way. You should address this with them, but 100% FOR THEM, and NOT FOR YOU!!! You need to be a parent and find out what they know / think / feel so you can help THEM deal with it. Leave your emotions outside the room, and address what they need, help them understand, help them with their emotions, etc.

It sucks, and I'm sorry you are going through this. Worst times most likely lie ahead. Never stop being their Dad, and enter the discussion with the goal of caring from them.

Good luck and stay safe..

gthyr666 · 2022-04-09T02:32:07+00:00

kids are human too. For their own preservation, they sacrifice others (in this case, you). If they expose your wife, they risk losing a lot (a home, suffering stress, etc), therefore, they choose not to expose, so that the "peace" is kept, at the cost of yours. It's just human nature, don't blame them.

doing_my_best_co · 2022-04-09T15:08:19+00:00

I am so sorry this happened to you. I am even sorrier that it happened to your kids. They really were in a no win awful situation. They tell you: moms mad, your mad, and the family definitely splits. They don’t: moms fine, dads fine, maybe mom comes around and everything is ok. Sure poor dad is being abused and I don’t like how he is being treated.

Honestly, look at the difference in outcomes. It is horrible that your kids new. I now you are feeling bad and I would be furious if I was in your position. But I really feel bad for your kids… you should too.

anonuser637373 · 2022-04-08T21:09:05+00:00

[permanently deleted]

Gunslinger1925 · 2022-04-08T22:30:07+00:00

I’m sorry to hear that brother. My parents divorced when I was 20 and my sister 18, so we were both adults. It was initiated by my dad.

I know why he did it. My mom was an angry person. Unfortunately it’s been a learned behavior, or so says my wife.

What you’re going through is rough - I’d be there for your kids, but need to make an exit plan. Hd a student last year who’s parents were getting a divorce. They admitted their mom was banging some Chad on the side while the dad got the couch.

eldenchain · 2022-04-09T01:10:52+00:00

Just tell them you love them unconditionally and that none of this is their fault. Then go talk to a therapist about your feelings. Talking to the kids will only put them on the spot and won't help you in any way.

hombredelgato · 2022-04-09T02:51:04+00:00

How horrible of your ex to burden them with this secret? Kids can’t begin to weigh the right or wrong of this situation. If they expose her they lose her “love” so they have to pretend things are ok in a failed attempt to keep you both.

tinkerb3lll · 2022-04-09T15:56:12+00:00

Yup, it is absolutely shameful of any parent to burden their kids with this type of information, mine did it and it was/is disgusting. But yeah kids knew before I suspected it. I went to my eldest and said she was having an affair not realizing what I was about to find out, my kid told my X she has to tell me and she did.

was_mine_in_99 · 2022-04-11T02:34:49+00:00

My children knew before I actually knew. She walked around the house on speaker with him for weeks in front of our almost grown teenagers. They said they couldn’t tell me because they knew our family would be torn apart. I never would have expected them too. They were just as shocked and hurt as I was.

pegleg_legal · 2022-04-11T06:36:24+00:00

Fear. Plain and simple.

Title	keeping a secret
Author	anonuser637373
Upvotes	33
Comments	65
Date	April 8, 2022 7:27 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/tzb9o2/keeping_a_secret/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/keeping-a-secret.1110733 https://theredarchive.com/post/1110733

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